Am I asking too much?

LegacyUser

I've been with my other half for 5 years, living together one year. We get on great, have lots in common and are generally happy. We are in our mid 20s.

The problem is with our living situation. I don't drive, and my job is a two hour journey away from where we are living, each way on public transport. It was really hard for me to get this job and I'm really happy in it. My bf works in a central location, around 20 mins from where we live but his family and friends are 1.5 hours away, in the opposite direction to my work. I've been commuting 4 hours a day for the last year and it's too much for me. I want to move a bit nearer to my work (an hour each way would be okay) but my bf won't move any further from his family and friends. We both see our families regularly. He doesn't drive much for health reasons so it takes 1.5 hours to get to where he's from. I am learning to drive but honestly it will put a big financial strain on me to run a car and I'd rather just move nearer and use public transport. Am I being unreasonable to expect my bf to move with me? If we moved, he would be around 2 hours away and I would be 1.5 hours away from my family (I'm near my family now but it's not an important factor to me when moving). We have argued endlessly about this and he has said I should leave my job rather than move or that I can move by myself and then he will move back to where he's from. But I think after 5 years we shouldn't be taking a step backwards like that and I don't see how it can work out. I don't know what to do, I don't want to quit a job I love just because of him but I also can't spend so long commuting. We are really stuck on this one.

Tokyo

You don't mention what your current living arrangements are OP - are you renting together, or have you bought a place together? Obviously the former makes it a lot easier to up sticks than the latter.

But honestly, if this is to be a long term relationship, given the geographical distances of your respective jobs, at some stage one of you is realistically going to have to change jobs - the distances involved at the moment are just too great, no matter where you move. I know it's not necessarily what you want to hear, but have either of you looked into that possibility? Obviously the flexibility of your respective jobs would be an issue here, but if you are planning on staying together, it's on the cards at some stage - might be good to have that conversation sooner rather than later...

LegacyUser

We are currently renting, our lease is up so we are looking for somewhere new at the moment. Thanks for your input Mike.

LegacyUser

you need to learn to drive OP.
It's not fair on your bf to have to move to accommodate you being near a public transport route, especially if he can't drive for health reasons. What happens In the future if you lose your job or whatnot or find a new one and you're not near a public transport route? he should up and move further away again just because you don't have a car/can't drive?

It's crazy to allow your job prospects and home to depend on being close to a bus route/train route in a longterm relationship. What if you have kids in the future who'll take them to school etc?

December2012

Learn to drive, it will give you more opportunities in the long run.

The Princess Bride

You both see your families regularly-this is great, but surely staying employed and not being wrecked every day because of commuting, is priority here.
Is it possible for family/friends to visit you occasionally?

You've already said that you are learning to drive-would you consider buying a moped, perhaps?
You say he doesn't drive much-does this mean he doesn't have a car, or does -just seldom uses it?
If that is the case, could you use it?

I'd suggest, you both sit down and write out a list of pros and cons of living where you are versus other locations; buying a vehicle versus continuing with public transport - when it's written there in black and white,it might become more obvious that compromise is not only necessary, but possible too.

Holsten

Your job is more important than him having to travel a bit more to see family/friends.

Being wrecked every single day from a commute is horrible, I've done it before, it leaves you with no life at all.

I'd push to move, even if you do start driving will that be any easier?!. Why he is so against it I have no idea.