feelingveryused!

LegacyUser

Hi ill try keep this short as possible.
Im feeling very low and down and much of this has been going on since x mas. First of all I am from a dysfunctionl family where I get the blame for everything and always have. I started attending counselling last year because of this last year and am learning to deal with my issues. I am a classic co dependant always putting everyone elses feelings first. I was bullied all thoughout my childhood mentally, verbally and sometimes physically . I never hated anyone. I would always see it from their point of view and blame myself.
When with friends I would start to talk, they would speak over me and make me feel like what I have to say isn't important, regularly cancel on me, not want me around when better people are there etc. Im one that goes out to the shop for someone when they need something but when I need to go to the doctor everyone is really busy!
Anyway I started realising through counselling that I shouldn't be blaming myself for others behavious and that I was basically being walked over. Gradually I found my own interest and started to look after myself a little bit and learn to say no.
Something happened at x mas with a friend of mine where she pushed me. We were drunk and the next day she was pretending it didn't happen. This made me made and when I brought it up I was told I was being a drama queen as usual , that she was prepared to laugh it off and I just wouldn't let it go.
the thing is I didn't want to make a drama out of it I just wanted it acknowledged that it happened. anyway it just ended up in me being a drama queen and her not talking to me.

Fast forward, 3 weeks a girl from school just randomly abused me on the street, No one believes it happens and im the bad one for being upset over it . I basically shouldn't talk about it to people because she is cool and im not. !
I was also helping out this old man who is an alchoholic I asked him would he think about stopping drinking. I didn't think much of what I said to him but after wards he said he was giving up after what I said to him and it was all because of me he was giving up. Now hes back drinking and who is getting nasty messages in the middle of the night. Moi!
Anyway the last week ive been feeling as low as I have ever been . It was my birthday couple weeks ago no one even cared when I am the one that usually tries to get everyone together for other peoples birthday. I have been talking to my counseller and the question I am left with is it is me or my fault that this is happening or am I attracted to people that treat me like crap. My parents treat me like crap , my family treats me like crap I end up falling out with people when I try to stand up for myself that now I regret ever standing up for myself and wish I d just laughed it off as I did all my life.?

thefeatheredcat

A belated Happy Birthday to you OP! I hope in all of this, you have done something nice for yourself and treated yourself to something nice. If you haven't done so, then do treat yourself.

socalledfriends? wrote: »

Something happened at x mas with a friend of mine where she pushed me.

She is not your friend. There is one thing I have learned is that many people don't like a change in the dynamic of a friendship or a relationship where something that is considered normal and accepted, is now seen as not normal or acceptable behaviour to one party. For the better of yourself and in putting yourself first, you are better off without this "friend" in your life. You may not see the benefit now, but in time as you evolve through counseling and see things differently, you will be glad she isn't talking to you now and allowing you the opportunity to see what a cow she is and that what she did, in pushing you was wrong. You probably will never get an acknowledgement from her that it was wrong, so don't waste your energy on looking for it, but the important thing is that you learn that her behaviour was wrong and that it is not acceptable for her, or anyone else, to do that to you, and that the behaviour itself is not your fault, but a bad reflection of that "friend".

socalledfriends? wrote: »

Fast forward, 3 weeks a girl from school just randomly abused me on the street

Again this is not your fault. It is a negative reflection of the person who did this, probably for no reason, other than to upset and antagonise you and to make themselves feel better in targeting you. In truth, their behaviour had nothing really to do with you. But it does give you the idea that the person is not a nice person and that her behaviour is not a reflection of the person you are.

socalledfriends? wrote: »

I was also helping out this old man who is an alchoholic I asked him would he think about stopping drinking. I didn't think much of what I said to him but after wards he said he was giving up after what I said to him and it was all because of me he was giving up. Now hes back drinking and who is getting nasty messages in the middle of the night. Moi!

I don't know about this one OP. If you are helping him through a programme or organisation voluntarily, could you get someone to view the messages he is sending and explain the situation to them as you have explained here and seek advice on them how to handle it, especially if you are maybe doing volunteer work such as cleaning or generally helping them with shopping? If not, then you should block his number if it is just someone you know or contact the Gardai for advice if the messages are abusive in any way.

I think you should take a step back from helping others for a while, simply so you can focus entirely on yourself. A few years ago, all my friends forgot my birthday. The only people who remembered were my family and my colleagues where my team mates gave me a muffin with a candle on it and cakes in the past. But my friends... nothing. And these were people I'd known for a good many years and slowly I began to wake up that they were ****ty friends who had no problem expecting me to hold their hand, help them whenever it suited and as it turned out, the one time I really, really needed help, none of them were there for me. It opened my eyes and really hurt and upset me. But I did realise they were ****ty people who weren't really my friends (there was a lot more than just not being there and forgetting birthdays) and so I cut them out of my life. And I am a lot happier.

I realised myself that I have a tendency to be more mindful and caring to others than I am to myself and have been walked over by people. I have taken responsibility in that people have only done that because I've given them the opportunity to do so by not saying no and not prioritizing myself and giving too much to others knowing it will never be reciprocated. And then at the same time, I do realise some people just can be horrible people for absolutely no reason except that they are horrible people and it has nothing to do with me.

It is always worth standing up for yourself. Nobody else is going to stand up for you, that I know myself, so you have to do it for yourself. Why? Because you owe it to yourself, because you should care, value and love yourself too, as much as you might other people that you would stand up for when the time comes. But it's hard to change and stand up for yourself. It's scary and I've often felt stupid or in the wrong standing up for myself to the point of regret. But in time, if you do stand up for yourself when it's necessary and do it enough times, it gets easier and you see the point and merit of it afterall.

LegacyUser

thefeatheredcat wrote: »

A belated Happy Birthday to you OP! I hope in all of this, you have done something nice for yourself and treated yourself to something nice. If you haven't done so, then do treat yourself.



She is not your friend. There is one thing I have learned is that many people don't like a change in the dynamic of a friendship or a relationship where something that is considered normal and accepted, is now seen as not normal or acceptable behaviour to one party. For the better of yourself and in putting yourself first, you are better off without this "friend" in your life. You may not see the benefit now, but in time as you evolve through counseling and see things differently, you will be glad she isn't talking to you now and allowing you the opportunity to see what a cow she is and that what she did, in pushing you was wrong. You probably will never get an acknowledgement from her that it was wrong, so don't waste your energy on looking for it, but the important thing is that you learn that her behaviour was wrong and that it is not acceptable for her, or anyone else, to do that to you, and that the behaviour itself is not your fault, but a bad reflection of that "friend".



Again this is not your fault. It is a negative reflection of the person who did this, probably for no reason, other than to upset and antagonise you and to make themselves feel better in targeting you. In truth, their behaviour had nothing really to do with you. But it does give you the idea that the person is not a nice person and that her behaviour is not a reflection of the person you are.




I don't know about this one OP. If you are helping him through a programme or organisation voluntarily, could you get someone to view the messages he is sending and explain the situation to them as you have explained here and seek advice on them how to handle it, especially if you are maybe doing volunteer work such as cleaning or generally helping them with shopping? If not, then you should block his number if it is just someone you know or contact the Gardai for advice if the messages are abusive in any way.

I think you should take a step back from helping others for a while, simply so you can focus entirely on yourself. A few years ago, all my friends forgot my birthday. The only people who remembered were my family and my colleagues where my team mates gave me a muffin with a candle on it and cakes in the past. But my friends... nothing. And these were people I'd known for a good many years and slowly I began to wake up that they were ****ty friends who had no problem expecting me to hold their hand, help them whenever it suited and as it turned out, the one time I really, really needed help, none of them were there for me. It opened my eyes and really hurt and upset me. But I did realise they were ****ty people who weren't really my friends (there was a lot more than just not being there and forgetting birthdays) and so I cut them out of my life. And I am a lot happier.

I realised myself that I have a tendency to be more mindful and caring to others than I am to myself and have been walked over by people. I have taken responsibility in that people have only done that because I've given them the opportunity to do so by not saying no and not prioritizing myself and giving too much to others knowing it will never be reciprocated. And then at the same time, I do realise some people just can be horrible people for absolutely no reason except that they are horrible people and it has nothing to do with me.

It is always worth standing up for yourself. Nobody else is going to stand up for you, that I know myself, so you have to do it for yourself. Why? Because you owe it to yourself, because you should care, value and love yourself too, as much as you might other people that you would stand up for when the time comes. But it's hard to change and stand up for yourself. It's scary and I've often felt stupid or in the wrong standing up for myself to the point of regret. But in time, if you do stand up for yourself when it's necessary and do it enough times, it gets easier and you see the point and merit of it afterall.

Thanks very much for you reply. It has really helped me today x S

LegacyUser

HI just said id post here again..
So ive taken the advise here on board.. I am seeing a counsellor she thinks my "friend" don't even deserve my friendship and that I was friends with them due to lack of confidence.. the thing is now I have literally 2 people that I can ring up and have a chat with.. and one is busy with her own life and the other is living away... so now I have no friends really,, I take classes and enjoy them but realise that I am literally paying money to have a healthy social interaction.. I am involved in a club also but the people involved are way older than me.. so its not for friendship I am doing it.. I keep thinking if I get married I will literally have my 2 friends and a couple of other associates etc.. Am I better off having no friends for a while... I had a really strange dream the other night and I looked it up and it said it means the dreamer is a personal discovery or journey and show s self awareness.. it really fit.. but why do ifeel so bad ? I am not a dream freak by the way it was just an unusual dream !

LegacyUser

Just had to reply to say well done for taking the advice on board. Im in a v similar situation to you at the mo and im working up the courage to cut off my toxic friends.
I was the same as you in that I did everything for everyone and yet it was never recipricated.
In terms of friends I wouldnt look at the activity as paying for a social life, its paying to do an activity you enjoy with others, not like you have to buy friends! Would you try meetup.com? they do events with others who want to make friends? I thinkg some boards forums do meet ups too.
I wouldnt say dont have friends as that would deprive both you and others of joy and fun which would be a shame! I say that last part in total honesty as I was just like you, but coming to college I made proper friends for the first time in my life who actually think Im fun and want to hang round with me, something I never had before! You will get that too if you broaden your horizons, you are so clearly a kind hearted, excellent friend that anyone would be lucky to have(again speaking from experience of having a friend like that)
Good luck!

LegacyUser

solikeyou wrote: »

Just had to reply to say well done for taking the advice on board. Im in a v similar situation to you at the mo and im working up the courage to cut off my toxic friends.
I was the same as you in that I did everything for everyone and yet it was never recipricated.
In terms of friends I wouldnt look at the activity as paying for a social life, its paying to do an activity you enjoy with others, not like you have to buy friends! Would you try meetup.com? they do events with others who want to make friends? I thinkg some boards forums do meet ups too.
I wouldnt say dont have friends as that would deprive both you and others of joy and fun which would be a shame! I say that last part in total honesty as I was just like you, but coming to college I made proper friends for the first time in my life who actually think Im fun and want to hang round with me, something I never had before! You will get that too if you broaden your horizons, you are so clearly a kind hearted, excellent friend that anyone would be lucky to have(again speaking from experience of having a friend like that)
Good luck!

HI Thanks so much for your reply ... I ve been reading posts here its just crazy the amount of people that are being bullied... it s just awful!! Glad you've met new friends... I don't want to run out desperately and meet new friends because I just get attracted to the wrong people.. may be we should be friends ha .. thanks again

thefeatheredcat

Hi Op,

2 friends isn't even a bad thing, a lot of people will get to some stage where even if they know loads of people, they might only be able to count on one hand their real friends.

I would steer the focus away from thinking about getting married and not having friends, or a few friends, being there for the day. It's the quality of the friends that matter, in life.

I wouldn't suggest dropping the classes or even the club.... it's healthy social engagement and stuff like that probably will keep you going in the long run, with something to look forward to or get you out of the house, or focus on rather than ending up dwelling on negative things and feeling worse about your situation, or feeling worse about yourself. That sort of social contact is important, even if it isn't leading you to friendships, it still doesn't mean you won't benefit in some way even just the company aspect, or a platform to exchange ideas based on the class or the club and leanr stuff along the way.

You probably are on a journey, I mean, you have realised what your friend was like, and quite true that she was undeserving of your friendship and you are undertaking change, by counselling and maybe changing some stuff around in your life, or how you perceive yourself and bringing up your self esteem. That sort of change takes courage and it can be quite scary too.

Socalledfriends wrote: »

I don't want to run out desperately and meet new friends because I just get attracted to the wrong people

Just a thought on this.... take it in your stride. In time maybe your counsellor will talk about dealing with friendships involving the wrong sort of person (for example, friends who use you or put you down) and how better to identify characteristics and qualities in people in advance to prevent from being put in that sort of position again. If you don't particularly want to rush out and join groups to make friends, that's perfectly fine and maybe something to look forward to when you've gained some ground on looking after yourself a bit and dealing with any issues you have. I will say this, as much as we might all want friends, there is no point in starting and maintaining friendships with people who are going to treat you badly that will make you feel miserable and unhappy with yourself just for the sake of having a friend.