Eating me up

Unhappyclown

I am a 32yr old male in a relationship with someone I love deeply.

I love her in spite of the fact she can explode with me very easily.

We both have dreams but she doesn't seem to plan for mine.


I know this is selfish of me but I don't know how I feel anymore. In the last year she has pushed me into paying full rent and bills and my wages are a dipping fund for her. I'm not on a lot of money but I am left borrowing to get to work for the week.

I know I love her but she makes me feel sad. She does love me but when it comes down to it her wants come before my needs.

I have had huge money issues with her down through the years borrowing large sums of money. Then saying she shouldn't need to pay back as this is a relationship and never does.

She currently has no outgoings because of me but I'm completely screwed. I'm up to my eyes in debt and can't pay back what I need to because of rent and bills.

If I bring this up it ends with her shouting at meacussing me of being selfish. She says I just have to suck it up till starts working full time again.

We have silly fights I need not say or do anything and she starts accusing me of stuff sulking screaming and demanding an apology for stuff that didn't happen.

I can get over the money thing to a point but I feel stressed and sad around her sometimes. I don't know what to do.

beano345

Id walk, you sound like her personal atm to be blunt.

Merkin

Oh dear, she is mugging you off. She isn't treating you with an ounce of love or respect, you need to cut your losses and leave the relationship, she's using you.

Sephiroth_dude

Doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me,I'd walk away if I were you.

Gmol

As someone says she is using you. Relationship s are about respect and putting you in debt to fund her life style is disrespectful.

coolbeans

Brutal honesty here. You're a doormat. Anyone with a healthy amount of self respect wouldn't let any of that happen. All of what you've described is totally unacceptable but you seem to have enabled it and created a monster in the process. Love is not made of this.

fallen01angel

Hi OP,

There is no way of putting this nicely,this is not a relationship.Your girlfriend is a manipulating bully who is using you for her own financial benefit.Has she ever worked?Is she actively looking for a job?To be honest I'm not sure why I am even asking these questions,because even if your answer is yes to both of them there is still absolutely no excuse for her unbelievably selfish behaviour.

And I am literally stunned by your comment about feeling selfish for not knowing how you feel about her anymore........is it no wonder!!
OP you really need to consider where you want this "relationship" to go......as far as I can see the only place it's heading for is you sinking further and further into debt.

Tokyo

OP, my answer may be biased here because I was in a similar situation to you about four years ago. Beautiful girl, love of my life, and I know that she loved me too, but like you, her wants came far before mine, and anytime I raised the issue, it became a major source of contention, and a guilt trip would ensue.

It took some time, but after other issues in the relationship brought things to a head, I left her, me carrying quite a bit of debt, even though it killed me to do so. And it was the right decision, even though there were days that I didn't see it at the time. She wasn't a *bad* person, she just hadn't a clue how to be in a relationship and treat a partner with equal respect. Sounds like you are in the same place.

StickyIcky

Honest opinion? You're a doormat and you need to man up, realise how pathetic you're being and walk away, do some serious soul searching and work on your self worth. Sorry to be so blunt and harsh but god good man, do you hear yourself?

Catphish

Unhappyclown wrote: »

She says I just have to suck it up till starts working full time again.

Were those her exact words?? I can understand tiffs between couples due to financial strain. You say you love her deeply, so I'm keeping that into account with my reply; tell her to lose her sense of entitlement or you'll have to spend time apart or finish completely, it is up to you which. You'd have to make sure she completely changes her tune if you picked things up with her again, she needs a serious shake up in her attitude.

In the meantime, if you've utility bills etc. coming at you that you cannot handle, I advise you to contact MABS. Her needs to not come before you or the bills, she needs to swallow a bottle of cop on.

cianocarroll

Yeah I agree with everyone else just go.

MugMugs

It's amazing what love can do. Some say it can make you blind.

You sound reasonable OP. If your best friend or any friend sat you down and told you what you've told us, what would be your advice to them?

I can pretty much guarantee that it would echo what every other poster here has said. Your other half is blatantly using you. Why do you think she explodes when you challenge her? I'd imagine it's because she knows damm well what she's doing and if she allows your confrontation to continue she may have to back off and lose her income.

Walk away op. It really doesn't seem like you have any other choice.

Pessimist

I sort of see this from another angle here to be honest. You don't sound like you even remember why you love her, rather you despise her. You have listed so many negative qualities about her, how badly she treats you and how she puts her wants above your needs etc. if she's such an awful person - leave.

Stop blaming her for everything. She's not forcing you to stay. At the end of the day, if you feel like she is treating you this badly, then walk away. If you stay, then that is your choice.

If you want to stay and make this relationship work, man up - stop playing the victim, put yourself first and try to spend quality time together. Sort your money issues out yourself - if you don't want to give her money - then don't.

I don't mean to sound harsh but if she is as awful as you are describing, then you should start sticking up for yourself or leave if she makes you so unhappy.

jellyboy

Hi op

to fully extract yourself from the relationship ,you might need help
i would suggest sitting and talking to somebody who knows and understand
what support you can get

theres http://amen.ie
they are worth a quick call

you might not see it as this ,but it reads like you are in an abusive relationship
And your not alone,its under reported but a lot of men can /will be abused
either ,mentally,psychically ,try not to feel alone ..

Loughc

Unhappyclown wrote: »

I know I love her but she makes me feel sad. She does love me but when it comes down to it her wants come before my needs.

I can get over the money thing to a point but I feel stressed and sad around her sometimes. I don't know what to do.

THIS. This says it all, if you find yourself stressed, watching what you say around her and feeling sad, this isn't for you.

A happy relationship is when you are both very comfortable in your surrounds with each other. Happy and at ease should be the words you used to describe it, not sad and stressed.

You need to get out of this relationship, trust me once you're out of it you'll see how unhappy you've been, there is someone out there who will make you very happy! Trust me!

Cork selfbuild

You need to knock this on the head ASAP... The stress will mount, the debt will get higher, before you know it, it will affect your future life too with credit rating etc...

You meet to write off this bad debt and start a fresh, she is using you and the attitude is unbelievable, a relationship is a team effort, 50/50... It will never work out in the long run of for much longer if it continues...

DukeOfTheSharp

That made me sad to read, and I'd like to be as nice as possible when I say: walk. Just walk. Leave her now. If she co-signed a lease with you, and isn't paying her half, I'm sure you can go after her for it. She's manipulative, spiteful, selfish and, let's face it, pure evil. You suffer and worry while she thrives, relationships are two-way streets and if it isn't right for you it shouldn't be right for her. Also, if she hasn't co-signed a lease, you can have someone come in and remove her, so there's that. Just leave or kick her out. You're being abused, used and that isn't love. I'm sorry friend, you've gotten into a bad situation and it'll hurt like hell, but getting her out of your life will make you happy in the long run.

Pinkmoon19

OP this really isn't right. She can't demand money from you. A relationship should be a partnership, its fine to have treats sometimes and to spoil your OH sometimes but it sounds like she's come to expect it. You sounds like a nice person who has been taken advantage of and I feel really sorry for you. I can understand your financial woes, I'm currently supporting my OH who hasn't been working for the last 6 months due to illness so I can understand how much strain money can put on you. If your OH is fit and healthy there is no reason why she shouldn't be working. I would start writing out all the "loans" she took and didn't pay back to try and make her see how excessive her behavior is. If she is serious about you and sees that she has hurt you she will pay you back. Maybe suggest setting up a direct debit going from her account to to yours, making weekly or monthly repayments of what she owes you. If she is not willing to do that or goes mental at you for even suggesting it I think you should cut your losses and walk away.

Unhappyclown

Thanks all,

I have brought this up with her many times and she turns it back on me.

Her name is on the lease not mine but I'm registered as a tenant here with the PRTB.

She has changed in the last few months, she's a lot more mellow with me because I'm paying but I can't bring up about money with her as she just screams at me. In arguments she tells silly lies like she has no money to eat, what do I expect from her. She pays this that stuff that are no way true. She has used the "I don't want to be in a relationship with..."

If she ever gets wind that I have spare money something always comes up. We need x,y,z.

Tokyo

By your own admission, she's nice to you at the moment because you are paying up. Otherwise she'd scream at you.

Does that not tell you something about the viability of this relationship?

Stavro Mueller

If one of your friends came to you and told you a story like yours, what advice would you give them? Honestly?

The sad truth about this "relationship" of yours is that this woman has broken you. Not just financially but emotionally. You say you love her but are you sure your head's not so messed at this stage that you can't see the wood from the trees.

I strongly suggest you have a chat to someone about this. Do you have any friends you can turn to? Family?

Cork selfbuild

Unhappyclown wrote: »

In arguments she tells silly lies like she has no money to eat, what do I expect from her. She pays this that stuff that are no way true. She has used the "I don't want to be in a relationship with..."

Be interesting to test that, tell her you have been given a pay cut in work and see if she does leave... But the whole relationship sounds like it just pivots around money, which IMO is extremely unhealthy and not viable in the long run...

Fentdog84

Well for starters id get a little savings account and make sure that some money goes into it each week/month when you get paid, where she cant get at it. Call it your 'get out money'. On the bigger issue its easy for us to tell you walk away but you are emotionally involved so you need to make some tough calls. have a serious chat with her and tell her things cant keep going the way they are going. You're broke and in debt and cant fund her lifestyle. beware though, Like all bullies she'll probably try to twist the blame onto you. If she's unwilling to recognise the problem or make any changes, id just pack up and leave. In fact, id just walk out without saying a word, dosent sound like she's even worth it.

BabysCoffee

The original post made me so sad. Walk away OP. If she loved you she wouldn't have you going in to debt for her.

Stavro Mueller

OP, if you don't do anything else, would you please take a look at the link I've pasted in here. It's for Amen http://www.amen.ie/q_and_a.html#1 Are any of these ringing bells for you? Not all domestic abuse is physical - sometimes emotional abuse does far more damage.

StickyIcky

All these people saying basically the same thing and yet it doesn't seem to be getting through. I know people close to me that have allowed themselves to be in these toxic abusive relationships and I don't understand how they allow it and how they can't see it or understand what's happening and put themselves in that situation. To me it's so easy. You're being used and abused and the only one who can stop it is you. Tell her to pay for herself. If she can't afford to feed herself then wtf is she doing with her life.