ex still hanging around with my friends

LegacyUser

I broke up with my ex about 2 years ago. He continues to hang around with friends who he only knows through me. I would have thought that when the relationship ended he would hang around with his own friends and leave things at that. I certainly wouldn't have kept in contact with any of his friends.
Now he is going out with someone and continues to to hang around with my friends which means if we are ever all out together it's a bit awkward. I have tried to be pleasant to his girlfriend but she's just been rude and ignored me and made things uncomfortable for everyone else any occasion we've all been out.

Anyway a friend is getting married in a few weeks and she told me that my ex and girlfriend have been invited and she just wanted to let me know as she knows it might be a bit awkward. I'm a bit annoyed to be honest that my supposed friends keep inviting my ex to things even though they are aware how I feel about the situation.
Now I'm not sure whether to go to the wedding or not?
Is it a bit petty to not go because my ex will be there with the girlfriend?

Tokyo

I think you are being a bit unfair on your ex, and your friends TBH...

Friendship is a two way street - you are looking at it from one side only. You're angry that he didn't turn his back on the friendships that he made while with you, you're forgetting that they all became friend with him too, and that's something you don't really have a monopoly over. It's awkward to you now because you broke up, but had you not broken up you would have been delighted that he liked your friends, and would probably have even encouraged it?

Him being friends with your friends doesn't really affect you at the end of the day - he's not doing it just to get at you. And while you might not like it, the adult thing to do is just to be civil on the very few occasions that you have to cross paths. Sure, you can choose not to go to the wedding, but it seems like a childish response to me, and if you don't go, the only one losing out will be you....

December2012

You don't own your friends. Maybe he became friends with them during your relationship?

LegacyUser

So you think it's appropriate that his GF behaves the way she does and makes things uncomfortable for everyone? That's more the issue TBH.

He's getting on with his life and that's fine. But do I have to have my nose rubbed in it at every occasion? Unfortuantely it's a group of friends I've known a very long time so paths cross often. I just wouldn't have expected my ex to continue tagging along.
Everyone is aware of the awkwardness it has created which is why I guess the friend getting married specifically mentioned it.
This group of friends wouldn't be friendly with anyone else in the group's exes so why mine?
And we certainly wouldn't have continued to hang around with them after they broke up.

While I'd love to go to the wedding and I'd certainly go if he wasn't going, if it's going to be awkward and I'm going to have sh** time on account of the above i'd have though it reasonable enough to not go. Or mention it to the ex and see if he won't go.

Stavro Mueller

Think this through for a minute. If you don't go to this wedding, does that mean that you're also not going to go to any other friend's wedding if he's invited? Seriously, unless your friend decides to plonk you and him at the same table I don't see the issue. You don't have to sit near him for the ceremony. I assume the reception's going to be held in a hotel - again you're talking a spacious venue where you can move around and not have to hang around with him. Besides, I doubt his girlfriend's going to want to be near you for long so you might not be seeing them as much as you fear you will.

Big Bag of Chips

His gf is his business, unfortunately. It seems he is now friends with the group. People mightn't like his gf, but they do like him. Your friends have become his friends over time. It's been 2 years, so surely you should be used to the setup by now. Not liking his gf isn't reason enough to expect your friends to get rid of him from your group.

All you can do is keep your distance from his gf. You don't have to be buddies with her. You don't even have to interact with her. You'd be surprised how easy it is to ignore someone in a group, even if you are all sitting at the same table! Be civil, but distant in any dealings you have to have with her. If she is making things difficult for the group, then they don't need you adding to it too!

Seriously though, it's been 2 years. It doesn't look like he's going anywhere. It's time to come up with a strategy to deal with group situations... or find new friends.

Tokyo

Maybe it's the wording of your post, but you come across as quite bitter about the whole situation, so here is the long and the short of it.

It's not your day. It's not your ex's day. It's not your ex's girlfriend's day.

It's your friend's wedding day!

And your friend is entitled to invite pretty much anybody they want to their wedding, to share with them what I would imagine to be the happiest day of their lives. Right now you are making this about you, how aggrieved you feel, and how you feel that you are going to have a "sh** time on account of the above". Why are you so concerned about your ex?? You should be happy for your friend and want to share the day with them regardless of who is going!

Try and get your ex not to go, and you are effectively trying to monopolise who your friend invites to their wedding. Decide not to go, and you are punishing your friend because she invited your ex too. Or you could act like an adult, and go, and not turn the molehill into a mountain. Your choice.

Stavro Mueller

anonymous 1234 wrote: »

So you think it's appropriate that his GF behaves the way she does and makes things uncomfortable for everyone? That's more the issue TBH.

You don't get to have a say in how anyone else behaves I'm afraid. Maybe your friends don't like her either but what can they do? Tell your ex to leave her at home?

He's getting on with his life and that's fine. But do I have to have my nose rubbed in it at every occasion? Unfortunately it's a group of friends I've known a very long time so paths cross often. I just wouldn't have expected my ex to continue tagging along.

What you would do or what you expect other people to do doesn't always coincide with real life. It so happens that in this case your ex has chosen to stay friends with the people he met and liked during your relationship. They obviously like him too. I don't believe it's a case of anyone wanting to rub anyone's nose in it.

Everyone is aware of the awkwardness it has created which is why I guess the friend getting married specifically mentioned it.
This group of friends wouldn't be friendly with anyone else in the group's exes so why mine?
And we certainly wouldn't have continued to hang around with them after they broke up.

I'm sure your friend felt like she was in a horribly awkward position too. She likes your ex enough to invite him to her wedding and of course if that happens, his girlfriend will be the +1. I doubt your friends are staying in touch with your ex out of spite. Maybe they were hoping you'd get over this split and remain somewhat civil.

While I'd love to go to the wedding and I'd certainly go if he wasn't going, if it's going to be awkward and I'm going to have sh** time on account of the above i'd have though it reasonable enough to not go. Or mention it to the ex and see if he won't go.

You're only going to have a sh*t time if you allow it to. Why are you letting your ex's girlfriend (who I suspect is getting under your skin in a far bigger way than he is) get to you like this? It does make me wonder if you really are over this break up?

Meauldsegosha

OP you broke up with him two years ago if your friends didn't want him tagging along with them surely they would have said something by now. And if his girlfriend was making the group uncomfortable and awkward, again wouldn't someone have said something about it? Are all your friends are passive people who don't speak their minds?

I think you need to read between the lines OP maybe you are the one who is making things awkward because you are still bothered by your ex after two years.

LegacyUser

Hate to break it to you OP but he's not tagging along with your friends, they are his friends. It doesn't matter that he met them via you the fact is even though you are no longer a couple they have all remained friends. Seriously why would they still be hanging out with him if they didn't like him? And why has it taken you 2 years to take issue with it? Maybe right after the breakup you maybe might have got away with asking them not to include him in your group but 2 years later? No chance. I assume it's all down to the new GF, I get that your annoyed as you see it as they were your friends first but you need to accept they are his friends and there's no preference for who was there first. You need to stop viewing him as your ex and instead as part of your circle of friends. If it was one of your friends whose GF was acting like this around you what would you do? You'd either speak to the friend or the GF. Though the fact that your friend invited them to her wedding first and then invited you and warned you makes me question if your friends feel the issue is more on your side then hers? Unless of course she gave them the same warning.

Starokan

Friendship is not measurable by who knows each other the longest, clearly your group are perfectly fine with him being part of the gang so to speak. Its two years on now, your friends are his friends too and it would be pretty rough on him if they were to drop him.

Having said that I feel for you if its an awkward situation. If its getting to you that much as hard as it may be it may be time to cultivate new friends. Personally I would go to the wedding, there is a time to take a stand in any situation but your friends wedding is not one of them.

JuliusCaesar

It's TWO years since you broke up. It seems you are the one causing the awkwardness by not having got over it in that time. Stop holding on to him. It's over.

Merkin

I'm assuming the breakup was instigated by him OP as you seem to have held on to a lot of anger towards him and now to his new girlfriend as well. Two years is a long time, he has moved on and so should you.

It seems like he forged some good friendships within the same circle of friends as you and by all accounts it looks like he is going to be there for the foreseeable. They are his friends too.

To snub a dear friend's wedding because of sour grapes would be very sad indeed and you ultimately will be the one to suffer - you'll miss out on the wedding and hurt your friend in the process.

Let it go.

dark crystal

I can actually understand where the OP is coming from here. I think it's more a case of they were her friends first, but the ex still hanging around makes it quite awkward for her, so perhaps they should understand this and take her feelings more into account, seeing as she was their friend before this fella ever came into the picture. In fairness, I'm not sure how many of us would be ok with our ex and their new partner hanging around after a break-up either!

OP, I would definitely go to the wedding, but make it clear to your friend that you'd prefer to be seated at a distance to your ex and his girlfriend as it makes you uncomfortable being around them, as the girlfriend is quite cold and unfriendly with you. I don't think you're being petty at all and your friends really should empathise with your situation a little more, imo.

Could you perhaps bring a date yourself?

Neyite

It looks to me like he got 'custody' of the mutual friends in the break up and the last person to realise that is you. I'm sorry OP, it looks like they value his friendship more.

You may have been their friend first, but now he is their preferred friend. If you were, they would have worked out the invites in a way that ensured you would come.

As it stands, I think this wedding invite is telling you a lot if you read between the lines. It is telling you that you need to get over the ex being in the group, that you are the one who is perceived to be causing the awkwardness on nights out, or leave the group.

username123

Wow, I'm pretty shocked at some responses here. They were the OPs friends and he only met them through her. Throughout a variety of different friendship groups I am not aware of any situation where an ex remained a part of the group after a split with the original friend. What about loyalty to your friends?

In this case OP I am inclined to say that bizarrely, they're not your friends, they're his friends. I don't know how that same to be but in your shoes I'd be getting some new friends, people who actually care about YOU and have a notion of loyalty. I would certainly leave the group. Why stay, they're not your friends?

LegacyUser

dark crystal wrote: »

I can actually understand where the OP is coming from here. I think it's more a case of they were her friends first, but the ex still hanging around makes it quite awkward for her, so perhaps they should understand this and take her feelings more into account, seeing as she was their friend before this fella ever came into the picture. In fairness, I'm not sure how many of us would be ok with our ex and their new partner hanging around after a break-up either!

I could understand sort of as well if they had just broken up but it's been 2 years! The point for the OP to talk to her friends about the situation unfortunately has passed. People keep using the term hanging around like the ex just happens to show up at the same places rather then being invited as part of the group, hell they've been invited to a wedding. As for who was friends with who first well I guess that comes down to each person but I certainly don't rank friends by who I've known the longest. If a breakup is nasty then it's very hard for those around the couple to remain friends with both parties but as they've been spending time together as a group for 2 years post break up I would assume it wasn't a messy breakup.

I've several very good friends that I only know because they once dated other friends of mine and the flip side several 'friends' I tolerate because they are currently dating a friend, works both ways. It's not so easy to cut people when you've become friends with them as an individual. A lot of friends when they are dating become a couple ie you only ever spend time with them when they are with your friend and you don't see them as a friend but rather an extension of your friend so when they break up that person just goes away but sometimes you can make good friends and it's not so easy when they break up to just dump them. It is like being kids in a divorce sometimes. I guess I've been lucky in that majority of my friends had very mutual breakups and had no issue spending time together with the larger group of friends.

The OP needs to accept that after so much time passing these friends are now also just as equally the ex's friends. If she tires pushing them to drop him by refusing to attend the wedding she may find the action backfiring and herself being cut out. By all means try and talk to the ex and gf OP or ask a friend to mediate to make things work for everyone but if you do down the you were my friends first and I'm going to throw a strop till I get my way route you may find yourself looking for new friends.

Big Bag of Chips

anonymous 1234 wrote: »

I broke up with my ex about 2 years ago. He continues to hang around with friends who he only knows through me....

Now he is going out with someone and continues to to hang around with my friends....

How recent is the gf? As has been mentioned - it's been 2 years, and if it wasn't really an issue for you over those 2 years (issue enough for you to bring it up with your friends that you were uncomfortable) then you can't make an issue of it now, just because "now he is going out with someone".

LegacyUser

username123 wrote: »

Wow, I'm pretty shocked at some responses here. They were the OPs friends and he only met them through her. Throughout a variety of different friendship groups I am not aware of any situation where an ex remained a part of the group after a split with the original friend. What about loyalty to your friends?

So if you had been spending time with someone for years but only originally knew them because they were dating a friend and they broke up you feel you should just dump them to show loyalty to a friend? Sorry but I'm a grown up not someone in the playground. Unless the breakup was the result of someone being a total dick and in which case why would I want to stay friends with them I wouldn't be inclined to just stop speaking/seeing someone as a result of a break up. Two very good friends use to date actually they didn't just date, they lived together and owned a business together for over 8 years. The guy lets call him John was a really good friend for years before he started dating Mary. Myself and Mary got on like a house on fire, we shared similar interests and joined a sports club together and took cooking classes, knitting etc etc. I also spent time with John like I did before they started dating and they came out together as a couple with our larger group of friends, the majority of whom were friends with John first. One day they realized they were just going through the motions and were no longer happy together so split up, closed their business and moved on. I did speak to both of them separately explaining that while I would be there to support them I considered them both friends and did not want to play piggie in the middle. Did John expect me to ignore Mary at the gym or my cooking classes just to prove my loyalty to him? Nope, and Mary was the same, we all had a grown up talk and I'm still close to both and had both at my wedding with their new partners no issue. Maybe it's an age thing, the OP sounds young and still with that schoolyard mentality of friends but as I'm heading towards 40 now I find my friendships tend to be less cookie cutter in being able to just cut someone out.

Matteroffact

I would take a leaf out of the ex's book OP. He is going to the wedding whether you are there or not.

username123

cant log in wrote: »

So if you had been spending time with someone for years but only originally knew them because they were dating a friend and they broke up you feel you should just dump them to show loyalty to a friend? Sorry but I'm a grown up not someone in the playground.

Sorry, but I find this offensive, I am as entitled to my opinion as you are. Incidentally I am past 40 myself.

Perhaps my friendship groups are tighter, it would be highly unlikely that a partner of a friend would develop separate friendships with the group anyway. Any instance I know of someone breaking up, divorcing etc... the ex has always been the one who no longer hangs with the group. It would just be weird imo if they thought that that was ok. I see my husbands friends, but only because they are his friends, I would never ever consider maintaining a friendship with them that is beyond my relationship with him. Does the OPs ex not have his own friends that he could hang out with?

Tokyo

Ok guys, rein it in a bit please. Mature and constructive advice for the OP....

thanks,
Mike

freshpopcorn

cant log in wrote: »

So if you had been spending time with someone for years but only originally knew them because they were dating a friend and they broke up you feel you should just dump them to show loyalty to a friend? Sorry but I'm a grown up not someone in the playground. Unless the breakup was the result of someone being a total dick and in which case why would I want to stay friends with them I wouldn't be inclined to just stop speaking/seeing someone as a result of a break up. Two very good friends use to date actually they didn't just date, they lived together and owned a business together for over 8 years. The guy lets call him John was a really good friend for years before he started dating Mary. Myself and Mary got on like a house on fire, we shared similar interests and joined a sports club together and took cooking classes, knitting etc etc. I also spent time with John like I did before they started dating and they came out together as a couple with our larger group of friends, the majority of whom were friends with John first. One day they realized they were just going through the motions and were no longer happy together so split up, closed their business and moved on. I did speak to both of them separately explaining that while I would be there to support them I considered them both friends and did not want to play piggie in the middle. Did John expect me to ignore Mary at the gym or my cooking classes just to prove my loyalty to him? Nope, and Mary was the same, we all had a grown up talk and I'm still close to both and had both at my wedding with their new partners no issue. Maybe it's an age thing, the OP sounds young and still with that schoolyard mentality of friends but as I'm heading towards 40 now I find my friendships tend to be less cookie cutter in being able to just cut someone out.

I really agree with this the OP needs to grow up( I mean that its the mature thing to do,not a dig at you)and accept that her ex now shares the same friends as her. He might even get on better with some of them than the the OP does.
Also OP you do know if that your friends are free to be friends who ever they want, you can't really make them choose between you and him.

Fentdog84

username123 wrote: »

Sorry, but I find this offensive, I am as entitled to my opinion as you are. Incidentally I am past 40 myself.

Perhaps my friendship groups are tighter, it would be highly unlikely that a partner of a friend would develop separate friendships with the group anyway. Any instance I know of someone breaking up, divorcing etc... the ex has always been the one who no longer hangs with the group. It would just be weird imo if they thought that that was ok. I see my husbands friends, but only because they are his friends, I would never ever consider maintaining a friendship with them that is beyond my relationship with him. Does the OPs ex not have his own friends that he could hang out with?

we dont know what the dynamic of this social circle is..woulds some of them work together..are they all living in a small town/community where they would be bumping into each other often anyway..do they share common interests/hobbies.. its a bit control freakish from the op to expect that all her friends drop/ignore her ex on her say so.unless he is clearly going far out of his way doing this to annoy her, she's going to have to either soak it up or else move on from her friends completely. when you break up with someone it isnt always possible that you can remove them completely from your life..circumstances such as working together, having children together, mutual friends, neighbours and even living together(sharing a house) can dictate otherwise.

December2012

We were all buddies in a group, boyfriends and girlfriends became friends with us all. New friends were introduced previously known to other friends.

Whenever there was a breakup the parties involved made an effort both verbally and in reality that the friends would not be put in a position to choose.

And they are the people who we have stayed friends with (not for this reason, but probably because these people were mature). The ex partners who put friends in the position of awkwardness ended up being the ones who didn't end up staying friends with us.

Humria

OP, I understand where you are coming from but I think you'll hugely regret it if you don't go to the wedding. At the moment you have done absolutely nothing wrong but it will make the issue of your ex hanging around much more difficult to deal with if you don't go because then there will be so much bad feeling.

Personally, I've got to know some of my male friend's ex's while they going out. Some of them are lovely women but I'd never consider inviting them out if my friend (i.e. their ex) was there. It would be really awkward and when it comes down to it I'm going to support my friends.

Tbh, by continuing to invite him out they put his needs over yours and that is not nice. I'd have a frank discussion with your friends individually. Ask them why they continued to invite him out, ask them how they would feel if you invited their ex and explain how awkward it makes you feel. If your friends don't offer any explanation or apology I'd seriously question the friendship.

Mikros

Your ex is not just hanging around - your friends obviously count him as one of their own friends now. Considering it has been 2 years since your break up and he is getting invitations to weddings it sounds pretty clear he is one of the group now. You really need to accept that as this stage and work from there. Basically that leaves you with 2 choices - move on from your past relationship or start looking for new friends. You don't have to become best buddies with your ex new girlfriend but you can be civil.

To be honest it does sound like a lot of the issues are coming from a bit of bitterness on your behalf. The time when you could have made an issue of this with your friends is long gone I'm afraid. If you were to kick up a fuss now with the wedding you will come across as the problem, not your ex.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the comments, some quite harsh!

Perhaps I wasn’t total clear originally. Firstly I broke up with him. I would be civil towards him and I would speak to him if I met him or on nights out. The awkwardness has come about firstly when they started going out, he brought her out one night and never bothered to introduce her to me, which in a group of 10 people or so is quite rude. And then at no point from there has he introduced me to her so I guess I’m just supposed to say nothing.

So after a few awkward encounters on nights out, I decided to introduce myself to her and she just walked off. Again quite rude. So I mentioned it to my ex again and said maybe next time introduce me to her and things might be less uncomfortable for everyone but still nothing..
In terms of the awkwardness, I would say she is more uncomfortable than me as I know these people for years. However I do feel she is the one behaving like a child and being rude, clinging onto my ex in a pub (like teenagers might) and blatantly ignoring me.

I’ve made far more of an effort than either of them to normalise the situation. The awkwardness would be noticed by everyone – this was commented on by another friend of mine not in the group so it’s not something that I just perceive.

If my ex’s GF is not comfortable with me being around why bring her along or continue to tag along with my friends in the circumstances.
Yes he has his own friends and I’m sure she has her own that they can hang out with.

Like I said the part I have difficulty with is that they have created this situation, not me. So I feel uncomfortable around my friends now. Is that fair?

I’m not sure whether it’s been mentioned to them re: wedding and the only reason it was mentioned to me was because I met the girl getting married for a few drinks and obviously we were chatting about the wedding. I don’t think she has seen my ex in months so unlikely she would have said anything to him.

My general experience has been that if someone breaks up with someone, then we wouldn’t be in contact with the exes. And even in this group that has been the case mostly. It’s generally not something you specifically have to say as people usually have a bit of cop on But seems people’s experiences here are quite different.

But I do think that people are aware of my feelings on the subject matter and no, this is not something that has just arisen in the last while.

Mikros

anonymous 1234 wrote: »

Like I said the part I have difficulty with is that they have created this situation, not me. So I feel uncomfortable around my friends now. Is that fair?
....
My general experience has been that if someone breaks up with someone, then we wouldn’t be in contact with the exes. And even in this group that has been the case mostly. It’s generally not something you specifically have to say as people usually have a bit of cop on But seems people’s experiences here are quite different.

Probably wouldn't be the usual experience with exes and friends, but like it or not it seems to have worked out that way with your ex. I don't think it is fair on your friends to say they should have more cop on though, they are entitled to form other friendships of their own. They didn't choose to make a friend of your ex after you broke up, the friendship was formed when you were in a relationship. It was obviously strong enough to survive independent of that relationship.

From their perspective you are both friends - and the awkwardness is between you two and is not their creation. Two years is a long time to be carrying this along, this isn't a fresh break up. You really have to be the bigger person here - or else it will ultimately be a show down and either you or him will be leaving the group. Regardless of who it is, it will leave bad feelings afterwards.

Stavro Mueller

You can't control what other people do I'm afraid. For what it's worth, I do feel sympathy for you. Most of us would rather not have our exes in our lives like what has happened here. The bigger problem is the girlfriend though, isn't it? There's a good chance your friends don't care for her either but what can they do? Tell your ex to leave her at home?

As for why she insists on coming along, who knows? The clue may lie in the way she's clinging onto him in the pub. Either she's one of those clingy girlfriends whose life revolves around her boyfriend (I bet she has dropped her friends too ) or she's a bit paranoid. This might sound preposterous but maybe she hates you because she sees you as a threat? Anyway, enough of that. This gruesome twosome are here to stay and you can't control that one bit.

It might help if you stopped thinking in terms of fairness/unfairness. Your ex is part of this circle of friends whether you like it or not. The ghastly girlfriend is an unfortunate permanent fixture. You can't change either of these. Nor should you expect your friends to change things. They like your ex and consider him to be a friend. You're now left with two choices. Either you let this woman get to you and stop you from going to weddings and the likes. Or you accept that they're here to stay and you learn how to deal with them.

Engine No.9

Christ almighty, Op, are you like 5 yrs old or something. Mods, I apologise for my tone but this attitude of they were my friends first really makes my blood boil.

My brother is getting married later this year and I have 5 kids with my ex. We were together 10 years. I found out a few months ago that my ex wasn't even on the guest list. I went ballistic. Hang on a sec Bro, I said. Not least the fact that she's the mother of your nieces and nephews but ye had a pretty good friendship while we were together and in the 2 yrs since, are you for real??? His reply...... I was only thinking of you and how awkward it would be!

How is it gonna be awkward?? I'm a big boy. I'm able to look after myself.

I think you need to grow up OP and start lookin after yourself instead of worrying about how your ex is getting on with his life without you. Playground tactics belong exactly there and if you continue to throw your toys out of the pram you might not have too many friends left to pick them up for you.

Now that my rant is over I will say this, without his new gf in the picture you seem to have a fairly amicable relationship with your ex. Talk to him and tell him how the new gf makes you feel. If she's bein a constant bítch, he might see it and talk to her and hopefully it might peter out before the wedding, but under no circumstances suggest that he doesn't go, coz mark my words, that will make its way back to the group and you will alienate yourself a hell of a lot more than you already seem to have.

Big Bag of Chips

pajopearl you are as entitled to your opinion as anyone - but as per the Forum Charter can you please use the full word for "and" instead of N! We're pretty old fashioned around here, and still like to read full words!