Flying solo as usual

Witchie

I got an invite to a good friend's birthday party in a few weeks time. There is a group of friends that live near each other that I adore but don't see very often as I live further away so am really looking forward to spending the night with them all.

My problem is that yet again I will be probably the only singleton there. I usually don't mind that but there is a possibility that my ex-husband and his wife will be there and I know that I will find it difficult coz I am single.

This group of friends have only ever seen me once with a boyfriend, a guy who is their mutual friend too and that was at a concert so am really beginning to feel like such a failure around them in that I can't seem to get someone in my life.

I have a friend in college who I know would fit in perfectly with this group, he is just their kinda people and I was considering asking him to come with me as a date but am scared of rejection and then things will be awkward in College.

There is no one else I can ask and am really dreading going solo this time in case my ex & the missus are there, I really don't want them sneering at me all night.

Any suggestions?

No one is sneering or you wouldn't think they were nice people and be their friend. Ask college guy, the very worst thing that could happen is he says no. He'd probably be delighted and flattered, even if he declines. And things in college will only be awkward if he declines, if you allow them to be.

Go for it, everything to gain, nothing to lose. Whatever you do have a good time, even if the ex is there. Enjoy.

Witchie

Oh my friends wouldnt be sneering it would be the ex hubby. He is a dick and would enjoy seeing me single still while he is remarried.

Hazys

Do you fancy your college friend as a potential boyfriend or just somebody to have as your date to this party?

I think you need to be careful how you play that.

Witchie

Witchie wrote: »

Oh my friends wouldnt be sneering it would be the ex hubby. He is a dick and would enjoy seeing me single still while he is remarried.

Well I'm glad he's your ex if that's the case

Get college guy to come, ask him as a pal maybe, and while you're all relaxed and enjoying each others company, maybe you can assess the viability of more.

Either way, ask him!

Eeden

If your ex husband is now remarried, then you must be an ex of quite a while now, and it would be better for you if you stopped caring what he thinks of your life.

It's not a competition! I've separated for nearly six years (after a very very very long relationship); he's in a new relationship and I'm not. I couldn't care less what he thinks of me at this stage. To be honest, I'm sure he doesn't give a shít one way or another, same as I think about him.

Tokyo

Hey there OP,

For most people, it's never easy having to face your ex in social situations, particularly if the breakup has been less than amicable, or they are there with a new partner, and being the last soldier standing in a dwindling list of single friends, I'm beginning to appreciate the differences in how we interact in social situations.

Having said that, in my experience I have met two types of single people at parties - the "Bridget Jones" type, who wallflowers their way through the night, and the confident single guy or girl, who gives off all the appearance of being their own person. Personally I try to be the latter, where possible. So should you decide to go there on your own, I would try to worry less about it. While you may feel that your ex and his wife are commenting behind your back (I feel the same about my ex at times) - the reality is that they probably are not, if anything, she may feel equally uncomfortable with you there And at the end of the day, ask yourself who is important at the party - your friends, or your ex and his new wife.

Regarding your college guy, I don't see any reason why you shouldn't ask him to come with you. In fact, you have the perfect opener to ask the guy from your college out without it being too awkward - "I've been invited to a party at my friends house, and I'm not really looking forward to going there on my own. Would you like to come along as my plus one??" It's a good way to ease into the idea, without it being an all out dinner-chocolates-and-flowers type of commitment for him. It's just a night out, and if it doesn't go any further, there should be no reason for awkwardness afterwards.

chefwes

Witchie wrote: »

I got an invite to a good friend's birthday party in a few weeks time. There is a group of friends that live near each other that I adore but don't see very often as I live further away so am really looking forward to spending the night with them all.

My problem is that yet again I will be probably the only singleton there. I usually don't mind that but there is a possibility that my ex-husband and his wife will be there and I know that I will find it difficult coz I am single.

This group of friends have only ever seen me once with a boyfriend, a guy who is their mutual friend too and that was at a concert so am really beginning to feel like such a failure around them in that I can't seem to get someone in my life.

I have a friend in college who I know would fit in perfectly with this group, he is just their kinda people and I was considering asking him to come with me as a date but am scared of rejection and then things will be awkward in College.

There is no one else I can ask and am really dreading going solo this time in case my ex & the missus are there, I really don't want them sneering at me all night.

Any suggestions?

Hi there might I suggest asking your college friend as a friend at least. If they are a good friend as you say they'll have your back and your not making things awkward and then if you hook up it won't make things as complicated

Witchie

Hazys wrote: »

Do you fancy your college friend as a potential boyfriend or just somebody to have as your date to this party?

I think you need to be careful how you play that.

Yes I do. He is pretty much my perfect guy but I am aware I am probably not his perfect girl so have to tread carefully. Also he is only a year out of his relationship so may not be ready for what I want!!!!:D

Candie wrote: »

Well I'm glad he's your ex if that's the case

Get college guy to come, ask him as a pal maybe, and while you're all relaxed and enjoying each others company, maybe you can assess the viability of more.

Either way, ask him!

Am scared though!

Eeden wrote: »

If your ex husband is now remarried, then you must be an ex of quite a while now, and it would be better for you if you stopped caring what he thinks of your life.

It's not a competition! I've separated for nearly six years (after a very very very long relationship); he's in a new relationship and I'm not. I couldn't care less what he thinks of me at this stage. To be honest, I'm sure he doesn't give a shít one way or another, same as I think about him.

I don't really give a sh*t about him just hate that he gets to be all feckin happy while I get to look like the sad one with no one in my life. Just know wont feel very comfortable with him sneering at me.

Witchie

mike_ie wrote: »

Hey there OP,

For most people, it's never easy having to face your ex in social situations, particularly if the breakup has been less than amicable, or they are there with a new partner, and being the last soldier standing in a dwindling list of single friends, I'm beginning to appreciate the differences in how we interact in social situations.

Having said that, in my experience I have met two types of single people at parties - the "Bridget Jones" type, who wallflowers their way through the night, and the confident single guy or girl, who gives off all the appearance of being their own person. Personally I try to be the latter, where possible. So should you decide to go there on your own, I would try to worry less about it. While you may feel that your ex and his wife are commenting behind your back (I feel the same about my ex at times) - the reality is that they probably are not, if anything, she may feel equally uncomfortable with you there And at the end of the day, ask yourself who is important at the party - your friends, or your ex and his new wife.

Regarding your college guy, I don't see any reason why you shouldn't ask him to come with you. In fact, you have the perfect opener to ask the guy from your college out without it being too awkward - "I've been invited to a party at my friends house, and I'm not really looking forward to going there on my own. Would you like to come along as my plus one??" It's a good way to ease into the idea, without it being an all out dinner-chocolates-and-flowers type of commitment for him. It's just a night out, and if it doesn't go any further, there should be no reason for awkwardness afterwards.

I am so not the wallflower type! I have never had a problem mixing in a gang. Just its getting tiresome to always be going to things on my own especially with this group of friends. I went solo to the weddings of most of them, sometimes even when I had boyfriends coz somehow I usually pick shy guys who wont come to events with me!

Its not in my mates house, its in a pub but out of the city a bit and will probably have to stay over night so that makes it a bit more complicated.

chefwes wrote: »

Hi there might I suggest asking your college friend as a friend at least. If they are a good friend as you say they'll have your back and your not making things awkward and then if you hook up it won't make things as complicated

We are not that close of friends. We have only been getting to know each other in the past few weeks but will have to spend the next 6 months with him so am worried about screwing it up.

Eeden

Witchie wrote: »

I don't really give a sh*t about him just hate that he gets to be all feckin happy while I get to look like the sad one with no one in my life. Just know wont feel very comfortable with him sneering at me.

If you hate that he's happy and you're not, and you think that he's sneering at you, then you obviously have not moved on at all. It's time you stopped caring how he feels about you.

He probably doesn't give you a second thought. You should do the same for him.

Witchie

I have moved on but he angers me mostly coz of his attitude to our kids and just don't like the thoughts of him feeling smug.

You are right though I really should forget about him in this situation. I suppose I also feel a bit like other people at the party will be looking at me on my own and him remarried and that might make me feel uncomfortable.

If had someone with me I would feel less exposed to pity or sneering I suppose.

dohcom

why dont you meet someone new yourself?

Witchie

dohcom wrote: »

why dont you meet someone new yourself?

I had been going out with someone for almost 3 years there but we split up in August and just haven't met anyone else yet.

He never came with me to anything (part of the reason we are no longer together!) except one concert with this group of friends whom he knows quite well. Its the only time they have seen me with someone since I kicked the hubby to the kerb 13 years ago.

I wish it was as easy as you make it sound dohcom but its not that easy to find a fella when you are 40, raising 2 kids and going to college!

fallen01angel

Hi OP,
1st of all well done you,it cannot be easy juggling going to college and raising 2 kids on your own,by the sounds of it without your ex's help.That in itself says a lot about you.....and about him,but that's a different matter!!
In regard to the birthday dilemma, I think you might be better off flying solo on this one to be honest, for a number of reasons.
1) You are clearly close to the group attending this party, would you not feel obliged to "mind" the college friend,as although you feel he would blend in well with the group,he still would know no one besides you.Therefore even more pressure on you meaning you'd be less likely to feel completely at ease to enjoy yourself and show him what you're like outside of college.
2) It's clear you like this guy, so why would you want to have your 1st date,for lack of a better word in the presence of your ex......imagine the stress!!

My advice to you is this, do something prior to the party to help you relax and put a bit of pep in your step,get your hair/make up/nails done or whatever you want,not for anyone else benefit but as your treat to you.
With regards to your ex-Remember You ditched Him for a reason,no matter what happens at the end of the day,that's the reality of the situation.
You go to the party enjoy catching up with old friends and dancing the night away.
Then next time you meet your college friend,suggest a casual coffee or drink,keeping light and breezy,that will give you a better insight to where his head is at.

The very best of luck:)

Witchie

Thank you Angel!

Yeah you are right. I think when I go the invite today and thought about my ex being too I just got anxious and felt low at the fact that once again I am still the only singleton.

I have a drink once a week with the college friend after college with some other mates so I suppose if anything is to develop it will happen naturally through that.

I think I was just panicking earlier. God I hate not having someone to come with me to things like this. It really bugged me that 2 of my ex boyfriends wouldn't come to events with me.

fallen01angel

Witchie wrote: »

Thank you Angel!

Yeah you are right. I think when I go the invite today and thought about my ex being too I just got anxious and felt low at the fact that once again I am still the only singleton.

I have a drink once a week with the college friend after college with some other mates so I suppose if anything is to develop it will happen naturally through that.

I think I was just panicking earlier. God I hate not having someone to come with me to things like this. It really bugged me that 2 of my ex boyfriends wouldn't come to events with me.

Witchy,it's only natural (I think) that you panicked when the invite came,I can truly relate and sympathise for it,had the same kind of thing happen a month ago and it's certainly not easy to turn up alone,but you can do it....and more importantly you can have fun doing it!!
As for the 2 ex's I wouldn't blame you in the slightest for being annoyed at them for not doing basic partner duty in attending events,but the great news is they are your ex's and there's no need to waste head space on them anymore.

dixiefly

Witchie wrote: »

Yes I do. He is pretty much my perfect guy but I am aware I am probably not his perfect girl so have to tread carefully. Also he is only a year out of his relationship so may not be ready for what I want!!!!:D



Am scared though!



I don't really give a sh*t about him just hate that he gets to be all feckin happy while I get to look like the sad one with no one in my life. Just know wont feel very comfortable with him sneering at me.

Definitely ask your college friend, you can do so in a way that you can say absolutely no issue if it doesn't suit him. If he is as you describe then he won't make an issue of it.

But go for it, life is too short and you will regret it if you don't and have ongoing bad luck in the relationship stakes.

CaraMay

Witchie wrote: »

Oh my friends wouldnt be sneering it would be the ex hubby. He is a dick and would enjoy seeing me single still while he is remarried.

As you know just because you are married doesn't mean you are happy... Ignore him and laugh up your sleeve that she is stuck with him now.

Witchie

I actually often feel sorry for her for having to put up with him. I also wonder how she can sit back and watch him neglect our kids without wondering would he do the same to her kids if they split up.

alias06

CaraMay wrote: »

As you know just because you are married doesn't mean you are happy... Ignore him and laugh up your sleeve that she is stuck with him now.

This is so true. Often people who aren't married think people who are have lives of total bliss and peace. Its simply not the case.

Just go and enjoy your night and pay no attention to them.

CaraMay

Witchie wrote: »

I actually often feel sorry for her for having to put up with him. I also wonder how she can sit back and watch him neglect our kids without wondering would he do the same to her kids if they split up.

Exactly... Her loss, your gain

Witchie

Broached the subject with my College friend the other night but just when was getting to the point of asking would he come with me we got interrupted so didnt have the nerve to go back to it again.

Asked another guy I know but he is playing a gig that night so cant go.

Oh well will be a big girl and go on my own!