Wife having an affair

Bub.W

Hi. I'm posting because I just found out this morning that my wife has been having an affair for two months now.

We have been together for 11 years and married six with a gorgeous two year old.

I confronted her this morning and we talked about it a lot. She assures me it ends now, but she works with the guy, how do I thrust that? She blames the idea that I have lost interest in life and do nothing. But I don't feel I have time to do anything. We both work very hard and the jobs are stressful. I take care of our child every morning because she leaves earlier than I do and I do all the cooking for us. The weekends are so short and she gets stressed over the house chores so i feel guilty saying I'm heading out for a few hours when I know I could be doing stuff at home. After that we are both tired and I'm quite happy to curl up in front of the tv for the night. We don't get babysitters too often anyway.

She has become much more work focused lately and says we just want different things now.

We said we could try counselling. Could be worth a try. Does anyone have any experience of this? Or can you recommend a good one in the Dublin/Fingal area.

I know I should be more angry than anything but to be honest the thought of loosing her terrifies me. I still love her very much. I just don't know if I can forgive her and move on. Or even if she wants to be forgiven, perhaps this is just the way out she wants.

Anyway, sorry for the rant but it's almost 5 am and she is in the next room asleep. She is getting up soon to go to work in the same office as the guy and I don't know how to deal with that.

Thanks.

keeponhurling

Ask her to move jobs , show she is serious about making up for things

Hardly unreasonable if you are to consider giving her a second chance

Bub.W

I think I already know the answer to that question. At the moment if feel if I were to say me or the job she would pick it. She says it's a large part of her now and in fairness she has worked very hard to get where she is (I asked her to get out of an overnight event on down the country this week and she said no, it would look bad). But as good as her job is now, no regard seems to be given to the fact that when she had lesser jobs I contributed substantially more to the bills and living expenses and picked up the slack when she was put on 3 days during the start of the recession. Now we earn about the same and I still put in more, it's just what I do.

keeponhurling

So she puts her job ahead of you, and also cheats on you ?
And even now would the job ahead of you ?

I'd say you deserve better

But the again I'm only done guy on the Internet so don't know the full story.
There must be some way of salvaging things

Tokyo

OP,

Sorry for your situation, it's a lot to deal with and I'm sorry that you find yourself in this position.

I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but considering everything that happened, and the fact that your wife would still choose her job over you, I am afraid it sounds like you are holding on to something that she is willing to give up. She betrayed your trust and in addition, blames the fact that she cheated on you. This is completely unjustified - regardless what problems you may have had, nobody forced her to sleep with her work colleague, this is a choice that she made for herself. She had plenty of other options if she felt neglected, i.e. talked about getting counseling, or trying to make time together, or asking you for what she needed emotionally etc. You are not at fault for your spouse’s decision to cheat.

You sound like you want to explore the possibility of reconciliation, it's hard to tell from your post if your wife feels the same, but if she's willing to put her job before you, then it doesn't sound like it. I think that considering that the affair happened with a work colleague that she still works alongside, asking her to change jobs, or at the very least, aspects of her job, is a very reasonable request. The fact that she won't even make alternate arrangements for an overnight work affair speaks volumes as to how much effort she wants to put into reconciliation, IMHO.

In my experience, counseling is one of these things that only works after both parties have had time to face the facts of what happened, and decide upon the next steps - either how to move forward together and reconcile, or how to part relatively amicably. And the simple truth is, your wife needs to accept responsibility for making the decision to cheat, which from what you describe, she is clearly unwilling to do. Ultimately, you will have to take the time to decide whether you want to leave your wife, or whether you want to work through the hardship that comes with confronting it and forgiving it, but she will also have to be willing to talk openly about the affair, the events that led to it, to accept responsibility for it, for the pain that she's caused you, and she has to be willing to make sacrifices in order to win your love and your trust back. And honestly, unless something changes, I don't see that.

Good luck.

December2012

Giving it a different slant - maybe she does not want to quit work right now because she already has so much on her mind. She may be aware that your relationship will break up and that if a separation is on the cards that she will need her financial strength.

Sometimes when we go through trauma we can't even see the danger we are in by staying in bad habits.

And if your relationship was as bad as it sounds you are both used to putting your own needs first and not really taking the other persons feelings on board, so why would she now?

The "good" news is that affairs and infidelity can be seen as a symptom of a marriage going wrong for other reasons - usually as a result if breakdown in expression of love and affection, communication, appreciation and effort.

These are things that can be worked on.

I don't think we are allowed to give recommendations on specific marriage counselling organisations I'm afraid.

But I think you should go, because you are both going to be dealing with two very different situations and you will need professional help to help you both with through this.

Whether or not I or you or anybody else thinks she should change jobs is irrelevant, she should realise this by herself.

Good luck

Bub.W

Hi, thanks for the replys.

She does seem to accept that it is her fault for letting it go this far. We both know we should have talked more and sooner.

I think we will just have to take some time to digest it all and work out where we go from there.

Many thanks.

jane82

People who have affairs get this self esteem type rise. "Oh somebody is attracted to me , Im so gorgeous". They then look at the partner and think "Im so much better than him I could leave tomorrow get a new fella".
The truth of it usually is some fellas being with her cause its handy. If you threw her out shed get an awful shock when this other chap tells her theres no room at the inn.
I think you are just inflating her ego more by patching things up on her terms in her time for fear she leaves. Id have her frogmarched into the job to pass her over to this fellas care. See how he explains not having room for a cot and nappies and her.

Bub.W

I doubt he is in it for the long haul as he is recently married with a child a bit younger than ours.

Czarcasm

Bub.W wrote: »

I doubt he is in it for the long haul as he is recently married with a child a bit younger than ours.

Bub, seriously, if your wife says the affair ended, then there IS no long haul. Never mind the other guy or what he's got going on. You sound like you have enough on your plate and you need to trust your wife if she says it's over and you want your relationship to work. If you can't do that, then as terrifying as the prospect is for you, you need to let her go.

Having read through just your posts in this thread and just taking your posts on face value alone, I don't think the words 'compromise' and 'understanding' are words either of you are familiar with, and if that is so the case, then maybe both of you should look at the reality that both of you have come to want different things in life.

Engine No.9

To be honest, I'm not sure the wife said it was over.... According to the OP the wife said "it ends now", which to me suggests that it's still ongoing but she has given assurances that it won't happen again.

I hate to be a Negative Ned, but I'm of the opinion that the reason she won't dodge the overnight work event is so she can be with this other guy on that night too. However bad it would look, family life always takes priority over work and while most employers aren't happy about it, most do accept it. This is a social event from what I can gather so she's not under any obligation to go.

Op, you also state that, given the ultimatum, your wife would choose work over her family. It speaks volumes for her mindset and if that's where she is you're best off leaving her there. The important thing in all of this is your little girl. Should ye break up? Honestly, most definitely. What happens the child in all of this? That's between ye but she has to come first.

I'd be very mindful of the future tho, that if you do break up, it could cause your wife to quit her job to concentrate on raising the child. She may very well be full of spite and blame you for her career taking a hit, but shevwill need to be reminded that had she not stepped out on you in the first place, the situation wouldn't exist. It's swings and roundabouts then at that stage but you get the gist.

Whatever happens OP, it will be for the best. Just mind yourself and your little girl while you're at it.

Cyclepath

OP, I think you are allowing yourself to be walked on. You have reacted to your wife's infidelity with a desperate "please don't leave me" response that gives her all the power and no apparent consequences for her unfaithfulness.

Of course she's not agreeing to cancel an overnight trip for work - you've put her in the driving seat. She won't take you seriously until she sees some retribution.

Frankly, she has no respect for you or the marriage, and you won't increase her respect for you with desperation. In fact, she's more likely to respect you if you she sees you acting with some self-respect.

Whether or not you mean to go through with it, you need to indicate to her that she has crossed a line and you wish to separate.

If she doesn't fight you on that, then you know where you stand, but for pity's sake value yourself and your right to happiness a little more.

jane82

Bub.W wrote: »

I doubt he is in it for the long haul as he is recently married with a child a bit younger than ours.

Does his wife know about the affair? Surely not if hes going on the trip.

Holsten

End it. I know of a bunch of these situations, in each one where they have stayed together the two of them are miserable and where it ended the ones I know about are 100% happier.

She is in work everyday with the guy she has been sleeping with... seriously like? Obviously it is hard due to the time you've been together and the child you have but you have to think about yourself in this situation.

Dellnum

She has a bit of making up to do OP and not going to that overnight event would be the least she could do to reassure you. If she is not prepared to do this then I would question whether she intends to stop this affair or is she just giving you lip service. She feels it would look bad if she didn't go, but you have to tell her that it looks bad in your eyes if she goes. Ask her who she wants to please here. You need to ask her also what she is prepared to do to make you believe that this is the end of the affair. I do believe that she still loves you and that she would do what you ask but you have to show that you mean business and that you are not prepared to carry on in this marriage if you ever find out that the affair is not over or if she ever does this again. You can tell her that you love her and would hate to lose her but you also have to let her know that you are not prepared to put up with this nonsense. So long as you facilitate her excuses she will try to get away with whatever she can. So the onus is on you to make her believe that you mean business or she could walk all over you.

Bub.W

jane82 wrote: »

Does his wife know about the affair?.

No, I don't think so.

Bub.W

pajopearl wrote: »

What happens the child in all of this?

We will always do whats best for our child, no matter what. He will be brought up by two loving parents. Be that together or seperately.

jane82

Bub.W wrote: »

No, I don't think so.

You could always find out if she knows through facebook. Just ask her has her husband said anything about the affair hes having with your wife.

Best possible outcome. He leaves job. Wife stays and every other married fella in the job knows whats at stake if they get any ideas.

Czarcasm

jane82 wrote: »

You could always find out if she knows through facebook. Just ask her has her husband said anything about the affair hes having with your wife.

Best possible outcome. He leaves job. Wife stays and every other married fella in the job knows whats at stake if they get any ideas.

That's only going to cause more trouble Jane and may not go the way you think. The OP would be better off to concentrate on fixing their own relationship rather than get involved in someone elses.

CaraMay

Czarcasm wrote: »

That's only going to cause more trouble Jane and may not go the way you think. The OP would be better off to concentrate on fixing their own relationship rather than get involved in someone elses.

I don't really agree. I don't think the wife is being straight up with him. As someone else pointed out, it doesn't seen like the affair is finished as such and unless she is attending a state banquet in her honour she should be making sure she was not away for a night with her 'male mistress' this week.

She wants it all and doesn't sound entirely reputable. I think the only way the op can move on is to get the full story and that does involve the other wife too.

Calhoun

Cyclepath wrote: »

OP, I think you are allowing yourself to be walked on. You have reacted to your wife's infidelity with a desperate "please don't leave me" response that gives her all the power and no apparent consequences for her unfaithfulness.

Of course she's not agreeing to cancel an overnight trip for work - you've put her in the driving seat. She won't take you seriously until she sees some retribution.

Frankly, she has no respect for you or the marriage, and you won't increase her respect for you with desperation. In fact, she's more likely to respect you if you she sees you acting with some self-respect.

Whether or not you mean to go through with it, you need to indicate to her that she has crossed a line and you wish to separate.

If she doesn't fight you on that, then you know where you stand, but for pity's sake value yourself and your right to happiness a little more.

Totally this post , op you need to take a step back here and review your situtation, I don't think I would be so passive if I was in your situation.

You really have to ask yourself do you want to be with someone who doesn't respect you or the relationship. It gives her a license to do what she wants as what are you going to do about it?

Even if you do manage toget it back on track if she doesn't quit her job you will always wonder if she is cheating on you as she is showing no real signs of remorse or making amends.

I think you need to go away and get a little by angry and a little bit determined on where you want to go from here. How do you want to be treated, what is your breaking point , what do you want her to do? Think about these and if she cannot commit to them then let her go as there are many out there that will treat you with respect.

Czarcasm

CaraMay wrote: »

I don't really agree. I don't think the wife is being straight up with him. As someone else pointed out, it doesn't seen like the affair is finished as such and unless she is attending a state banquet in her honour she should be making sure she was not away for a night with her 'male mistress' this week.

She wants it all and doesn't sound entirely reputable. I think the only way the op can move on is to get the full story and that does involve the other wife too.

More often than not though Caramay, and this is an unfortunate reality, the other wife involved will effectively "stand by her man", and especially when they too have a child involved.

I agree with you though that the OP's wife does indeed seem to want it all her own way, which is why I said earlier that neither the OP nor his wife seem familiar with the words 'compromise' nor 'understanding'.

Expecting his wife to leave her job is unrealistic at best, let alone expecting that telling the other guys wife would mean he would leave his job.

As has been seen and said time and again on this forum - a person who cheats will only ever admit to as much as is known already and you'll never get the whole truth. The OP if he wants to salvage his marriage will simply have to take his wife at her word and both of them learn the value of compromise and understanding from hereon out rather than drag up the past with "I did so and so for her", etc. The OP needs to be reminded that he did these things because he wanted to, not because he had to.

If the OP is unwilling or unable to move on from this and he and his wife are unwilling or unable to work on a way forward in their marriage, then from what the OP has written already, it may be in both their interest to investigate options for separation, but that should only be an absolute last resort.

Grandeeod

I read a lot here, but rarely post. However the OPs situation made me angry after he described it. So I'll do the bottom line advice. If you want to save your relationship, then get tough and demand more. Man up as the saying goes. The worst possible response to what your partner has done, is to react like a love sick schoolboy. My apologies for being so blunt. I fully understand that anyone in this position can fall into the natural human reaction of fear of the relationship going south, but she cheated on you. She passed all the stop signs that lead to the eventual act of having sex with another man. If you can handle and deal with it, then look for all the facts before fully deciding what to do. I agree with other posters that the cheater tends to foreclose on the facts at an early stage of discovery, but without all of the facts, you will never, ever mend this. You're head will be wrecked. If you can't accept it, leave. If you do believe that this can be mended, then face the reality and demand the detail of what went on. Either way, you can achieve closure.

Best of luck. It's not nice when this kind of thing happens. For what its worth, if it was me and I'm married, I'd end it. Cheating is the ultimate form of betrayal.

December2012

I agree with Grandeeeod, except if I was cheated on, I would not end it. I would try to do all I could to work on my marriage. But I think it's important that you are allowed time to process everything and change your mind about how you feel if needs be.

You're the one who is in shock, not your wife.

You need time.

Ham Sambo

I wonder if this other guy knows that his cover is blown? and if so would he be worried if his wife and family knew about his affair?? I would say he would be a little worried this evening, every time his house phone rings etc etc, if I was in your situation now I would give his wife a quick bell and give her the heads up, why should he get away without any pain or suffering.

riffmongous

I'd be very careful about giving advice to the OP about getting any one else involved just yet.. at the moment the OP is still trying to salvage things and judging by how his wife has reacted so far you can bet once she finds out that will only push her further away (I am not condoning her attitude either btw). I don't think it's right at all, but I'd wait till until you are more certain about how things are proceeding before going there OP.

jimd2

The OP is being way to nice here. It should be serious ultimatum time with his wife. If it was me I would be asking her to leave at least on a temporary basis.

And I would DEFINITELY tell the other guys missus. After all he has had an affair with the OPs wife IN FULL KNOWLEDGE that she is married. Make this hurt him. I know it will effect the cheaters wife also but she deserves to find out, how she deals with it is her business.

aidan24326

Ham Sambo wrote: »

I wonder if this other guy knows that his cover is blown? and if so would he be worried if his wife and family knew about his affair?? I would say he would be a little worried this evening, every time his house phone rings etc etc, if I was in your situation now I would give his wife a quick bell and give her the heads up, why should he get away without any pain or suffering.

OP, I would urge you to ignore this advice.

Getting this guy's wife involved at this stage will achieve nothing. Their marriage is what it is, and not your concern ultimately. What matters to you is your own marriage and whether it's salvageable or not.

Your wife's attitude doesn't bode well but I'd suggest she needs a shock to the system here, a proper realisation that the marriage is in serious jeopardy and that you will walk if it comes to that. And don't be afraid to say so.

It IS possible to get past something like this but only if that's what you both want, and I think the key issue here is whether your wife is willing to put the effort in and whether it's what she really wants. If it is then your marriage can and most likely will be saved but if deep down she doesn't really want that anymore then you know where that leads.

CaraMay

Btw how did you find out? Did she tell you?

Bonjio

OP kick her out of the house. She's scum, get rid of her. The fact she's still going to that work event is the nail in the coffin. She should be concerned about not looking bad to you, not work.

Flippyfloppy

In my opinion, the OP telling work colleagues wife may cause said colleague and cheating wife to unite once again, getting their story straight

^ terrible advice deleted ^ #what was I thinking#

Czarcasm

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

In my opinion, the OP telling work colleagues wife may cause said colleague and cheating wife to unite once again, getting their story straight etc.

If you want to be cunning how about laying the pressure on by saying you'll tell the wife. Work colleague will not be happy anymore when he realised his family life is at threat, and will probably cause mayhem in cheating paradise.

I wouldn't encourage the OP to try to be cunning or deceptive when he's looking for honesty and openess from his wife at the same time.

Ruining someone else's relationship is not the way to go about fixing your own OP. I wouldn't even go near the other guys wife or attempt to make contact with her. Their relationship is not your concern, and chances are if you do go about this, you risk your wife disengaging with the process of recovering your marriage.

The other guys wife will find out in her own time, if she's not turning a blind eye to his behaviour already, and it's not going to serve you any advantage to hurt her just because you're hurting. Their relationship has no bearing on your relationship, your only concern is yours and your wife's behaviour that has led you to this point.

Maura74

OP that is a terrible situation to be in…. If your wife is not prepared to give up her extramarital activities because she want to attend the overnight event with colleagues you should start doing your own thing, such as going out whenever you want to (and finding a babysitter for the night she is going to be away with colleagues and see how she will cope with that) …It seems that she is entirely self-centered and not prepared to consider you. She took vows to be faithful and obviously broken that pledge and must be prepared to take responsibility for it.

OP despite children needing both parents it will not have such a negative effect on your two year old if you both cannot salvage the marriage, your wife seems not prepared to recognise that partnerships is about give and take, she is obviously doing all the taking and you appear to be doing all the giving, which is not good for you OP. It time that you put your foot down and not let it continue any longer for sake of your 2 year old child and your own self esteem.

Bub.W

Thanks for all the advice.

I have no intention of telling the other wife. I have no reason to hurt her and its not my place to interfere in her marriage.

LegacyUser

I'd stop posting on a forum and call your solicitor. Regardless of how hard she had to work to get where she is professionally, she should be willing to work more for her marriage. And if the job comes before her family, I'd be making preparations to end it.

DesperateDan

Ah everyone deserves one chance. Humans make stupid decisions all the time, in my opinion everyone deserves one almighty cock-up. Especially when there's a young family at stake.

If she ever does it again though that's when you don't hesitate in your actions.

Good luck OP.

Baked.noodle

I know your family is at stake but the truth is she's the one who said I don't care I want someone else. That's where her head is at. She probably has by now developed strong feelings for this man and if she goes back to you it will be for her own convenience. She has betrayed both you and your child and jeopardized everything. Frankly, I just don't see a happy ending and I think you need to base your decisions on what is best for the child. I would ask her what she wants? Let her tell you what she wants. If she wants to save the family (and I mean really adamantly truly begs) tell her she has one last chance. This is only to exhaust all possibilities. No regrets. Tell her to explain what she thinks she must do to fix this as best she can. Then tell her your terms. If she doesn't give an appropriate response (begging) leave her. If she isn't 100 percent repentant and constructive then lose her, for good. The truth as far as I'm concerned is if you can't trust her it isn't worth it. By the way, include equal house chores in your terms. It's civilised.

redbaron_99

I would demand that she look for another job, although that is difficult in these times. I think if I was in your shoes, I would find it almost impossible to trust her again. Every time she has to work late I'd be thinking is she up to something. Not a good situation at all. Very selfish of her. Stay strong, friend.

Toots

What size is the company she's in? Would it be possible for her to transfer to another department or something so there's a bit of distance between her and this guy? TBH to me it speaks volumes that she's willing to go to this overnight thing despite your objections. What you're asking isn't unreasonable, especially seeing as it's a work thing and this guy will be there. I know jobs are hard to come by these days, but if I were in your shoes I'd be insisting she either transfer or find another job. It would drive me crazy knowing she was in there with that guy every day, and in fairness she's already broken your trust once, and her attitude so far doesn't inspire confidence that it won't happen again.

Re: the counselling, yes it would be a good idea, but not as a couple straight away. First of all I'd recommend you go on your own for a while to help get your head on straight and try and process your feelings on what happened. When it's not all so raw and you've both had a chance to think about what you want, and hope to get from counselling, then it's time to find a good couples counsellor. Your GP would probably be able to recommend someone. I'm seeing an excellent counsellor who my GP recommended, however I see you're in the Fingal area, so she'd be very out of your way. Remember to take your time with this and don't let your wife push you into anything. This is her fault so she can't just try to shunt you in to a few counselling sessions and then say "oh well I did my bit to fix things".

Sleepless and Manic

If I was the other guys wife and I later learned that all this had been going on behind my back and nobody had bothered to tell me because they didnt consider it their place to do so, I think i'd blame them almost as much as my wayward husband.

There are four adults involved in this and I think they all need to be aware of whats going on, talk it out amongst themselves truthfully and honestly. Which means all of them being aware. I would be very sorry for the other guys wife's feelings but she needs to know. What if she suspects? What if she is being tortured by doubt right now? Maybe she's in therapy?

It just seems selfish to take care of ones own issues, recognizing the hurt that all of this causes, but then letting this woman possibly suffer on.

What if she came to you in a years time and said she'd discovered her husband was having an affair with your wife? Would you tell her you knew all along or would you lie?

I could be wrong though, i'm open to having my mind changed.

LegacyUser

Generally when a relationship hits a hard place, the two main options tend to be the following:

1. Disolve the relationship and try to move on as amicably as possible.

2. If you feel there is something to salvage, see a professional couples/marriage counsellor.

Before you decide this, I would weigh these options with yourself and see which you prefer while also asking your partner.

At the end of the day, there is a choice to be made here.

aidan24326

Sleepless and Manic wrote: »

If I was the other guys wife and I later learned that all this had been going on behind my back and nobody had bothered to tell me because they didnt consider it their place to do so, I think i'd blame them almost as much as my wayward husband.

There are four adults involved in this and I think they all need to be aware of whats going on, talk it out amongst themselves truthfully and honestly. Which means all of them being aware. I would be very sorry for the other guys wife's feelings but she needs to know. What if she suspects? What if she is being tortured by doubt right now? Maybe she's in therapy?

It just seems selfish to take care of ones own issues, recognizing the hurt that all of this causes, but then letting this woman possibly suffer on.

What if she came to you in a years time and said she'd discovered her husband was having an affair with your wife? Would you tell her you knew all along or would you lie?

I could be wrong though, i'm open to having my mind changed.

While I respect what you're saying, I think how most people see it (myself included) is that it's wiser not to interfere, that something good rarely comes from that.

If their marriage is in the weeds let them work that out for themselves, if he's a philandering cad she'll find out soon enough if she isn't onto him already. Telling her may seem the noble and morally correct thing to do but in practise it hardly ever works like that and you're just getting yourself involved in another potential sh1tstorm when you have enough on your plate already with trying to salvage your own marriage.

CaraMay

The wife might only find out that he is a philanderer by catching a sti from him. It's not fair leaving her in the dark.

h2005

Can't wrap my head around how anyone who has any interest in saving a marriage would go to an overnight event where the person who she is having the affair with will be. I'd be getting on to my solicitor op and seeing what my options are.

daRobot

You need to leave your wife.

Sounds like you've being taken for a fool, and are being kept around for the benefits you can bring her career wise, looking after your child etc.

It sounds like the only thing she's remorseful for is the fact she got caught, having had the audacity to blame you, and having made no concessions regarding her job and an overnight stay.

Unfortunately, it's pretty clear from what you've written that your feelings towards her are not reciprocated. Of course that hurts, and the whole situation is rocking your world, and how you thought your life it would play out, but you've got to be brave and prepare to start a new chapter.

Sleepless and Manic

aidan24326 wrote: »

While I respect what you're saying, I think how most people see it (myself included) is that it's wiser not to interfere, that something good rarely comes from that.

If their marriage is in the weeds let them work that out for themselves, if he's a philandering cad she'll find out soon enough if she isn't onto him already. Telling her may seem the noble and morally correct thing to do but in practise it hardly ever works like that and you're just getting yourself involved in another potential sh1tstorm when you have enough on your plate already with trying to salvage your own marriage.

I understand the logic of wanting to avoid further turbulence.

But its not a "good" situation already so worrying that nothing good would come from it doesnt seem a good reason to keep this major issue secret from her. And what would this further "sh*tstorm" look like? Probably never hear from them again. Not telling her is continuing to play their game.

It would also solve this nonsense of the wife heading off with the other guy on a business trip.

It sounds like a good time for Clarity amongst the four players in this tragedy and it doesnt seem like interference.

(Replying with respect, I dont mean to sound overly argumentative! )

Red Crow

Just from what you have given us here I'm just going to say that I think you're in an extremely difficult place. You probably know that you should break up with her and move on but you love this person so much and you can't get you head around why someone you thought you loved would do such a horrible thing to you and start a sexual relationship with someone else.

It must be very confusing but you need to start what's doing right for you. She's blaiming the affair on you somewhat. What's to stop the next affair? What has really changed in your relationship in the last week other than the fact that you know that she's cheating? Very little I'd imagine. As someone has alluded to already, cheaters get an inflated sense of ego and she knows that you're in a vulnerable state right now. She probably thinks that she can just move onto the next guy with the click of a finger... You need to deal with this properly for you to move on.

I don't think there is any way back from an affair personally. Was she thinking about you when she was with this man? Was she thinking of your child? Your future? No! For me working in the same job as this guy is untenable. You need to ask yourself what's to stop her from going off with someone else?

I think you're being very weak OP. I'm glad that you haven't overreacted but I get the sense that you've under reacted. If you decide to stay with your wife then she needs to offer a lot more than an apology for your relationship to successfully move forward.


I really feel for you OP.