I can't stop crying

LegacyUser

I found out this evening that my young daughter is pregnant. I'm devastated, absolutely gutted. I'm tired of being strong for my children, absolutely weary to the core. Every time I surmount one problem another appears, but this is just too huge. Her life has barely gotten off the ground and now what! I don't care that that we will get through it whatever decision she makes. I'm tired of getting through things, putting on a brave face, making the best of things. I want to yell and shout and shake my fist at the gods or spit on the universe. I want to scream with a rage that I can barely contain.

Yes, I know that that things will fall into place, it isn't the end of the world, that she has choices. That's great. I don't have choices though. I'm stuck with dealing with whatever choice she makes.

I know that sounds totally selfish, but tonight her dad and I am going to be selfish and rail against the unfairness of the situation and tomorrow I will turn back into good and accepting mother.

I don't really need advice, I just wanted to let some of the misery and anger I feel escape.

Tokyo

OP, I understand that this must be a shock for you - it's only been a few hours since you have been caught completely unawares by this news, and for many parents it's their worst nightmare come true in the sense that it is so far removed from the aspirations they have for their teenage children, and it's pretty clear from your post that you are using this forum to vent your frustrations.

I am not going to pretend that you have received the best news in the world, but its not the worst either, so it might be an idea to take a breath, take stock of the situation, calm down and then start to rationalise. Your daughter has probably just had the most difficult conversation of her life so far with you today, and now you need to be calm, loving and supportive even though it is your worst nightmare. I know its hard and you want to be angry and scream at her, but it will achieve nothing.

Whatever the issues of the past might be, they are done and dusted, and you shouldn't drag them into this current situation. The fact is, your grandchild is coming into this world whether you like it or not, and the last thing your daughter needs right now is your disappointment in her. She is going to need a huge amount of love and support and now is the time for that unconditional parental love to kick in. You might feel gutted, but your young daughter must be terrified. No teenager could be ok with finding out she is pregnant.

Its perfectly ok for you to be devastated for the moment, it's completely understandable, but I think you're overdramatising and handwringing when you say that you are "stuck with dealing with whatever choice she makes". At the end of the day she is the one who has really lost out. She has lost her childhood and will now have responsibilities that nobody expected she would have to take on for quite a few years. And you will need to set those thoughts aside, and look at it from her perspective for now.

You say that you don't have choices, but you do. You can choose to be supportive of your daughter, and to help her through this. Obviously we can't tell from your post what the situation with the father is, or what options she may be considering, but regardless, she needs your support and you will need to start looking at ways she can continue with her life, instead of finding reasons why she can't live up to your expectations. This is what she needs right now - I imagine that despite the bravado, she is probably very scared and just needs her mother to give her a hug and tell her that everything will be OK. And it will be. Good luck OP.

LegacyUser

Thanks, Mike, for your post. I'm sorry, I knew when writing that post that it wasn't a great idea but I really needed to let some steam off. Don't worry, I was the most supportive mother you can imagine to her yesterday and I will be again when today starts for her. I will help her achieve all that she would have achieved baby or no baby if that is what she wants. I will be there for her 100%.

Calmsurrender

Its perfectly ok for you to be devastated for the moment, it's completely understandable, but I think you're overdramatising and handwringing when you say that you are "stuck with dealing with whatever choice she makes". At the end of the day she is the one who has really lost out. She has lost her childhood and will now have responsibilities that nobody expected she would have to take on for quite a few years. And you will need to set those thoughts aside, and look at it from her perspective for now.

But I think this is why the OP is here. She's going to spend the next 8 months to 18 years and beyond holding her tongue and putting her daughter and grandchild's feelings first because she will be a good support to them (hopefully).
It's a bit unfair to dismiss her feelings and say she's handwringing - if her daughter still lives at home its something that changes everything for everyone in the house - even if she's not , or if she chooses to have an abortion - who will be supporting the girl, paying for it, holding her hand and helping her through every step? Her mum. Or if the girl decides on adoption , what ever the decisions that are made, while they can be managed and dealt with and not the end of the world it's not always as simple as chanting "you must get on with it and support your daughter the end". She knows that's what she's gonna do, she said as much in her OP!
IMO she had every right to "handwring" as you put it, even if it's only on here or to a good friend. Not to her daughter of course though.

Tokyo

So sad, so angry wrote: »

Thanks, Mike, for your post. I'm sorry, I knew when writing that post that it wasn't a great idea but I really needed to let some steam off. Don't worry, I was the most supportive mother you can imagine to her yesterday and I will be again when today starts for her. I will help her achieve all that she would have achieved baby or no baby if that is what she wants. I will be there for her 100%.

OP, I think you did the right thing by posting here - one of the points that I was trying to make that may have slipped through the cracks at 3am when I responded was that your feelings are perfectly valid. I saw exactly the same reaction in my own family 19 years ago with my cousin who was 15 at the time, and was there for the shouting match when she told her mother that she was pregnant.

I was actually chatting to her morning over coffee (she's happily married now and said child is in university) and mentioned reading this thread last night, and we were talking about her pregnancy and the aftermath of it, and one thing she did say that stuck with me was that that constant anger and disappointment throughout the course of her pregnancy coloured the entire experience, and even though her child was the best thing that ever happened to her, even though her mother would now put her life on the line for her grandchildren, she still can't think back on her pregnancy without those feelings rushing back, and feeling like the biggest disappointment in the world all over again.

Her advice for what it's worth, (which seems to be your plan anyways) was to vent all you want away from the eyes of your daughter. Here is a perfectly good place to do so. But be the supportive mother that you say you want to be, from morning to nightfall, and there are days that it won't be easy to do so. These up and coming months are going to be scary for her, and how you deal with it will stick with her for years to come.

Good luck OP.

vitani

mike_ie wrote: »

I was actually chatting to her morning over coffee (she's happily married now and said child is in university) and mentioned reading this thread last night, and we were talking about her pregnancy and the aftermath of it, and one thing she did say that stuck with me was that that constant anger and disappointment throughout the course of her pregnancy coloured the entire experience, and even though her child was the best thing that ever happened to her, even though her mother would now put her life on the line for her grandchildren, she still can't think back on her pregnancy without those feelings rushing back, and feeling like the biggest disappointment in the world all over again.

That's an excellent point. I had an unplanned pregnancy - although I was a lot older than your daughter, it still happened at a really bad time for me and to add insult to injury, the father decided he didn't want to be involved. While my family were amazing in terms of support, the attitude they adopted was a wartime 'we'll get through this' mentality.

I'm not saying they should have been throwing me a party to celebrate or anything, but their attitude definitely coloured how I felt and that shame stuck with me after my daughter was born, making her first few months a very difficult time.