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Relationships. What am I missing here?
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27-02-2014 12:22am#1
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You just haven't met the right guy yet. There is a saying that "You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince" and its absolutely true.
It sounds like you have most of the prerequisites for a serious relationship (successful career-wise, independent, worldly etc). Often people (even your age) are trying to sort all that out, so consider the fact you are doing reasonably well as regards your own needs.
I agree, repeated disappointment lessens the more failed dating encounters you have. It is painful in the beginning, but the more you are used to it, the less it hurts. If you can resist it, you're doing well.
Don't worry about the guys who let you down, if they forget about you after one date they're not worth your time.
I'm the same, when I date a girl I want to date one who cares for me, who I can care back for, and someone I can offer reciprocal support. There will be some who walk out, but I just move on to the next.
I would say to not worry about when or where you will meet Mr. Right, just enjoy every date that comes your way and when your not trying too hard or expecting too much you will meet the right person
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I always find in these situations people tend to end up pairing off in more serious relationships with friends of friends or people they kind of half knew all along. In my opinion (and correct me if I'm wrong), internet dating would invite more casual one-night-stands etc., so my first question would be - do you actually know anyone you totally fancy?! Maybe try and date someone like that rather than relying on totally random meetings.
Ireland doesn't have the same dating culture you see on American TV, but going out a few times with your friends and fictional-bf-to-be's mates can help set the chemistry alight.
Also post some pictures so we can judge for ourselves whether or not you are attractive :pac: (joking
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Thank you all for the advice and feedback.
While it's lovely and reassuring to hear I 'just haven't met the right guy yet' it's also kind of frustrating coz it's like, I'm in my late 20s, I'm putting myself out there, I'm 'doing the right things' - and people seem to have been - since my early early dating years - pretty much falling into relationships all around me! You know?
Hard not to take it personally at this stage and sometimes I wish hearing that there was something obvious about me that was off-putting or that I needed to change would be easier. I could then do something practical to move things along a little as opposed to just leaving it up to the gods of fate!
I do take the point that seems to have come up about jumping into bed sending the wrong message. To put in context any time this has happened it's been an alcohol-impaired judgement that led to the decision - maybe that combined with a lack of affection for a while - I never set out on a date to sleep with someone.
I spent years being the advocate for 'women like sex too' etc ect but I guess there is a sad reality about this stuff. Maybe I need to just accept that and set out to just have a laugh with someone and see how things go.
Ongarboy's post really struck a chord. that's a thought I have often - that setting out to intentionally find a relationship is working against me. It just seems like a lose lose situation though. If I go out without that intention it won't happen either! It hasn't happened at all yet! I get the point that setting out with high expectations can lead to disappointment and maybe me coming across as a bit over eager. But I've spent so so so long lying to myself, pretending i was perfectly happy being single and having a bit of fun here and there, but it's just not true at all and I got sick of the pretence. Why can't people be honest about this stuff?
It IS hard to meet people I find attractive and seem to have things in common with and it doesn't go further for that reason though.
And the 'waiting for them to call thing'. I'm quite instinctive about someone being interested in me at this stage and no man who has ever been interested in me has left me hanging. I've done a lot of dating 'post mortems' too and it was always the ones that were half assed about texting, meeting up etc that turned out to be not bothered and I;m not interested in wasting my time. I also got badly burned by being quite forward with a guy I was crazy about only to be strung along and eventually dumped for another girl and I found the experience v hurtful and embarrassing so maybe that's clouding my judgement. I decided after that I would never chase a guy again, if he's bothered he can show it and if he's not well fcuk him, to be frank.
On re-reading my post Im not sure how likeable I came across and I take the point about seeming 'over confident' but that's not me at all! I was just trying to lay the facts out so there wouldn't be any assumptions about me - but in the whole I'd be a pretty laidback, easygoing and very likeable person, maybe a bit of a people pleaser. Just the point that i have no problem attracting guys - it's knowing what to do with that attention and maintaining that attention to become something meaningful beyond one or two meetings that's my problem.
Thanks again to everyone for taking the time to respond.0 -
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singlesinglesinglesinglesingle wrote: »Thank you all for the advice and feedback.
While it's lovely and reassuring to hear I 'just haven't met the right guy yet' it's also kind of frustrating coz it's like, I'm in my late 20s, I'm putting myself out there, I'm 'doing the right things' - and people seem to have been - since my early early dating years - pretty much falling into relationships all around me! You know?
Hard not to take it personally at this stage and sometimes I wish hearing that there was something obvious about me that was off-putting or that I needed to change would be easier. I could then do something practical to move things along a little as opposed to just leaving it up to the gods of fate!
I do take the point that seems to have come up about jumping into bed sending the wrong message. To put in context any time this has happened it's been an alcohol-impaired judgement that led to the decision - maybe that combined with a lack of affection for a while - I never set out on a date to sleep with someone.
I spent years being the advocate for 'women like sex too' etc ect but I guess there is a sad reality about this stuff. Maybe I need to just accept that and set out to just have a laugh with someone and see how things go.
Ongarboy's post really struck a chord. that's a thought I have often - that setting out to intentionally find a relationship is working against me. It just seems like a lose lose situation though. If I go out without that intention it won't happen either! It hasn't happened at all yet! I get the point that setting out with high expectations can lead to disappointment and maybe me coming across as a bit over eager. But I've spent so so so long lying to myself, pretending i was perfectly happy being single and having a bit of fun here and there, but it's just not true at all and I got sick of the pretence. Why can't people be honest about this stuff?
It IS hard to meet people I find attractive and seem to have things in common with and it doesn't go further for that reason though.
And the 'waiting for them to call thing'. I'm quite instinctive about someone being interested in me at this stage and no man who has ever been interested in me has left me hanging. I've done a lot of dating 'post mortems' too and it was always the ones that were half assed about texting, meeting up etc that turned out to be not bothered and I;m not interested in wasting my time. I also got badly burned by being quite forward with a guy I was crazy about only to be strung along and eventually dumped for another girl and I found the experience v hurtful and embarrassing so maybe that's clouding my judgement. I decided after that I would never chase a guy again, if he's bothered he can show it and if he's not well fcuk him, to be frank.
On re-reading my post Im not sure how likeable I came across and I take the point about seeming 'over confident' but that's not me at all! I was just trying to lay the facts out so there wouldn't be any assumptions about me - but in the whole I'd be a pretty laidback, easygoing and very likeable person, maybe a bit of a people pleaser. Just the point that i have no problem attracting guys - it's knowing what to do with that attention and maintaining that attention to become something meaningful beyond one or two meetings that's my problem.
Thanks again to everyone for taking the time to respond.
Lovely, reassuring and dead wrong.
Sorry to be blunt, but I'll try to be helpful also. You have been sexually mature for half your life. It is not plausible that you haven't met a 'right guy'. Either you haven't recognised him, or you have put him off. Or them, more likely. If you say you just have to wait, you need to decide how long you are prepared to wait. Another 15 years?singlesinglesinglesinglesingle wrote: »I guess my most recent "date" has slightly exasperated me and made me wonder if things will ever actually change. i'm late 20s and totally monogamous by nature - not cut out for multi-dating, for 'trying out' all different kinds of men ...
...He's gone on holidays this week and through some fb online stalking (we've all done it right?) discovered that it seems to be to meet a girl, someone he seems to have some sort of relationship with.
There is one problem straight away. If you didn't actually say that you would not simultaneously date him and another guy, you can be sure that you communicated it non-verbally. But you seem to think that it's fine for him to do that. Where is your sense of self-worth?
Your sense of self-worth is important for yourself, but also it also signals your suitability as a girlfriend to guys you meet.
There has been a lot of talk about the 'no sex before the whatever-th date' rule here. This is a (pretty crude) way that many girls use that to signal that they have a high sense of their worth. There are probably better ways of doing that, but if all else fails, it is better than nothing.
It's not unusual that you are horny and want to have sex with someone you fancy if you meet them and are attracted, particularly if you are single. That isn't necessarily incompatible with putting them on shortlist to be considered as boyfriend material, but it isn't something that will be decided on that first night.
Guys - and girls - will value a potential mate on a number of factors. One will be looks, but they will take cues not just from what they see, but the opinions that they perceive others to have too - not least the possible object of their desire. A girl whose behaviour signals low-worth as a mate is a definite turn-off.
Another turn-off is the sense that they are desperate and willing to cling to the first guy that comes along. If a girl told me - or I even picked up from signals - that she was being 'faithful' to me after one or two dates, sex or no sex, then I would run a mile.
Guys are competitive, and always worried that other guys are getting one up on them; and about other guys ridiculing their choice of girlfriend. If other guys appear to be rejecting you, that is a good reason for them to do the same. If other guys are, or appear to be, after you, they are more interested.
So, if you aren't interested in dating more than one guy at a time, at least don't give the guy the impression that you are choosing baby names before you have finished your first drinks. If you want to have sex, fine, but make it very clear that it is for you. For example, tell him you want him to come back to your place, but only so he can give you oral sex. And tell him how lucky he is that you are horny, you would never take your pants off for a guy on the first date normally.
Pay for your own drinks, and not his. That sets a tone of equality.
Don't get blind drunk, and if he needs to drink so much that you can't keep up, forget him.
Everything from fast cars to lipstick are designed to signal somebody's worth as a mate. Everybody does it in many ways. You need to be clear about sending the right signal.0 -
TechnicalGroup wrote: »Lovely, reassuring and dead wrong.
Sorry to be blunt, but I'll try to be helpful also. You have been sexually mature for half your life. It is not plausible that you haven't met a 'right guy'. Either you haven't recognised him, or you have put him off. Or them, more likely. If you say you just have to wait, you need to decide how long you are prepared to wait. Another 15 years?
There is one problem straight away. If you didn't actually say that you would not simultaneously date him and another guy, you can be sure that you communicated it non-verbally. But you seem to think that it's fine for him to do that. Where is your sense of self-worth?
Your sense of self-worth is important for yourself, but also it also signals your suitability as a girlfriend to guys you meet.
There has been a lot of talk about the 'no sex before the whatever-th date' rule here. This is a (pretty crude) way that many girls use that to signal that they have a high sense of their worth. There are probably better ways of doing that, but if all else fails, it is better than nothing.
It's not unusual that you are horny and want to have sex with someone you fancy if you meet them and are attracted, particularly if you are single. That isn't necessarily incompatible with putting them on shortlist to be considered as boyfriend material, but it isn't something that will be decided on that first night.
Guys - and girls - will value a potential mate on a number of factors. One will be looks, but they will take cues not just from what they see, but the opinions that they perceive others to have too - not least the possible object of their desire. A girl whose behaviour signals low-worth as a mate is a definite turn-off.
Another turn-off is the sense that they are desperate and willing to cling to the first guy that comes along. If a girl told me - or I even picked up from signals - that she was being 'faithful' to me after one or two dates, sex or no sex, then I would run a mile.
Guys are competitive, and always worried that other guys are getting one up on them; and about other guys ridiculing their choice of girlfriend. If other guys appear to be rejecting you, that is a good reason for them to do the same. If other guys are, or appear to be, after you, they are more interested.
So, if you aren't interested in dating more than one guy at a time, at least don't give the guy the impression that you are choosing baby names before you have finished your first drinks. If you want to have sex, fine, but make it very clear that it is for you. For example, tell him you want him to come back to your place, but only so he can give you oral sex. And tell him how lucky he is that you are horny, you would never take your pants off for a guy on the first date normally.
Pay for your own drinks, and not his. That sets a tone of equality.
Don't get blind drunk, and if he needs to drink so much that you can't keep up, forget him.
Everything from fast cars to lipstick are designed to signal somebody's worth as a mate. Everybody does it in many ways. You need to be clear about sending the right signal.
This has to be a troll:D:D:D !!! 0 -
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