Should I follow counsellors advice?

Jaycro

A few years ago I split up with a girl I was seeing for a year. It was her choice and it left me pretty devastated. It was a complicated situation as she has left her husband for me and eventually the enormity of the situation became too much for her and she needed out of our relationship. I don't think her feelings for me had changed but I suppose you can never be 100%.

It took me a long, long time to get myself back together and even though I've dated other girls I still love this girl. Our circumstances are such that we see other around the odd time and I've learneed through mutual friends that she's now living with another guy for the last 12 months or so, not really sure.

I knew I had to deal with this and I started councelling a few months ago. The counsellor advised that I should tell her I still love her. She feels that I'm holding tightly onto the last piece of hope that we might get back together and that I should tell her before she commits in some way to the other guy (if she hasn't already). I suppose she feels that if there's zero chance of anything happening that I need to know that and even if it means getting my heart broken all over again, I need to do this to start rebuilding my life.

While it appears to make sense having that conversation fills me with dread. I have a sick feeling in my stomach. More than likely I know the way it will go but I don't know if I'm strong enough to hear that there's no hope and have to pick myself up again. It took me a long time to get where I am today and the thought of being that vunerable and putting myself out there scares me so much.

Any advice?

Loughc

Best advise I can give you is to move on, she clearly has and as painful as it is you will too.

You need to give it time to get over her. Yes more time than you've already given, time does heal all wounds, in time you will forget and you will meet someone else who makes you feel loved and it will all be worth it.

I wouldn't go meet her and tell her you still love her. If ye split up a few years and she hasn't been in touch with you since and she's with another guy she clearly has moved on, meeting up with her will only result in you getting hurt.

Rosy Posy

It looks like the counsellor thinks you need closure, that you need to know that that door is fully closed to you before you can move on with your life. The conversation may fill you with dread, but think about the pain and energy you're expending on this girl and how it would be to not have that in your life. Sometimes its better to rip the plaster off quickly and endure the short and painful conversation so that you don't have to suffer in the long term. This is assuming that she's no longer interested. If she is interested do you really really want to go there, especially that you will now be the 'other man' for the second time? Surely even if she does choose you the old feelings of guilt will be compounded by her leaving a second relationship for you? If you can rationalise this and make peace with it in yourself then I suppose the conversation is unnecessary but if not (which seems unlikely given that this has been haunting you for some time now) then you should proceed with caution. Best of luck OP.

ElleEm

Jaycro wrote: »

A few years ago I split up with a girl I was seeing for a year. It was her choice and it left me pretty devastated. It was a complicated situation as she has left her husband for me and eventually the enormity of the situation became too much for her and she needed out of our relationship. I don't think her feelings for me had changed but I suppose you can never be 100%.

It took me a long, long time to get myself back together and even though I've dated other girls I still love this girl. Our circumstances are such that we see other around the odd time and I've learneed through mutual friends that she's now living with another guy for the last 12 months or so, not really sure.

I knew I had to deal with this and I started councelling a few months ago. The counsellor advised that I should tell her I still love her. She feels that I'm holding tightly onto the last piece of hope that we might get back together and that I should tell her before she commits in some way to the other guy (if she hasn't already). I suppose she feels that if there's zero chance of anything happening that I need to know that and even if it means getting my heart broken all over again, I need to do this to start rebuilding my life.

While it appears to make sense having that conversation fills me with dread. I have a sick feeling in my stomach. More than likely I know the way it will go but I don't know if I'm strong enough to hear that there's no hope and have to pick myself up again. It took me a long time to get where I am today and the thought of being that vunerable and putting myself out there scares me so much.

Any advice?

The difference is that now you have the support of a counsellor to get you through it.

If you think you already know how the situation would go with your ex, do you feel like you could sit with that and allow yourself to BELIEVE that there is no future for you? If you can, then you may not need to have the conversation with her, but if you feel like you will forever wonder, then maybe you need to put yourself out there. I am sure your counsellor is aware of how this will affect you, and she will be there with you to deal with any aftermath.

alias06

If this women wanted to get back with you she would contact you. Forget it. She broke it off with you and hasn't come back since. That is bad advice by the counsellor. If you contact this women again to tell her you love her at best she will reject you again and leave you feeling like crap and at worst she will think you are crazy. You know yourself in your gut what the outcome will be so why put yourself through that? You should be concentrating on meeting other women.

Jaycro

Thanks for the advice, really do appreciate the time and effort people go to to give their thoughts.

Bananaleaf

Is it just me or is it strange that the OPs counsellor would advise them to do this?

I was in counselling for a long time and my therapist never once told me or advised me to make one single decision. She was always there to help me through the decision making process and there to help me analyse it afterwards and learn from it. But she never once overstepped the mark. She was great in that way and she really prepared me well for the rest of my life.

I don't think counsellors are supposed to advise you to make decisions such as the one you have mentioned OP. Provide you with possible scenarios maybe and ask you hypothetical questions about what if you asked or what if you didn't, and lead you towards a decision maybe, but to out right tell you to do something? I don't think that's right.

Have you been with that counsellor long?

Catphish

Jaycro wrote: »

A few years ago I split up with a girl I was seeing for a year. It was her choice and it left me pretty devastated. It was a complicated situation as she has left her husband for me and eventually the enormity of the situation became too much for her and she needed out of our relationship. I don't think her feelings for me had changed but I suppose you can never be 100%.

It took me a long, long time to get myself back together and even though I've dated other girls I still love this girl. Our circumstances are such that we see other around the odd time and I've learneed through mutual friends that she's now living with another guy for the last 12 months or so, not really sure.

I knew I had to deal with this and I started councelling a few months ago. The counsellor advised that I should tell her I still love her. She feels that I'm holding tightly onto the last piece of hope that we might get back together and that I should tell her before she commits in some way to the other guy (if she hasn't already). I suppose she feels that if there's zero chance of anything happening that I need to know that and even if it means getting my heart broken all over again, I need to do this to start rebuilding my life.

While it appears to make sense having that conversation fills me with dread. I have a sick feeling in my stomach. More than likely I know the way it will go but I don't know if I'm strong enough to hear that there's no hope and have to pick myself up again. It took me a long time to get where I am today and the thought of being that vunerable and putting myself out there scares me so much.

Any advice?

The advice she gave you strikes me as being a bit off, if I'm honest with you. Perhaps, as previously mentioned her angle is closure for you. I'm not so sure that telling this woman you love her is going to do anything other than cause you further hurt. My feeling, given what you've said is that her marriage was in trouble and you were there for her, I don't think her head was in the right place at all. I'm trying to put this as gently as I can.. she did end the relationship with you firstly, and secondly.. it's been a few years as you said. I think that if she thought she made the wrong decision she would have contacted you.

If it were I in your shoes I think in my next visit I'd be telling her that it would only cause you more pain, and you'd rather address the issue of your acceptance and moving on.

dellas1979

To move things along, councellors sometimes do make suggestions.
It makes things a bit more realistic, in real life. Rather than internalise in the person's head.

Its a suggestion to make you think (which it has). Not a "go do it".

Its bringing into reality your real feelings about this woman - because at the moment, its all in your head. Do you "love" her enough to tell her? Or, upon realising that you cant do this, are you starting to value yourself more and let her go? Then this will lead to some resolution to get closure on your own (i.e., not from her).

Put it this way, if it really was the right thing to do, if it was for the right reason, if you really believed that you need to contact her, that all could be resolved, that you'd live happily ever after, you would have done it already, with or without a councellor's suggestion. Something in your own consciousness - something that you are not aware of - has been kicking in. Let them help you open that up :-).

stargazer 68

OP your Counsellor is more qualified at this stuff than any of us however you split a few years ago and she is living with someone else. What is telling her you still love her going to achieve apart from 'possibly' make you feel better. You know there is no hope with this girl so would it make you feel better?

Hannibal Smith

If you're doubting your counsellors advice to the point of asking strangers on a forum, I would change counsellors.

Jaycro

Thanks for all the advice, appreciate the feedback.

The counsellor hasn't told me I should do this, maybe I worded myself poorly, but it was more a suggestion, something to think about. She felt that long term I wouldn't be in a worse place than I am today. I've been going to her nearly 5 months and she's very good so I'm not going to doubt her methods just because it wasn't something I had thought about or want to do. It was just an idea and I was interested to get other perspectives from people who spend time in this area of Boards and may have experience of counselling - even if they are strangers :-)

Anyway, I don't think it's something I'm prepared to do so best to concentrate on moving on. At the end of the day she knew where to find me if she had ever wanted to talk.

Oryx

Ask yourself these questions

Do you hope she might still love you?
Do you want to get back with her?
Do you think she might get back with you?

You are only asking so you know clearly and without doubt where your mind lies. That's one part of the situation. The outward reality looks very different, to my eyes, reading your post. So another few questions:

What do you think you will gain from asking?
Do you secretly hope it will turn out well?
Do you think you will believe what she tells you?
Can you walk away from her this time if she rejects you?

It seems to me that for her, the relationship is over, well and truly. Honestly, you were a rebound relationship, maybe even a catalyst to get her out of her marriage. Those relationships often flounder. She is now with someone else, so the reality is that you and her, well, there's very little hope. If talking to her will help you accept that, AND if you think you are strong enough to meet with her and take the rejection, do it. If you DON'T feel strong enough, or are holding out hope that this will change things, I would say stay away. Because I don't reckon this is going to be like a scene from a movie where you get her back, I'm sorry to say.

Queen-Mise

Bananaleaf wrote: »

Is it just me or is it strange that the OPs counsellor would advise them to do this?

Different types of counsellors/therapists - they are as many different types as they are of doctors. From the lying on the couch and you talking only, to the very proactive CBT.

OP - I can understand your counsellor's point - Ask if there is any hope/future, the worst that can happen is that she will say no. And then you know for once and for all. You can move on, accept that this didn't work out the way you would have liked.
At the moment you are in limbo waiting and wondering. Find out one way or the other and then move on.

clairefontaine

All this fuss over three little words. Wow.

Just tell her and leave it at that. Drop expectations.

dellas1979

Jaycro wrote: »

Anyway, I don't think it's something I'm prepared to do so best to concentrate on moving on. At the end of the day she knew where to find me if she had ever wanted to talk.

Well, I think the councellor (who ever she is) is getting unnecessary flack. Yes, I think you did phrase it poorly. She cant make any choices/decisions for you. No more than I can. Thats your responsibility. That was the point of her suggestion. And she has some what made a good point. The responsibility to make decisions for your life is on you. The responsibility to resolve/get closure is on you. Not the girl, not the councellor, not boards posters, you.

But that aside, you do seem to have made the decision now.