Called the 'C' word by my mother

LegacyUser

Hi,

I've had a really difficult few months and things just keep on getting worse for me when I think they are going to improve so I'm hoping it will help me to post here.

I'm at all an time low tonight, sitting in bed crying in the dark.

I got a message l from my mother earlier on who had obviously not realised that my phone had gone through to voicemail. In the background her and my dad were talking about me and my mother referred to me as a 'sour pig' and an 'awful c**t'. I'm not surprised by the language but I'm just so hurt and upset that this is what they think of me and how they speak about me. What's worse is I had actually rang about making plans to celebrate my mothers 60th birthday next week and this is what she was ringing me back about. (She knew this).

The language doesn't surprise me as both of my parents are quite volatile people and I would have regularly been called such names when being given out to by them as a child/teenager and this sort of language is the norm for them but I find it seriously upsetting and would never speak to people like that whereas it is somewhat normal for them. I think I'm taking it harder because I thought it was more something they would say in the heat of the moment to me in an argument but not out of the blue when I wasn't even there or had not done or said anything.

I was too upset to ring her back so I just text saying I overheard what she had said about me and it was hurtful and apologised for not being happier lately but I'm going through a rough time. I'm usually a very outgoing and bubbly person but have been going though a very tough time lately financially, career wise and personally and I have become very quiet around them. My mom just text back saying 'ok'.

I just feel so low and weak at the moment and when I think things are turning for me they keep getting worse and now this, I just feel like I'm being kicked constantly when I'm down. I'm not going to not speak to my parents as I don't believe in rifts or holding grudges but I find it so hard that a mother could speak about her daughter like this for basically no reason. The type of people that they are, there is no point bringing it up again saying I'm hurt/disappointed by the language etc because it doesn't hold the same severity for them and I've said this before but nothing has changed.

I don't know what I want to achieve by posting this but typing it out will hopefully calm me down a little.

Thanks for listening.

P. Breathnach

My first reaction is that you need a hug, so I send you a virtual one: (( )).

Tetra

Your mother reminds me of my mother. She never called me that name, but she did break me the day she told me she wished that I had never been born.

I too used to cry myself to sleep over it. However with the help of my therapist I have come to accept that this is who she is. She has an illness and even more baggage than I do. She is in her 60s and I doubt she is going to change. The only one who can change here is me.

I have no control over her behaviour. I only have control over myself. I could not keep getting upset every time she had one of her rages. It was killing me.

I had to put some distance between us. I speak to her politely, I do not engage or try to argue back when she has one of her "fits". I just leave the room.

I have found that I am more at peace and I hope you will be too.

You are not alone.

CaraMay

I don't understand why you apologise to her after she treats you like that?!?!? Exclude them from your life until they learn how to treat you.

alias06

Start making plans to distance yourself from your parents long term. You don't have to shut them out of your life completely - few people choose to do this - but you need put a safe distance between you and them so they don't make you feel so crap. They become a less important part of your life.

Your parents are probably not very happy people. They probably carry a lot of baggage, have been treated badly themselves, etc. See it as their issue. Establish a safe distance. Rely on others for support.

Sleepy

A word can only hurt you if you choose to let it.

Would you be so offended by the words "cock", "dick", "tit", "ass" or "pussy"? If not, realise that "cunt" is just another vulgar word for a part of the human anatomy and that it doesn't actually make any more sense as an insult than calling someone an elbow.

Are your parents in any way a positive influence in your life? If so, do the positives outweigh the negative? If not, why bother with them any more?

sadie06

Come on, calling someone the C word carries a lot of weight and is considered by many the most offensive name you can call someone. I see your thinking behind saying it's just another word, but the fact is it's not, especially when it comes from your mother.

OP, I really feel for you, and think that you have a very strong character to have emerged with such dignity from an upbringing where you were subjected to verbal abuse. You are clearly suffering from very low self esteem, evident in your apology to your parents, when they should have been the ones apologising.

I also feel you need to distance yourself from them. Busy yourself with free activities if finances are low. Make your life so busy you can only spare short periods of time for your parents. When finances improve, try some counselling or a group course to work on your self esteem.

Best of luck. You sound like a lovely person and I hope things improve soon. You need to make sure that your parents have little influence on your personal happiness!

Sleepy

sadie06 wrote: »

Come on, calling someone the C word carries a lot of weight and is considered by many the most offensive name you can call someone. I see your thinking behind saying it's just another word, but the fact is it's not, especially when it comes from your mother.

It only carries weight if you allow it to. The American horror at the word cunt which we seem to have imported in the past decade or so is bewildering to me tbh. What's so horrifying at being called a vagina? Is there something disgusting or repellent about female genitalia?

In the subtitles for Trainspotting (yes, they were considered necessary for American audiences) the line "Spud you doss cunt" appears as "Spud you [term of endearment]". While that may support the idea that to some, it's inconceivable that the word could be anything other than highly offensive, it's worth remembering that it also highlights that to others, it's anything but.

Endowing the word with the capacity to offend you does you no benefit, it simply arms someone who wants to hurt you. So disarm them by not tip-toeing around the word: say "cunt" when you mean cunt instead of using the phrase "the C word" which only serve to demonstrate that you're easily offended/hurt by a word (or that you have some genitalia based phobia).

Merkin

I think it has all do with semantics in this instance. Using disgusting and derogatory terms like "pig" and the C word can't really be excused away tbh.

OP I'm sorry I don't really know what to say. I'm no wallflower but your post really shocked me, I'd be cut to the quick if someone I loved referred to me in those terms.

Just wanted to send a hug really - your mother sounds thoroughly vile.

P. Breathnach

I don't see that the language that OP's mother used is particularly an issue; it's the unsympathetic attitude that underlies what the mother said.

It's a sad fact of life that there are many people who are incapable of empathy or compassion. Very often, people like that expect a great deal of acceptance and support from those around them. They give little, and demand a lot.

I would consider such people to be broken: they don't function properly.

OP, your mother is a broken person. So, possibly, is your father - although he might simply have given up on trying to steer your mother into a better place.

We can't deal with your mother here. You are the one asking for our help. What I have to say to you is easy to say, but not so easy for you to follow. You need to recognise that your mother's failings are her problem, and not yours. Never let somebody else's bad behaviour define you; you have enough to deal with in managing your own life. Yes, it's okay to be annoyed with her, and disappointed in her. But it does not make you a worse person; you are simply a person whose mother has a bad attitude.

Merkin

P. Breathnach wrote: »

Never let somebody else's bad behaviour define you

This is very true. I heard a great saying recently:

The way people treat you says more about them than it does about you.

Colser

Hi OP....That is such a horrible thing to happen ...I would be so hurt and upset if it happened to me so I can imagine how you must be feeling. Even if this is typical of your mothers general language it is made so much worse when used to refer to you her own child.
My advise (maybe not what you want to hear but anyway) is to distance yourself completely from her. So what if its her birthday..let her arrange her own party ect...She needs to know that you will not be treated or spoken about like this.I would not ring again and if she contacts you I would tell her what I heard on the voicemail and end the conversation without getting upset. ..If anyone says you are being ott or unreasonable let them hear the message and see how they would react to it...Take care...

December2012

If you hadn't done anything wrong then why were you apologising?

Apart from the name calling, how is your relationship with them? How do they normally treat you?

Fentdog84

My father is like that. he uses foul and abusive language daily and he thinks its normal and is just part of his vocabulary. He called my sister the c word in an argument recently and she was extremely upset and didnt talk to him for weeks. Although he apologised, he thought she was just being oversensitive .. he didnt see why its not ok to call anyone that, particurly a woman that in this day and age. He shouts this type of language to my mother all the time. Its a form of abuse really. Id say keep your distance from your folks as they only seem to be dragging you down.

Chara1001

Ah you poor thing op, I hope you're ok...

No more apologizing!

Ande1975

OP,

I read your post and I had to respond. My heart is breaking for you that you ended up with horrible excuses of parents.
I absolutely treasure my relationship with my parents and I cannot imagine having that sort of relationship with them.
Saying that though, I understand that not all parent relationships are like that.

You keep trying with them and make an effort with them (your mum's 60th) but they are too spiteful and cruel to even appreciate it. That will show you what sort of people they are. Its like sometimes fabulous parents can end up with rotten children.

I'm sorry you are going through a tough time but I think you need to mentally draw a line in the sand with them and not put up with their abuse anymore.
You are an adult and their role as your parents stopped when you turned 18 so you don't have to put up with their crap anymore.

The fact that you make such an effort with them shows how much you care and how good you are. The complete opposite of them.
I really don't have more to offer only that please stand up for yourself with them and don't let them bring you down. Their job is done (through some miracle feat, they did a great one to bring up an adult like you).

xxx

happyviolet

You are going through a rough time, OP.
Did you do something awful to your mother or commit any crime? Well if not, then there is no need for you to apologize for being depressed, she should be the one apologizing.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here. Thanks so much for all the replies. I was in a terrible state last night when I wrote the post and I don't know what I was trying to achieve but I needed to type.

I'm just so terribly upset by all of this. Update is that my mother has still not rang or even sent a text message to apologise and I'm sure she won't either probably because knowing her, she would not see the big deal about all of this and if I confront her about it I will just be told to shut up and stop whinging or that I'm over sensitive.

The past 24 hours have been horrible. I'm usually quite a resilient person but this really had hit a nerve. I spent the day fighting back tears at my desk at work, avoiding having to talk to people and going to the bathroom every hour to cry. It's like I'm just finally seeing things for what they are. Family is something so important to me and it is killing me that my own mother could feel this way about me. Most of my best friends have excellent relationships with the parents and I can't bring myself to tell any of them about this as I'm almost ashamed of the situation in that they just wouldn't be able to comprehend it because it is so different to their lives.

Hopefully at the weekend, I can just try sleep and get on with things a bit better than I'm doing at the moment.

PucaMama

Sleepy wrote: »

It only carries weight if you allow it to. The American horror at the word cunt which we seem to have imported in the past decade or so is bewildering to me tbh. What's so horrifying at being called a vagina? Is there something disgusting or repellent about female genitalia?

In the subtitles for Trainspotting (yes, they were considered necessary for American audiences) the line "Spud you doss cunt" appears as "Spud you [term of endearment]". While that may support the idea that to some, it's inconceivable that the word could be anything other than highly offensive, it's worth remembering that it also highlights that to others, it's anything but.

Endowing the word with the capacity to offend you does you no benefit, it simply arms someone who wants to hurt you. So disarm them by not tip-toeing around the word: say "****" when you mean **** instead of using the phrase "the C word" which only serve to demonstrate that you're easily offended/hurt by a word (or that you have some genitalia based phobia).

having the manners not to use bad language like that word is not wrong. and its no "phobia" to dislike it or be offended. i thought boards had a filter for these words? but i see how u got around it.

Xidu

Op, my mother in law loves her youngest son very much, but sometimes, when she talks to my husband about the youngest, she could say" I better get this done, otherwise xxx will be sour." and she complains a lot to my father in law that how hard the youngest fellow to get along with, and how grumpy he is...but she loves him as much as she loves the rest of them. It's just mother' talk. Some mothers just love to complain.

PucaMama

Xidu wrote: »

Op, my mother in law loves her youngest son very much, but sometimes, when she talks to my husband about the youngest, she could say" I better get this done, otherwise xxx will be sour." and she complains a lot to my father in law that how hard the youngest fellow to get along with, and how grumpy he is...but she loves him as much as she loves the rest of them. It's just mother' talk. Some mothers just love to complain.

did you miss the nasty language the mother used?

cruais

Xidu wrote: »

Op, my mother in law loves her youngest son very much, but sometimes, when she talks to my husband about the youngest, she could say" I better get this done, otherwise xxx will be sour." and she complains a lot to my father in law that how hard the youngest fellow to get along with, and how grumpy he is...but she loves him as much as she loves the rest of them. It's just mother' talk. Some mothers just love to complain.

There is a difference between complaining and calling someone a c u next tuesday.

My friend called me in an awful state today as she had a stupid row with her husband that escalated. He said a horrible thing to her - "fu€k off you slu77y c u next tuesday". My heart sank for her and in all honestly would love to get my hands on him.

Its the lowest of lowest choice of wording and my advice for you op is to keep youre distance from youre mother. Eventually she is going to cop on why you havent been in touch and when she calls, that will be youre opertunity to state how upset you are.

fillefatale

Mothers know how to kick us where it hurts eh? I have a similar relationship with mine, and the comments don't hurt as much as they used to. I know its because she is unhappy too and she is using me as her punching bag. You need to put some distance between the two of you and be cool about it - she needs to realise that you treat people with respect, particularly family. I wouldn't stress about her 60th, doesn't sound like she particularly deserves the fuss.

Don't let it get to you OP, as you can see some posters have similar experiences.

CaraMay

Op you are teaching her how to treat you. Ignore her 60th and make no effort at all. When she asks why explain that she still hasn't apologised to you.

If you keep letting her treat you like dirt then really and truly you have only yourself to blame.

clairefontaine

CaraMay wrote: »

Op you are teaching her how to treat you. Ignore her 60th and make no effort at all. When she asks why explain that she still hasn't apologised to you.

If you keep letting her treat you like dirt then really and truly you have only yourself to blame.

Yes I agree. However be prepared that when you ignore her 60th, this will validate the picture she is painting of you.

Which is fine, you just have to make that not matter to you. It could propel further exclusions and demonisations, but the only way to be free is not to care.

dm1979

Hi op, my mother is the same. When her husband died she took everything out on me. She kept telling me to kill myself soon or she was going kill me. She told my brothers and sister I was the reason they were so unhappy not because their dad had just died. Name calling and other verbal abuse wore me down to the point of a nervous breakdown. There is so much I would need my own tread to tell it all, anyway I walked away from her. I won't lie it was hard. I now have no contact with any of my family whatsoever and am happier for it. I feel like a weight has been lifted, and the dark clouds have cleared. You deserve better. I know you feel, you are not alone.

deseil

Send her back the message and say Thanks Mam! If that doesnt get to her nothing will!

Stavro Mueller

Do you have anyone else in your life you can turn to? I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. You've been given a raw deal in life - you didn't get the normal parents most of us are lucky to have. It's only natural that you'd want those and perhaps that is why you've been hurt again and again.

Have you ever been for counselling over this? I think in your case it would do you some good because you need to get all of this off your chest. It might also help you to deal with your parents. I think for your own good you need to distance yourself from them. Get yourself into a place where they can't hurt you so much.