am I over reacting?

LegacyUser

Hey all. Lurked here for a long time but first time posting so apologies if it is in the wrong place.

I'm 32 yrs old and in a LDR with a french girl I met when I was living there. The LDR part is hard but we are trying to make it work. We skype most evenings and text each other throughout the day.

A few days ago a family member who is terminally ill was brought into hospital with pneumonia and wasn't expected to survive the weekend. I texted my girlfriend to let her know, and spent most of my weekend either in hospital supporting the family, or at their house taking care of their youngest. Any chance I had I messaged my gf, maybe once or twice a day.

While all of this was happened, an issue came up in France with my gf - we have a fine to pay which I got while I was there. I didn't find out about it till I was back in Ireland and of course offered to pay. A letter came in demanding the payment.

I got home yesterday for the first time in three days to have a hot shower and a change of clothes, and jumped online to talk to my gf. I thought I would get some support but instead she has spent yesterday and today telling me that I had no right to drop everything for three days, that she would

would do the same AND dealt with the problems that i caused for a person especially if i care about that person.. the day has 24 hours.. It world have been possible to be there for me too

along with

all I'm asking was for help to make decisions i have to take.. wasn't my idea i had to make them these three days and although I'm sorry about it there is nothing i can do about it. The same way you cant help that your aunt is bad at that very moment and not next week.

and

But you not understanding that at all is probably the most disappointing thing for a long time

these are the nice comments. they get worse. For the first time with her I haven't backed down because I don't think I have anything to apologize for. The way I see it my aunt was dying, I let my gf know this and dropped everything to be with my family because they needed me, but my gf is upset cos I wasn't available to her too.

A few details are important to know.
1. I told her what was happening with my family
2. she never told me that she needed me to help deal with something
3. she is still telling me in nastier ways how disappointed she is in me that i let her down and i don't get the situation.

I'm at my wits end here. I've had a very long and exhausting weekend and the last thing i needed to come home to was this. i don't think i did anything wrong and honestly i think she is being selfish.

Please help

Merkin

LDR communication can be a bloody minefield sometimes.

Rather than have a tit-for-tat email war why don't you Skype each other this evening and hear each other out? Have you actually spoken to each other about this properly?

Penny Tration

If those are snippets of a private conversation with her, I really think you should remove them rather than post her private conversation online

Big Bag of Chips

Talk to her, and tell her that point 3 also reflects how you feel about her actions at the minute.

December2012

I suppose she may have a frustrated point if this has been on the long finger by you.

But of course, your aunts problems are way more important and is something that does matter - a fine doesn't, and in the grand scheme of things your girlfriend being psssed off at you isn't.

Tell your girlfriend she is making a terrible time for you worse and she should drop this topic for now.

Btw I hope your family are ok.

fullstop

green_screen wrote: »

If those are snippets of a private conversation with her, I really think you should remove them rather than post her private conversation online

Why should he? Nobody here knows who she is or who the OP is except the OP.

LegacyUser

thank you all for the replies. Merkin is right, LDR communication sucks and I have tried to be there for her every single day we are apart. something I don't like is that she is a little bit controlling, 95 percent of the time I am online when we arrange, but a couple of times when things have come up (I got held up at a meal with my family last week) she gets upset that i didn't stick to the schedule. And I let a lot of that slide.

The reason I am angry this week is that it's an uncontrollable situation, and it is a BIG DEAL, my family is doing everything to hold my uncles family together through this, and I told my gf this on Thursday. I don't think I put her on the long finger, I told her that I would be out of touch because of the family emergency, and I have texted her a few times each day to let her know how everyone is doing.

I haven't skyped her because everything she said made me very upset and angry at the whole situation. And she has shown no interest in skyping me either. If I had disappeared off for a week with the lads from home fair enough, but it was an emergency and i let her know what was going on, and I think its really hurtful and unreasonable to throw it in my face that I wasn't there for her, considering I was at a dying persons bedside. I couldn't believe the things she was saying when I got online on Sunday night. If I skyped, I was afraid that I would say something that I would regret. But even after two days no, I still feel that she was wrong, and if she messaged me to say that someone was dying there, I would do everything I could to make it easier for her. She's messaging me right now and still hasn't backed down one iota, and I'm ready to delete her number

December2012

I just want to clarify my first sentence; when I meant putting "this" on the long finger I meant putting the fine issue on the long finger.

If you are unsure of what you would say and she's not making amends then I think you're doing the right thing taking some time away now.

ElleEm

I think you are well within your rights to be p!ssed off with her, OP. You and your family are going through something so terrible right now, and she should be there to support you as much as she can from across the sea. The way you describe her makes her seem so selfish, and really unable to see things from anyone else's perspective. I can see why you want to curb contact at the minute, I can imagine you are very angry with her. She is showing little compassion for your situation. Maybe just take some time to cool off. If that means emailing her to say you need to take a few days off contact, then do. Do whatever is best for you right now. You can deal with the relationship stuff when you have the headspace to. Right now, I can imagine her tantrums are the last thing you need.

LegacyUser

I'd be disgusted if I were you. The only thing I can think of that might explain her reaction is if the fine was for something serious, I don't know, like assault - not just a parking fine.

If it's just a traffic offence, I'd be livid at how she behaved, and I'd probably end the relationship. Not just because she's being pissy - but because of the complete lack of feeling for you & your family in such sad circumstances.

Big Bag of Chips

Are you still humouring her, OP? I wouldn't be bothered emailing/texting whatever for the moment, because the content will either be you apologising for "not being there for her", or you getting annoyed at her and having a row that both of you probably don't want right now.

For now I'd take a step back. Tell her you are taking a step back because at the moment you have other things on your mind. She might be worried about the repercussions of the unpaid fine, and being separated from you and what is going on here, means she is separated from the emotion around it and not fully aware of what is going on.

She of course should have a bit of cop on.. but there's something going on in both your lives, in different countries that is causing you both stress. Arguing over it now is pointless. And something you really really don't need at this time.

LegacyUser

Thaks for the responses, its nice to know I'm not going nuts here.

After getting in this afternoon to a dozen messages describing her various shades of disappointment that I hadn't gotten back to her (spent last night in the hospital with family), I sent her a message wishing her all the best in the future with her next boyfriend.

Defiler Of The Coffin

You did the right thing OP. She sounds completely self-absorbed and heartless. Far better out there.

dellas1979

Ah Im sorry to hear about your Aunt OP.

But yes, total disrespect there from your ex. You did at least try your best to keep in contact (and you let her know what was going on).

Other (crappy/hard) things in life like this are (unfortunately) going to happen. And it seems anyways that all she will think of is herself.

It could be a lesson for her too, in respecting people and certain situations.

maria34

I dont understand what kind of fine you are talking about? Or what was her problem?
If thats your fine on your name then i dont see what she is stressing about.

U have hard time and that all day bombing u with texts was over the top to be honest. No symphaty whatsovere. Hope she did ask about your aunt at least once!

Neyite

lostandconfused wrote: »

Thaks for the responses, its nice to know I'm not going nuts here.

After getting in this afternoon to a dozen messages describing her various shades of disappointment that I hadn't gotten back to her (spent last night in the hospital with family), I sent her a message wishing her all the best in the future with her next boyfriend.

I think you did the right thing. Relationships are hard work, and you are supposed to be a support to your partner when they are going through some tough times. When I was coping with a family illness, my partner took care of all the big and little stuff so I didn't have to worry. I missed important occasions on his side of the family, and was met with absolute understanding. If you cannot lean on the person you love the most when you need them, what's the point of them being around?

She sounds very self-absorbed and it seems like she threw her toys out of the pram when you were not showering her with the usual attention.

You are well rid.

LegacyUser

op here again. Sorry about the time between responses, real life is taking over everything right now . Just to clear up a few things...

it wasn't a fine for assault it was a speeding ticket in her car (9kph over) and she didnt get it till I was back home. it came to her by default because it was her car, but I immediately offered to pay the fine and sign the papers to say i was the driver not her. So no I didn't assault anyone or miss a court attendance or any such thing

i wondered about posting her words here but i decided to do it because i wanted people to get a true account of what happened and not just my read on things. This was the conversation yesterday (her=red, me=green)

And why should i support you when you dont support me?
I think i supported yoz without any but on Thursday
because if you turned around tomorrow and said that someobeody there was dying, I would bend over backwards to supprt you and it wouldn't matter what else was going on
Although i wanted to talk to yoz then i didnt say a word.
Told yiu to stop saying sorry and we will talk tomorrow
Not enough support?
Why dont yiu bend over and support me when i have to deal with legal things you caused?
I think theres more reasons for support than death
Do you have any idea what a horrible thing that is to say to somebody?
No i dont


I appreciate the kind words. I was worried that with everything i had going on that i was judging her too harshly. It's good to hear what you have to say here.

Stavro Mueller

I'm late to this thread but I'm glad to read that you got rid of this self-absorbed drama queen. I find it hard to believe that a grown adult would behave like this. Did the bit about you having a very seriously ill loved one in hospital sail right over her head?

You learn a lot about people at times like these. The selfishness, spitefulness and lack of compassion she displayed here would put a lot of people off. That's before you consider her over-reaction to that fine. The only good thing is that you've found out what she was like before it was too late.

Big Bag of Chips

If you have finished with her, and are serious about finishing with her, then stop with the communication now. It is achieving nothing. She is not going to back down. You have no reason to back down, and more on your plate at the moment.

So no more replies. I'm sure you will get plenty more emails from her. But the more you engage her in discussion, and the more you try to justify your position to her, the more leeway you are giving her to be indignant and think "I am right, he is so unreasonable".

No more emails. Give her a few weeks, to realise that you have actually ended the relationship, and then contact her to sort out anything that needs to be sorted.

CaraMay

By responding to her you are feeding into the drama.

Please stop posting the conversations as they are hard to follow. Why are you still feeding the bear here? Is it finished or not?

Ande1975

In fairness to the OP, he's posting these chats because given what's going on in his life, he cannot see the wood from the trees and needs assurance he is doing the right thing.

Easy for us to say, cut the cord now, be done with her...

Ending a relationship, especially an LDR, is very messy and the OP is seeing a side to his (soon to be) ex that's come as a shock, I suspect.

I'm sorry all this has happened OP, and you're doing the right thing ending this relationship.

A relative of mine who has been married a long time gave me this advice recently - don't fully commit to someone until you see how they are in a crisis.

I know that is a bit extreme but this thread proves their point in a way.

Good luck!

Merkin

lostandconfused wrote: »

Not enough support?
Why dont yiu bend over and support me when i have to deal with legal things you caused?
I think theres more reasons for support than death
Do you have any idea what a horrible thing that is to say to somebody?
No i dont

:eek:

You're well shot. Now stop communicating with the woman by blocking all modes of contact and leave it be.

Pippy1976

lostandconfused wrote: »

I think theres more reasons for support than death[/color]

The relationship, for me, would end right there with that comment. Heartless.

LegacyUser

sorry... the messages i posted were the last group of messages she sent which led me to saying goodbye to her because people were asking what the fine was about etc. she has messaged me since but i havent replied. unfortunately we are tied together by the fine until that is sorted out so i have to deal with her a certain amount.

I am happy for the advice and the perspective so thank you all. with everything going on its hard to figure out if what Im doing is the right thing or not which is why i posted the messages to see how others would interpret them. I know it was the right thing to do but even so i still feel horrible over it being over, and i'm sad that she cant see how wrongly she acted.

Pippy1976

lostandconfused wrote: »

she cant see how wrongly she acted.

That's the crux of it right there.

Defiler Of The Coffin

If you think about it, why on earth would she cause so much drama over a speeding ticket? Once you've agreed you'll pay it what more is there to be said? That's before the sick relative even enters the equation. There's certainly an element of controlling behaviour here OP, your attention has been elsewhere for the past few days and she didn't like it one bit. Like others have said it's just as well you've found out what she's really like, shame it had to be during a time like this but so it had to be.

You have my sympathies OP, you've had a rough few days of it.

maria34

You did the right thing. She could have paid that fine herself at first and you could have dealt with it later. Thats what i would as a gf do if my partner has hard time.

Telling you that somebodys death isnt the most important is out of order anyway.

Hope your auntie is doing ok :-)