Don't see my long term partner as The One

Jurga78

Hi all
I'm so tired of thinking about it, that thought of putting it out here.
Me and my partner "met" each other on the internet, after a few months we were so sure that we're meant for each other - we've moved in together. I have a son from my ex marriage, we have a daughter together and live together for 6 years now. As time went by, little by slowly my feelings for him grew colder. Now we're in the situation that we live like we're sharing a house. We barely speak, don't do anything together. Now we even sleep in a different rooms, cause my daughter wouldn't sleep alone anymore, only with me. Single married life as they say. I get irritated so often, cause I feel like I'm living with 3 children. He doesn't take any responsibilities other than his job. I'm the only one who drives, I do the house chores, I raise the children, I pay the bills (he gives me his wages), I literally do everything by myself. His and my son's relationship never where good, I think they're getting worse (my son is almost 12), my son sees how loving my partner is towards our daughter and I think it hurts him
I feel like I'm stuck here, afraid to make any wrong decisions. He's a good person, he loves our daughter to bits and I think he loves me. But I'm afraid I don't feel anything for him, that he's not The Man in the family, I don't have any support and feel like it's just convenient for both of us to live together (I wouldn't be able to support myself and the kids).
Any thoughts?

Slutmonkey57b

Issue 1 is your daughter sleeps with you. This isn't emotionally healthy unless they're a baby and even then they're better off in a crib.

Pushing your partner out of the marriage bed made it inevitable that your relationship would become more distant.

Issue 2 is you no longer respect the man. If you haven't talked out these issues before with him, you need to do it. He may be unaware of some of them, or he may simply have grown apart and this is the result.

If you find it all too much to handle in one go, pick something small that you think has a good chance of getting "fixed" and bring that up on its own. Make sure you both work on it, and if it's successful it'll build your confidence to try other issues.

Jurga78

My daughter is 4, and she always slept in her own room, but for the past couple of months she's just afraid of everything- night, dark, rain, etc. So after couple of exhausting weeks of trying to talk her into sleeping we just gave up. The distant relationship had started long before that.
I've had talked to him about it, I even told him that I'm afraid I don't feel the same way anymore, told him that I need his help in the family life, that it hurts me to see how he's ignoring my son... He says he'll try and then it all gets back to where it was.

Brego888

I'd say firstly you need to make more of an effort to get your daughter back to her own bed. Exhausting or not you giving up on it has and will do nobody any favours.

Penny Tration

I agree that you need to get your daughter back into her own bed. No matter how exhausting and no matter how many tantrums ensue, she is at an age where she needs to be in her own bed.

With regards to your relationship - you poor thing, you're certainly in a horrible rut, aren't you?

You've been together for six years. There has to be something that attracted you to him and kept you with him for so long. Maybe between childcare and working, you've lost your way. It's all too easy to fall into a rut where you become more like friends than lovers.

Have you spoken with him about it? I think you need to find a night, away from the kids, where you can talk to him, explain your concerns, and see what he says.

If you want to fix the relationship, get back to how you were when you fell in love, and if he wants that too, would you consider relationship counselling.

Neither of you sound like bad people, neither of you seem to be deliberately hurting each other. It sounds as though you both fell into roles (breadwinner and homemaker) that neither of you are entirely happy with. You sound as though you're both so caught up with your own frustrations that you're not making time for each other. Relationships need time, work and effort from both sides.

Talk to your partner. If you both want to save this, and reignite that spark that made you stay together, talk to your gp about arranging relationship counselling. You need to both rediscover why you fell in love.

Best of luck x

Slutmonkey57b

It's probable that your daughter has picked up on the tension between you and your fiance, just like your son has, and they're both acting on that stress.

Kids pick up on the stress. I don't know what to suggest, because it's going to take both of you to work it all out.

Jurga78

Thank you green_screen and slutmonkey57b
You're probably right green_screen don't remember when we were out, just the two of us.

Catphish

Jurga78 wrote: »

As time went by, little by slowly my feelings for him grew colder.

This is the bit I picked up on. You're six years together, and your daughters sleeping problems are recent enough. I think that it's a almost a welcome issue to avoid sleeping with your partner, by the sounds of things.

Jurga78 wrote: »

My daughter is 4, and she always slept in her own room, but for the past couple of months she's just afraid of everything- night, dark, rain, etc. So after couple of exhausting weeks of trying to talk her into sleeping we just gave up. The distant relationship had started long before that. By that I mean you should be persevering with this issue with her, and I'm not convinced you are.
I've had talked to him about it, I even told him that I'm afraid I don't feel the same way anymore, told him that I need his help in the family life, that it hurts me to see how he's ignoring my son... He says he'll try and then it all gets back to where it was.

It's not enough. If you really feel unhappy with the support you get at home, and he is not motivated to getting things 'where it was' then you'll have to call it a day in my opinion.

Have you suggested couples counselling to him? If you can't resolve the problem between you, or either one of you refuse to attend couples counselling it will only mean your children will grow up in an unhappy environment. For them, and yourselves as individuals. I think it's make or break time op, and the sooner the better for all around.

Jurga78

you see through me, Catphish ... I feel better off sleeping with my daughter, hence the lack of effort putting her back to her room. Funny thing is that he doesn't show any initiative to do that too...
As for his motivation, when we had "the talk" and I told him that I wouldn't want to stay with him if the things and his attitude won't change, all he said was - I'll try, but you do what you have to do, I'll understand you in any outcome. On one hand I was pleased that his reaction was calm and it didn't went to a huge argument or hurt feelings, but on the other hand it sounded kinda ignorant of the situation.
When we were talking about our previous relationship, he told that he was living with his ex like brother and sister for a while, until she decided to break up. I asked him, why didn't he end the relationship if he saw that it doesn't go anywhere. His response was that he's just not a break up type... Is it just not having a courage to end the relationship and the history is repeating ?

LegacyUser

Jurga78 wrote: »

Thank you green_screen and slutmonkey57b
You're probably right green_screen don't remember when we were out, just the two of us.

I've been where you are. I left. My daughter was 4 haven't looked back since. Although I gave him an ultimatum he carried on the way he was. Follow your gut

December2012

My advice to you is that sometimes couples having these "talks" with each other don't work, because some people don't know how to change their ways so they fall back into habits.

It is my experience that talking things out with a marriage counsellor helps because they can be the advisor who helps the parties change their ways and form new habits.

If I were you I would make an appointment with a marriage counsellor and go to see them with a view to better communication.

Catphish

Jurga78 wrote: »

you see through me, Catphish ... I feel better off sleeping with my daughter, hence the lack of effort putting her back to her room. Funny thing is that he doesn't show any initiative to do that too...

Even if you were not living with him Jurga, you'd have to encourage her to go to her own room. Sharing a room with your daughter, it's basically facilitating two problems. The little one shouldn't be afraid for a prolonged period of time. She's really out of the habit of being in her own bed now, you need to change that, for you both. I'm sure you've told her there is nothing to be afraid of, but are you sure she's not seeing frustration from her mum? Children are very perceptive Jurga, more than we realise sometimes. Without realising it I think this arrangement with your daughter is your fix for two problems. You've grown cold on your partner due to lack of good communication between the two of you and his lack lustre attitude to it all. The problem by extention is that this little girl will find it hard to get back into the habit of sleeping on her own difficult.

I do feel for you, it sounds like a claustrophobic life to be living.

As for his motivation, when we had "the talk" and I told him that I wouldn't want to stay with him if the things and his attitude won't change, all he said was - I'll try, but you do what you have to do, I'll understand you in any outcome.

On one hand I was pleased that his reaction was calm and it didn't went to a huge argument or hurt feelings, but on the other hand it sounded kinda ignorant of the situation.

I wasn't there, so I can't possibly know for sure, but it sounded rather passive.

When we were talking about our previous relationship, he told that he was living with his ex like brother and sister for a while, until she decided to break up. I asked him, why didn't he end the relationship if he saw that it doesn't go anywhere. His response was that he's just not a break up type... Is it just not having a courage to end the relationship and the history is repeating ?

It sounds like the case, if I'm honest with you. The guy sounds like he needs counselling on his own without being in any relationship, so I wouldn't take any of it personally. He needs to address why he loses interest in his partners, he just seems to run out of steam or something, but why is only something he can answer. It must be difficult for you to live in what seems like a loveless existence, and I can't tell you what to do. But you deserve an answer as to what you need to be doing with your life, so the answer to that is that you ask him out straight if he wants to understand why this happens to him, and ultimately if he wants things to work out as a family. If he is equally as passive and not motivated to staying together as a family, then you have the answer you need.

If the latter is the result, you need to try to organise living arrangements away from each other and move on. As children grow they pick up on everything, disharmony in a home, and they carry fears for their parents too. They're not blind. You need to do the right thing by your children, and I know it's a tough decision but cards need to be laid on the table for once and for all, so you can make positive changes in yours and your childrens lives. You need to know where you stand for yourself and the children.

I do hope the best for you Jurga, whatever the outcome

strobe

His response to 'the talk' comes across to me like he feels there are problems in how you are in the relationship but the angle you came at things from "you need to change or we're done" isn't really conducive to him feeling like he could raise any issues he has if there are any.

Have you considered how your behaviours and attitudes in the relationship have contributed to how things have ended up? This is often a difficult thing for someone to acknowledge or even realise the existence of themselves.

Maybe you could try having another sit down and talk with him but from a less accusatory and blame laying stance. Ask him why he thinks things have gotten to where they are, reassure him that what you want is for things to get back to when things were good and fun and enjoyable and loving between you and that is your goal, that you realise you both are partially to blame for the relationship drifting astray and ask him what he feels you could do or you could change to make things better for him in the relationship.