dating a hiv positive man

LegacyUser

I met a man about 3 years ago and he is very smart, sincere and good looking. He is very athletic and popular with the girls as they always comment on his looks.

Anyway he told me last year he was hiv positive the last 10 years. I was shocked and this worried me. He told me that his hiv level? is undectable and his immune system is very very strong. He is not gay, does not take drugs and looks after himself well. He has never been sick and certainly doesnt look it, the opposite he looks very healthy and fit

I ended up sleeping with him over the xmas and really liked it, he was great in bed and got me seeing a future with him. My problem is I cant decided and I keep changing my mind from day to day with him and it is causing alot of confusion between us.

Am I mad to date somone with hiv?

Tokyo

Hi OP,

No, I don't think that you are mad to date somebody with HIV, but having said that, like dating anybody with a serious illness, it's not something that can be simply pushed aside either. Like it or not this illness will affect your life together, and you need to make yourself aware of that.

HIV can complicate relationships in many ways - while you say that your partner is able to manage the disease well now, the disease will have its good days and bad days. There will be the anxiety and the cost that goes along with it, and it will impact your sex life. It's also still (sadly) highly stigmatised, so you will have to deal with that aspect of it too. And one final consideration is that your partner's lifespan *may* be shorter than your own.

At the end of the day it comes down to you - if you are able to see past this then the condition the guy has is irrelevant. But you also need to look into the long term, i.e. are you able to cope with what HIV/AIDS can do to a person, and the possibility of not being able to have a family? Unless you're willing to deal with all that, then this may not be the relationship for you.

I wish you luck.

Merkin

A dear friend of mine was diagnosed with HIV last year and it was a very upsetting/worrying time when he told me he wasn't well. Very few other people know. Like this guy, had no history of drug abuse, is hetro and the diagnosis came as a huge shock when he became very ill with meningitis. He is now doing really well and his health has improved leaps and bounds.

I've always been of the opinion that knowledge is power so for me I read as voraciously as possible on the topic and in particular consulted an amazing forum called www.poz.com which I can't recommend enough. There is an active community there and some specifically geared towards friends and loved ones of those who have been unfortunate enough to contract HIV. Look it up.

Thank goodness HIV is no longer the death sentence it once was and sufferers can go on to lead full and healthy lives as long as they lead a healthy lifestyle and eat well etc.

If you like this guy go for it but do educate yourself so that if it does get serious between you, you know everything you need to know about the illness and how you can support your partner etc. I hope it works out

HIV isn't AIDS, and one doesn't necessarily lead to the other. In almost all cases that don't have factors like other sti's or other serious infection, or chaotic drug use, and the drug regimen is adhered to, (I pill a day) the hiv + person will not develop AIDS.

While a persons viral load is undetectable, the virus is virtually untransmittable. Normal conception is possible with virtually no risk to the baby or mother/father. A normal life can be led with an almost normal life expectancy, with good management. It's important to remember too that drugs are constantly being refined and that the outlook is likely to continue to improve as time goes on, and that new treatments are under constant development. The situation is only going to improve, so there are plenty of reasons to be optimistic.

It's often said that a person with diabetes will have their lives compromised to a much greater degree than a person with good healthcare who is hiv+. Education is important in making decisions in these cases, and while the diabetes analogy fails because one can't 'catch' diabetes, if this man is conscious of his health and is well managed, the likelihood of him transmitting the virus is very, very low. Casual infection from daily life and contact is almost unheard of in the west. Sadly the stigma attached to this virus means that most people believe themselves to be at much greater risk from a person with HIV than they actually are. Surgeons with HIV are still allowed practise, as an example.

A well researched document was released by the Swiss government in 2008 known as the Swiss Statement. and it outlines the risk of infection, explained very simply here:

http://www.thebody.com/content/62517/the-swiss-statement-and-its-repercussions.html

Good luck with your decision.

fungun

I ended up sleeping with him over the xmas and really liked it, he was great in bed and got me seeing a future with him

if this is the primary reason that got you seeing a future with him, i wouldnt really be thinking of long term, hiv positive or not

it sounds like you are impressed with his looks etc and wanted to date him but not really a relationship, until he was good in bed. Well him being HIV positive will impact your relationship....if not now, definitely in the future. To even begin to contemplate a long term relationship with these boundary conditions (expected future illness/impact to lifestyle/children/worries if there is ever a 'spillage') you would need a very strong foundation, which to be honest, it doesnt sound like you have as yet.

Holsten

No I wouldn't say your mad at all.

As long as you protect yourself it shouldn't be a problem. You seem to be quite smitten so why not give it a shot?

Sleepy

I'll be honest OP, I couldn't do it unless it was a relationship I'd already been in for a long time before the condition was discovered. I'd simply be too afraid of contracting HIV myself to countenance embarking on a relationship with someone who was positive.

I know it's nothing like the life sentence it was when I was a child but those tombstone ads still influence my feelings on the matter (however illogical that might be, I was conditioned by a public health campaign in the 80's to be afraid of HIV/AIDS and it worked). When there's so many other potential partners out there, I don't see the sense in getting involved with one who may have long term health problems, who may give you those health problems and with whom a split condom could be so much more serious than the necessity of a trip to Boots for the morning after pill. Would I be wrong in thinking that certain more risky sexual activities (e.g. anal) may be off the cards for life too?

I'm sure the opinion may not be particularly popular (and I fully understand why I could be considered wrong in this) but for me, it would be a deal breaker in much the same way as my smoking would be a deal-breaker for a lot of non-smokers.

iusedtoknow

TBH i would be wary of it, but not negative.

For one thing, I would want to hear from a doctor myself about the levels of the virus, just for my own piece of mind. The other thing is read read read about the risks to you from sleeping with a HIV+ person and of possibly conceiving. While as mentioned above the risks can be negligible, it is still worth talking to professionals. While it's not clear how he caught it, I'd also expect full disclosure on that.

But once that is taken care of, there is no reason why you can't go on and have a happy, fulfilling relationship with him. I know someone with it, and he has a great quality of life, but it is always in the background that a bad cold or cough can lead to other things - he keeps himself very healthy and has a great quality of life - and by all accounts looks like he will continue to do so.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your feedback

Just to answer some questions

1) he got hiv from his ex partner who was using drugs
2) he has a son as do I,they get on very well
3) I went with him to the dr he goes to and asked alot of questions and got the same answers as

However, hiv is hiv, I dont mean this in a bad way but I too remember the ads from the 80s and also the stigma to it and I worry about catching and I worry about death

I did not want to enter a relationship with him at all but something seemed to change over the xmas time and we kissed , slept with each other and now Im just confused

LegacyUser

Just wondering OP, did you use condoms and if you are going to embark on a relationship, would condoms be a definite for any intercourse in the future or is it that it wouldnt be necessary with no viral load?
I am asking this with regard to a possibility of wanting children in the future.

confused 1982

confused 1982 wrote: »

Thanks for all your feedback

Just to answer some questions

1) he got hiv from his ex partner who was using drugs
2) he has a son as do I,they get on very well
3) I went with him to the dr he goes to and asked alot of questions and got the same answers as

However, hiv is hiv, I dont mean this in a bad way but I too remember the ads from the 80s and also the stigma to it and I worry about catching and I worry about death

I did not want to enter a relationship with him at all but something seemed to change over the xmas time and we kissed , slept with each other and now Im just confused

A lot has changed since the '80's, and it'll continue to change. What you need to do is decide if you'd want to be with him if he didn't have HIV, then ask yourself how much of an impact it really has on your life.

Put aside old advertisments and just deal with the facts as they are now.

From the link in my previous post:

the estimated residual risk to heterosexual couples where the HIV+ partner was on treatment was of the same order as other possible, but unlikely, hazards such as the risk of dying in an air crash or avalanche.

Only you know if you can get past the stigma, and if you can't that's fair enough.

Semele

I'm close friends with a couple in which one partner has been HIV+ for more than 10 years and it has changed my understanding and perceptions of the illness more than I would ever have imagined. It barely affects their lives at all and the guy who has HIV is potentially the healthiest and fittest person in our whole group of friends, with no concerns anymore about shortened lifespan etc.

His viral load is kept so low due to treatment that, as he says, if he were to be tested randomly now he wouldn't even register as positive. When this is the case transmission is very unlikely-his own body is barely positive itself never mind accidentally passing it on! Obviously they are careful about safe sex, accidents causing bleeding etc, but to a reasonable level of precaution and there is certainly no great panic about accidents happening.

Having seen this, and having chatted with them both about what it's like, I don think I'd hesitate to date a HIV+ person who was in good health anymore than I would someone with any long term health condition.

It is probably a factor that his partner is Scandinavian, where they are a lot more liberal and as a result were spared the fear-campaigning publicity about HIV that we got here/in the UK, so they never thought twice about it when the two of them first met- it wasn't remotely seen as the contagious death-sentence it unfortunately still has the stigma of being here.

suicide_circus

I would personally be terrified and run a mile but that is probably due to my own ignorance....fair play if you can get past it.

LegacyUser

If thinking about a long term future, as well as the health and emotional issues others have raised, give some thoughts to the practicalities. If you want to get a mortgage to buy a home together, will he be excluded from getting life assurance for example? Will you, as the partner of someone HIV positive, even if you are negative yourself? Insurance is horribly conservative and inability to access it can affect a lot of other things.

Holsten

suicide_circus wrote: »

probably due to my own ignorance....

It is.

Tokyo

Holsten - the Relationship Issues forum encourages all responses to the OP regarding whatever issue they need to discuss. It is this very spread of opinion that makes RI a useful sounding board for people who want an objective view on their situation.

While you are more than welcome to offer up your own opinion to the OP, and are indeed, encouraged to do so, petty potshots at the opinions of other posters contributing to this thread will not be tolerated. If you have any doubts, please take the time to read the forum charter regarding this issue.

Regards,
Mike

LegacyUser

Some more questions answered:

We only practice safe sex, he is very careful

Regarding life insurance, he has life insurance already. He was granted this by his dr providing a letter with his health counts and that he is in great health (ironic)

afterglow

Hi Confused 1982, and all

I wanted to chime in on this, as it is a very interesting discussion, fully understand that it is in fact a real situation for the OP also.

OP, I think, that given the wonderful, and insiteful information you have been given here by some, from the swiss document in particular, that the question you have to ask yourself is not whether you want to date a man with HIV, because let's face it, the risks to you seem neglagible if we are to beleive what the medical research says.
I think, therefore, that the qustion which you have to ask, is do you want to date someone, have a relationship with someone, who is different?
I am totaly blind myself, now, like it or not, some people are very ignerent of my blindness, how I get on/live from day to day, what I can and can't do, heck I'm sure some people wonder how I do basic tasks in the morning etc but no one would ever ask.
now I'm sure, that there are a lot of sighted people, probably most in fact, until they got to know me, who would not want to go out with me. This is the same for your prospective partner I'm sure. He didn't want, nor did he ask for, nor choose this health condition, and as you state yourself, he looks after himself very well, low viral load etc.
I'm sure that if he could go back, he of course would not pick this condition for himself, no more than any of us with a disability would choose that for ourselves, but yet, here we all are, in the situations we find ourselves in.
What this prospective partner of your's probably wants most of all, is just to be treated like any other human being, forget his health condition for a minute. I know that's easier said than done, but I can totally empathise with what it's like to be different so that's why I had to respond.
It would be fabulous for both of you if your relationship works out, and now that you are armed with all this great info, just ask yourself, the question I posed above. Ireland is small, and difference is sometimes still not received well here, whether that's a disability or a health condition as you've described, but it takes people proving to society, and also to themselves sometimes, that yes, they can do exactly what they want, no matter the perceived obsticles that are put in their way, by anyone, or anything.
I really hope it works out for you, and that you both are very happy together.
Best of luck!!!!

hfallada

confused 1982 wrote: »

Some more questions answered:

We only practice safe sex, he is very careful

Regarding life insurance, he has life insurance already. He was granted this by his dr providing a letter with his health counts and that he is in great health (ironic)

If his viral load is undetectable. The virus is so controlled it's as if it isn't there. The health issues associated with HIV are greatly reduced. A lot of HIV Americans list themselves as hiv+ undetectable as the risk of contracting the virus are greatly reduced.

Have you thought about call the Dublin aids/hiv alliance I think it's called to ask them any questions you have.

A 20 year old can contract hiv tomorrow and expect to live to at least 70 years old. But with the way medicine is improving he will probably a normal life span.