Floundering in my 30s.

LegacyUser

Hi All,

I dip in and out of this forum occasionally and realise that my problem is trivial compared to the profound issues that others are facing. Nevertheless, I would really appreciate your take on my situation.

Looking at my life from the outside in, it would appear that I have no worries. I am a guy in my mid-30s, with a successful career, good health, and no financial issues. I have some of the trappings of success with the house, the car, nice clothes. However, fundamentally I am desperately unhappy with how my life has and is unfolding and I have no idea how to change.

The first major issue is my "career". When I was a student and in my 20s, I strove to have the high flying job with a large salary, international travel, and the usual array of perks that accompany such a job. I was incredibly motivated to excel in exams, not because I had any inherent interest in the subject, but because I was driven to succeed in life, or at least what I perceived to be success at that time. My background would have been a major influence in this regard. I come from a very working class family and my parents really pushed me to achieve in life. They took great satisfaction in seeing me going to university, landing the jobs etc..

Ultimately, I absolutely hate it all now. I have worked 60-hour weeks for the last 10 years and have less than zero interest in my chosen field anymore. It's not just a case of burn-out; I simply loathe it. To compound this issue, I also work in an extremely corporate organization, surrounded by duplicitious, career climbing colleagues. Despite working there for almost a decade, there is not one current colleague, who I remotely consider a friend. It might sound like hyperbole, but many of them would sell a family member for a promotion / payrise. All in all, I am utterly sick of the job, the environment, the people but the conundrum I face is that I am too busy (and possibly too fearful) to search for another job.

As you imagine, this situation has adversely impacted my personal life. I sit here alone in my house almost parlalysed with lonliness. I haven't been on a night out since before Christmas and there aren't any opportunities for socializing on the horizon. I've always had a pretty small group of close friends since college. Whilst they are still my dearest friends, we have all long since scattered to different cities, with many now married with children. I haven't had a relationship or even a short fling for years. Honestly though, the lack of a reationship isn't the major issue for me. In fact, I think I need to sort myself out before I could be a decent partner to anybody else.

That's it really. Ostensibly everything looks great, but I am dying a little bit inside every day. I am totally and fundamentally lonely and I utterly despise the place where I spend many of my waking hours. Can anybody out there empathise with my situation? Have any of you ever been where I am now and how did to extricate yourself to start leading a more fulfilling life?

Thank you for reading.

Merkin

You're obviously entitled to annual leave. If I was you I'd take some time off and throw all my energy into finding a new job and attending interviews.

Unhappiness with your job seems to the the crux of the issue here, and is having a knock on effect on the rest of your life so for that reason I'd bite the bullet and get on with job hunting right away. That will then have a positive impact on everything else.

corsav6

Could you support yourself through college for a few years and study for a more interesting career? You could also use the opportunity to socialise and meet new people.

thegreatgonzo

Merkin wrote: »

You're obviously entitled to annual leave. If I was you I'd take some time off and throw all my energy into finding a new job and attending interviews.

.

Such a good idea. I think you need some time to yourself to assess what kind of life you want.
It sounds like you are in a good position to make a fresh start if you wanted to. You are still young, financially secure and have no dependants.

ancapailldorcha

Like Merkin has said, your job seems to be the source of your problems. I think going back to University might be a tad drastic if you've gained skills that could help you transfer to another sector.

thegreatgonzo

Not drastic though if he wants a complete change. I went back to college in my 30's.

sopretty

Is it the particular company that you hate, is it the job that you hate or is it the environment surrounding your chosen career?
What I'm asking is - if you did get a new job, would you still be unhappy?

Lux23

I honestly don't think it's just the job, I think you might be wondering what you did it all for? Start looking around for another challenge but maybe you need to broaden your horizons in your personal life. Volunteering might be a good outside activity for you. I think you might just need a purpose.

sopretty

Lux23 wrote: »

I honestly don't think it's just the job, I think you might be wondering what you did it all for? Start looking around for another challenge but maybe you need to broaden your horizons in your personal life. Volunteering might be a good outside activity for you. I think you might just need a purpose.

I agree. Travel. Volunteer in Guatemala. Aim to run a marathon in two years time for a charity that moves you. Take a year out. Or plan for one.

boobar

You say that you work 60 hour weeks and have done so for the last 10 years, what would happen if you cut back to a 40 hour week. I doubt that they'd sack you.

The reason why I pick this particular point to home in on, is because we all need money to survive. Many posts have suggested leaving the job, going back to college, travel the world etc.

I think a healthy work life balance is the first thing you need to address. You can be your own person, don't buy into the organisation dog eat dog culture. You'll then be able to take time to reflect on what you want to get out of your life outside work.

You seem to have grown bored of the material things that you so eagerly pursued because of your working class background. One thing I would strongly recommend is trying to help others. That can bring great joy and fulfilment. It doesn't even have to be a volunteer type activity with a charity. Help an elderly neighbour, look around, do you have skills that can help others.

I wish you luck. I've been in your shoes, borderline workaholic from a poor background and I mean poor, letting health and relationships suffer. I stopped the long hours, gave up chasing the promotion. Now very happily married, father, some close friends, some pastimes....content.

First step for me...work life balance.

Doop

Is there any option for a career break? if so a couple of months / yr out to travel and enjoy yourself. It can do alot to focus the mind on whats important in life and what you want to do with it.

I know financially it would be difficult, you could maybe rent your house etc to cover the mortgage. Just something to think about.

LegacyUser

It's the OP getting back to the thread. Thank you all for taking the time to respond. There has been some very interesting and insightful comments posted.

I see that multiple posters have suggested returning to full time education or taking time out to travel. Great suggestions, but unfortunately neither is currently viable for me with a mortgage repayment to meet monthly. I also don't think that I am the type of person who would enjoy lying on a beach in Thailand indefinitely. I am kind of hard wired to feel like I should be doing something constructive with my time.

Those of you who suggested finding another purpose in life have certainly hit the nail on the head. I feel that I have expended so much time and energy on a very hollow pursuit, without contributing anything of real value to people around me or society at large. Ideally, I would love to become a teacher. Imparting knowlege to others and helping people get to grips with something are the only parts of my job that I enjoy. As I mentioned, this is a pipe dream at the moment, whilst I am constrained by a mortgage. However, I will definitely look into volunteering opportunities in my local area to see what is out there.

Boobar, your post resonates really strongly with me. It sounds like you were once where I am at right now. You mention cutting back to a 40-hour week and the fact that it's unlikely that they would fire me. The company in which I work is actually a pretty cut-throat environment, with almost eveybody working far more than the standard 40-hour week. If I were to scale back, I might get away it with for a month or two at most. I would then be crucified in the next quarterly performace review. I kid you not; that's how closely people are watched where I work. Believe me when I say that I am not chasing promotion; I am working these hours simply to stay on top of the existing workload and to keep my head above water in there.

Thanks to all of your comments here, I think I have a mapped out a partial solution in my head. As Merkin and others suggested, I am going to request 2/3 weeks on annual leave in the next month or so. I'll use that time to get my CV in shape and hammer the job market to try get another job in my sector. I actually don't mind the work too much; it's just the quantity and pressure in current stressful environment that reallt gets to me.

Hopefully, if I land a new job, it will prove to be a more standard 9-5:30 / 40-hour a week role. I honestly don't know how I will cope if it proves to be another dog-eat-dog millieu. Last question to all you decent folks. How would you go about re-igniting a social life and generally meeting like-minded people after allowing that part of my life to lie dormant for quite a while? As I mentioned, I have a small group of friends, most of whom are pretty tied down with family commitments at this stage. How does a mid-30s guy go about making new friends and kick starting a social life?

Thanks again for all of your feedback.

Merkin

Glad to hear you are going to take some time off to shop around for a new role. You mention the prospect of going from frying pan into fire with regard to working hours and this is something you need to be honest about when applying for a new job. If you are dealing with a couple of recruiters, tell them the reason why you want to jump ship, they will appreciate the honesty and stipulate what is and isn't acceptable.

It's all down to a company's culture, each one has their own unique print of what is and isn't expected. Like you, I've worked in organizations where it would really be frowned upon to leave before 7.30pm most evenings (and that's from being in at 8 every morning) so you need to establish at interview what the accepted norm is to avoid this happening again.

You also mention throwing yourself into a new social scene again. I think this should happen quite organically for you when you find yourself with more time on your hands. A lot of people make friends through work so you'll probably meet a couple of drinking buddies in a new job. Tag rugby is supposed to be wonderful to met both guys and girls. I also see a group called http://www.meetup.com/cities/ie/dublin/ which would be a great place to start, you see a lot of positive feedback about it here. Like I say, once you have more time on your hands you'll be able to concentrate on having more fun.

You're doing the right thing. You can have a successful career and be comfortably off while still having a life. Nobody ever lies on their death bed declaring "I really wish I'd spent more time in the office" :rolleyes:

You're doing the right thing!

doireann08

I have been somewhat in your shoes. Working crazy hours , travelling all the time which meant that it became difficult to keep up with close friendships

About 2 years ago, I decided I needed a "life overhaul" . I made a conscious effort to get out of my comfort zone, meet new people. I also changed jobs and it was the best decision I ever made.

I would also recommend joining meetup.
Like you, most of my friends are married with kids. Some of my single friends were still into the "lets get p$ssed every weekend" scene. I am 37, so just going to pubs every weekend doesn't appeal to me.

I joined meetup last year and have met so many cool and interesting people .

Best of luck whatever you decide to do

santana75

Floundering wrote: »

Hi All,

I dip in and out of this forum occasionally and realise that my problem is trivial compared to the profound issues that others are facing. Nevertheless, I would really appreciate your take on my situation.

Looking at my life from the outside in, it would appear that I have no worries. I am a guy in my mid-30s, with a successful career, good health, and no financial issues. I have some of the trappings of success with the house, the car, nice clothes. However, fundamentally I am desperately unhappy with how my life has and is unfolding and I have no idea how to change.

The first major issue is my "career". When I was a student and in my 20s, I strove to have the high flying job with a large salary, international travel, and the usual array of perks that accompany such a job. I was incredibly motivated to excel in exams, not because I had any inherent interest in the subject, but because I was driven to succeed in life, or at least what I perceived to be success at that time. My background would have been a major influence in this regard. I come from a very working class family and my parents really pushed me to achieve in life. They took great satisfaction in seeing me going to university, landing the jobs etc..

Ultimately, I absolutely hate it all now. I have worked 60-hour weeks for the last 10 years and have less than zero interest in my chosen field anymore. It's not just a case of burn-out; I simply loathe it. To compound this issue, I also work in an extremely corporate organization, surrounded by duplicitious, career climbing colleagues. Despite working there for almost a decade, there is not one current colleague, who I remotely consider a friend. It might sound like hyperbole, but many of them would sell a family member for a promotion / payrise. All in all, I am utterly sick of the job, the environment, the people but the conundrum I face is that I am too busy (and possibly too fearful) to search for another job.

As you imagine, this situation has adversely impacted my personal life. I sit here alone in my house almost parlalysed with lonliness. I haven't been on a night out since before Christmas and there aren't any opportunities for socializing on the horizon. I've always had a pretty small group of close friends since college. Whilst they are still my dearest friends, we have all long since scattered to different cities, with many now married with children. I haven't had a relationship or even a short fling for years. Honestly though, the lack of a reationship isn't the major issue for me. In fact, I think I need to sort myself out before I could be a decent partner to anybody else.

That's it really. Ostensibly everything looks great, but I am dying a little bit inside every day. I am totally and fundamentally lonely and I utterly despise the place where I spend many of my waking hours. Can anybody out there empathise with my situation? Have any of you ever been where I am now and how did to extricate yourself to start leading a more fulfilling life?

Thank you for reading.

I could've written your post, so I know exactly where you're coming from. I grew up poor and was very driven to succeed, not end up poor like my parents. But once the dust settled I realised I hated the career and the environment I was in. I was surrounded by people who would literally sell their souls for a corner office or promotion and that just wasnt me. Everyday I felt like I died a little and would have that sense of dread as monday morning would approach.
At a basic level you gotta be able to provide for yourself, but theres a dilemma aswell in that you have to do what you feel passionate about otherwise you end up trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole. Although I know thats not true for everybody. I know people who hate their jobs but they dont mind so long as it pays the bills and allows them to go on holidays, drive a nice car etc.
I think OP your best bet is to start to look at yourself and the things that you're genuinely passionate about. If it takes going back to college full time then thats what you have to do. People start over all the time so its not such an unusual thing. As for the social life, again, have a look at the things you're interested in. Dont do things just to meet people, I think thats just showing a lack of authenticity. I mean if you'd like to try martial arts or gymnastics or learn how to dance, go for it, theres classes all over the place. But just start to think about the things you like to do and go from there.

boobar

Floundering wrote: »

Boobar, your post resonates really strongly with me. It sounds like you were once where I am at right now. You mention cutting back to a 40-hour week and the fact that it's unlikely that they would fire me. The company in which I work is actually a pretty cut-throat environment, with almost eveybody working far more than the standard 40-hour week. If I were to scale back, I might get away it with for a month or two at most. I would then be crucified in the next quarterly performace review. I kid you not; that's how closely people are watched where I work. Believe me when I say that I am not chasing promotion; I am working these hours simply to stay on top of the existing workload and to keep my head above water in there.

Ok OP, I hear you. It's very hard to change the culture of an organisation.

So I think the best thing to do is take those 2 or 3 weeks leave like you were going to. Take a break, enjoy it. Think carefully about your next job choice, it might even mean taking what many would see as a demotion.

You say you'd get away with the 40 hour week for a month or two, then do that. To hell with the performance review, just focus on getting that job that will allow you have that good balance in work and life.

I was once where you are now. I actually left the organisation, completely by accident I ended up in a different line of work. Hours are normal now, work is interesting, stress on occasion, but that's in every job. Actually making more money now, so a job change for you doesn't necessarily mean a drop in money.

Oh and I got very good at saying no to people. This has probably helped me the most to have a good work life balance.

Good luck to you.

dissed doc

My advice is to get out of Ireland and move a city with more life, Berlin, Amsterdam, somewhere.

Having a car, house, job is nice if you are happy with your life. Otherwise, none of that means much, which you already know.

My opinion is that life in Ireland is particularly limited after age 25-30. People suddenly become 45+ in their thinking and it's difficult to develop a new peer-group in your 30s in Dublin. Continuing to do what you are doing is unlikely to lead to a different outcome than now.

Sandimandi

I created an account just to reply to you OP.

I'm in the same boat, mid 30's and hated my well paid professional job, I packed it in recently. Friends either disappeared into married life or went abroad, spent most weekends sitting in my apartment alone wondering what the hell to do with my life. I still don't know but I have decided to move abroad.

I'm lucky enough in that I've no kids or mortgage and some savings, Ireland has become so unappealing to me and the standard of living is only going to get worse (you've already experienced that with 60hr working weeks).

I think at a certain age a complete change is the only way to deal with this.
I'm not sure where you live but with the rental demand in Dublin would renting out your place be an option?

There is a better life in Europe, if you dig around some recruitment websites they are crying out for English speakers for good jobs.

Don't be anxious about leaving a job you hate, been unemployed is the pits but so is the misery of putting up with it.

I wish you well.

LegacyUser

Once again, thank you all for your responses. Much appreciated.

It's reassuring to see that others have found themselves in a similar situation, and most importantly have managed to extricate themselves and move on. When I posted initially, I thought that I may have been alone in digging this hole for myself. Clearly that's not the case.

I like the idea of a "life overhaul" suggested by Doireann. As soon as I manage to get the work situation under control, I'll start checking out things like Meetup. Although I like the odd big night out, I too, am uninterested in spending every weekend in the pub. Thankfully, I do have one sport that I am passionate about, so will definitely check out some clubs.

I see that a couple of posters are advocating moving abroad. This has crossed my mind on more than one occasion. However, my big concern with this notion is that I would up even more isolated than I am here in Dublin. At least I have a few friends that I see on-and-off here, plus family a few hours away.

To those planning a move elsewhere, do you not feel that this could further exacerbate your situation? I did a stint in continental Europe in the past, in a country where I have a reasonable grasp of the language. Whilst it was easy to make friends with other foreigners, it wasn't so easy to be accepted into local social circles. For those who see moving abroad as a remedy to the situation in which we find ourselves, I'm really curious as to why you think this is a solution?

Thanks again.

Sandimandi

I find when I'm abroad that expats make more of an effort with each other and so there's a ready group to socialise with.

I'm not sure why you would need to be accepted into local social circles, would an expat community not suffice?

As for moving abroad to find a remedy, I know in my case staying in Ireland is not in my best interests.

stateofflux

I have been there OP, for me the sadness came from a complete selfish functionless existence that benefited no one else. I signed up to volunteer with a Homeless Charity, helping one night a week. Changed my perspective on life completely, made me much happier and met some wonderful people from a variety of backgrounds/professions that just want to help the less fortunate. worth a try.

dissed doc

Floundering wrote: »

....
To those planning a move elsewhere, do you not feel that this could further exacerbate your situation? I did a stint in continental Europe in the past, in a country where I have a reasonable grasp of the language. Whilst it was easy to make friends with other foreigners, it wasn't so easy to be accepted into local social circles. For those who see moving abroad as a remedy to the situation in which we find ourselves, I'm really curious as to why you think this is a solution?

Thanks again.

This is more about moving out of your comfort zone, and the language is a comfort zone. You don't have to make friends with anyway in any circle but you will likely find a much larger range of activities that include a lot more people.

It's unlikely to find new "best friends" after your mid 20s; so stop that thinking, get out of your comfort zone, and explore new hobbies and become interested in new things is the way to genuinely meet new people based on common interests, IMHO.

Sheog

Hi OP,

I had to reply to your post, because I can totally identify with your situation. Apologies in advance for the length! I feel quite passionate about this.

I went through a similar crisis, but a bit earlier in life than you did. I found myself in my mid-twenties, working ridiculous hours for a cut throat, soulless multinational, with colleagues that I would cross the street to avoid if I spotted them outside of work. I was stressed, unhappy and had no idea how to get out or change my situation. The difference between my situation and yours is that because of my age I was renting in Dublin, and most of my friends were living around me. I had a lot of support during that time, and my main outlet was through an active social life which really helped. However, I dreaded going into work every day, to the point that I sometimes felt sick.

One of my friends recommended that I try out a life coach that she knew. I know this sounds a bit ‘new age/ hipster’ (and I definitely had my doubts) but I have to say it was a massive turning point for me. I talked through my situation and the life coach managed to tease out from me what I really wanted out of life, and helped me to road map my way there. It could be a life coach or a counselor, but talking to someone definitely helped!

Like you, I had people depending on me at the time (mainly my parents) so I couldn’t just hand in my notice and walk away from a good job. Here are a couple of things to think about which may help you:

What you want out of life:
1. If money/ age / education or experience were not an issue, what is it that you really want to do? This is a tough one to answer, but it helps to bring you back to that childhood place, where you don’t have excuses as to why it will never happen. (The older we get the more we talk ourselves out of things so much quicker than we talk ourselves into them.) It could be one thing, it could be lots of things. It could be partially to do with your career, or there could be other things such as being a Dad or a dog owner, or traveling through Alaska.) whatever it is, write it down!
2. What can you do in your day to day life today to bring you closer to those things, no matter how small they all count!

What can you do today to make your job more bearable:
1. Find something in your job that you enjoy enough to help get you through the day. Is there some project/ client/ product development or research that you can get more involved in or give more focus to ? Is there some aspect of your job that you even remotely enjoy or have more of an interest in? You mentioned teaching, if you have a flare for it, could you get involved with training and developing new starters/ graduates or trainees? Is there a work charity event that you’d like to be a part of?
For me it was working closer with new or start-up businesses who were trying to launch into a very difficult market. This helped me to start enjoying certain parts of the job. I also started to appreciate that I had the freedom in my role to make decisions in that area. Within weeks I found I was not dreading going into the office nearly as much and it made the bad days more bearable.

2. Don’t let the way other people are (and their issues) get into your head and your mood! I found that my manager was cranky, unsupportive and particularly hard on me which, was having an effect on my self-esteem and my performance. The way she treated me was causing me stress and I was constantly second guessing myself. The Life coach pointed out that in the environment I worked in, it was highly likely that my manager was simply as stressed and unhappy as I was, and was taking that out on those around her. This really helped me to stop assuming that I was always the cause or reason for my manager’s moods and outbursts (or for the outbursts of others for that matter.) It gave me the head space to regain lost confidence and actually helped to improve my performance.

3. Work on small things that were within my control each day, to move closer to what I really wanted out of my career. Anything from doing some research, updating my CV, seeking out any useful connections, approaching recruiters, looking into further education. No matter how small or big, doing something was a step closer to the change I needed.

4. Get out at the first given opportunity! Don’t let self-doubt and fear stop you from making a jump if the opportunity arises. Again, we tend to talk ourselves out of things, because we fear change!

What actually transpired was that I took back control of my own life (sounds a bit ridiculous but it’s what happened!) I gained confidence where I needed it and I actually started performing better in the job. This did not go unnoticed;. my manager completely backed off and even started to support me more, and suddenly I started to enjoy the job I was on the brink of leaving. It transpired that I was approached with an opportunity for a similar role but with a small Irish company. I agonized about whether or not to take that job, but I eventually decided that maybe this new company would be the right fit for me and I had to take the chance. I have never looked back and I am far happier for it. I like the job. The company is very family oriented and appears to have some sort of a consciences. My colleagues by and large are lovely, some I am very good friends with, the hours are reasonable although it can get busy at certain times of the year. Basically, I don’t think about work from the moment I leave the office to the moment I return to it. I am single in my early thirties now, and I am (finally) in the right place to pursue the other things I want out of life, such as love, kids etc. While I have no idea if I will ever get there with my love life, I know for certain that if I had stayed working for that multinational I definitely would not be open now to those other ever so important things.

I have rambled on for ages, but I hope some of this helps you in some way… best of luck in the future and remember, talk to someone!

smythking

Becoming unhappy in your job and life happens gradually over many years as in my case.Forget about your job just for a while and think about something you can do outside work.Something you really enjoy doing like a good hobby.This is something iam lacking but iam trying different things outside work to stop competing in the work place (iam 59 years old).When your older it much harder to change.I mean you cant just simply give up work but you could end up racing home as early as you can to pursue an interest that's more important to YOU than any job.Our mental health and well being are more important than any job.I wish you the best of luck.