Am I wasting my 20s?

LegacyUser

My issue is difficult to explain but I'll give it a shot and hopefully someone can help. Basically, I have this idea that the average person of my age has a way more exciting life than me and it's getting me down. Specifically love life but kind of general life too. I'm 23 years of age yet I have only ever had one relationship (from 18-21). I'm not sure if it was because my confidence took such a hit when my ex dumped me - but I feel useless with women. I go out sometimes with a guy who has great confidence with girls, and I've no idea how he does it. I'm at this point where I can't even bring myself to talk to a girl who I find attractive. I've not actually been on a date in the 2 years I've been broken up with my ex, which by all accounts is pretty terrible. Especially considering that this age is supposed to be the time of your life. I've kissed a good few girls in that time, but dating is just something I haven't even been able to bring myself to do.

People have told me in the past that i'm a good looking guy, but I've had a few hurtful things said about my looks also - and the hurtful ones are the ones that stick in my head. I guess I just wish I could be like most people my age and date more girls. I dunno if this sounds sleazy - but I feel like I just would like a few brief flings with different girls with no complications. I reckon the average guy my age who would like to remain single, actually enjoys the single life and is constantly meeting new girls, going on dates etc etc. Like I've organized dates and stuff but then as it gets closer to the time I inevitably find myself backing out and looking for reasons not to do it. It's probably a confidence thing - but knowing what the issue is doesn't help. How do I actually get confidence and avoid not wasting my life on what might have been?

I guess I could apply the above to my general life also. I have suffered social anxiety since I was around 15 and am only getting better now. I was in denial about social anxiety until I gave up watching porn (I think I was using porn to deal with my issues). But my brain always resorts back to the thought "Think of where I'd be now socially, if I hadn't spent the last 8 years being afraid of being judged, afraid of talking in groups, nervous meeting new people". I still have the social anxiety to an extent and it obviously impacts on my life. I only have around 4-5 people I would classify as friends. 2 are in relationships so I rarely see them. But i feel like it's too late to make up for lost time. If 15-25 is meant to be the best time of your life, I have missed out on 5 or 6 years of fun and being social. Most people are at their most social in this period, and I have let it drift by. I've started to go to some meetup events and stuff but still it can be awkward. I've travelled a good bit last year. I've met some pretty cool people.

I guess i'm making an effort. But My weeks consist of working, coming home and being alone. Then weekends I go out Friday, never see anyone during Saturday daytime and then go out again on Saturday night sometimes. Sunday is invariably also spent alone. I can't help but feel that nearly everyone else my age has a way more exciting life than me. And a less lonely one.

Tokyo

You're 23. You've barely entered your twenties yet, let alone wasted them.

I think that you are focused far too much on the faraway fields that are green, whereas the truth is, most people's weeks also "consist of working, coming home and being alone", followed by a couple of nights out at the weekend. Not everybody spends their Saturday mornings base jumping, and night surrounded by supermodels - real life is often much more mundane than you think. I'm sorry that you have had a few bad experiences with women making hurtful comments, but if I"m to be honest, most men have had to deal with that once or twice in their lives. And I imagine that your ex has dented your confidence somewhat. Unfortunately getting hurt like that is all part of life, and it's a learning experience - all you can do is brush yourself off, and move on.

This topic has come up quite a few times, and I'll say the same thing that I always say - concentrate less on getting the girl, and more on your own personal happiness, and the rest will follow suit. If you feel that you have too much empty hours in the day, find something to fill them with. Consider evening courses, voluntary work, taking up a new sport, joining a gym - not only does it allow you to work on your own interests, but it also allows you to expand your social circle in a direction that matches you, your interests and personality. And if you are meeting girls out in social situations, stop measuring yourself up against what your friend is doing, and be yourself. You say that you have kissed a few girls in the past, so you're obviously doing something right, so why try to imitate someone else?

FunLover18

Hey OP, don't stress worry too much. I'm 23 also and I would say I'm in a worse position than you are; no job, live with the parents, never has a serious relationship. But the way I look at it is that I'm only 23. No one decides what the best years of your life are but you.

osarusan

mike_ie wrote: »

This topic has come up quite a few times, and I'll say the same thing that I always say - concentrate less on getting the girl, and more on your own personal happiness, and the rest will follow suit.

This is crucial I think. Looking at doing something different only in terms of how it will help you find a girl isn't the right way to look at it. Do it for its own sake.

Choose something that you are interested in, and join a club or circle of people with the same interests. You'll be involved with something you enjoy, meeting new people, and hopefully your social anxiety will be alleviated to a certain degree.

You sound a lot like me in my early 20's at university. I was the most useless mumbler when it came to talking to girls in a pub or a club. I mean useless. Because i had this mental block about where I was, and what the social situation demanded of me (to be witty, charming, etc) and what the girl expected of me, and just folded under the pressure, to the point I just didn't bother even approaching them. I mean, what was the point?

So I got involved in a book club thing where people talked about books they'd read. I also got involved in boxing (which I had experience of before) and did a bit of training with the university team. it was waaaaay more relaxed, so I didn't feel awkward because it wasn't about meeting people, it was about doing something I really enjoyed. I ended up making new friends, meeting friends of friends, going out with them in groups, and having a good time.

You seem to have free time on Saturday and Sunday. Where you live, are there any clubs/circles things you could get involved in? New sports you could try?