Getting over being bullied as a child

112233445566

It's been ten years since the bullying started. I was in my final two years of primary school (so I was about 11&12) at the time. I was young so I stayed back a year and repeated 5th class. I went to a small country school with about 70 pupils and 4 teachers.

I remember not being very happy about repeating a year but I never really told my parents how I felt. I understood why they were making me repeat, being a year younger than everyone else wasn't doing me any favours.

The day I went in to my new class I thought everything would be fine because I had known the other kids from school. I was wrong though, the bullying started nearly instantly by one girl in particular. She was the loud one in the class and so everyone followed her and laughed and agreed with her as she picked on my. The name calling, sniggering, and ignoring was constant. Already being a sensitive person I wasn't emotionally strong enough to battle through. I remember staying inside the class room at lunch time whenever I could. The days I was made leave the room by my teacher made my physically sick. I used to panic walking out the door about how I was going to waste 35 minutes by my self without looking like a bigger loser than I already was or about where was the best place to hide, which corner would I use that particular day. I'll never forget the feeling of being told to leave the safety on the empty class room and to go socialise with my bullies....like wise when the bell rang the feeling of having to walk back in to the class room and sit down opposite my bully was not a feeling a child should ever know. I remember feeling alone and isolated as well as feeling worthless and disgusting.

A few times (very few times) someone in the class would talk normally to me but anything I said was then used to bully me more by the one main bully. I quickly believed everything they said too me and about me. I always assumed they were right, especially if the whole class was backing her up, then it had to be true, right? Through their poisonous words my vision of by self became fat, ugly, worthless, invisible, stupid, retarded, nosey, a loner, not wanted, a waste of space and lots more.

I'll never forgot my last day of primary school! As tradition goes...the 6th class pupils have a party to celebrate new beginnings. Our school had no uniform so we would wear normal clothes and we brought in party food. We drew on the white boards and signed tshirts and books and generally had fun. This is exactly what my class did...they had a ball. I on the other hand had a day of trying to look busy without being involved in the bigger party. I had no tshirt to get signed as I purposely wore one that had two many patterns on it...I know no one would sign one for me so that was my way of getting around it. I spent a lot of my day on the computer and trying my hardest to ignore what was going in. There were photos taken and unfortunately I had to stand in for them. It was a bitter sweet day really for me, bitter that it was another day of trying to be invisible, sweet because this was the LAST day I would ever have to deal with my bully and her followers....right? Wrong!

Ten years later and I'm here lying in bed writing this with tears flowing down my face. For all these years I haven't been able to "unteach" myself the things that my class thought me about my self. I feel worthless the majority of the time, what do I honestly have that will make a difference to others? I feel disgusting, fat, and ugly all the time. Looking in the mirror is painful. I would love to know the feeling of looking in the mirror and thinking, hey I look good today! I'm invisible to the world, I spent years and years escaping many social events so that I wouldn't have to deal with groups of people. If I'm in a group I panic and I get so worked up inside that I completely but silently freak out. I'm so uncomfortable in groups I need to get out as soon as possible and if I don't i can get a panic attack (which I'm good at hiding, but that doesn't make it easier to deal with). I don't know how to talk to others normally. This is a skill people take as granted but when bullies leave you out of everything and you learn to be quiet it's not something that is easily learnt again. When I'm talking to someone, my thoughts are, "what am I meant to talk about" " o my god I sound so stupid" "stop talking you sound like an idiot!" "Ok ok time to get out of this situation...leave now!" I'd love so so much to have a nice long conversation with someone that found me interesting. I can't communicate with guys. They don't ever look twice at me and if I get talking to them it's awkward. I'm not at all funny or quick witted so my level of banter or joking is so low I sound boring and dull. I'd love to meet someone and have a relationship....there is nothing I want more in life than to have a husband and kids and to be happy....I think though, being very honest that that will never happen, it will be just me forever because I'm not capable of building relationships. I can't let people get close to me, I have a huge barrier up that even I can't get through.

I know it's stupid that I have let one person make me like this but it's important that people know that bullying doesn't end when that person(s) is gone from your life, they are never gone, they will always be there causing pain and emotional aches. I'm annoyed that I'm not strong enough to forgive and forget. I'd like to be the bigger person but I can't. I also hate when people say that the bully did it because of their own problems and insecurities, that doesn't make it any easier for me. An individual should never have an excuse for making another persons life miserable. The girl that bullied me last her father to cancer a few weeks after I joined the class and I know that's an awful thing for anyone to deal with but did that really give her permission to ruin my life?

Amirani

Mod

Hi OP, welcome to Boards. I'm moving your thread to Personal Issues as it's a more appropriate location for your questions. Best of luck!

Lou.m

She has not ruined your life. :-)

Don't internalize her vision of who you are. Don't let someones opinion of you become your reality.

Maybe you are not over it enough yet to forgive and forget but you will be.

When you love yourself enough that it no longer affects you then you will.

The bullies problems never justify the behavior but they might help you understand.

She must have been emotionally exhausted from her loss.

I am now really good friends with girls who bullied me. I was lucky though it never affected me in the way it did you. And it is important to acknowledge that this never affects everyone the same. And that's ok. Some view it as part of being a kid but you know it's not to negate the hurt it caused you.

Listen romance is not about how good at banter you are I promise :-) You will meet someone who CAN do the banter bit. When I meet a shy person I try and be the balance. I try doing the banter.

Maybe you should be a bit kinder to yourself. Have you tried some counselling or alternative therapy.

I have found when I am truly compassionate to myself it is easier to forgive.

I read a lot of shame in your post and lack of self acceptance.

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR PERSONALITY! You are fine as you are!

But a bit kinder to yourself.

You know I have guy friends who are in exactly the same position as you. I tell them the same thing. It's ok. YOU ARE LOVABLE.

And when you FEEL LOVABLE to yourself you will let go . :-)

Surround yourself with positive people and be kind to the world starting with yourself.
xxx

I'm really sorry to hear this. All I can really say to you is that I'm 29 and have been through almost everything you said here.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I felt compelled to write after reading your post. Our stories are quite similar in that I was bullied at that age and I let it affect me so much that I made friends with abusive people who continued to torment me until I left secondary school. Im in college now and just last week started counselling for myself. I went to counselling because I felt like you do now. Unlovable, boring, not worthy of affection. The first session I just broke down but the feeling after that session of a weight having being lifted was incredible.

One of the major things that I found helped me was accepting that its okay to have been affected by this. I was always so aware that 'everyone gets bullied get over it' mentality occured, and I found that I used to use the fact that I was bullied and was upset over it as a way of punishing myself further. My thoughts were always' youre so stupid, how can you let this affect you, everyone else thats bullied as a child gets over it'

I really found that admitting that its okay to be affected by it, and accepting that while it has affected me up to now, I am able to look more clearly at the evidence that my beliefs about myself are not true.

I cannot reccommend couselling enough. I too am like you in the romantic sense in that ive never been able to have a relationship, but Im hopeful for the future now as I can honestly say that in even 2 sessions of counselling I am already in a much healthier frame of mind.

I hope this help in some way, you deserve to feel better than you do now x

Merkin

You poor thing, your post makes for sad reading.

Let me first say that what happened to you does not define you. Like any other victim of abuse (and you were mentally abused), it's all too easy to let that control and feelings of worthlessness to continue into adult life but it is ultimately down to you and you only not to let the perpetrators win.

Every time you tell yourself that you're not worthy or not good enough or not pretty enough you are reinforcing lies created by someone who is thankfully long in your past.

I really think you would benefit from counselling enormously. You've tried to shoulder this burden alone but it sounds like it has been a continuous loop in your head which means negative thought patterns and feelings of anxiety. Rather than internalizing it all and being unkind to yourself, you now owe it to yourself to deal with this and counselling will enable you to a. deal with what happened and b. arm you with the tools to start living the life you deserve.

You are wonderful and you are worthy and you are just as deserving of respect and love as any other human being. With a little bit of help you will start to believe that m'dear but it does mean taking that first bold step in looking for help in the first place.

I sincerely wish you well and a happy and bright future - please look into counselling immediately and take care of yourself - you need to love yourself in order to allow other people to love you too xx

ShowMeTheCash

Hey OP.

I know people that have related this type of story to me in the past.
As already mentioned it sounds like counselling could be something that you may benefit from.

It is a difficult situation, as children we usually grow from our experiences however in some cases they can have negative effect.

To why some children thrive and others struggle is very difficult to fully understand, why are some children shy and others confident??

I do not know you, but the way you tell the story it appears like this is a reoccurring theme throughout your life and you appear to be very bitter towards the people/person you hold responsible for your life turning out this way....

I suggest talking to a mental health specialist perhaps they can help you.

Life can be hard, life can be a struggle but at the end of the day it's yourlife, how you feel and how it turns out is ulimately up to you! (Usually...)

I hope you get the help you need as it appears you are in a very dark place at the moment.

All the best.

thefeatheredcat

I feel very much for you OP. I had a horrible time in primary school over a lot of bullying that I was happier hiding smelling of TCP from a grazed knee with the only person who was kind to me, the school secretary, than out in the playground with my peers who generally took that time to single me out, blank me, or include me to humiliate me. Even secondary school wasn't much fun, but I tried to be invisible and not interact with people I went to primary school with but my experiences already had me mistrustful of others and with low self esteem that it wasn't until my 20s I started to feel more confident and comfortable in myself.

OP that person that specifically targeted you probably only had support because others feared that if it wasn't you, it would be them. And sometimes people are bullies not just because of their own issues with themselves, or issues at home, but because they just are nasty people and feel they have the given right to be nasty to others if they want to, and even better if they are feared by others that they have power, support and approval for what they are doing, even if people know deep down that what they are doing is very wrong.

I would also, like others, recommend that you seek counselling, the earlier in life you deal with the issues, such as your self esteem and self worth, the self loathing, the effects of what that bully made you believe about yourself, the anxiety in groups, the sooner you can feel better in yourself and realise you are not those things they said you were, and the sooner you can start dismantling the wall you've built around you and let people into your life, the sooner you can have happy friendships and relationships and be happy in life, with who you are, knowing you are a confident, lovely person with a lot to offer in life, with a healthy self esteem and self worth.

I wouldn't worry about forgive and forget.... or in not being able to forgive at all. In time through a cycle of emotions in dealing with things with counselling, you may be able to, but the actual real important person you forgive is yourself, if perhaps you feel you were to blame for any of it, or for how you have felt or feel about yourself, or believing yourself weak in dealing with it, or being too harsh on yourself, or in believing those lies told to you by others.

The people that bullied me back in primary school..... tonight reading and replying back to your post was the first time in a long time I have thought about them. They don't matter to me. They're not part of my life and whatever they did to me no longer has a control on how I feel about myself. Needless to say I didn't keep contact with anyone really from my primary or secondary school days and I didn't go to my 10 year secondary school reunion simply because I didn't see any point in wasting my time, my money, in trying to get on with a bunch of people I don't know, have no interest in knowing, and couldn't give a toss about generally, for the sake of it, when I'd had 10 happier years without them where I achieved stuff and done things and had happy (and not so happy) times for various reasons. Even when I've heard updates about some of their lives, I've just thought, good for them and never thought about them again. I might see some of them around from time to time, but all they are is just another face in the crowd that I feel nothing for - not positive nor negative about - and that they really aren't that relevant in my life or reflection of who I am as a person.

ShowMeTheCash

I feel the need to post on this again.

Being shy and possibly suffering form an anxiety disorder as a child can have lasting and devastating long term effects if not addressed or treated.

Listening to the stories above everyone seems to say the same thing, they tried to avoid or tried to be invisible....
Anxiety disorders are reinforced by avoidance, it is the inability of being able to deal with a situation that can begin the anxiety cycle that people often feel trapped in.

I think the thing to remember is, children can be cruel... but they are children... They have not leanred or truely understand the full ramifcations of their actions...

I think the OP needs to talk to someone, you will not be able to fix the past, holding resentment to the people who made your life hell cannot and will not help, in fact these people really no longer exist.

I would go as far to say the OP sounds like they have a severe anxiety issue and selfasteme problems which are still present today which are holding them back, if you can get help with this, perhaps learn to push back and break the cycle of anxiety you may find you will be able to let of the past...

Now this part might sound a little harsh...

We all need to learn to be strong, you mention 10 years after primary school, so I am guessing you are in your early 20s... At 20 odd years of age you still have your whole life in front of you, life will at times be hard but it's how we learn from it or how we deal with it that will define us as a person.... You need to ask yourself, what type of person do you want to be? And what are you willing to do to become that person?

I will leave you with a quote from my favourite book.

"You must look into that storm and shout as you did in Rome. Do your worst, for I will do mine!

Cout of Monte Cristo