Quiet at lunch

LegacyUser

Seen a thread around here recently about a guy who felt bad for sitting alone at lunch and it kind of resonated with me. Basically I've had a bit of anxiety in groups of more than 3 people my entire life. Probably stems from the fact im an only child and never had a big group of friends. Anyway, I work for a company where there are around 9 people of my age, and we usually go for lunch in a group. My problem is that I can be ridiculously quiet at lunch because im not comfortable being myself in front of like 4-8 other people. I laugh along with what people are saying and say yes in agreement sometimes, but that is usually the sum total of my contribution at lunch time. I feel that this is a wider reflection on my personality and people will just think im boring or have nothing to say. Im quite good at 2/3 person interactions, but have found myself being ignored when we walk back in groups of 2-3 back from lunch and i'm not assertive enough to just step into a conversation and start talking. If I say anything during lunch I usually get a looks that are basically saying "wow, he actually said something". I'm 22 years old but I feel that if im like that at this stage of life, it's a personality trait which is set in stone. I'll be honest - I don't particularly enjoy small talk. But This means I will continue to struggle to make new friends in any work environment. And in my current work environment if they already think im quiet, there's feck all I can do to change this isn't there?

December2012

Well you can't say they're ignoring you if you've given them nothing to interact with?

So, can you become more interested in the small talk topics, or other lunch topics?

Also it might seem small but you can use your voice and have people think you're contributing to conversations without saying a lot; eg

Someone makes a joke; instead of just smiling you could say "that's funny" while smiling;
Somebody tells a story, instead of saying nothing, you could throw in an odd "no way / that's cool " as appropriate;
Things like saying hello, goodbye, please, thanks really help.

If you want to ask questions, ask open ended "soft" ones - ones that cannot be answered by a yes / no. Eg "have you got a lot of work to get through today?" Is a yes / no question and this can stunt a conversation. A better question would be "what kind of work are you up to today?"

If you've all just started then everybody will want to make a few lunch buddies.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I know it's probably a symptom of the anxiety you feel, but can I ask why you equate "quiet" with "boring"? I've known a few very quiet and shy people in my life - and I would never think of any of them as boring! To me a boring person is someone who drones on and on with drivel. If I meet someone who is shy or quiet, I usually think "they are shy or quiet"! But I wouldn't think it in negative terms, I would think it the same way as I would think someone else was "outgoing" or "good looking" or "loud"! It's just an observation.

I know when you are shy and it's a personality trait about yourself that you are very uncomfortable with, you tend to feel everyone else sees it as a bad thing too. But I'd guess few do. Some people are shy, some are loud, centre-of-attention types, and most people are somewhere in the middle. But unless you are rude or dismissive of others then people tend to live and let live.

There are things you can try work on to come across as less quiet.. as December suggests above - ask open ended questions. And so what if you are more comfortable in smaller groups? People will also notice that and won't force anything on you that you are not comfortable with. There is nothing wrong with being quiet. Every single person in the world will have some aspect of their personality that they are insecure about, and something that they think everyone else notices too. But that is rarely the case. If you want to be more outgoing, then you are just going to have to try harder to push yourself into conversations. But do it for you, not because you think others have an opinion one way or another about you!

Jack Skellington

Well, don't avoid small talk altogether if you can op, I hate(d) it as well but sometimes you just have to go through the small talk to get to more meaningful conversations, better to go through it if your goal is to make friends rather than cutting yourself off completely imo,it's a bit of a pay off because it can be tedious but I think you'll find a lot of people are open to talking about more interesting/ deeper things, small talk can be a good way to get the ball rolling I guess.

LegacyUser

OP I am the exact same as you. For years I have struggled with not being able to speak in a group of more the about 2-3 other people. I am fine in a smaller group and I am actually quite good at presentations IN FRONT of a group but as seen as there are more then 3 other people there and I am within the group rather then in front of it, I can rarely say more then a couple of words without breaking out in a cold sweet! In the situation you describe I would be exactly the same.

I don't know where this comes from, I was bullied very badly at school and I have often wondered if it was something to do with that and, like you, I am an only child and have never had a large group of friends, so maybe it's that too.

If the OP is the same as me, I think some of the posters here are missing the point to some extent, it's no that the OP can't think of anything to say and needs to resort to asking certain question in order to get some kind of conversations going. It's that he/she can't bring himself/herself to actually say anything at all. If she/he could they might be able to contribute of interesting and witty comments to the group but the anxiety is preventing the words from coming out. There have been many occasions where I been dying to share something very funny/interesting/poignant with the group but I just CANT. It is very frustrating.

I also don't think the OP necessarily things that quiet equated to boring. I don't think a lot of people do, but some do and if you're sitting there in silence a lot of time I can see how people might jump to that mistaken conclusion. There is nothing wrong with being shy/quiet, shy people are just as likely to be interesting, funny and intelligent as anyone else but you don't always get the opportunity to put those positive attributes across if you are shy, you miss out on some of the 'banter' (I hate that word) other people have and sometimes miss out on developing a social bond with people and making new friends as easily. I doubt the OP wants to become a loudmouth centre of attention type if that's not them, they shouldn't want to anyway, but would just like the opportunity to relax and enjoy these social situations and have a laugh in them like everyone else.

OP in recent years I have made a conscious effort to improve and I think I have made some progress. You have to force yourself to say few small things in a group. I would really recommend finding a group of people you are particularly interested in talking with and feel comfortable with. I picked up a new hobby which involved discussing a topic I loved and was knowledgeable about. Because I knew what I was talking about and cared about it, speaking out became slightly less scary. Once I had got used to speaking up (a little) more in that group then I started making myself do it more in other groups. Ii still have the problem but it's getting little better and I hope it will continue to improve, think baby steps. I have also heard that taking acting lessons have helped some people put with this as you can get used to your own voice being heard out load in front of people, I can see how that might work but I have never really fancied it myself.

bee06

OP is used to be like you when I was your age as well. I used to go bright red when I was talking to a group of more than 2 or 3 people. The key for me to getting over it was gradually pushing myself to make more of a effort in group conversations. This can start of by just starting a conversation with a few of the people around you in the group so you're not necessarily talking to the whole group straight away so you can get comfortable with speaking when there is a big group but you still have the safety of knowing that not everyone is listening and looking at you (hope that makes sense!).

I'm 31 now and I still wouldn't feel 100% comfortable with speaking to a large group where I don't know the people very well but I just push myself to do it anyway because I know the more I do something uncomfortable the easier it will get.

loalae

There's a really good book called "Quiet" by Susan Cain and I suggest you read it. It's about introversion, why being quiet has for some reason been linked with boring or odd, and how to appreciate your own unique qualities that come from being quieter.

You aren't weird for not being comfortable in bigger groups or for not liking small talk. You can only be who you are, yes making an effort to assert yourself is a good idea but you'll shine more in situations that you're comfortable with. So I'd advise that you try to get to know people one-on-one and build up relationships that way. Instead of making yourself talk in front of the whole group focus your energy on talking to the smaller groups when you're walking back after lunch. You don't need to change your personality, you just need to accept who you are manage your responses to difficult situations.

Holsten

You can change it if you really want to.

I hate the small talk of the work place, does my head in so I avoid it completely. I could sit there and bull**** and waffle on with the best of them no problem but I don't.

If you think it will make your work life more pleasant to be in with the group then try to get it sorted, but work friendships are as fickle as they come.

dazey

First off, I also suffer from social anxiety although mine is a bit different to yours so I feel your pain. Take solace in the fact that witihin your group there are several dynamics at work which keep most people from acting how they would truly like to - the woman who feels bullied out of talking in meetings, the guy that has a seriously fancies his co-worker, the person that is possibly interviewing for other places becuase they hate their co-workers so much etc. etc.

Therapy is always an option, and you can always change. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is not as scary as it sounds, and works at meeting specific goals. Your one could be interacting in large groups. You go a few times and hope to see an improvement. You can go to see someone suited to your age and male or female whichever you prefer. I think most people could benefit from some sort of therapy however brief.

Also ...it's not entirely abnormal to not want to make small talk with a large group you hardly know. You are young so I would imagine you are not long in the job?? In which case it can take considerable time before you can reveal yourself and learn to trust others. The natural rapport these people have with each other may be down to the fact they've worked together for a long time gone to each others parties etc.

One technique that really helps me is to just breath. That is from my therapist. In and out, ignore the conversation and just be there. It can be incredibly calming. If you want to branch in to discussion have a few 'safe' topics to talk about, a recent news story, plans for the weekend etc. Good Luck