Age gap query

Snatchy

Hello all,

Here's a question: if a 30 year old girl, starts seeing a 26 year old guy what are the usual "age gap" doubts/concerns one would think she might have and what are the tell-tale signs that she has overcome them?

I know that's broad but aside from the obvious points of "is he ready to settle down, I'm looking for something steady and concrete...biological clock, maturity levels etc.", is there anything else?

I have recently starting seeing a 30 year old girl (who seems amazing so far!) but am not 100% sure of what she's thinking of "us" even though I know/think that she likes me. I don't want to raise it with her yet for fear of scaring her as we are in the very early stages of seeing each other. Some thoughts would be appreciated.

With thanks,

S

Tokyo

Snatchy wrote: »

"is he ready to settle down, I'm looking for something steady and concrete...biological clock, maturity levels etc."

You've covered the main ones TBH. The only other "age related issues" that would come to mind would be the perceptions of both your sets of friends when you meet them. She may be concerned that her friends will see you as "the toyboy", she may also be concerned what your friends might say about you seeing an "older woman". Other than that, the general relationship concerns apply.

At the end of the day, it comes down to being happy together. If you both are happy in this relationship, then age should be one of the last things to be worried about, especially when the gap is four years....

LegacyUser

what age gap? 4 years is an age gap now??? good god. also isn't all of this a little premature? she still has many years before she has to think about settling down, if she even wants to. The only way to know is to ask her, really. 30 isnt what it used to be....

Tiddlypeeps

4 years at that age really isn't that much of a gap. If you were in your early 20's then there would likely be issues with mismatched priorities, but even then it's down to the individuals involved. I can't see many people passing comment on the gap either since it's pretty small.

seosamh1980

cestmavie wrote: »

what age gap? 4 years is an age gap now??? good god. also isn't all of this a little premature? she still has many years before she has to think about settling down, if she even wants to. The only way to know is to ask her, really. 30 isnt what it used to be....

True, but if she wants kids she would be best getting that ball rolling in the next few years in terms of fertility, 30-34 for definite. 4 years isn't a big gap at all in itself, there's 5 years between myself and my husband, but it can be a big gap in life stages if the woman is 30 and looking to have kids soon and the guy is still mid 20's not planning ahead. Not all women will be wanting this at 30 but for those that do want kids 30 is the right time to be planning for it soon.

Emme

4 years either way isn't a major age gap between 26 and 30 as long as both parties have similar goals. If the OP is thinking of settling down in the next few years and he and his girlfriend love each other it's no big deal. If he were 36 and she were 40 it might not be so easy, particularly if he wanted children.

Potatoeman

cestmavie wrote: »

what age gap? 4 years is an age gap now??? good god. also isn't all of this a little premature? she still has many years before she has to think about settling down, if she even wants to. The only way to know is to ask her, really. 30 isnt what it used to be....

That depends on biology. I wouldnt take fertility as a non issue. You also need to workout how long your partner would want to date, live with and maybe even be married before they consider having kids.

LegacyUser

as far as i know a female can have children until the age of early 40s (this is not just something im making up, its true ) although it slowly starts to get more difficult from the age of 35. she doesnt just wake up at 35 and is unable to have kids, she has a good decade, at least, so i would like to say Relax people! :P after all he has only just started seeing her after all. in my case i was mainly just curious that 4 years was considered an ''age gap'', as surely if she were 4 years YOUNGER would he think it was an age gap? No wonder so many of us lie about our age....:S Right, thats my two cents...

Matteroffact

The age gap won't bother her if it doesn't bother you. She might be just wondering herself what you are thinking about it and that would be the height of it. She has the time to wait until you are 30 before starting a family so she would be relaxed about the whole thing right now. Enjoy it while it lasts.

seosamh1980

cestmavie wrote: »

as far as i know a female can have children until the age of early 40s (this is not just something im making up, its true ) although it slowly starts to get more difficult from the age of 35. she doesnt just wake up at 35 and is unable to have kids, she has a good decade, at least, so i would like to say Relax people! :P after all he has only just started seeing her after all. in my case i was mainly just curious that 4 years was considered an ''age gap'', as surely if she were 4 years YOUNGER would he think it was an age gap? No wonder so many of us lie about our age....:S Right, thats my two cents...

Women can have children until their 40's yes, but often having a first baby is more difficult 40+, easier to conceive if they already have kids. And there are a lot more risks to mother and baby the later you leave it, 38+ is considered a geriatric pregnancy in medical terms. So nobody should leave it til 40 and think "I'll be grand and get pregnant first go", better to start when your fertility is better. No they don't wake up at 35 and lose the ability to have kids, but if you start at 34/35 and it takes 2-3+ years to conceive you've pretty much lost your chance at having more than one kid, two if lucky.

The woman the OP is seeing mightn't even want kids or be fussed at about it all, it's just the main factor in this tiny age gap so might as well find out early either way.

Lux23

I'm 31 and my boyfriend is 28, it never caused us any issues so I think you will be ok. I'm probably not as mature as my boyfriend.

LegacyUser

thank you seosamh for taking such an interest in my posts. i will respond to your last comments. i did not say that the woman should have children at 40. i was saying that she has UNTIL then to have children, and that is ten years. what i was saying was true, it gets more difficult after 35 but women over 35 have children all the time. Our opinions are not, however, going to do much for the OP, as every woman is different, and the only person who can truly help the OP is the girl herself in this situation. i am speaking as a 30 year old woman myself, but of course the OPs girl is a completely different person. what i said before holds true, she does have a decade to have children, but for all we know she COULD want them right now, she may or she may not, none of us can know. The OP can only ever find out by asking her, so OP maybe you could just try to find out subtly, without outright asking and potentially scarin her off. maybe you could ask her how she feels about children in general?Good Luck!

annoyedgal

My guy was 27 when we got together. I'm three and a half years older. Two years on and we're living together and engaged. It's not about age as a number but being right for each other and being at the same stage of life mentally. Sounds like you really like her so go with it and good luck!

FollatonWood

Depends on the people involved really. Up until I was 25 I'd never have considered dating a guy younger than me, but I think after 25 it kind of levels out a bit.

The Corinthian

Snatchy wrote: »

I have recently starting seeing a 30 year old girl (who seems amazing so far!) but am not 100% sure of what she's thinking of "us" even though I know/think that she likes me.

It's not a giagantic gap, TBH. On the children front, I suppose it comes down to when were you thinking of settling down and starting a family? If the answer is mid-thirties or later, you may have a problem. Otherwise, you should be OK.

One caveat would be that the later you start, the smaller the size of your future family. Unless she's the type that gets pregnant at the drop of a hat (in which case, you're probably going to end up a father much earlier than you think), it can take a while, especially after 35 to actually get pregnant.

Other than that, you might get some asinine comments about being a toy-boy, but they'll be gone by the time you're 30. By the time you're 40, you'll just be seen as being the same age.

FollatonWood wrote: »

Depends on the people involved really. Up until I was 25 I'd never have considered dating a guy younger than me, but I think after 25 it kind of levels out a bit.

Very true in my experience. It's almost as if at around, 25 we basically stop growing up - certainly we grow wiser and more mature over time, but the rate of change is tiny compared to how you mature prior to that. Who you are at around 25 is, more or less, who you'll be for the rest of your life.

Ham Sambo

Will ya go away out of that!!! If that's all that worrying ya then you have nothing to worry about, 4 years of a difference in your age is nothing, stop worrying about it and get stuck in!!