OH Wants to Move

LegacyUser

Hi everyone.
Me and the gf recently moved to a town. The town is in the middle of both our homes. 1hr to her mothers home and 1hr to mine. We have a 2 year old boy who just started in creche about 3 weeks ago. He's settling in great.
We're now on the housing list for this town we are living in at the moment.
Due to a number of legit reasons, we have moved house several times before here. This is our sons 4th home. I don't want to move again. Its not fair on my son to keep moving him around. He has his own bedroom and he's settling in great in to his creche.
Last week my GF's great aunt died. She was close to her a few years ago. She would been babysat by this great aunt when she was younger.
She's very upset about her death, understandably. Her mother is no spring chicken. I think she turned 70 recently or will be soon enough.
Now she wants to move closer to mother because she feels she doesn't spend enough time with her.
I understand this, also. Factor in her father passed when she was in her teens.

But here's what I'm worried about...she wants to move back to another town where we lived for two years. I hated the place and felt trapped in it. I wasn't happy at all licong there, despite what she thinks. She's convinced we were happiest there, but I wasn't. I was far from my home. My friends and family.

Our lease here is up in a few months and she wants to move back there. I really don't want to live there again.

Am I being selfish here?? Should I just man up and go for it? Or is it unreasonable/unfair to expect me to move again, and move our son again? In my view, he needs more stability.

Any advice would be hugely appreciated.

LegacyUser

Oh and I should add that I'm not being giving much of a choice or say in it.
Either I agree to the move or she goes ahead with it without me and takes my son with her.

Merkin

I'd be putting my foot down, she is being very unfair and unreasonable. Is she in a relationship with you or with her ageing mother? I'd be talking to her about this ASAP.

pinkmonkey045

To 'man up' (and I hate the term) by rediculous definition means: be daring, be assertive. It does not mean 'move to the town you hate', my friend. I think you need to be more assertive because you are dead right here, yet you are looking for opinions.

Trust your gut, be assertive, and start expressing yourself in your relationship.

Tokyo

I would give your OH some time to grieve first, before (a) taking what she is saying as a credible threat, and (b) trying to have a rational discussion with her over what is best in the future for you as a couple, and for your child.

death affects us all in different ways, and her aunt's death has obviously affected her at a deep level, and some of this may be reactionary. She wants to be closer to her mum, she wants to be back living in the place where she says she "was happiest", etc... it sounds like the death brought up a lot of the uncertainty that life brings, and she may need some time to process that.

You have a few months before anything can be done anyways, so let her process first. When it comes time to talk, point out all of the things you have pointed out here as calmly as you can, if she is still of the attitude that you can either join them or leave, then explain the unfairness of that statement, and that your decision is based around what is best for your child, and you also don't want your child growing up without their father in the home either. And take it from there.

P. Breathnach

Take account of the fact that she has been upset by the recent death of her great-aunt, and that her judgement might be clouded.

Keep your resistance gentle for now. The desire to move might fade as she gets through the initial period of grieving.

She is entitled to be concerned for her mother's well-being. That, in a general way, is a good thing. But she should also take account of your son's well-being and yours. Perhaps you could look at ways of accommodating all these things. Can you enable more opportunity for her to visit her mother while living where you now are?

osarusan

OP, is she working?

I mean, one hour away - she could see her more than once a week if she's not working, especially if your son is in a creche now.

The whole ultimatum thing is a bit worrying, but as she's mentioned this, or implied it some way, does she already have some idea about how you feel on the idea of moving back there?

Or does she still think you would/will have no objections, or reasons to object?

Czarcasm

WannabeAnon wrote: »

Am I being selfish here?? Should I just man up and go for it? Or is it unreasonable/unfair to expect me to move again, and move our son again? In my view, he needs more stability.

Any advice would be hugely appreciated.

OP I don't think you're being at all unreasonable here, you need stability for ALL of you, not just your child, not just your girlfriend, but for yourself also. I DO wonder though who's driving the desire for all this moving from place to place? Has this been a joint decision in the past, or were you just going along with your girlfriends wishes for the sake of keeping the peace?

It's futile in hindsight now but you really should have voiced your concerns at the time that you were unhappy in the place you were in.

I know I may be contradicting myself here, but the circumstances applying to this move, and the motivations are different, this time it's your girlfriend is unhappy with where she is and she's looking to go back to familiarity to feel an increased sense of security. She's feeling vulnerable right now so much of what she says will by definition be unreasonable and irrational to you, because her head is all over the place. I think it's great that you understand your girlfriend is grieving, but you need to show her that you understand. One of the ways you can do that is by not pushing this issue with her, but not dismissing her either.

It's a fine line but I'm sure you understand your girlfriend better than anyone here, and you'll find a way to offer her comfort, support and security without having your concerns about your child's comfort, support, security and stability being dismissed by your girlfriend.

LegacyUser

OP how is your relationship with your OH's mother? Would it be worth talking to her? Do you think she'd push for your OH to move closer or encourage her to remain where you are? I know when my dad died a few years back I was living an hour 45 mins from but was due to move further away for work. I put it off for a year due to an awful fear I would loose my mum at any moment. My mum sat me down and told me I could let those fears dictate my life. Let your OH grieve but if she is still pushing for the move and you think her family would support you ask them to help you talk to your OH.

Taltos

Suggest you talk to a family lawyer discretely asap.
What are your rights in relation to your child? That is what I would be finding out before anything else, irrespective of the move or not.

Either way once ultimatums are thrown about you need to be careful. As above tread easily, this might be a passing phase, but if not you need to be prepared to fight for custody if you want to go that route.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies!
I have no doubt in my mind that this was brought on by the death the other day.
She sprung all this on me when she got back from the funeral.

Neither of us are working. I was made redundant several months back. Neither of us drive becausemwe wouldn't be able to afford the insurance, but I suppose I could insist she use the public transport a bit more often to get to her mother's house. We're outside of Dublin, so the public transport can be a bit pricey.

As for rights to my child, we're an unmarried couple. My name is on the birth cert though. But unfortunately in this country, I have Shiite all rights!

Sleepy

Well, applying for guardianship would be a good start.

Perhaps if you could get work in the town in which you're currently living it would help win the discussion as to where you should live? Alternatively she could find work whilst you mind the little fella? With a salary coming in you might be able to afford to put a car on the road and visit family more easily?