I'm physically sick over this

LegacyUser

So basically I am back at stage one.

I broke up with my girlfriend just over Christmas. The final time seeing her being her new years ever to appease her at the time. She ended it. I didn't want it and I was consequently heartbroken. Went through January, sent her a letter telling her how I felt and eventually spoke to her early feb where she told me she just didn't feel the same anymore.

So I've been doing my best to move on. Scrubbed her from Facebook and anything else and deleted her number. Lately though I've hit a rough patch in relation to moving on and now I feel like I am right back at the start. I think of her first thing I wake up in the morning, during the whole day and before I go to bed. I just can't shift those thoughts.

So I had a moment of weakness. I wanted to see her again and I unblocked her on facebook and looked at her profile.

And she's with somebody. SInce January 17 of this year, she has been seeing somebody and is in a relationship with them.

She told me right up to the end that she loved me but basically didn't feel that I was the "one"

So now while I'm just about starting to sleep again, somewhat coming back to myself character wise and able to eat again, I find out that I was so important in her life that she has basically stacked me away, kicked me to the side and ultimately, moved on in two weeks.

I'm heartbroken. I suppose as much as I knew it was over and kept telling myself so, there was always a bit of me that thought we may get back together.

I feel like my obsession, addiciton and cravings for this girl that I managed to expell have been effectively undone and now that I am right back where I started. I can't go dating at the moment. I don't see the point in trying something new with somebody new when I know where my thoughts currently lie.

I basically feel that as I've turned a corner I've just gone in a big circle and come right back to where I've started.

How could anybody establish a relationship, fill their partner with such hope and expecation and lead them to believe that effectively, they are the one (which was a mutual feeling) and then snap the switch and just turn their back only to jump into another mans bed so quickly afterwards?

I'm a strong person but when you get under my skin, when I open my arms to you, I bare all. I give everything and don't hold back. Any hesitance for emotional attatchment that I may have vanishes and I commit fully.

I basically feel like I have stepped out of my shell. In fact, been coaxed from my emotional shell only to be stamped on and it's killing me.

I don't know what to do. I want to get sick.

Tokyo

Hey OP,

breakups are rarely a good experience, and anyone that has ever broken up with someone, or has been broken up with, needs time to heal and move on. Unfortunately for you, you had a moment of weakness and by checking up on your ex, you found out some things that took you a few steps backwards. There's nothing inherently wrong with feeling sad, mad or jealous. It's just at some stage you're going to have to deal with those feelings.

Having said that, your girlfriend hasn't done anything wrong. I understand why you might feel like you have been kicked in the guts at finding out that she has found someone already, and yes, it is quick, but she has had a lot more time to come to terms with the break up than you have. I doubt that she took the decision lightly and put quite some thought into it, and as such she had time to prepare for the breakup. You haven't, and as far as your brain is concerned, your pain has only started since Christmas, and you are still at the early stages of the recovery process that goes with that. Ignore her saying that "she loved me but basically didn't feel that I was the 'one'", we all say things to soften the blow - the fact is that she decided to end the relationship. And you have to accept that.

The best advice I can give you if you want to get past this is to stop checking her facebook. Right now I imagine you are tempted to loo into every aspect of this new relationship, who this new guy is, how did she meet him so soon, did they meet when you two were together, why she chose to be with him and not you, etc etc, but snooping around and fishing for more information is only going to make you look worse in the end. The "why" doesn't matter now. The fact is, your relationship ended for a reason and sadly, your ex is no longer your concern. The best thing you can do for yourself now is to leave her and her new partner to themselves. It’s not an easy task, but to move on, it’s a necessary one.

Holsten

You knew exactly what you were doing when you checked her facebook, you should never do it as you're NEVER going to see anything you want to.

She is not going to post up when she is sad/lonely/missing you, facebook is the highlights of peoples lives, nothing more. I'd delete the whole thing if I was you.

She is in a relationship less than a month after you broke up? Must have already had this guy lined up before she pulled the plug. Forget about her. Delete EVERYTHING and never contact her.

Yes it will be rough for a few weeks but you will feel better, in a year or two you won't care at all.

Best of luck.

SingItOut

Big Hugs to you OP! I went through the exact same experience as you, only my ex got with somebody 6 days later. It ate me up for years after wards. The important thing is to take care of yourself, re-block her and her boyfriend on Facebook because chances are you will want to see what's going on with them. Make sure you eat regularly, no matter what it is you need to keep yourself healthy. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you this will get better quickly because it won't, it's going to take you a good few months to get over this and get your confidence back. If you feel you are depressed then please go to your GP or speak to a trusted friend, keeping it to yourself won't do you any favours. Hope you feel better soon OP.

Colonel_McCoy

I have been there and experienced what you have. Its a dark lonely place and you and nobodys words will help with your pain. Yes it hurts and it will hurt tomorrow too and the day after. But after each passing week it will hurt a little less but it will take time to get over this. In the meantime stay busy and active.

One important thing cut contact completely.

Matteroffact

The reason break ups hurt so much is because they eat away at our self esteem. You checked your facebook hoping that somewhere you might find that your ex is not having a good time because this might mean she was missing you. Basically this would have boosted your ego and you might have felt a bit better but because you found the direct opposite of what you hoped to find this floored you. Unfortunately, you are letting your ex take control of how you feel about yourself. Just because your relationship with her is finished it doesn't mean that you are not a gorgeous, handsome, hunk of masculinity. She is just one woman who wants to try new relationships but this should not reflect on your worth. She loved you while you were together but she wants to try new relationships now and this is no reflection on you, it just means that she is not ready to settle for one man now and wants to experiment with new relationships. Please do not let this eat away at your self esteem, you are still the wonderful guy she met up with. She is the one who has changed, not you.

LegacyUser

OP, you're not the first this ever happened to and you will not be the last. She's perfectly entitled to go out with a new guy 10 minutes after you broke up, let alone 17 days.

People are different, for her this is what she decided to do.

Move on and take it as a lesson in life. You wanted he badly, you will have to accept the feeling was no mutual. If you did manage to convince her to stay, what good would it be if she didn't fell the same way about you?

Vision of Disorder

OP, I went through something quite similar a little less than two years ago. Was planning a future with somebody who broke up with me out of the blue, got back with me, started making plans to move so we could live together and then broke up with me again before hooking up with somebody else with what seemed to me indecent haste (I'd always loathed this guy, always known he'd fancied her but trusted her/not viewed him as a threat).

It wasn't pretty. I couldn't sleep, lost a frightening amount of weight more or less overnight, sliced up my palm with a kitchen knife at one stage (as a goalkeeper/bass guitarist this was particularly witless of me) and, at the lowest point, tied a belt around my neck and went to hang myself from my wardrobe. I spent about 9 months in therapy, was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and, bluntly, wanted to die in the worst possible way for a long time.

I tell you all this simply to provide a basis for the rest of my tale. About 14 months later I kissed somebody else. It didn't lead anywhere but it felt like a milestone. Then I sorta half fell for and kissed somebody else (again it didn't lead anywhere much but I found this forum when it went to crap).

I met somebody else again last October and have been with them ever since. But even that is not the moral of my tale. Last week my ex texted me out of the blue. I didn't even recognise the number (which actually shook me a little, I never thought I'd have forgotten that). She had texted for something quite small and after a few basic texts suggested that she'd be open to staying in touch. I considered it. And I said no and I feel really good about that decision. I just didn't see any point or any real gain for either of us in such a course. I was polite, I was actually reasonably friendly but I was honest in declining her offer.

I loved that girl with all I have. A part of me still does and always will. It took me a long time to get to the point that I would see no benefit in contact with her and, accordingly, turn it down when it was on the table AND actually feel content and happy with such a course. It may take a long time and a part of you may never wholly reconcile to what happened (I still despise the other guy in my story, perhaps more than is really healthy) but you will get to a place that is bearable again. And from there to a place that is happy. It will be a long road and a hard road but you will get there and, for what it is worth, you will carry my empathy and best wishes all the way there. Good luck!

Stavro Mueller

Horrible and all as you feel just now, maybe finding out that your ex is now in another relationship is just what you need to move on? Can you honestly say, hand on heart, that you weren't harbouring a wish that she'd change her mind and you'd get back together again? Now you know for certain that there is no hope whatsoever.

I suspect your girlfriend's heart wasn't in it for a while before you broke up but you never noticed the signs. If you think about it, for someone to decide they want to break up with their other half, they've already done an awful lot of ruminating. By the time your girlfriend got around to breaking up with you, she had already resolved the issue in her head and started to move on.

Maybe you've not really grieved properly for the end of this relationship? Now is the chance to draw a line under this and move on. Take things day by day and in time it will get better. If you've not already done so, delete her off Facebook and off your phone. Nothing good can come of you having her in your life any more. You don't want to be her friend and you certainly don't want to see her with another bloke. Get rid and take care of yourself.

alias06

I can totally understand that feeling like you heart and guts have been torn out. Its to be expected. It will take a long time to get over this I'm afraid. My last girlfriend I only dated for three months. When she dumped me it took me eight months to get over her. Eight months before I didn't think of her first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Which sounds ridiculous because we only went out for such a short time but that is how long it took. Don't let anyone tell you how you should or should not be feeling. Allow yourself to grieve. But if you are finding yourself slipping into depression then think about getting some counselling to help you through.

zl1whqvjs75cdy

Hi op. Firstly condolences, break ups are absolutely horrendous. The only thing you can do is movr on in this situation. When I broke up with my long term gf I took up going to the gym a lot and football. I think that physical activities are best because they take your mind of the pain. Don't expect to be over this in a week or a month. Could take 6 months could take a year but you will get there. Best of luck.

Sleepless and Manic

Eugh. Sorry for your loss.

In my experience it takes at least six months, but of course everyone's different. But you're still at the early stages I'd have thought. Sorry.

Within that time any information you get about her, positive negative or whatever, is going to send you into a tailspin of feelings. Natural enough right?

That she's in another relationship is going to hurt a lot unfortunatly. But anything would wouldnt it? Its not really wrong of her, some people's way of dealing with a breakup is using the massive distraction of another relationship.

And you were on the right track deleting her presence from your life, its just that there's going to be those slips where you hear something and it'll feel like sh*t.

Over time though you'll find the length of those feling like sh*t periods gets shorter and shorter. Just hang in there.

Sleepless and Manic

alias06 wrote: »

My last girlfriend I only dated for three months. When she dumped me it took me eight months to get over her. Eight months before I didn't think of her first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

Yes. Its more about the depth of your feelings for her than the length of time you were together.

Geomy

Hi OP,
I have been through this 3 times in my life and it ain't easy.
It absolutely crippled me, the last time I broke up with someone I was mad about was new year's. ...

I went downhill and did the whole looked at her Facebook page, seen her wrapped around another guy was absolutely crippled and lost weight stopped eating etc....
Looked like sht

I was walking through Ennis 4 weeks ago feeling very sorry for myself, seen them together for the first time since she dumped me. ...

I was on my way to meet a female friend for coffee, who my exe never met.

Anyhow my friend suggested that I get back on track and live again, she convicted me to make up a profile on a dating site and see what happens.
Been there done that before felt like it wasn't the right thing to do, but I said fck it ill do it.

I also realised that the 3 times I ended up very broken and depressed after a relationship was with the same kind of woman, the extremely attractive attention seeking, narcissistic type who were always calling the shots and charming etc

Nobody's worth losing my sleep, peace of mind and appetite over, all of those three things are the basic instincts I need in my everyday life to be content and survive.

For the first time ever I had rapid recovery from the breakup, im too important to myself to let myself go downhill.

I met a nice lady yesterday for lunch, we had a really nice laid back date and are into the same thing's and she's 6 year's younger than me, im in my late 30s

She wants to meet up again maybe go for a walk through a wood or sea shoreline she suggested we throw on the wellies and get some fresh air. ..big difference to expensive restaurants and bars.
If I was really honest with myself I wasn't happy with the lady I broke up with, she was too much hard work and high maintenance, emotionally and financially. ..

Im now going to stay away from those types and see how it goes with the earthy more laid back lady, early day's yet but what's for me wont pass me by :-)

I wish you luck OP

tinkerbell

OP, right now you feel like crap but you need to pick yourself up and carry on. Stop checking her facebook, it will do you no favours. Don't check it ever again and you will be able to move on. Your girlfriend has done nothing wrong, but yes obviously it hurts you that she moved on so quickly. But then you have to think of it from her point of view - perhaps in her mind, she wanted to end things for a while and so was emotionally checked out of your relationship for some time before she broke up with you? In which case, her finding a new boyfriend on January 17th may not be so soon in her mind?

Use this to draw a line in the sand and move on completely. It will take time but she clearly isn't the right girl for you and you will meet someone else. Time heals wounds but in order to heal, you can't be checking up on your ex the whole time.

ibarelycare

Ah OP I have been through this VERY recently as well. My ex and I broke up a couple of months ago, he cheated on me, begged me to take him back, when I did, he dumped me! He told me he had loads of issues, that he couldn't be in another relationship for a very long time, he still loved me but he didn't deserve me, blah blah BLAH. It was so hard at the time, especially when he selfishly wanted to stay friends with me, and I obliged because I thought the alternative would be worse. I told him not to tell me if he met anyone, but I was shocked that less than 2 months after we broke up he told me was seeing someone else. At that stage I cut all contact, deleted and blocked him off FB and started moving on properly.

Of course it's a kick in the stomach, but it's also been a big turning point for me. At the time I was soooo angry and upset, but now I feel nothing. I know he's in a messed up place at the moment and that he's not really happy, and I was trying to derive pleasure out of thinking that way, but I don't even need to do that now.

Try and use this to spur yourself to move on. Don't try and understand why she did this. Seriously, you will drive yourself mad. It's nothing that you did, you can't control her actions. Believe me, I know the sick feeling all too well, and it's horrible, but it does get easier. Try your best not to dwell on it, keep yourself busy, and remember that not all women are like her and you will meet someone who deserves you in the future.

LegacyUser

Thank you everybody for your replies.

I have been following the thread since I posted.

I suppose, I feel very let down in myself and by her. I had spent a very long time being a commitment phobe and this was on the back of being hit hard when I get hurt. I turned that around and eventually meet this girl. I take down all barriers very slowly and open up to her. She had a lot of issues too and I did my utmost to help her overcome them with her. I bowed to requests and tolerated quite a lot but did that purely because of my love for her.

I did know what I was doing when I checked her Facebook but in the same breath, I was dying to see her again. I just wanted a "fix" so to speak. I never expected what I saw when I did though.

I think maybe she is the kind of person who thrives on attention and drama. I think she's out for the status of a boyfriend more than anything. This is fine and leave her to it I suppose but ultimately she has taken me down in her search for status.

I've done my best to throw myself into my life and keep myself busy. I've surrounded myself with people that care about me probably to the stage where I am driving them mad. I am going to visit a friend in the UK soon and I've been setting my sights on that.

The long and the short of it is that I am hurting though. Despite some very reasonable posts here assuring me I still fell very low this weekend. I suppose that’s something that I need to deal with myself. We were together half a year but I fell hard. I suppose you can't really base how long you were with somebody on how long it takes to get over somebody. It's all about how many switches they flicked during your time together and how easily you can turn them back off again I suppose.

Thank you.

Sleepless and Manic

GuttedConfused&Heartbroken wrote: »

Despite some very reasonable posts here assuring me I still fell very low this weekend. I suppose that’s something that I need to deal with myself.

Another month at least. Certainly in four weeks you'll be able to look back at this immediate aftermath and feel some improvements.

Its a kind of mourning. Its someone you felt really intensely about leaving your life and there's nothing that can fill that gap. Nothing. The hole in your heart cant be cured it can only be got used to. And that takes time.

Sorry.

There's a french saying: In every relationship there is one that kisses and one that offers the cheek.

such is life 2

OP, im in the same boat as you,(see my post/ thread "in a spot of bother") Im hurting deep inside, driving me crazy thinking about what shes doing and i knew her routine off by heart. But friends are a great thing, and the more you talk about it the better youl feel i think, im trying to hold myself together too and really trying but i get choked inside then i talk about it and feel better for letting it out, i have no idea if this helps but im on the same boat lad and will paddle the course with ye