How do we get over this?

LegacyUser

Hi.
My husband and I have fallen out with his daughter. It is over a year since we've spoken. She did something horrendous to us and was badly caught out lying. When confronted she showed absolutely no remorse and said awful things to us. For a finish she left and we have not spoken since.
She was a wonderful child but through her teens and early adult life she had become cheeky etc. This is the first big argument we ever had and we were astounded with the things she said "i wish ye weren't in my life etc". She was no angel but most of her behaviour could be put down to being a typical teenager. One thing I did notice was my husband has a serious illness and she never showed any real interest or concern for him. She also had little interest in her step brothers/sisters. I suppose she had become a little colder as she got older. Her relationship with her mam/stepfather had its ups and downs and we always tried to be there for here in this regard. There is also a possibility they played a part in this huge lie she told but we're not 100%. Either way she is a young woman now and old enough to know better.
I have cried almost everyday about the way she's treated us and I am so torn as I miss her but I am also so angry and hurt. We've often thought that some of the stuff she told us didn't quite add up and it seems now she may have being telling lies for a long time.
We decided to text her at Christmas to tell her we still love her etc but we got no response. My heart is breaking for my husband who was a fantastic dad to her. I just don't understand how she could do this and show no remorse whatsoever. We feel so hurt and used.

Redsox Rover

Hi Op,

First of all i am sorry for the awful situation you find yourself in. I can sympathise with you in some way as my family is going through something very similar. In our case it is my sister who has completely brokern contact from the rest of us. We have not heard from her in 4 months and this is also down to us catching her out on some awful lies she was saying about my parents.

It is difficult but i think the best thing to do is just keep in mind that you are in the right and also to keep an open mind and heart about her returning. The advice i have given my parents is to not let anger take over and just realise that people make mistakes and hurt the people closest to them.

Generally when someone is troubled they take this out on the people they care most for and when they go so far it is more shame that makes them pull away. I am sure some time in the future she will establish contact and it will be up to you and your husband to welcome her back which by the tone of your email you are very willing to be.

I do not know the ins and outs of your story but just always try to remember that this sorry ordeal is not a reflection on you, your husband or even your daughter. Its more a reflection on her current emotional state. You have done nothing to be upset about and you have opened the line sof communication. All you can do is wait for it to be reciprocated.

I really hope this gets resolved soon for you. I know how hard it is for you as we are going through the same. people are funny creatures and do strange things but generally in time realise whats right and what they have to do. Just have a bit of fate and be strong.

Good luck to you all.

LegacyUser

Hi.
Thanks for your lovely reply. It is nice to get advice from someone with similar circumstances.
I hope everything works out for you guys too.

Merkin

What did she lie about OP?

LegacyUser

I can't go into too much detail but suffice to say it wasn't the usual trivial stuff. It was very personal to us. It involved conspiring against us, with someone, by telling this lie. All to benefit herself and said person financially. It also gained her alot of sympathy from us. The usual reaction when we've had to tell people is shock or pity. The lie completely humiliated us.

without knowing what the lie was exactly im going to give a small bit of advise.

is there any chance that she did actually believe what she said?

you said she doesnt bother with her step siblings, are these your children?
what age were they all when you and your husband got together?
does she really have a connection with them or are they just your children that live with her father?

if she did actually make up some lie about ye, maybe she is embarrassed now?

does she know that if she wanted to, she could call to your house?
is it clear to her that both you and your husband would forgive her and take her back?

LegacyUser

Yes, unfortunately she was well aware she was lying. A good samaritan informed us of her ways and when confronted she wasn't a bit sorry. Probably so ashamed she just wanted to hurt.
To be honest if this was anyone else I would never forgive but being the guardians we're willing to hear her out anyway.
I would imagine the text we sent clarifys we're willing to at least talk but we got no response. From what i can see she's cut us out because we dared get upset with her and told her to leave and go back to her mams as the lie mainly benefitted her mother
The step children are mine and her dads. She was 15 when the first one was born but we have been together since she was 6.
I think the fact of the matter is she didn't really care about us at all and had us fooled. She is 100% in the wrong so when we finally decided to text we assumed she would respond (although I had my doubts as she has shown form of being stubborn, cutting friends out over arguments etc). So now we have to deal with the fact that SHE has cut US out. It breaks my heart. It is very hard to get over the shame of estrangement from a child. Especially when we haven't done anything to deserve it.

alias06

It sounds to me like she is really angry.

So far we only have your side of the story but I think it would be useful for you to put yourself in her shoes and try to understand why she might be behaving this way.

First we don't know the background story of how she came to be living with her dad and you. Second you say her relationship with her Mum and step dad has had its ups and downs. So she has had quite a difficult upbringing. I'm sure you and your partner have done your best to take care of her but I doubt she has ever been happy with the arrangement that had been put in place. Whether you like it or not and whether you have done your best or not, she feels neglected and uncared for and she is really angry about it. Her anger comes out in the form of passive aggression - taking no interest in her step siblings, not caring for her father when he is sick, spreading malicious rumours, and now in the ultimate expression of anger she has cut contact completely (pulling the pin on the grenade metaphorically speaking). She is acting out her anger in the only way she can as I'm sure she feels unable to confront you and your partner or even articulate what she is feeling.

I'm sorry but you can tell us how wonderful you and your partner have been (and I'm sure you have done your best) but that is not how she felt and I suspect you have neglected to engage with her about her feelings on any real level.

You need to be the adult here. If you want her back in your life I think you should tell her you completely forgive her for whatever lie she told. And that you want to talk to her about her feelings and how you can get back on good terms.

Your step daughter is angry. She may have good reason to be. Feelings aren't right or wrong. Whether you like it or not that is how she feels. Tell her you are sorry she feels that way and try to move forward from there.

LegacyUser

I can understand it might come across a bit one sided but I cannot give her point of you if she won't give it to us. I say that we were 100% right, which may have come across awful but I can only give the facts of what took place, which I outlined. Believe me, I wish she would come forward with "my problem with you is this" and we could talk it out. I agree she must be angry and I wish she would speak to us about why. Regarding her issue with her mother/stepfather we have suggested counselling etc but she defends the upset they cause her when we try to do anything about it.

CaraMay

If you have been crying almost every day about something that hapoened a year ago then I respectfully suggest YOU need counselling.

LegacyUser

Im unsure weather you meant to get at me with that remark Caramay. By your bold text are you suggesting I shouldnt advise counseling for someone because I need it myself?
If you were being genuine then yes, i have spoken to the Samaritans before and I suspect I should speak to someone else. I thought getting advise from anyone in a similar situation would help too.

alias06

Anon1234t wrote: »

Im unsure weather you meant to get at me with that remark Caramay. By your bold text are you suggesting I shouldnt advise counseling for someone because I need it myself?
If you were being genuine then yes, i have spoken to the Samaritans before and I suspect I should speak to someone else. I thought getting advise from anyone in a similar situation would help too.

Caramay has a point. Sometimes when it is said to someone in a family that 'they need counselling' or 'they should talk to a counsellor' the implication can be that the problem is entirely theirs and hence the defensiveness. You could offer to talk to a counsellor together.

It might be a good idea for you to get proper professional advice about how to deal with this anyway. It's not unusual for children to be angry with their parents, even less uncommon to be angry with step parents. Just like parents can dump their anger on children when they are young - grown up children can dump their anger on parents. Good professional advice on how to resolve this would be worthwhile.

CaraMay

Anon1234t wrote: »

Im unsure weather you meant to get at me with that remark Caramay. By your bold text are you suggesting I shouldnt advise counseling for someone because I need it myself?
If you were being genuine then yes, i have spoken to the Samaritans before and I suspect I should speak to someone else. I thought getting advise from anyone in a similar situation would help too.

I wasn't trying to be a smart ass there op I said you in bold meaning you singular rather than you as a couple.

clairefontaine

Anon1234t wrote: »

I can understand it might come across a bit one sided but I cannot give her point of you if she won't give it to us. I say that we were 100% right, which may have come across awful but I can only give the facts of what took place, which I outlined. Believe me, I wish she would come forward with "my problem with you is this" and we could talk it out. I agree she must be angry and I wish she would speak to us about why. Regarding her issue with her mother/stepfather we have suggested counselling etc but she defends the upset they cause her when we try to do anything about it.

You havent given any facts at all.

The most fundamental fact that you need to disclose is exactly what the lie is.

People lie all the time, everyday they lie, all day. So until you explain further, no one can help you.

LegacyUser

OP I agree with CaraMay that you should speak to your GP about getting some counseling for yourself and your OH but separate counseling as you both have different issues to deal with. You want to get over this then you need to start accepting that your step daughter might not be part of your life anymore and counseling may help you move on.

Your OH has to deal with the mistakes that have happened with regards his daughter. I'm not trying to excuse what ever it is she's done but from your own description even though both you and your OH and her mother and her OH have tired it hasn't been smooth sailing and your step daughter has clearly suffered. These are her issues to deal with and it's not fair she's pushed her issues on your family but you can't control other people, if you were on speaking terms with her I'd say you should encourage her to get counseling. There are some odd things in your posts like referring to your other children as her step siblings - she is your step daughter but if her dad is their biological dad then they are her half siblings not step. It might sound small but small things like that might make her not feel connected to them. I'm not trying to attack you or your OH's parenting but sometimes we can be blind to things right in front of us. My parents separated when I was a teen and they thought they'd done everything right and made it smooth and uncomplicated for me and my siblings but they were actually causing us all a lot of grief and upset and it wasn't until I, as the oldest, sat them down and pointed things out they saw what they were doing. Your step daughter I'm guessing was an only child when her parents split and didn't have the support I had with my siblings.

You need to speak to with a counselor for yourself as your trying to be there for your OH and while he has you to unload upon I'm guessing you have no one to help you as you don't want to burden your OH. You need to move past the notion of who is right and who is wrong. You mention several times about how she is the one in the wrong. It doesn't matter if she was 100% wrong, clearly there's deeper issues there that have caused this issue and if you do want to have a relationship with her your going to have to let some of that go I'm afraid. Again I'm not excusing what she has done but if you keep focusing on who was wrong and keeping score you will never repair this relationship.

LegacyUser

cant log in wrote: »

...There are some odd things in your posts like referring to your other children as her step siblings - she is your step daughter but if her dad is their biological dad then they are her half siblings not step. It might sound small but small things like that might make her not feel connected to them.

This struck me, too. I knew also a family where the older daughter was 10 or 11 years old when her mother started a new family (she lived with them), and she was so obviously lost, and didn't know her place in the "new" family. She was so insecure, and went on to develop an eating disorder. I think she just felt left out of things when her mother and step father had their own children together.

I don't know the best way to deal with such a situation; I'm just here to say maybe that is what is at the root of your step daughter's anger.

Graham_B18C

cant log in wrote: »

There are some odd things in your posts like referring to your other children as her step siblings - she is your step daughter but if her dad is their biological dad then they are her half siblings not step. It might sound small but small things like that might make her not feel connected to them.

While I can't really help with the main problem, I completely agree with this. I have 6 "half" brothers and sisters and would never call them anything other than my brothers and sisters. I hate it when someone tries to correct me on it by calling them half siblings, and I would really dislike it if my step mother or step father said it to me

LegacyUser

Hesitated replying to this but I'm just so fed up.
Thank you to the first poster for advice on coping with estangement.
I have spent the last year looking at our behaviour and blaming ourselves. Trying to see what we did wrong. After speaking to the samaritians i was told to stop that. I realise now there is a good chance we will never hear from her again. This fact is so painful for us, you cannot even imagine. I appreciate all advice telling us why this may have happened. I remain hopefull that one day we can sit down and discuss.
I just wanted to clarify that I have never called her siblings anything other than brothers/sisters to her. I would never do that. She herself referred to them as step brothers/sisters and i agree that it doesnt sound nice. I just wrote in the post to avoid confusion.

alias06

My final thoughts on this OP. It may be the case that she has made her decision to shut you out of her life completely and she may never want a rapprochement. She may feel its far too late. She has already moved on. If that is her decision then you will have to accept it. As you say this is very hard for you to deal with and you find yourself crying about it often. In that case counselling for you and your partner would be the way to go. There may be important lessons to be learnt. You have other children and you don't want the upset over this to damage your relationship with them as well.

Sometimes parents reject children. Sometimes children reject parents. Life can be hard sometimes.

The consequences of hurting a persons feelings or letting someone down are often irreversible because the wounded party chooses not to forgive. It happens all the time.