Anyone else find single-life a minefield???

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

Im a 27 year old female and been single a year now after being in a relationship for five years and have found myself coming into a whole new single world that honestly baffles me.

The first thing that baffles me is that almost every guy (bar one) I have given my number to has almost immediately sent me a topless selfie proclaiming that he needs to "get toned". And in general the majority of men I meet seem to be obsessed with their bodies and the gym. Don't get me wrong, I love to keep fit and am all for a healthy lifestyle but goodness I believe there has to be a balance and I don't remember guys taking themselves so seriously. Where have all the normal men gone? And for us ladies, I am an average looking girl, I keep fit and take care of myself but it seems that in this single world I now need hair extensions, false eyelashes and full make up before I step outside the door. I just feel the standard of beauty now is through the roof and also so false, I will never even complete.

A huge majority of my friends meet people online and this to me is also a whole new world. Some dating sites seem so shallow to me and I would hate to judge someone only on their appearance (I know not all dating websites are like this btw, just a particular one my friends seem to use). But again I seem to be the exception to the rule as my friends think its odd that I don't meet people in this way.

And third but by no means least...game playing. I know this has always been an aspect of single life but since becoming single I cant get over the game playing that goes on. I am just a normal person and I am sure I have been guilty of a certain amount of game playing but I just think its so hard to find someone genuine who is just normal. And I don't mean just men here-us ladies seem to take game playing to a while new level. And when I just want to be real my friends seem to think I am ridiculously forward and advice that I should be more "strategic". Holy god, I just don't have the want or energy to play such games.

Does anyone else find the single-world a minefield?

There is a strong possibility that I am the one with the issue here and have just been out of the loop for too long-maybe I just need to get with the times. Urgh!

Holsten

Haha wow, that really happens with guys? Are these chaps younger or something? I'd never do anything like that even if I was an Adonis! Soooo cringy.

That whole fake look can be attractive, but it's nothing special, I mean when the make up and everything else comes off you can be in for quite a shock. I'd prefer more natural looking women. I wouldn't change the way you look too drastically if you're not comfortable.

Game playing is huge, especially here in Ireland but I find it will cut down to near completely stop after the first few weeks. I think your attitude towards being forward is fantastic and refreshing!

I didn't find it a minefield at all, it was fun but got boring quick. I don't think you've any issue at all, I get where you're coming from but it must be a whole different level if you're female.

Youzername

I completely agree op.

I'm looking at it from the other side though.

Admittedly I'm not the most confident guy in the world when it comes to approaching girls, if I get talking to them I am fine though.

I've been complimented on my looks so I'm not worried about that too.

But anytime I do talk to a woman, its just not as straight forward as that... Theres games to be played, things going on behind the scenes and all that crap, why can't they just be straight forward??

beks101

Great post OP - something I've thought about before but not quite articulated as a fully functioning idea, I spent a long time single and I suppose when you're used to the status quo you don't really question it.

Online dating has certainly revolutionised the single scene and the way people go about attracting a potential partner - it's provoked this kind of hook up culture I think that by its nature is quite superficial and heavily focused on appearance, to the point where more wholesome traits can fall down the list.

I'd be the same as you, I take pride in my appearance and enjoy making an effort but the whole fake nails/hair/tan/eyelashes lark is just a different culture to me and it's something I could never partake in or take seriously - don't have the time or inclination and mostly it's beyond me how it's the new standard of 'beauty' these days. And if you're in any way self-conscious about your appearance and stick around online for long enough, it'll create a sense of inadequacy that is probably what drives many people to conform.

The gym obsession, selfies in front of a mirror, selfies lifting weights etc...good grief. BUT again, in this consumer driven sort of convenience-culture of dating it's kind of par for the course - ramp up the physical to get the most amount of hits etc.

Personally I never hung around online for long because of that, I like to think of myself as attractive but it's certainly not my only or greatest asset and not how I've ever been raised to sell myself.

I met my current bf through a work conference and we built up a friendship over months as we both lived in different countries - based not on sending selfies to each other every 5 minutes, but on shooting the breeze about work stuff and hobbies/interests we have in common, until we both ended up in the same country again.

I think given your level of discomfort with the 'status quo', you should probably focus on the things that DO interest you and express your personality - any hobbies or interests such as travelling, cooking, education, team sports etc - and just focus on trying to meet men and make some male friends that way. Surrounding yourself with likeminded people is really the key - someone who's on the same page as you and doesn't think a pic of his toned midriff is all it will take to spark your interest!

And please don't conform, womankind needs you!

czechlin

It's a total minefield.
I've been single for quite some time (which also might be the problem, maybe I'm just too used to it) but I'm not sure what's going on with people lately. It all seems to be about mind games and looks and other superficial nonsense. Not only that I don't have a patience for it but I am not interested in such things.

I'm quite happy with the way I look, I like to take care of myself but like mentioned above I also don't do the fake anything (lashes, tan, hair etc.), I don't do selfies in the bathroom and I don't base my life on my looks. I think I've got other qualities :rolleyes:

I think the whole game playing and being strategic is the most annoying part.
I usually give up and get on with my business. Like you said OP, there's always been a bit of that but lately I think it's a bit of an extreme for my liking. I was told that I'm very honest so maybe that's where the problem is.
Tried online dating years ago and lasted about 3 months. I know it works for some but I don't think I'm one of them. I've been thinking about it lately but I can't bring myself to do it.

So no, you're not alone in this. Hang in there, it'll be grand