Depressed partner, I can't cope

LegacyUser

Hi,

This is going to be long so thanks in advance for anyone who takes the time to read it all.

I'm in a situation where I don't know what to do. I've been with my partner for almost 9 years, the first 4 long distance while I was in college and living together since. In the early days we used to argue a lot due to the stress of the LDR but things were better in the past few years.

I have a much better paying job so I foot most of the bills. I don't mind doing it for the most part but we've had arguments over how little he contributes, he always has money for weed but would never think of giving me anything unless I ask for it. He smokes almost every night and I hate it. Money causes a massive strain, if I want to book us a weekend trip away there will always be a fight somewhere about him being emasculated, it's exhausting. At the moment he's looking into a phd and working in a friends shop.

He's let me down a few times over the past year in a big way, missing family events, showing up late to a wedding, I had a friend visit and he punched a friend of hers for no reason on a night out.

I'm concerned he has depression because for the last year he has days where he shuts down, won't speak, won't move off the couch, sleeps all day, stays on the couch at night instead of coming to bed. He's very angry if I try to draw him out or ask what's wrong. When these bouts are over he seems happy go lucky and still won't talk about it or the possibility of depression. He's in one of these bouts at the moment, all laughs Friday night, then he got up before me yesterday morning, I heard him smashing a glass in the kitchen and that's been it since. He's still like that today and won't utter a word to me.

He has a lot of faults but he can be very kind to me and I do love him, although not as much as I used to. I don't think about marrying him or having kids like I used to because I know I couldn't do it unless something changes. I'm really exhausted from it all and I want to help him but I feel I can't cope myself. We live in his hometown and I have no friends here that aren't girlfriends of his friends, so I can't talk to them about it. I never feel able to talk to my own family and friends about him because I don't want them not to like him, I don't know why. So I'm stuck. I've spent my entire weekend alone with someone who is acting so dark I can't even sit in the same room as him. I have nowhere to go to get away from him. I'm 27 and all this pressure and stress makes me feel about 45, I honestly don't know what to do anymore. Please help me

maria34

Can you tell me why you are with him? Whats the positive? Reading your post made me stressed already so dont know how bad it could be for you?

Does he call you names? Makes you down ?

Stavro Mueller

What jumped out at me was his regular use of weed. If he's using it as regularly as you say it is, it could be causing him problems. It's known that regular pot smoking can cause depression, lack of motivation etc.

Having said all that, if the guy's unwilling to change his ways, seek help or stop smoking you may have a decision to make. You are still a young woman and you have been with this guy since you were a teenager. Maybe this has run its course and you're different people now. Whatever decision you make, don't stay with this guy for fear of being alone or because you've been with him all your adult life.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for the responses, it's so good to talk about this

He doesn't call me names and usually doesn't get me down, this behaviour aside, which kills me. I suppose I'm with him for a variety of reasons, when he's in good form we have fun and we're quite similar in terms of sense of humour etc. I hear what you're saying about not being afraid to go just because we've been together so long, but on the flipside I'm so afraid to throw away 9 years of a relationship if it could be salvaged.

The weed is definitely a big thing but it's a touchy subject with him, he knows my feeling on it and cuts down every now and again but it always creeps back to a nightly habit. It definitely affects his motivation, he knows this himself, when he cuts it out he's like Tigger with the energy he has. It's such a change.

I worry too about how reluctant I am to talk to any of my family and friends about it, I'm always acting like everything is perfect. I'm worried it's because deep down I'm scared they'll want me to leave him

Stavro Mueller

InHell wrote: »

He doesn't call me names and usually doesn't get me down, this behaviour aside, which kills me. I suppose I'm with him for a variety of reasons, when he's in good form we have fun and we're quite similar in terms of sense of humour etc. I hear what you're saying about not being afraid to go just because we've been together so long, but on the flipside I'm so afraid to throw away 9 years of a relationship if it could be salvaged.

The relationship can only be salvaged if both people want to save it. You want to save it. Does he?

Out of curiosity, was the person he hit a male or a female?

The weed is definitely a big thing but it's a touchy subject with him, he knows my feeling on it and cuts down every now and again but it always creeps back to a nightly habit. It definitely affects his motivation, he knows this himself, when he cuts it out he's like Tigger with the energy he has. It's such a change.

Long-term would this be a dealbreaker for you? Especially if you have kids? Or would you be happy to have daddy smoking pot every night?

I worry too about how reluctant I am to talk to any of my family and friends about it, I'm always acting like everything is perfect. I'm worried it's because deep down I'm scared they'll want me to leave him

Do your family and friends not like him? Why do you feel you have to try so hard to pretend everything is perfect?

Pinkmoon19

I feel for you OP. As a first if he isn't paying his fair share of bills he has no right to be smoking weed every night. This shows a big lack of respect to you. Would you think about maybe sitting down with him and going through all your monthly bills and showing him exactly what you guys have going out per month and what his share of it is? Then if he has any money left over and wants to spend it on weed he can fire away.
If he causes a big deal over this then I would suggest he is putting his drug habit before you, and is there really any point in staying with someone who would do that?
My OH also suffers from depression and I know how challenging it can be, and totally get what you're saying about keeping it from your family etc. However, if you are hiding the truth from them then you know that something is seriously wrong yourself. 9 years is a long time and I completely understand how difficult it must be to break away from the relationship, but where do you see yourself in 9 years? If your OH is unwilling to change do you want to take on the pressure financially and emotionally of being with this man?

meeeeh

InHell wrote: »

I have a much better paying job so I foot most of the bills. I don't mind doing it for the most part but we've had arguments over how little he contributes, he always has money for weed but would never think of giving me anything unless I ask for it. He smokes almost every night and I hate it.

Replace word weed for drink and think what would your advice be to someone whose partner drinks every day and prioritises buying drink in favour of paying basic living expenses. I don't know if your partner is depressed but he is an addict. I would think hard if you want to be in a relationship that resembles a lot relationship between a mother and a bold child. Or at least that is an impression I got from your post.

ladygirl

OP I agree with the above posters - you really need to re-think your relationship. My friend was going out with her ex for 7 years - he had the exact same behavior as yours, not contributing, non motivated, extremely unsociable etc, however he ALWAYS had weed (that was his priority in life). Promised many times he would quit etc but always went back to his old ways. She decided she wanted more from life and finally she left him and hasn't looked back since.

That was 4 years ago and he is still doing the exact same thing to this day that he was doing back then. Looking back she doesn't have the slightest idea why she stayed so long.

You will not be throwing away 9 years - you will be getting the rest of your life back. Fantastic trade in my opinion.

LegacyUser

jesus I'm depressed after reading your post. If I smoked weed and lounged around the house all day I'd be depressed. The fact that he punched your friends friend for no reason is a bit nuts as well.
Do you work in his hometown? Why don't you move at and have some time apart from each other?