OH's family wedding

LegacyUser

Right, so i'll try and keep this as brief, and simple as possible. My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for just over 18 months (everything is going well).

She has 3 brothers, one of the brothers lives at home, and the other two live abroad (one in the USA, and one in OZ). The brother in USA is getting married this summer in Spain, and obviously we have been asked to go. It will be a very small wedding, with only about 16/17 guests (all family).

My OH has a weird relationship with her family...She is close to her mam, and the brother who lives at home. She went to visit her brother in America (the Groom) for two weeks about 12 months ago, and he and his fiance put her up and brought her out etc etc. She always maintains that this brother can be a bit homophobic at times (he does seems to care a lot for my OH but doesn't want to know much about her relationships etc). As far as I know they never actually had a falling out over it or anything like that.

Up until yesterday we had been speaking about booking flights etc, and she was actually kind of talking me into going (I was a bit nervous about going as it's all her family, and due to the whole gay thing I was afraid it may have been a bit awkward. Finally the cost of going was also a concern). However, we both agreed we would treat it as a kind of holiday as well as attending the wedding.

My OH went home to see her folks the other day, and now she has decided she's not going to the wedding. The brother getting married is the twin of the guy who lives in Ireland (who has already said he will not be attending the wedding). I feel really bad for the groom, not only does his twin not want to go, but now his only sister? Personally I feel it's bad form...I know the whole thing will be expensive, and it may be awkward but personally I think she should make the effort to go. I've tried to say it delicately to her; emphasizing the fact that the wedding is already so small that our presence would definitely be missed, and the fact that the groom's twin isn't going I think means we should make more of an effort to be there for this big occasion.

My OH just keeps saying 'it's not a big deal, they won't notice i'm not there, and i'm not spending all that money just to feel uncomfortable'. Am I wrong in thinking this is a tad selfish? I would like to add that i've met her parents a few times and they seem to like me and are pretty cool with the whole gay thing. I'm sure the groom will be too busy enjoying his wedding to be worried about the fact his gay sister is there with her partner!

I feel irrationally annoyed over this...I mean, as uncomfortable as it would be for her, it would be far more uncomfortable for me as I would be surrounded by her family, and stuck with them for a week, but yet I was willing to go to support her.

Basically, I don't know if I should drop it and keep my nose out of it, or whether I should try to encourage her to go as she may well regret not being there down the line. What do you folks think?

Tokyo

It's her family, and you don't know what might be going on in the background that has made her decide that she doesn't want to be there. Maybe she's found out that someone will be attending that she doesn't want to deal with, maybe something as come up between her and another member of her family, or a dozen other things. You can encourage her along the lines of "it's be a shame for you to miss your brother's wedding" to a point, but you can't force her hand on the issue.

Meauldsegosha

AmIJustified? wrote: »

I've tried to say it delicately to her; emphasizing the fact that the wedding is already so small that our presence would definitely be missed, and the fact that the groom's twin isn't going I think means we should make more of an effort to be there for this big occasion.

You've made your opinion known and that is as much as you can do. If you try to force the issue you will just annoy your partner.

Colser

What about if you suggest thats shes goes along on her own with her parents? Would that make any difference do you think? It might be that her brother only wants immediate family at the wedding...family weddings seem to create drama/friction at times in my opinion....Hope it works out ok whatever ye decide to do..

tinkerbell

OP, there's something else going on here if suddenly the groom's twin brother and his sister don't want to attend the wedding .... You haven't said why they don't want to go?

LegacyUser

His twin brother and sister don't want to go to the wedding, doesn't sound like she is close to him so I'm confused as to why your pushing so hard for her to attend this wedding? Have you even met him? I don't really understand why it's selfish, they aren't close, not everyone is close with their siblings. He's having a small wedding in another country, I don't think he's really going to care if you, your OH and the brother don't attend.

Do you worry that his family will somehow hold you to blame if she doesn't go? It's her family and her choice, just offer to support which ever choice she makes and don't push it or your going to just end up fighting over some guys wedding you both don't seem to care about.

Big Bag of Chips

Have you asked her why she doesn't want to go? You say she visited home a few days ago, but only yesterday after talking about flights etc decided that she doesn't want to go. You seem to be taking her decision not to go personally, when the reality is likely to be something completely unrelated.

The only thing you can do is talk to her. There is no point second guessing her decision. And whatever she decides you have to support her. It's her family, her brother, her choice.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Have you asked her why she doesn't want to go? You say she visited home a few days ago, but only yesterday after talking about flights etc decided that she doesn't want to go. You seem to be taking her decision not to go personally, when the reality is likely to be something completely unrelated.

The only thing you can do is talk to her. There is no point second guessing her decision. And whatever she decides you have to support her. It's her family, her brother, her choice.

Replying on my phone so apologies in advance for any spelling mistakes.

Firstly the brother who is not attending seems to have some issues. He has a very short fuse and is irrational at the best of times. He is the sibling my OH Is closest too, yet he has at times treated her badly. I'm not 100 percent sure what happened between him and the groom but they haven't really spoken in a few years

When my OH told me she wasn't going she just said it was because she was thinking about it, and felt she would feel uncomfortable and that the money was too much. Both points I can appreciate, but something is not sitting well with me. Seeing as her and the groom appear to have a good enough relationship I can't understand why she won't go. I suggested that we stay elsewhere, stay for a shorter amount of time, or that she go on her own. All options were met with excuses as to why they wouldn't work.

I think I just have to bite my tongue and let her make up her own mind. As someone said, it's her family not mine.