Do I have a right to be upset?

LegacyUser

I posted anonymously about this a while ago, but I can't find the post anymore. Sincere thanks to anybody who offered advice, it was lovely to hear and I took on board what I could.

To make a very long story short my ex became depressed, went on anti depressants and completely flipped personalities and called it off with me over the phone one afternoon "because he felt like it". Needless to say I was devastated, and I had a hell of a time coming to terms with it. It's one thing to have a relationship slowly break down, it felt like another thing entirely to have a person you love go through something so difficult and just have them disappear like a puff of smoke. He begged me to be friends, and put me through hell over it, calling me irrational when I said I needed time to think about it and saying I was over reacting and that I didn't have the right to say I didn't want to be friends until I had a doctor confirm I was mentally stable (which later expanded to we can't be friends until a doctor confirms I'm stable...)

It took me about month to come to terms with whether I wanted to stay in contact on any level or not, but eventually I said we could try, and as soon as I said that, he stopped trying to contact me at all. Eventually I rang him just to say "Hey, what's up? I haven't heard from you in a while." His response was to say "No reason specifically, just didn't feel like it". We had a couple of texts back and forth that were friendly, which was nice, and I even agreed I would go to support him at an event with some other friends later on in the month.

I found out last night he has been seeing (possibly/probably slept with) one of my closest friends.

I feel sick. I feel disgusting. I feel like a damned fool. Literally 24 hours ago I was in a great mood thinking it was nice we were back speaking again, thinking it was great we were going to an event together as a group. I cried on that girl's shoulder over this. She was so sympathetic. She was angry with him over his behavior. And now she's seeing him. Now she's spending the night in his house. I feel like they've both played me for a fool. Inviting me out, both saying independently how happy they were I was going to come out. She lamented we weren't a couple anymore because it mean't that a small core group of mutual friends just wouldn't be the same anymore.

It feels like I've lost everything. 4 months ago I was the happiest person you could meet. I woke up every single morning feeling grateful. Even after the breakup I went around thinking I'm so lucky to have so many good friends. And now this.

What the hell did I do to deserve this? Should I just be happy for them? I don't even know if I'm justified in feeling so angry and so sick. I always thought people getting together was a nice thing. But I can't stomach this, I can't. I deleted both of their numbers and both of them off Facebook because I didn't want to contact either of them in a way I would regret. Neither of them know I know. I don't even know how I would, could or should react if I were to bump into either of them. It's only been 3 months since the break up after we were over 5 years together...

Merkin

How reliable is your source? I would never make any assumptions based on hearsay, would you not prefer to hear it directly?

ABajaninCork

I'd ask the question direct to either your ex, your friend or both. I seriously doubt you'll get the full strength though.

But either way. Park both of them up and move forward. You deserve better.

AulBiddy

Try not to get mad just yet until you know this for certain even though I know its hard not to
Maybe you should confront your friend first and ask if its true, if it is she's not a true friend, and you don't deserve it. If not, apologise for the accusation

username123

For your own sake would you please cut contact with this guy!!

You have only been broken up 3 months! Thats NOTHING. Sure, ex's can stay in touch sometimes, but usually only after a considerable period of no contact which allows both people the time to move on.

You are simply self flagellating to be in touch so soon after a harrowing break up.

You dont even know whats going on with the other friend and look at how even the possibility is making you sick. You are not ready to hear about what he is up to and who he is seeing.

You need to take some responsibility for yourself here. The best thing you can do for yourself is break away entirely, do not have any contact at all with this guy or anyone who would give you updates on his life - and if there are people who you want still in your life who would do that you need to ask them NOT TO. Anything else is just going to end up a complete head wreck for you.

NickyL

I agree with the advice above. You don't need this guy as a friend. Best to cut all ties from him.

Regarding your friend, ask her directly whether she is now involved with your ex. If she is, then I wouldn't consider her a very good friend and would cut ties with her too if I was in your situation.

LegacyUser

Well I spoke with my friend. According to her this is a very recent development instigated primarily by him. He has asked her out on a couple of dates and although they haven't slept together they wanted to see "how it would go".

He's very keen apparently. She's more on the fence. She said it would almost be easier if she had absolutely no interest or was utterly head over heels, but at the moment she was neither.

I told her I was done with him. He's played me for a fool and I don't owe him anything, I don't owe it to him to speak to him, or be civil to him or be in the same room as him. I said whether they continue with it or not was up to them, and that I didn't want to loose a friend as well, but if she went down that road that would be the last time I spoke to her. It was a really civil conversation, and afterwards it was so hard not to lapse into chat about normal things. But I just stood up and walked out.

I don't know if I was right or wrong. But I feel like I've been shot. I never wanted to loose anybody. Least of all two of the closest people to me.

Magicmatilda

I think you've done the right thing.

To be honest I think it would be easier to cope with this if she was mad about him and in love. But the fact that she was willing to risk your friendship, and she must have known that she was risking the friendship, on the basis of such a flimsy attraction, you say she is on the fence, would make me reconsider the friendship.

Sure how could you hang out with her and discuss her life with him. Maybe a bit down the line when you have fully moved on but not while you are still healing.

Definitely cut contact with him, look at why you felt the need to have any contact with someone who treated you so badly, figure out what you want from life and start to try and achieve that. The pain will pass eventually.

CaraMay

Well done op. You have behaved in an impeccable manner. Sad to think her barrel is so small that she has to dare your ex within months of ye breaking up. She is just out for herself and frankly her actions baffle me.

Keep your head up and move on from the pair of them,

LegacyUser

Thank you everyone. It helps to get this out. I'm crying as I type this. If I had done something horribly wrong this would make sense. At every step along the way. Right from before the break up, to after it and even now I just tried to do my best. I never set out to make anybody unhappy. I just don't understand why they had to do this, both of them.

CaraMay

exiswithmyfriend wrote: »

Thank you everyone. It helps to get this out. I'm crying as I type this. If I had done something horribly wrong this would make sense. At every step along the way. Right from before the break up, to after it and even now I just tried to do my best. I never set out to make anybody unhappy. I just don't understand why they had to do this, both of them.

Look isn't he better off with the likes of her than messing your head around. That relationship will go nowhere and you can walk away with your pride intact

There are nicer men out there

dark crystal

Your friend is a snake. Anyone who is willing to hurt and betray their friend over someone they're not even mad about isn't a real friend. Did she even offer an apology?

The fact she kept it from you, whilst talking from the other side of her mouth is even more hurtful. Would you have done such a thing to her?

My advice would be to distance yourself from both of them and move on with your life. Best of luck, OP.

wirelessdude01

CaraMay wrote: »

Look isn't he better off with the likes of her than messing your head around. That relationship will go nowhere and you can walk away with your pride intact

There are nicer men out there

That isn't always the case and it is wrong to let the OP believe it. It could or it couldn't. Both of them are grown adults and as such can do what they want. The lad sounds like a bit of a pleb to be fair. If this 'relationship' takes off then the OP will have a decision down the line whether she cuts the friend off for good.

Matteroffact

I can see how all of this is hurtful to you OP but your ex broke up with you before any of this started and he was free to date whoever he pleased who would agree to date him. Even if your friend refused to date him because of you it would not alter the fact that he wants to date her. You need to get all of this into perspective. I would not fall out with your friend just because she is now dating your ex. Whether they date or not he is not going back to you and that is the bottom line, and that is what you have to come to terms with. You are entitled to be hurt because you have lost him but I don't think that you are entitled to ostracize your friend because she is dating him.

Colser

Hi OP...I have to say that while I would be very hurt at how he treated you I would be very angry at my friend....I presume that she knew alot about what had happened between you and your ex and yet she jumped into a relationship very quickly with him...also in her conversation with you she seems to be implying that that it kind of just happened as if she had no control over it....I can sertainly see why you are so upset and while of course they may go onto live happily ever after I would bet that it wont last long..take care...

Ande1975

Op,

I just read through your opening post again and all I can say is with friends like these who needs enemies.

Look back at how your ex treated you. He as you said put you through hell during the breakup and aftermath and it took you a month or so (?) to become friends. You can't become friends with an ex so soon. You still have feelings for him. I genuinely mean this as we've all done this, its perfectly natural to tie the hope of getting back together with being friends. We may not consciously think it...but its there.
You need to take care of you and feel good. Being around him doesn't make you feel good about yourself so cut him loose.

Your friend. Now something is a bit off there. I don't buy her story that she's on the fence with him. Yes perhaps he's pushing for a relationship but if she was genuinely on the fence -why bother? She held your hand through the breakup, told you she would love it if ye got back together etc etc. She's a wolf in sheep's clothing. Not a true friend. She is telling you she's on the fence and shifting the blame on your ex to take the spotlight off her. Classy!

I'm sorry OP but you don't need these people in your life right now as they are not your friends.
Good luck xxx

superelliptic

Matteroffact wrote: »

I can see how all of this is hurtful to you OP but your ex broke up with you before any of this started and he was free to date whoever he pleased who would agree to date him. Even if your friend refused to date him because of you it would not alter the fact that he wants to date her. You need to get all of this into perspective. I would not fall out with your friend just because she is now dating your ex. Whether they date or not he is not going back to you and that is the bottom line, and that is what you have to come to terms with. You are entitled to be hurt because you have lost him but I don't think that you are entitled to ostracize your friend because she is dating him.

Don't know that I'd agree with that statement.

I'd consider it a severe breach of trust between myself and any of my friends if they did that to me. Its true that the OP's ex is certainly free to take an interest in anyone he pleases but the OP's friend has acted in a thoroughly selfish manner. Having an iota of empathy and tact would have led her to reject the OP's ex's advances. I mean, what would it be like for the OP when she visits her 'friend'? Is she going to have to share the couch with her ex while he's watching the footie and getting cosy with her mate??

OP, obviously no one here knows the details of your relationship beyond what you have posted, but what you have described certainly doesn't sound like anything you should be blaming yourself for. You are not responsible for your ex and your 'friend's' bad behaviour, and sometimes people close to us let us down. What you choose to do regarding cutting your friend off is something that you have to decide for yourself but to answer the subject of your original post - yes you do have the right to be upset. Just don't stay upset for long. Not every relationship will work out they way this one did.

username123

What kind of a friend would start dating their friends ex of 5 years within 3 months of a nasty breakup?

Seriously! Your friends are supposed to have your back, not stab your back!

It's a horribly selfish way for both the ex and the friend to behave, and clearly neither of them care about hurting the OP.

yabbadabbadoo

It's an irritating fact but for all you know the ex and the friend could end up married, stranger things have happened (sorry OP), so I wouldn't give them too much to talk about in terms of your reaction (some people just love the drama). Cut contact with ex and keep the friend at a distance, a very, very long distance. Keep it cordial, sure, but accept that she isn't part of your life anymore.
Personally I wouldn't go 'giving out' to either one of them, they can do as they please... and don't expect to get the full story either... remember everything you say to one will be discussed and dissected with the other... you will get no satisfaction from this situation.
I hope you have some good single times & then meet someone great

OP you definitely have a right to be upset.

Your ex should have more sense. Your friend should have more loyalty.

They're both single, and have every right to date, but they've shown no regard for you in the situation. Neither of them warned you or talked to you about it, let alone waiting and giving you some time.

If your friend or your ex had come to you, explained that they really cared about/liked each other, and talked to you about it first, you'd have a right to be personally upset but would have to try to understand where they're coming from and leave them to it. But to just start going on dates, not a word to you about it, and carry on like you and your feelings don't matter? I'd find that inexcusable.

LegacyUser

true-or-false wrote: »

OP you definitely have a right to be upset.

Your ex should have more sense. Your friend should have more loyalty.

They're both single, and have every right to date, but they've shown no regard for you in the situation. Neither of them warned you or talked to you about it, let alone waiting and giving you some time.

If your friend or your ex had come to you, explained that they really cared about/liked each other, and talked to you about it first, you'd have a right to be personally upset but would have to try to understand where they're coming from and leave them to it. But to just start going on dates, not a word to you about it, and carry on like you and your feelings don't matter? I'd find that inexcusable.

This would sum up exactly how I feel. I wasn't able to phrase it myself. If either of them had sat me down and explained they were mad about each other, I still would have been upset, but there would have been some comfort in the fact that they cared enough to let me know. Instead I have to find out via a third party and from her response and his silence I can only figure neither of them give a toss.

This is tough. The shock has worn off a bit now and a new dull grief has set in. Just the thoughts that there's two people in my life who I've lost. But I'm trying to take comfort in that, that's not my fault. Or at least I don't think it is.

yabbadabbadoo

Of course it's not your fault.

I would also find her spiel about being on the fence a bit suspect. Reeks of 'it wasn't me...' she doesn't want to take responsibility here.

But none of that matters, it really doesn't. Sadly, he's long gone, even if it's only 3 mnths, and yes, she probably is serious enough about him.

I'm sure you feel like you've been punched, but deep down, don't you think if you'd hung around for contact/'friendship' with him you would always be hoping his feelings would change towards you again? And yeah, I know, that was his idea etc. etc., but maybe you're avoiding headwreck further down the line.

I know it's really hard but try not to make this situation the focus of your hurt and anger. Ok, so they didn't inform you... yes, it was bad form of her to listen to you talk about him... but you would have been informed by them sooner of later if it continued. And sadly, even if they'd followed all the right 'etiquette' you would still ultimately be left feeling hurt and rejected.

The good news is those feelings won't last forever. Meantime, think dignity and lots of distance.

sparts

yabbadabbadoo wrote: »

Of course it's not your fault.

I would also find her spiel about being on the fence a bit suspect. Reeks of 'it wasn't me...' she doesn't want to take responsibility here.

But none of that matters, it really doesn't. Sadly, he's long gone, even if it's only 3 mnths, and yes, she probably is serious enough about him.

I'm sure you feel like you've been punched, but deep down, don't you think if you'd hung around for contact/'friendship' with him you would always be hoping his feelings would change towards you again? And yeah, I know, that was his idea etc. etc., but maybe you're avoiding headwreck further down the line.

I know it's really hard but try not to make this situation the focus of your hurt and anger. Ok, so they didn't inform you... yes, it was bad form of her to listen to you talk about him... but you would have been informed by them sooner of later if it continued. And sadly, even if they'd followed all the right 'etiquette' you would still ultimately be left feeling hurt and rejected.

The good news is those feelings won't last forever. Meantime, think dignity and lots of distance.

Totally agree with the above post, hold your head up high girl you done nothing wrong, concentrate on you !