Partner has gone off the rails

LegacyUser

My partner and I have had a difficult year, he lost a parent, we lost a child and now he is out of work due to a safety error on his part.
He has always had some issues with alcohol, he can't handle it at all. I convinced him before to give it up and he did for a short while but it didn't last long. He becomes angry and emotional when he's drunk. His friends just laugh about it but I don't know how he hasn't gotten himself into really dangerous situations. I've even had to bang his back and turn him over to get him breathing one night after a session. It terrified me!
The issue is I feel as though I can't rely on him. The last three weeks he has drank with friends for 4 days straight. That means he doesn't come home, they usually all end up passed out in his friend's bedsit, you can imagine the mess! When he does come home drunk he kicks things, punches things, shouts at me, tries to make me get out of bed to cook for him. He threatens to leave me every single time he drinks because he wants to ''prove he doesn't need me''. I feel no stability anymore and honestly, as the weekend draws closer each week I feel anxious and snappy.
He stayed in lastnight and I was thrilled but he's gone out again now, which I know being reasonable shouldn't be a problem, but it has really upset me because I feel exhausted with it all. I am paying his share of the rent now that he lost his job and he still asks me for money to go out. We had a terrible fight earlier because I refused to give him drinking money.
I am pregnant currently which I'm delighted about but I have been feeling very anxious over the death of our first child. I feel like I can't turn to him at all. But I don't know how much of me saying this is fair, given what he's gone through last year.
I've tried talking to him about it and it turns into a horrible, nasty row. He says some truly terrible things when he's in a rage. What can I do to cope with this? I need to lower my anxiety now that I am pregnant but I honestly feel exhausted and afraid for the future. Then I feel guilty because of what he's going through.
I feel guilty for sending him off on his night out with tears and shouting today but I know I'll have to deal with the mess at 5am when he comes in like a bear.

anmhi02

I'm so sorry to hear you're having such a rough time. Speaking as someone who survived and came out the other end of a relationship and marriage with an alcoholic.....you won't change him nomatter how much talking you do to or with him. They have to want to change themselves.You need to look after yourself first and foremost. A life with an alcoholic is exhausting and wearing no matter how much you love them. You're hitting you're head off a brick wall trying to get them to change....have you tried getting him into A A??
Please take care ofyourself but realistically speaking you may need to think about leaving him.....staying with him will only enable him to continue drinking.

Big Bag of Chips

I'm going to ask you something, and it's not meant to be bitchy (tone is difficult to get across with just text) and you don't even have to answer here, but think about it.

Why are you so worried about his threat of leaving you?
Are you only with him because you are pregnant?
Do you love him, now, as the person he is right now, or do you love the person he used to be?
Are you still in a relationship with him because you feel some sort of responsibility to him?

It sounds like you are getting nothing but stress from the relationship at the moment , and have been for quite some time. Do you see any light at the end of the tunnel? What are his good points, and do you see a glimmer of them that is what is keeping you there?

You have a baby due. Having a baby can put stress on the strongest relationships. Can you depend on him for support? Will he get his act together, or will you be dealing with a newborn and an angry, alcoholic partner?

I think a chat with someone in Al-Anon would do you the world of good. It will give you perspective. You will get to talk to others how are going through, and have been through what you are going through right now. I don't envy your position, and I hope you can find some support for yourself. He has to come to his own decision about help and support.

R.D. aka MR.D

Seek help from al-anon or some where else.

Do you have family that you could go and stay with?

As some one who grew up with an father like this, i urge you not to raise your child in that environment. My father was a binge alcoholic, too. He would go on 4 day benders all the time because his job allowed it.
He finally quit but it was way too late for my brother and I who have been emotionally scarred for life because my mother made the decision to stay with him and expose us to his behaviour.

It's difficult but you've not just got yourself to think of here. You know that he has a problem so why are you still with him?

Zen65

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

Seek help from al-anon or some where else.

+1 to this.

He needs help, but you are not strong enough to be that help. If you stay with him and try to deal with this problem he will wear you down, and empty your life as well as the life of your child.

You need to get some things in perspective: The death of his parent is not the underlying problem here. The loss of your previous child is not the problem. The problem is his behaviour, and his lack of desire to change that behaviour.

All adults lose their parents, it is a part of growing up. Some unfortunate parents lose a child; it is a tragedy, but does not excuse violent and irresponsible behaviour. He needs to want to change, but while he has you to pick up around him that may not happen. You need to get help from your own family, and/or from Al-anon to support you to make the right decisions for your life. You won't find the help you need on Boards.ie