Not giving as much

Ave Sodalis

Hi all, this probably seems a bit petty and silly but it's been worrying me a little bit.
I've recently found myself in a relationship (3 months) with a great guy and I consider myself very lucky to have met him. It's really only my first proper relationship (unless you consider a trainwreck which I don't really count), as I wasn't exactly a relationship-y type person before now and I'm also his first girlfriend.
My problem is, he's a lot more giving than I am within the relationship. I recently started a new job, which is very intensive. I am living in a house provided by the employer and my boyfriend is about 20 minutes away driving (neither of us have cars though) or about 40 minutes by bus. However, the house was damaged during the storms and from last Wednesday until Sunday, I was staying with him, although I'd get out there at about 9 or 10, and leave again at half 7. During this time, he'd have dinner ready as I walked in. We decided to celebrate Valentine's on Saturday as I had a day off on Sunday and I would have been exhausted on Friday. Saturday night, I got a lovely steak dinner (I got ice cream for dessert), a rose and a box of chocolates. The next morning, he made me a fry up, took me to the cinema and paid for the tickets, tried to pay fully for our takeaway (but I managed to convince him to let me pay half), came with me to the bus station when I was going back and paid for my city bus ticket (there's the city bus and then I take another bus out to my workplace), and when there was a dodgy gang of youths laughing about how they were going to break windows on the bus, he wanted to come with me the full way, despite not having a way back then.
I appreciate everything, I really do but when you consider all I got him was a homemade card and the icecream, I kinda feel bad. I would like to be able to give as much as I get but I don't have the time or the money to do so. No one has ever really pampered me this much, I'm worried about coming across as selfish and spoilt if I don't have something to return for what I get.
I don't know if I'm being silly here but I would really like some opinions on this.

Tokyo

I think that the fact that you feel guilty that you may not be giving enough speaks volumes on its own, as it means that you *are* quite a considerate person - considerate of his feelings.

By the sounds of it, he seems to be a generous guy, but I think that you are taking the right steps, in that three months in, it's nice of him to offer to pay the bill, but right of you to go halves, or pay the bill next time you're out. You've moved on from the 'dating period', for want of a better word. As for everything else, I'm not sure that you are concerned about. You needed a place to stay through no fault of your own - it only makes sense that your partner would be your first port of call. As for valentines, - there's been half a dozen thread on here about Valentine's Day, and the responses have been unanimous - it's how you treat the other person overall that counts, not who gave the best Valentine's card, or the biggest bunch of flowers.

If you do feel that you need to balance the books, there's nothing stopping you from inviting him over for a nice homecooked meal, or a movie, or whatever, when your own place is sorted again. Doesn't cost much, and it's pretty much what couples do! Sounds like you are in a good place - I wouldn't be so worried if I were you.

IrishEyes19

sup_dude wrote: »

Hi all, this probably seems a bit petty and silly but it's been worrying me a little bit.
I've recently found myself in a relationship (3 months) with a great guy and I consider myself very lucky to have met him. It's really only my first proper relationship (unless you consider a trainwreck which I don't really count), as I wasn't exactly a relationship-y type person before now and I'm also his first girlfriend.
My problem is, he's a lot more giving than I am within the relationship. I recently started a new job, which is very intensive. I am living in a house provided by the employer and my boyfriend is about 20 minutes away driving (neither of us have cars though) or about 40 minutes by bus. However, the house was damaged during the storms and from last Wednesday until Sunday, I was staying with him, although I'd get out there at about 9 or 10, and leave again at half 7. During this time, he'd have dinner ready as I walked in. We decided to celebrate Valentine's on Saturday as I had a day off on Sunday and I would have been exhausted on Friday. Saturday night, I got a lovely steak dinner (I got ice cream for dessert), a rose and a box of chocolates. The next morning, he made me a fry up, took me to the cinema and paid for the tickets, tried to pay fully for our takeaway (but I managed to convince him to let me pay half), came with me to the bus station when I was going back and paid for my city bus ticket (there's the city bus and then I take another bus out to my workplace), and when there was a dodgy gang of youths laughing about how they were going to break windows on the bus, he wanted to come with me the full way, despite not having a way back then.
I appreciate everything, I really do but when you consider all I got him was a homemade card and the icecream, I kinda feel bad. I would like to be able to give as much as I get but I don't have the time or the money to do so. No one has ever really pampered me this much, I'm worried about coming across as selfish and spoilt if I don't have something to return for what I get.
I don't know if I'm being silly here but I would really like some opinions on this.

Well the good news OP is that you will see from a lot of relationship issues here, the least of worries in a relationship is "giving" I can understand that money can be an issue, why not make him a lovely meal some evening, if you cant have it at yours, cook at his. Buy him his favourite chocolate or treat. Arrive in with a six pack or something. you get my drift. Gestures are lovely when they are small if there is consideration behind them.

beks101

Jesus he sounds like a catch-and-a-half, can you bottle him & send him my way??

OP, just enjoy it. You deserve him after your trainwreck of an ex and it's obviously the very lovely honeymoon period where he is suitably smitten & not afraid to show it. He sounds like a gentleman!

Don't be afraid to express your feelings and appreciation and sort of guilt to him - honesty and communication is key to a healthy happy relationship. It will probably make his day to hear that you're overwhelmed by his generosity and support.

I'd be similar to you in that I have a string of half-relationships and sh1tty dysfunctional dating experiences behind me when I did the running around and often didn't get the treatment I wanted or needed in return.

It's difficult with that sort of history to let your guard down and be comfortable with being spoilt a little bit by a genuine guy and I can understand how it's a little unsettling.

But this is how you deserve to be treated - NOT the way your idiot ex carried on - a behaviour to which you never should have become accustomed.

Don't be afraid to let your guard down a little now and let yourself be taken care of and supported at times - what's what should be found in any good relationship.

Stavro Mueller

What I've found with generous people is that they'll stand on their head for you and be wonderful and kind until they think someone's taking advantage of their good nature. Then the shutters go up and that's the end of that. As long as your boyfriend knows you appreciate his kindness and aren't taking advantage of it, you'll be fine. I don't see anything wrong with a home-made valentine's card and ice-cream. I think someone going to the trouble of making their own card is very sweet actually - a lot more thought goes into that than a card picked up in a shop.

oscar_mike

Maybe trying explaining yourself to him instead of on boards.ie. He sounds like he would be cool about it anyway.

P. Breathnach

oscar_mike wrote: »

Maybe trying explaining yourself to him instead of on boards.ie. He sounds like he would be cool about it anyway.

Yes, yes, and yes again.

If it's any sort of a relationship, you should be able to tell him that you appreciate his generosity, but that you would like to equalise things a bit.

whiskeyman

P. Breathnach wrote: »

Yes, yes, and yes again.

If it's any sort of a relationship, you should be able to tell him that you appreciate his generosity, but that you would like to equalise things a bit.

Equalise things a bit?
don't tell him that!

If the guys wants to pamper and treat her well, let him!
It can be a lovely feeling to not only receive, but to give! He obviously loves making the effort and you must show appreciation of this, which you must be doing.
You dont always have to give back to show appreciation.
I was in a similar situation when I started seeing my now fiancee. I'd go out of my way to make her feel special, and her appreciation was all I wanted. I didnt want anything in return, but to see her happy.
You'll show your appreciation in your own way - you don't need to spend money for this.
Best of luck to you both. It's nice to hear something good here

ladygirl

Op sounds like you have found such a lovely guy.
Enjoy every minute of it as it sounds like it is well deserved.
And over time you can return the gestures. Next time he comes to your house you can cook him a lovely meal. Or maybe you can offer to treat him to dinner or a takeaway due to all the lovely meals he has cooked. As long as you don't expect these things to be done for you at he drop of a hat then your fine - sounds like he enjoys spoiling you

LegacyUser

It's all very well people saying "just enjoy it", "you deserve it", etc. But I get the feeling that if it's worrying you enough to post here about it, then maybe you are feeling a little bit smothered?

Czarcasm

coldanddamp wrote: »

It's all very well people saying "just enjoy it", "you deserve it", etc. But I get the feeling that if it's worrying you enough to post here about it, then maybe you are feeling a little bit smothered?

I'd say the OP is more just feeling a bit strange about somebody doing normal stuff for them after being used to being treated like crap in their previous relationship. When you're used to being treated like crap, the normal stuff people do for each other can seem a bit OTT and can take some getting used to. It's not like her boyfriend is practically falling over himself to shower the OP with affection, that'd be smothering, but from what the OP describes, that's just normal stuff people do for each other.

ash23

OP I am a really independent person and my last boyfriend was very old fashioned so I found it really strange and uncomfortable when we started going out and he insisted on paying for everything.
Over time I managed to even things up a bit. Just by doing things like pre-empting him in terms of going to the bar before he did or telling him I was taking him out that night. He eventually adjusted although it was never 50/50. More like 70/30 but we found our comfort zone eventually.

It's also worth bearing in mind that you are in the first flushes of the relationship. I find a lot of guys pull out all the stops in the early stages but then when things are more secure and comfortable, they let it slide a bit. I know the first few months with my fella he never showed up without flowers or chocolates. Now he's more likely to bring a bar of chocolate. Which is completely fine as I'm quite happy with him and he's very good to me.
But OP, another few months and you might be thinking "what happened to all the romantic gestures!"

Sleepy

It's still early days in the relationship so why not just find other ways to spoil him back for now? It doesn't necessarily have to be anything particularly time consuming or expensive, simply bringing him his favourite chocolate bar / six pack of beer* on random evenings lets him know he's being thought of and that you appreciate him too.

As ash23 says, you may well find that this all dials itself back naturally as you settle into the relationship. Personally, I think a relationship where it needs a birthday, valentines day or some other marketing persons vision to prompt a little spoiling of each other is a dead one but I've never been in (or seen) one where it's done to the same level as it was during the first 6 months years later.

(*for many men there can be a lot of truth in the old joke about how all a woman needs to do to woo us is to show up naked and bring beer)