Afraid to tell her

LegacyUser

Hello Everyone,

I'm a little embarrassed to share this, but I could really use some outside advice.
I have a very close female friend and colleague. I have known her for 5 years.
We hit it off as friends very quickly, and over the years have become firmer friends.
When my wife left me over a year ago, that friendship became stronger. She helped me so much through a difficult time, and could empathise with me like no other could as her own realtionship broke down less than a year before. We both have children - her daughter is just over 2, my son is just over 1. My ex-wife left me shortly after my son was born.
I don't know how I would have got through the last year without her. She has been such an amazing friend and confidante. And I have so much respect for her.

But a month ago, and there was no catalyst, I realised I loved her. All these years she has been a friend, and I thought nothing more. But now, I cannot think about anything else. She has such a beautiful smile, hazel eyes that just sparkle, so intelligent, so funny, so kind.

At work we have time for each other every day. As soon as I get in she comes to see me. We slope off for coffee, disappear into meeting rooms just to chat, talk over IM all the time.
To make it more complicated, I am a senior member of the department, and a designated mentor to her. (we were friends long before this was the case).

I am going to Africa on business for a month in April. I asked her if I could give her my keys while I am gone, just in case of any emergency. I trust her more than anyone. She accepted immediately, and (as I live in the country and she is a Dub) suggested that as well as showing her my house (alarm, stopcock and all that jazz), we should go on one of the marvellous walks I always keep talking about.

We have socialised outside of work on several occasions, but never alone.

She is such a wonderful friend - and if I lost that friendship, I would be devastated. I have tried to stop feeling the way I do, tried to dismiss it, but it's not working. I adore her.

I am desperate for some advice, hopefully from someone who has been in the same boat. I want to tell her, but I'm so afraid of losing her if I do.
Should I just count my blessings that I have this wonderful woman as a friend, and forget anything else?

Any advice appreciated.

Tokyo

OP, this is a complicated situation, and at the end of the day you're the only one who is qualified to decide on what to do. Having said that however, from what you post, it seems that you have a lot of things in your favour. It seems that you and this woman have already established a bond that by what you say, has gotten stronger over time, and she already knows all of the skeletons in your closet regarding your ex wife. If your gut feeling is that she may want something more than friendship, then I'm not sure what you are waiting for.

I have a feeling that the only way you are going to move forward is to tell her how you feel, and I don't think that this is a bad idea at all. However, how you get across to her that you want more than just friendship is important. An all out "I love you and I think we should be together" may very well shock her into running in the opposite direction, or tarnish the friendship. On the other hand, you say that you have never socialised alone together. Have you given any thought to asking her out on a date, say dinner? If she has any sense, she'll see it for what it is - a date - and her reaction will give you a good idea of what she is looking for from you. It also makes it easy for her to turn down your invite - and thus, your advances, without coming across as her being harsh, and ruining the friendship.

Catphish

Alex, I really feel like this would be a sad opportunity to miss out on. For all you know she may feel the very same way. You seem to be quite happy to be in constant contact with each other, which is pretty encouraging. It sounds like you've been a great support to each other through the rough times.

Maybe her feelings for you have changed too? Given what you have said I feel it's worth a shot. Invite her out for dinner or a few drinks. Then when you ready tell her that you have and always will value her friendship, and tell her you think you might have feelings for her. I know you say that you love her, but at the risk that she hasn't picked up on it yet, I think I'd go in there gently till she catches up with you.

Give it a go. Wishing you the best of luck Alex

LegacyUser

Thankyou both for some very sensible advice, it is gladly accepted and taken on board. And you have reassured me a lot.
Now I just need to pick my time I guess, certainly before I go away to Kenya.
You are right, this is too much of an oppurtunity to miss out on, I have to try else I'll always regret it.
Thanks again - and wish me luck :-)

Alex

m'lady

Spot on advice from mike again. Just don't go in all guns blaming OP, and maybe consider allowing this lovely friendship develop more, and it could naturally progress?

LegacyUser

Thanks m'lady

Don't worry, I'n not about to barge in professing my undying love - that would be just suicidal!
As she's already agreed to keep my keys while I'm away, and hence will be coming down here to check out my house anyway, It will give me a good excuse - I'll suggest we go for a walk (she already suggested this last week actually - turns out she likes country walks as much as I do) and then suggest we go out for a meal/couple of drinks afterward. Then hopefully I'll get an idea of where I stand, and can follow catphish's wise words - express how much I value our friendship and always will (I so do, and never ever want to lose it) but that I think I have stonger feelings for her.
If she doesnt have the same feelings for me, I just hope it won't affect our friendship. Thinking about it, I'm pretty sure it wont. She's too intelligent and level-headed, and we've been through so much together already.
Worse case I'm still blessed to have such a thouroughly beautiful person as a friend :-)

Thanks again everyone for your comments.

A

Catphish

AlexJJ wrote: »

Thankyou both for some very sensible advice, it is gladly accepted and taken on board. And you have reassured me a lot.
Now I just need to pick my time I guess, certainly before I go away to Kenya.
You are right, this is too much of an oppurtunity to miss out on, I have to try else I'll always regret it.
Thanks again - and wish me luck :-)

Alex

Thats good news, I was hoping you'd give it a go. Wishing you the very best of luck Alex

m'lady

AlexJJ wrote: »

Thanks m'lady

Don't worry, I'n not about to barge in professing my undying love - that would be just suicidal!
As she's already agreed to keep my keys while I'm away, and hence will be coming down here to check out my house anyway, It will give me a good excuse - I'll suggest we go for a walk (she already suggested this last week actually - turns out she likes country walks as much as I do) and then suggest we go out for a meal/couple of drinks afterward. Then hopefully I'll get an idea of where I stand, and can follow catphish's wise words - express how much I value our friendship and always will (I so do, and never ever want to lose it) but that I think I have stonger feelings for her.
If she doesnt have the same feelings for me, I just hope it won't affect our friendship. Thinking about it, I'm pretty sure it wont. She's too intelligent and level-headed, and we've been through so much together already.
Worse case I'm still blessed to have such a thouroughly beautiful person as a friend :-)

Thanks again everyone for your comments.

A

You seem to really value and respect her OP, and I'm sure she sees that too. Good luck, you sound like a decent, warm and loving person who deserves to be happy.

keeponhurling

If you're planning to enjoy the local wares while away in Kenya, might be better to start on potential relationships after you get back ?

LegacyUser

keeponhurling wrote: »

If you're planning to enjoy the local wares while away in Kenya, might be better to start on potential relationships after you get back ?

I assume you are not referring to the local cuisine?! :-)
Casual encounters really aren't my thing, never had one, never will. Call me old fashioned but just couldn't do it.

LegacyUser

alex JJ

I was in similar situation, became very friendly with a woman for about 2 years. We would help each other out regarding child minding and so on. We would see each other most days and were always just friends

One day we slept together and this carried on for a couple of weeks, then it just stopped. I wanted a relationship but the woman didnt, she said she just wanted to have sex and as I was her friend she wanted to see what I was like

This saddened me and since then we both dont talk or see each other anymore

I lost a very good friend, somone I could rely on, a baby sitter and 101 more things

All im saying is make sure you have thought it through-I never envisaged this would happen from sleeping with her

LegacyUser

similar situation wrote: »

alex JJ

I was in similar situation, became very friendly with a woman for about 2 years. We would help each other out regarding child minding and so on. We would see each other most days and were always just friends

One day we slept together and this carried on for a couple of weeks, then it just stopped. I wanted a relationship but the woman didnt, she said she just wanted to have sex and as I was her friend she wanted to see what I was like

This saddened me and since then we both dont talk or see each other anymore

I lost a very good friend, somone I could rely on, a baby sitter and 101 more things

All im saying is make sure you have thought it through-I never envisaged this would happen from sleeping with her

Very sorry to hear that - that is harsh. However the comment 'she said she just wanted to have sex and as I was her friend she wanted to see what I was like' is surprising, if I'm honest in many ways I think you had a lucky escape, that's no way to treat a friend, and the fact she doesnt talk to you anymore reinforces that. Having said that it must have been very tough for you. I'm confident my friend wouldnt even entertain that, and (not jumping on any moral high horse here, everyone has different lifestyle choices and I respect that) if our relationship does progress to the next level I won't be jumping into bed with her anytime soon, I'm a believer in a relationship building to a certain level first.

But thanks for sharing, and as yourself others have advised I will take this one slowly and carefully.
Ironically I've hardly spoken to her today - but that's just because we are both so busy :-)

A

CaraMay

Op I think the only thing you can do it ask her out as your relationship with her has now changed. there is no going back (or sitting still) as you now have romantic feelings for her. Whatever happens the relationship has changed so here's hoping it's a change in your direction good luck

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

First of all, my advice would be to tell her, as you are being true to your feelings, no matter what happens, and rather courageous. So best of luck to you.

But, as echoed by another poster here. Just be prepared. I told a male friend of mine I had feelings for him. And at the start it was reciprocated, but for a finish (for his reasons), not only does he not want any sort of romantic relationship with me, he no longer wants to be friends. And, yep, hurts like hell. I lost a friend. Just be honest, but prepared. And I honestly hope it works out for you.

LegacyUser

Sorry to hear that truetofeelings

Maybe he didnt know what you really wanted. Sometimes people are that their most vulnerable when their is so much at stake

did you try contacting him again, after some time has settled? Perhaps things are more clearer for you both now?

jimd2

Go for it AlexJJ, from what you describe I think you would regret it if you didn't.

jellyboy

Hi op

the romantic in me is screaming go for it ..

the rational element in me is saying stop and think about this..

you are her mentor and in a senior position and all that entails..
have you thought about this and the impact that it will have..

what will happen if theres a relationship and it fails?
how will colleagues feel ? would a manager with an eye on your role ,decide to show that he can be more trusting around junior staff?

what is the "overall" outcome?






then you have the life is for living,love is life
I wish you well on this crossroads you are at..

Joe10000

You always have the Irish solution to this problem... On the next night out late in the night you make a move and if it goes horribly wrong it can all be blamed on the drink.

susie14

AlexJJ please keep us updated and best of luck. good advice given here follow your heart but thread carefully.

JillyQ

Op go for it. Hopefully it will all turn out well.

LegacyUser

jellyboy - I've thought about that a lot. But we're very much a 'family', the core of the department have been working with each other for years, There have been far worse scandals and we've got through them as a tight knit team. So its a concern yes, but an acceptable risk.

Joe10000 wrote: »

You always have the Irish solution to this problem... On the next night out late in the night you make a move and if it goes horribly wrong it can all be blamed on the drink.

I hadn't thought about that. As much as it pains me to admit it, that's not a bad idea. Isn't it great being Irish? People expect us to be drunk.

susie14 - I will. Plucking up the guts and waiting for my ideal moment. This girl is so worth it, you would not believe. I won't bang on again about what an angel she is but.. I will go for it.

I'm seriously impressed with the good advice and reassuring words I've had from all you guys - thankyou so much :-)

A

CaraMay

Ah sure we are suckers for a bit of romance