Unreasonable expectations?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I'm the youngest (& only) daughter in a family of 6. My mother is very traditional, and imo actually quite sexist - I would be made help get the dinner ready, iron clothes, clean house, while the boys did nothing & were never expected to do anything. This has always been an issue for me with my mother, and has actually lead to quite alot of tension between us. She is of the opinion that girl's are expected to be homemakers & that's that. Because of her views, I have never been very forthcoming with her about anything that's really going on in my life. I like to keep that stuff private, as any time I have opened up to her in the past she has been very judgemental. I would love to have a close relationship with her, and after trying again and again when I was younger to do things with her, I always feel second best to other things she has going on.

She is very close with her own mother, and sees her at least every two days. She has never made this type of effort with me - i live over 200km's away from the family home, and in all the years I've been living here, I can count on one hand the number of times she's come to visit, even though I regularly ask her to come up. I am expected to drive to see her, expected to call her during the week, and listen to all her problems, while the same is never extended to me.

Anyway, during a conversation this week, she brought up how daughters are supposed to look after their mothers, and as the only daughter in the family, I would be the one who would have to look after her when she was older. I knew she felt like this, but actually hearing her say it upset me a bit. She puts nothing into our relationship, but expects so much back in return...

ManOfMystery

I'm not sure if there's really any way to fix a situation like this. Your mother is simply of a different generation, and she was brought up with beliefs which are now so ingrained that it's unlikely she would ever change her mindset.

And you're of a different generation again, with beliefs that you too are not just going to drop.

It doesn't mean either of you is wrong, or either of you is right. Of course society is telling us now that equality between the sexes is a must (and I'm all for that), but someone's opinion on that matter is still their opinion and they're fully entitled to it.

You say your mother puts nothing into your relationship - yet from her point of view, perhaps she feels that she has invested years in bringing you up and now that you're an adult (I assume?), her work is done. And perhaps she too finds it difficult to connect with you - just as you do with her - only you're able to vocalise and express those feelings on here, whereas she's of a generation who just get on with things.

Have you ever sat down with your mother and had a calm & non-heated discussion about things? The two of you may just have to agree to disagree on certain opinions, or set them aside and focus on the things which you can enjoy together - family, mutual hobbies/interests, whatever.

strandroad

I feel for you OP, it's a very difficult situation to be in. I think that you need to start conversations about it, not only with your mother but also your brothers. Are they in touch with her, do they visit, organise things etc? Unfortunately if this mindset goes unchallenged she will expect you to devote yourself to her care completely as she ages.

I know a girl who emigrated (to London, because she wanted to stay close to her family, although she was offered great jobs overseas). She flies over often; her brother lives around the corner from her parents but does not get involved with them at all. And guess what, she is the heartless one for moving away and they guilt trip her all the time while for him they have all kinds of excuses (he simply doesn't care). You may end up like this if it's not rectified early.

Stavro Mueller

To my mind there are two issues going on here. The first being the relationship you have with your mother; the second what may happen in the future should she need a carer.

It's sad that you've never had the relationship you'd like to have with your mother. Whether it's down to her traditional views or a clash of personality I couldn't possibly say. You've given it your best shot from what I can see so I feel it's time for you to accept that this about as good as it gets. I'm sure your mum loves you in her own way but you're never going to be close. Is she any closer to any of your brothers?

As for the second part of this, you would want to be very careful you don't get trapped into being your mum's carer. She's seeing the whole issue through a traditional filter - that you live 200km away and have a job/life there aren't registering on her radar. Ideally what happens to your mum should be a decision reached by all 6 of you but don't bank on it. Sometimes when you have a larger family like what you have, people go "missing" and shirk their responsibilities, leaving the burden on one or two people. Don't let that happen to you.

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks for your replies & advice.

I agree, I need to bring this up with her and have a proper discussion about it. In one way, I'm afraid of hurting her feelings & amn't sure how to word it. I'm not even sure saying anything to her will change anything as I don't think she really listens to much I have to say.

My brother's all agree she is being unfair and quite manipulative. The problem seems to be with my mother & her expectations that I am the one to look after her. I suppose in her mind, as the only girl the responsibility lies with me, as ridiculous as that might seem.

R.D. aka MR.D

Talk to her but don't feel guilty about not wanting to look after her.

My granny is 92 years old but would never have a view like this. She feels that women are equal and would never expect her daughters look after her (even though they do). So i don't buy into the whole 'generation' thing. She was brought up extremely poor and left school at the age of 8 but yet is able to have a modern view of the word.

Don't feel guilty that your mother is unable to move with the times.

missjm

OP - I also am an only daughter of a large family. A similar expectation was put on me but not really by my parents, funnily enough by my siblings. Thing is, you can't predict what will happen. I found myself thrown into a situation with little warning. I then thought I was going to be looking at years of caring for my dear Mum but she dropped dead suddenly and all the concern and fear was replaced with guilt. It is true that certain expectations do fall on you as the only daughter. However, you can't predict the future and while I don't know what physical state your Mum is currently in (from your post she sound healthy), wait until you come to that bridge to cross it.

Stavro Mueller

missjm wrote: »

...You can't predict the future and while I don't know what physical state your Mum is currently in (from your post she sound healthy), wait until you come to that bridge to cross it.

^^ This. Keep living your life as best you can and don't be working on the basis that you're going to have to give it all up to come home and look after your mother. If something happens down the line, come to a joint decision with your brothers and work from there. You'd be surprised how people can change their tune when push comes to shove.

dollypet

I am in a similar situation with my mother. She is super close with her Mam and there is little space left for me.

She would have expected much more from me growing up than my brother. And even now if there is a family meal (xmas or whatever) She does not sit down until everyone is served and expects me to do the same. I do it as sure feck it- its my family and its what my role is there and its not that often.

She brings up that she will live with me in the future. Jokingly. And I jokingly say no its not happening. Its not a joke on either side.

I get where you are coming from. She wont listen and if she is anything like my mother there is no hope of a reasoned discussion. I would arrange my life so there is no space for you to be able to mind her. Aim her in the direction of the brother with the biggest house.

As an aside: they want to live with their daughter because she already trained in how they like to have things done. A son means (generally) a wife- a woman who will do things as her mother trained her or even worse how she likes things done herself.

3DataModem

unreasonable_expectations? wrote: »

I have never been very forthcoming with her about anything that's really going on in my life. I like to keep that stuff private, as any time I have opened up to her in the past she has been very judgemental.

So stop opening up. Don't look for approval from her. This is a hard lesson to learn for anyone, but there is no 'solution'. It's just the way it is. You can't change how people feel, just how YOU act.

unreasonable_expectations? wrote: »

Anyway, during a conversation this week, she brought up how daughters are supposed to look after their mothers, and as the only daughter in the family, I would be the one who would have to look after her when she was older.

Tell her you don't agree with this, and leave it at that. The day will come when she'll need your help and you can re-assess then. Making an issue of it now is only going to cause conflict. If she pushes, tell her she should be focusing on getting some daughter-in-laws who agree with her.