Dad issues affecting relationships with guys

LegacyUser

I can't imagine ever having a boyfriend or getting to the stage where I feel secure with a man. I have dated boys for a few months at a time but never made it to the relationship stage. What happens is I meet a guy and we both like each other, I'm usually on top form with work/hobbies/friends keeping me busy at this stage. At this point I am fun and engaging. Then we begin to date and sleep with each other. Everything is great for a while. And then my insecurities seep in until I eventually repel the guy.

I have had issues with my father since I became a teen. He is quietly controlling, and my mother is quite passive. If I challenge him or disagree with him he gets angry and will not bother speaking/making eye contact with me. My mother can be the same, but when this happens with her I say 'I care about you, but I disagree with you all the same on this' etc. With dad there is no compromise. He definitely does not see me as an adult. He has never really praised me or seemed proud of me, bar showing up to my graduation. My other siblings still crave his approval but this just turns my stomach. I don't discuss this with them though. I love all of my family, but I resent dad for withholding affection. It is now carrying on into romantic relationships. I want men's approval all of the time, their affirmation (even from male bosses and teachers I had in college). With guys I feel insecure unless they are really lovey dovey and mad about me, which doesn't happen because I am so needy. Practically speaking, this manifests itself as me going along with everything they have to say, changing plans to suit them, only wearing what I think they like, planning things that they would like to do, basically changing myself to suit them and never truly being me. I hope to prevent rejection in this way by always keeping them happy and by keeping them wanting me. The result is I look like a doormat with no personality and no self respect.

I may have a date in the next while with a guy I don't really know, but my cousin is setting me up with. He sounds interesting, but I already feel less to him. He sounds like he has a great life and I don't know if I will be enough. I may mess this up as well. I know I will be chatty and confident on the first date, and then as I become invested I will get scared and feel I have to change myself in order to keep him. Has anybody any advice?

(p.s. I was a late bloomer in the sex department, and I think that this hasn't helped matters. Basically I feel like nobody wanted me sexually for so long that I think this has done some damage too).

LegacyUser

Wow, I just read through your post and you've literally described me. I have the same problems with relationships in that they start out well where I am super fun and confident. Guys always want a second date. Then within a couple of months I get really insecure and behave in a way that is totally unlike me, repelling the guys. I'm 30 and the longest I've dated anyone is 3/4 months. It's heartbreaking. I also was a late bloomer in the sex department and only lost my virginity when I was 23.

In my situation, my dad died when I was a kid so deep down I feel like I was abandoned (according to my counsellor!) so I have a fear of it happening again. I also understand how you feel about the blind date. I also feel like I'm less than other people too, even though on the surface people would think I have it all (apart from the relationship obviously!)

You have self awareness of the problem which is a step in the right direction. Have you considered counselling? I tried it for about a year and it did help me see things more clearly although I'm not closer to finding a relationship I have been half thinking of hypnotherapy to deal with the anxiousness I feel when I'm seeing someone as I've heard it can help with anxiety. I feel like I just need to relax and go with the flow and not over think things when I'm with someone new. It's hard not to though Anyway, not sure if I've helped but know you're not alone

ok, look everyone deals with things differently.
my dad, did actually abandon me, to an extent.

my parents divorced when i was 10, but my dad left when i was 3 or 4.
i saw the divorce papers where my dad made a statement sayin that he didnt want/would never try to have any guardianship over me and my brothers
i can honestly say it doesnt bother me in the slightest.

im single, have had plenty of boyfriends but im not interested in marraige/settling down. im in my late 30's.
is this because of my past? maybe. but who cares?
i am who i am, my life is what it is.

i think counselling is a good way to go if something is an issue in your life, its up to you to move on and look after yourself. never just allow something to stop you moving on with your life, deal with it yourself and get stronger.

LegacyUser

bubblypop wrote: »

ok, look everyone deals with things differently.
my dad, did actually abandon me, to an extent.

my parents divorced when i was 10, but my dad left when i was 3 or 4.
i saw the divorce papers where my dad made a statement sayin that he didnt want/would never try to have any guardianship over me and my brothers
i can honestly say it doesnt bother me in the slightest.

im single, have had plenty of boyfriends but im not interested in marraige/settling down. im in my late 30's.
is this because of my past? maybe. but who cares?
i am who i am, my life is what it is.

i think counselling is a good way to go if something is an issue in your life, its up to you to move on and look after yourself. never just allow something to stop you moving on with your life, deal with it yourself and get stronger.

Thanks for your reply. I am going to counselling and wanted a different opinion, ideally from someone who has experienced something similar. What you went through sounds really tough. That said we all have various levels of resilience and you don't seem to have been too affected by it, as you say when he didn't want guardianship over you. That said I'm beyond thinking my life 'is what it is' as you say, and really want to change this aspect of my life. I really do care, and while I can go for great spells at a time happy in my own company and single, I still want to have a significant other at some point.

simonsays1

Hi OP,

I agree with a lot of what's been said above. Sounds like you've low self esteem. The only advise I have is to work on your self love, positive self talk, continual self kindness. Have you tried CBT?

Personally, I cannot say I understand fully that feeling neediness etc in a relationship but it sounds taxing ON your head with all that thinking.

I have a fear of abandonment whereby I have created an internal barrier which doesn't even allow me to even find a relationship not to mention maintain one. My father also died when I was a child, now early 30's and have never been in a meaningful relationship. But I've only been self aware in the last few years and that is the start which you have also!

I second BubblyPop= not to let your father's behaviour define you as in a way it will give you an excuse to stay in the comfort zone.

A balance, I suppose

Simone