My brother's an alcoholic

FamilyMember

Hi all,
I'm a complete newbie to Boards, and any online forum in fact. I may be posting this in the wrong place, but from what I've read, I'm sure you'll all keep me right.
The truth is. I have a brother who is an alcoholic and I'm struggling to deal with it. He has an addiction to prescription drugs also. Everything has come to a head in the last week as he has become suicidal and I've spent several nights up with him in an attempt to keep him from doing 'something stupid'. Alcoholism in itself isn't new to me - I spent years as a teenager trying to get my alcoholic father to stop drinking. Unfortunately, this didn't end well as he committed suicide after I fought with him for 8 years to overcome the alcoholism.
I can't physically, mentally, or emotionally do another 8 year battle. Yet, I know there is no 'quick fix' for my brother.
I know of all the support available out there - and I'm open to that and will go there. What I would really like from you 'Boardies' is any support or suggestions which may help, without referring me to the other support networks available.
Sometimes, the best advice and support comes from those who have lived it and are living it!

RoyalMarine

you need genuine help and support. I don't think your going to get it here.

mdwexford

Defo wrong place for serious advice.

TeddyTedson

FamilyMember wrote: »

Hi all,
I'm a complete newbie to Boards, and any online forum in fact. I may be posting this in the wrong place, but from what I've read, I'm sure you'll all keep me right.
The truth is. I have a brother who is an alcoholic and I'm struggling to deal with it. He has an addiction to prescription drugs also. Everything has come to a head in the last week as he has become suicidal and I've spent several nights up with him in an attempt to keep him from doing 'something stupid'. Alcoholism in itself isn't new to me - I spent years as a teenager trying to get my alcoholic father to stop drinking. Unfortunately, this didn't end well as he committed suicide after I fought with him for 8 years to overcome the alcoholism.
I can't physically, mentally, or emotionally do another 8 year battle. Yet, I know there is no 'quick fix' for my brother.
I know of all the support available out there - and I'm open to that and will go there. What I would really like from you 'Boardies' is any support or suggestions which may help, without referring me to the other support networks available.
Sometimes, the best advice and support comes from those who have lived it and are living it!

Sorry to hear that, that's a terrible situation to be in. You might want to try the personal issues forum though for better responses. Maybe a mod will move this for you.

Muise...

Al Anon.

I bet there's a group near you. They'll help you, and then you might be of some help to your brother, but that'll be up to him in the end. Mind yourself.

x

Sorry, just reread your OP and see that you didn't want referrals to support groups. You did ask for advice from people who have been there though - and my advice is still to seek a support group. Al Anon is made up of people who have been there.

FamilyMember

Thanks all - wasn't sure if it was the right place. Any mods care to help?!

Harold Weiss

There should be an Alcohol and Substance Abuse Counselling and Advisory service near you.
They would know best. They're run by HSE and would probably refer him to rehabilitation facility.

Although it's not for me to say, your brothers alcohol problem is not your responsibility.

I've personal experience helping family members with alcoholism too and unfortunately I had to let them be. The more you try to help them, the more they drain you in the ways you've described feeling.

I know it's tough, but sometimes you have to let them go.
If he wants help, he can get it. There are groups and services available to him, IF he wants to stop drinking.
If he doesn't want to stop, there's nothing you can do about it.

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

Posting this in AH will be fine. Its usually a light hearted forum, but the vast majority of posters know when to lay off the jokes.

OP, whether you want to see a support group or not, you need support. You can't carry your brother's problems by yourself. I'm going to echo the above advice and say visit alcoholics anonymous.

Sorry its not what you wanted to hear, but it is the best advice.

Smidge

AH'ers can give some of the best advice ever!
We are not just all a bunch of pee takers(well, usually we are but we can be genuine too:)). I think thats because its such a broad mix in here.

How old is your brother OP?
Is he living with parents/alone?
From your OP its sounds like you are handling this alone. Do you have any other family members to help?

Edit; How old are you Op and how old is the brother?

J_E

Don't drag yourself down too far - you can only help a person caught up in alcoholism so much. Usually it takes the one time they hit rock bottom for them to suddenly have that moment of realisation. I know you might not want it to come to that though should it end up worse than imagined. Is he the hiding sort at home or does he go out? I'd be worried about the prescription drugs - codeine or the like? There's too many questions to be able to ask on a public forum so feel free to PM me (few years of this sort of thing although it doesn't mean I'll immediately relate to your situation)

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

FamilyMember wrote: »

Thanks all - wasn't sure if it was the right place. Any mods care to help?!

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=127

PM a mod to move, you'll find their names at the bottom. Best of luck..

FamilyMember

Still just getting the hang of this so if I've done it wrong forgive me!
My brother has just turned 28 & I am 35. I have been handling it alone to date but recent events have involved other family members - in fact, some of them are flying half way across the world as we speak because of what has happened in the last week. He lived with me until a couple of months ago - no parents. I knew moving away from me would be a 'make or break' situation for him - but it's broken him more than I ever thought..and it's killing me. I'm trying my best to keep my family together, but I feel like I'm 14 and helpless again.

Smidge wrote: »

AH'ers can give some of the best advice ever!
We are not just all a bunch of pee takers(well, usually we are but we can be genuine too:)). I think thats because its such a broad mix in here.

How old is your brother OP?
Is he living with parents/alone?
From your OP its sounds like you are handling this alone. Do you have any other family members to help?

Edit; How old are you Op and how old is the brother?

BetterThanThou

Sadly, when it comes to any mental related issues, you can't help someone who's not willing to accept help, have you discussed getting help with him? If he's not willing to get help, there's really nothing you can do. If he is willing, as people have said, joining a support group would be a good option, as well as getting in touch with his GP. As addiction is often caused by something else, there is likely a void in your brother's life that he tried to cover up with alcohol and drugs, possibly related to your father's unfortunate death. Just make sure he knows that no matter what, you'll always be there for him.

FamilyMember

Having dealt with an alcoholic father who 'couldn't be helped' I understand what you're saying. Trouble is, this is my baby brother, and I don't want him to go the same way as my father, so leaving him to his own devices is just not an option this time.

Cydoniac wrote: »

Don't drag yourself down too far - you can only help a person caught up in alcoholism so much. Usually it takes the one time they hit rock bottom for them to suddenly have that moment of realisation. I know you might not want it to come to that though should it end up worse than imagined. Is he the hiding sort at home or does he go out? I'd be worried about the prescription drugs - codeine or the like? There's too many questions to be able to ask on a public forum so feel free to PM me (few years of this sort of thing although it doesn't mean I'll immediately relate to your situation)

sandra06

your doing a great job ,none of this is your fault at least you be getting help soon;)

FamilyMember

BetterThanThou wrote: »

Sadly, when it comes to any mental related issues, you can't help someone who's not willing to accept help, have you discussed getting help with him? If he's not willing to get help, there's really nothing you can do. If he is willing, as people have said, joining a support group would be a good option, as well as getting in touch with his GP. As addiction is often caused by something else, there is likely a void in your brother's life that he tried to cover up with alcohol and drugs, possibly related to your father's unfortunate death. Just make sure he knows that no matter what, you'll always be there for him.

I totally agree - and he has finally admitted to needing help, which we are getting him. I guess my original post ans the conversations which have followed both publicly and privately are part of my help. You're right when you say there is a root cause to it all. It's partially to do with my father's death, but unfortunately moreso to do with the fact that my brother is gay and cannot accept it - in fact, he hates himself for it. When I saw the state he got into the other night, I cried - no man, woman or child should be made despise themselves by society. We should be ashamed of ourselves that we've let it go on so long.

stefan idiot jones

Post your concerns in the Non Drinkers Forum. There are loads of good people that are/have gone through similar ordeals.

Good luck and well done.

FamilyMember

Cydoniac wrote: »

Don't drag yourself down too far - you can only help a person caught up in alcoholism so much. Usually it takes the one time they hit rock bottom for them to suddenly have that moment of realisation. I know you might not want it to come to that though should it end up worse than imagined. Is he the hiding sort at home or does he go out? I'd be worried about the prescription drugs - codeine or the like? There's too many questions to be able to ask on a public forum so feel free to PM me (few years of this sort of thing although it doesn't mean I'll immediately relate to your situation)

He's hit 'rock bottom' - and acknowledged it, thankfully. Believe me, it was a moment none of us ever wanted to happen. He's hidden everything - although the prescription drugs issue is more recent than the alcohol- anti depressants, sleeping pills, drugs to help with the side effects ofr coming off alcohol...I'm not even sure anymore what exactly he's been taking, but it's not good. Like I said in some of my previous replies, he has started to face up to it now, and I guess I have too. I feel scared and alone, but I just want him to be happy...right now, that seems a million miles away.

Tetra

I have been in your brothers shoes. With the help of my therapist and AA and my family I am now happily sober.

He is lucky to have a brother like you.

bodhrandude

Hey man stay strong, I know exactly what your going through, I lost a brother to the drink in 1986, he died from asphyxiation with too much booze in the system. All I can implore is to stay in touch and check in on him anytime you can, all you can do is show him subtly sometimes that his state is hurting you, I know its hard but YOU can only do the best you can.

Ruu

Hiya, can move your post if you wish. Just send me a private message, normally After Hours wouldn't be the spot but it's your call. Hope you and your brother can turn the corner, sounds like you are on the right track. Check the links below for more support.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057082164 (links)
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=1015 (non drinkers group)

P_1

Unfortunately you cannot change somebody's life choices and are left to only being able to pick up the pieces.

Something I've experimented with lately is switching to cokes and the likes towards the end of the night. Now it is different if your brother is an alcoholic but perhaps it might be something to try to introduce to his drinking habbits at least in a bid to reduce any hangovers the morning after

Sunnyisland

FamilyMember wrote: »

Hi all,
I'm a complete newbie to Boards, and any online forum in fact. I may be posting this in the wrong place, but from what I've read, I'm sure you'll all keep me right.
The truth is. I have a brother who is an alcoholic and I'm struggling to deal with it. He has an addiction to prescription drugs also. Everything has come to a head in the last week as he has become suicidal and I've spent several nights up with him in an attempt to keep him from doing 'something stupid'. Alcoholism in itself isn't new to me - I spent years as a teenager trying to get my alcoholic father to stop drinking. Unfortunately, this didn't end well as he committed suicide after I fought with him for 8 years to overcome the alcoholism.
I can't physically, mentally, or emotionally do another 8 year battle. Yet, I know there is no 'quick fix' for my brother.
I know of all the support available out there - and I'm open to that and will go there. What I would really like from you 'Boardies' is any support or suggestions which may help, without referring me to the other support networks available.
Sometimes, the best advice and support comes from those who have lived it and are living it!

Your brother HAS to be willing to do this for himself without other people trying to get him sober. He has to want sobriety for himself first and foremost. My experience has been that everytime I've tried to get sober for other people it hasn't worked. It's lasted a few weeks usually before I started letting everyone down again. Then the poor victim mentality would come in "poor me!" and everyone would give me a pat on the back for trying; and then ask me to get back on the wagon. Which I did for another few weeks maybe.

If he's serious about getting well and wanting to stand on his own two feet then he's going to need a lot of support from like minded people i.e. fellow alcoholics. I believe the therapeutic value of one alcoholic helping another alcoholic is unparalleled. Everyone has something to teach us about our behaviours and patterns of thinking but we alcoholics know what it is like to be caught up obsessing about drink more than anyone!!

Your brother and you WILL need help & support,check these websites out now and best of luck,

http://www.bottled-up.com/

http://www.alcoholicsanonymous.ie/Information-on-AA/Information-for-Family-&-Friends

sawdoubters

can you get him to an aa meeting or counseling


http://www.helpguide.org/mental/alcohol_abuse_alcoholism_signs_effects_treatment.htm


http://www.hazelden.org/web/public/has90412.page


http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/about/f/faq12.htm


http://goaskalice.columbia.edu/how-can-i-help-my-alcoholic-family-member

Penny Tration

Hey there, Family Member.

First, your sound like a fantastic brother/sister to him. That you haven't washed your hands of tge situation is a credit to you.

You need support.

Your brother has hit rock bottom and admitted he needs help. So he will get the help he needs.

Now it's your turn. Speak to your gp, tell them what you're going through, and arrange help for yourself, too.

The more mentally and emotionally healthy you are, the stronger a support you can be for your brother.

Best of luck x

FamilyMember

FamilyMember wrote: »

Sometimes, the best advice and support comes from those who have lived it and are living it!

Unfortunately the person has to want to stop themself. If they do not then trying to get them to not only will not actually help - but will likely damage or even end your relationship with them.

However a later post in the thread suggests that he has admitted this and is at the point where he does want to seek help.

The best you can do is just support him in this. The gift of your time is also possibly the most powerful thing you can do. When a person removes alcohol from their lives it leaves a hole. Something has to go into that hole to fill it. Too often alcohol pours itself back in. The trick is to fill that hole with something else before that can happen. Some people do fill it with AA and the like.

What this will be for you I can not say - only you can. Maybe you will take up salsa lessons three times a week together. Maybe start a book club. Maybe go learn a language. Maybe take up meditation. Maybe just start playing chess. Who knows - this is for you to research - choose - and test. But the key is to fill that hole in his life as soon as it opens.

But if you invest time in this together it will fill that hole - maybe add a new and interesting dimension to your own life as well as his - and perhaps bring you closer together.

FamilyMember wrote: »

to do with the fact that my brother is gay and cannot accept it - in fact, he hates himself for it. When I saw the state he got into the other night, I cried - no man, woman or child should be made despise themselves by society. We should be ashamed of ourselves that we've let it go on so long.

A few people have suggested some groups despite you asking not to get that from us - but if people are going to insist on group support then perhaps alcoholic groups are no the way to go. Perhaps read the Gay forum around here and look at THOSE support groups that are recommended there.

And not all of us are "letting it go on so long". A lot of us very actively work against the homophobic nature of our society in as big a way as we can.

Chrisita

My addictions stemmed from some biochemical errors that caused very high levels of inner tension. Was your brother always anxious? If so research copper overload and pyroluria. These are easily corrected with vitamins.

username123

My own experience with my fathers alcoholism and the experiences of the people I met at Alanon suggested to me that the alcoholic is usually happy to use any excuse for the alcoholism. But there seems to be some generational component.

My father was a handsome, successful, bright, intelligent man with a nice wife and 2 good kids - but his reality was so painful that he drank himself senseless daily to blot it out. He was then able to justify his drinking by the pain he felt at being so weak that he couldnt stop drinking. Bit of a catch-22.

I believe the truth was that he had undiagnosed mental health issues. A number of his brothers and sisters were alcoholics also. His mother was generally considered to be a nutcase and his father had had a gambling addiction and was completely tee total because, guess what?, his father had been a raving alcoholic.

Anyway, he never recovered and died an alcoholic.

All you can do to help your brother is to learn how not to enable him and how to detach with love. I was never able to learn how to detach with love, I detached with anger. But the principle is simply that you step back and leave the alcoholic to choose their own path without you always trying to do damage limitation and that you stop trying to control their behaviours. You have to tell the alcoholic that you will be there for them 100% supportive IF they get help for themselves, but until then, there is nothing you can do for them. And step back. Live your own life, stop trying to live theirs.

Yes, sometimes alcoholics die when left to their own devices but you cant live someone elses life for them. Its not possible or appropriate for you to be around treating the person like a child who cant make their own decisions - an adult is entitled to make their own choices - even if you dont agree with those choices.

Tombo2001

I cant give you any advice about alcoholism; but I would express this view:

This is obviously taking its toll on you also.

Its a heavy burden....

Thats not to say you should shirk it. But you personally may need help to get through this, and maybe you should seek out counselling of some sort whether its informally through friends (who may not be as supportive as you hope for, as they just 'dont know how to deal with it') or more formally through maybe some AA related counsellor, or to talking to the people who have been in a similar situation, people whose brothers/ sisters/ kids/ parents have been alcoholics.

Good luck.

The One Doctor

This is one of those questions that is only answered by asking your brother to get help. The responsibility is on your brother's shoulders and if you've asked him to get help repeatedly that it's up to him in the end. Nobody can be forced to make the right decision, and frankly it usually makes things worse. They need to realise they need help themselves. If your brother has a partner and children, I recommend you speak to them to see how they're getting on.

keithclancy

Unfortunately most alcoholics need to hit rock bottom before they will help themselves.

All you can do is offer support, but telling them what to do will get you nowhere, they must make the choice themselves.

bear1

OP, maybe my experience can help you somewhat.
My father was an alcoholic until recently. Ever since I started having my first memories he was always there with a beer and a fag.
He was quite violent towards myself, my brother and my mother but only after hitting the drink.
He has done some amount of damage to the family but we stuck by him, I'm probably the most distant to him due to my years of constant fear of him and the mess I've witnessed.
Things really started to turn for the worse in '95 when we moved to Roscommon.
My father hated living there, he was taken off the road prior to this for drink driving and wrote of our car. So he had no license and no car.
He was stuck in the house 24 hours a day waiting for both me and my brother to get back from school.
He was going mad, the drinking became a daily routine.
He would wake up in the morning and there would be a can of Druids reading and waiting.
This lasted until 2004 when they finally moved to Loughrea (just outside Galway).
You could immediately see the difference. He got his license back and got a car.
He would go to the nearby lake and walk around, no longer feeling isolated and alone.
The drinking gradually began to decline with a few blips along the way.
Here we are 10 years later and he is a changed man, he has lost weight from not binge drinking anymore and is more cheerful and energetic.
Of course, I will still see him once or twice a week (whenever I'm home) with a can or two and it doesn't bother me as long as he stays in control.
My point being, maybe your brother needs a change of direction, space, atmosphere.
Something which shows just how precious life is and how short it can be.
I would suggest, if possible, maybe a small break for him. A trip somewhere calm, fresh.
Best of luck OP

sopretty

Can I just say, that it is not anyone's place to state that an alcoholic has hit their rock bottom.
I have been TOLD that I have met my rock bottom by non-alcoholics before.
They were wrong.
For some, rock bottom is a grave.

Penny Tration

sopretty wrote: »

Can I just say, that it is not anyone's place to state that an alcoholic has hit their rock bottom.
I have been TOLD that I have met my rock bottom by non-alcoholics before.
They were wrong.
For some, rock bottom is a grave.

People are trying to offer support to the OP. Telling her that her brother may not have hit rock bottom, and for some people, rock bottom is a grave? That's likely to make here feel worse, not better!

It might be reality, but we're all just trying to offer support, not necessarily realities.

Muise...

green_screen wrote: »

People are trying to offer support to the OP. Telling her that her brother may not have hit rock bottom, and for some people, rock bottom is a grave? That's likely to make here feel worse, not better!

It might be reality, but we're all just trying to offer support, not necessarily realities.

Support not based on realities is as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike.

sopretty

green_screen wrote: »

People are trying to offer support to the OP. Telling her that her brother may not have hit rock bottom, and for some people, rock bottom is a grave? That's likely to make here feel worse, not better!

It might be reality, but we're all just trying to offer support, not necessarily realities.

I understand that. But reality is what the op needs to hear. She is as powerless over his addiction as he is.
She will not help him by telling him ' well you've reached your rock bottom, you'll be sorted soon'
The op asked how to help her brother. The harsh harsh reality is that she can't. She can refuse to facilitate his drinking if she so wishes, she can lug him to gp's, counsellors, rehabs.
But he does not sound like he wants to quit.

greenheart

FamilyMember wrote: »

Still just getting the hang of this so if I've done it wrong forgive me!
My brother has just turned 28 & I am 35. I have been handling it alone to date but recent events have involved other family members - in fact, some of them are flying half way across the world as we speak because of what has happened in the last week. He lived with me until a couple of months ago - no parents. I knew moving away from me would be a 'make or break' situation for him - but it's broken him more than I ever thought..and it's killing me. I'm trying my best to keep my family together, but I feel like I'm 14 and helpless again.

Sorry about the situation your in, addiction's are such a curse and in my experience most addicts don't know what damage their doing to themselves and others. My friend filmed her alcoholic father when he was going through one of his week long benders, it really gave him a wake up call and he entered rehab.
Maybe something like this would be worth a try.
Good luck in whatever you do.

mathepac

OP like others I would encourage you to contact AlAnon / Family Support Groups in your area for support yourself. As you will probably learn there your are powerless over your brother's addiction.

BetterThanThou wrote: »

... As addiction is often caused by something else, there is likely a void in your brother's life that he tried to cover up with alcohol and drugs, possibly related to your father's unfortunate death. ...

One of the dangers of posting in a non-specialist forum is you get uninformed unhelpful posts like this one.

Addiction is not caused by something else - it is a primary illness / disease / disorder. You cannot "cure" or fix addiction by treating another condition; that would be like filling a tooth-cavity to fix a broken leg.

I hope you and your brother can get the help you seem to need.

Techno_Toaster

Hi op! I'm in a similar situation. I found you have to step back. As impossible as it seems by letting your brother walk over you your just enabling him in the long run. Tough love isn't easy but it's necessary. You need to step back and realise that this isn't your problem, it's not something you can change, HE has to change and unless he wants to there is sadly not a lot you can do.

I know from long conversations and heart to hearts with my family member that promises are made but also broken. All you can do is be there for him and support him but make it clear exactly what your going through. I would recommend a support group or even calling on of the many support groups. Sometimes you just need to talk to an actual person who has been in the same situation to see there are always solutions...although the advice you get may not be what you want.

In any case beat of luck op and hold in there:)