I am my own worst enemy

LegacyUser

hey guys, I'm 24 and I feel like giving up with dating as it seems to going wrong all the time. Guy's keep saying I overthink things. It's worrying me. I probably do overthink things, but the reason it goes that way is if I go on a date with a guy, a first date, all bar maybe one have tried it on and then got offended if I wanted to take it slow on the first date and not sleep together. I;m not a prude by any means, but it just isn't my thing, I like to get to know someone before getting that far. I just know personally I would feel awful the next day if I did.

On a different note, I do find it hard to trust guys and their intentions and I find it hard to relax around them. I dont want to go into details but something happened to me involving a friend of the family when I was a little girl and I find that as I grew up and had relationships, I either got very clingy with guys and I doubted their intentions, I still do. I feel my mind is going into over-drive when I meet someone, Im already thinking well ahead when I should be just enjoying the moment for what it is. I do know I dont want to sleep with someone straight away. I just dont, but I hate this over drive mode my brain seems to latch to. I want to be happy, but Im not and I end up getting hurt everytime because a guy makes a comment or tells to relax. I must be giving out these vibes at a high rate because its happening all the time.

I know its me, but I dont know how to fix it.

Tramps Like Us

Nothing wrong with not wanting to sleep with someone on a first date. I'd say thats pretty much a universal thing for women? I'm a man and I never do, I mean you don't know them at all...

Truth be told the few times a woman did want to sleep with me on the first date (if I hadn't known them for a long time before, say a friend or a work colleague) it kind of put me off them. Now this is my neurosis or whatever you wanna call it but I'm just saying that not sleeping with someone on the first date is certainly not a negative to any man worth your time

daisybelle2008

upsetrightnow24 wrote: »

On a different note, I do find it hard to trust guys and their intentions and I find it hard to relax around them. I dont want to go into details but something happened to me involving a friend of the family when I was a little girl and I find that as I grew up and had relationships, I either got very clingy with guys and I doubted their intentions, I still do. I feel my mind is going into over-drive when I meet someone, Im already thinking well ahead when I should be just enjoying the moment for what it is. I do know I dont want to sleep with someone straight away. I just dont, but I hate this over drive mode my brain seems to latch to. I want to be happy, but Im not and I end up getting hurt everytime because a guy makes a comment or tells to relax. I must be giving out these vibes at a high rate because its happening all the time.

I know its me, but I dont know how to fix it.

You don't need to put so much pressure on yourself. Guys are all different with different intentions, you don't need to figure them all out or be on the defensive and distrustful of all men. Just trust yourself and if someone is acting in a way that your instinct is making you uncomfortable with,then move on quickly. If its happening 'all the time' then just take a break from dating or trying to meet someone until you are more comfortable and confident in yourself.
Liking and trusting yourself takes away a lot of pressure, you really don't need to validate yourself through someone else. If going at a pace you feel comfortable with is conflicting with someone else, then just take that evidence you are incompatible with them. Don't try to change them or you, you'll end up in an endless loop of second guessing everything.

LegacyUser

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

You don't need to put so much pressure on yourself. Guys are all different with different intensions, you don't need to figure them all out or be on the defensive and distrustful of all men. Just trust yourself and if someone is acting in a way that your instinct is making you uncomfortable with,then move on quickly. If its happening 'all the time' then just take a break from dating or trying to meet someone until you are more comfortable and confide in yourself.
Liking and trusting yourself takes away a lot of pressure, you really don't need to validate yourself through someone else. If going at a pace you feel comfortable with is conflicting with someone else, then just take that evidence you are incompatible with them. Don't try to change them or you, you'll end up in an endless loop of second guessing everything.

OP here, thanks daisybelle, I feel pretty confident in what I want to do, Im more worried that guys are repeatidly saying that Im over thinking things or intense or thinking too much into it. I just dont know what to do with myself, I feel so conscious of this now before I even talk to guys.

daisybelle2008

upsetrightnow24 wrote: »

OP here, thanks daisybelle, I feel pretty confident in what I want to do, Im more worried that guys are repeatidly saying that Im over thinking things or intense or thinking too much into it. I just dont know what to do with myself, I feel so conscious of this now before I even talk to guys.

Are you really that confident though, OP if you look at your opening post you said you can get clingy and your mind goes into overdrive. So is that would make what these guys are saying true, but that's not a bad thing as you are already aware of it. It is actually helpful that they point this out as it is sometimes easy to get caught up and not realise when you are doing it.
In future if you are investing emotionally at any point, catch yourself and get into the habit of keeping things very light until you are ready. You don't have to explain yourself if you don't feel like sleeping with someone, always do what feels right. Try to treat guys as friends rather than potential boyfriends.