New husband does nothing for Valentine's

derstern

Hi all, I'd like your opinion on whether or not I'm over reacting.

My husband and I are only married less than a month, we got engaged on Valentine's day last year.

This year as we've loads of dinner vouchers to use we decided to use one to go out for dinner and I booked a table. On Valentine's morning my husband told me he'd something for me and that we'd exchange gifts after work.

I had a card and some presents of things I know he likes wrapped and ready for him when he came home. His "presents" to me were a gym voucher (for a gym that I'm already a member of) that he got free in a race, credit in a leftover shop voucher that he'd previously received as a present from someone else and a card which you put a picture in. However there was no picture and nothing written on the card! He said he hadn't time to write it.

I know Valentine's is a commerical day but I still thought he'd make some sort of effort. Last year he had flowers, card etc. ready for me when I woke up. I feel as if he thinks he doesn't have to make an effort now we're married.

I am very disappointed with his effort. I had hoped that given we're newly married, I'm pregnant and it's our engagement anniversary that he'd have at least had a card for me. Am I over reacting?

CaraMay

You we not overreacting but talk to him and tell him you value even a small gesture like a card and ask him to get a card for you each year. Communicate with him.

MagicMarker

derstern wrote: »

Am I over reacting?

Yes.

username123

I think you need to talk to each other about expectation versus reality in this type of situation.

My husband sat me down so we could go over the 'Valentines protocol' the first year we were together for Valentines and every year he still checks that the protocol hasn't changed. He isn't interested in Valentines but would not like to disappoint me so he checks that I'm not expecting some big gesture.

We tend to check each other's expectations on things like this anyway, no point in someone being disappointed because the other person just didn't realise.

If he isn't into even checking protocol then either reduce your expectation or spell out your expectation to him so there is no uncertainty.

December2012

Well it's hard to say if you're overreacting because you didn't say how you reacted.

Fact is you're married, you're pregnant and you should be able to talk this out with your husband about your feelings and expectations.

Be calm and chat to him about it.

Merkin

username123 wrote: »

I think you need to talk to each other about expectation versus reality in this type of situation

This is so true.

You say that it is just a commercial day OP but obviously one you buy into quite heavily. Chances are your husband doesn't. I'd just talk to him directly so expectations can be managed and tell him how disappointed you are and that in future you expect gifts/cards on said day (which is why I *hate* Valentines, it's so contrived). But each to their own. At least if he knows what you desire and expect then in future he will be able to meet your expectations.

upderebels

no, your not overreacting.im a man and if your only just married you should at least know what to expect from each other,im 20 + years married and i would be upset with the gym voucher,s and seconds that he did,nt use himself.u being pregnant ,talk and tell him ,dont let this go as it will fester witin in you,my other half is quiet happy with a cheap bunch of flowers and a card with a meaningful few words.we never go out on valentine's day but we always get out the week before or after for a meal and a show just to mark another year together ,talk talk talk to him and let him know? good luck

derstern

Thanks for your replies.

Friday evening I told him I was disappointed with what he'd given me. I said I didn't want or expect anything extravagant but as he'd given me something the last few years I did expect something this year. He got very defensive and said he thought about getting something but didn't get round to it.

username123

derstern wrote: »

Thanks for your replies.

Friday evening I told him I was disappointed with what he'd given me. I said I didn't want or expect anything extravagant but as he'd given me something the last few years I did expect something this year. He got very defensive and said he thought about getting something but didn't get round to it.

Next year talk to him the week before it and let him know what your expectations are.

December2012

In that case I would ask him why is he being defensive? Don't attack him, make sure that the time is right and discuss it civilly.

Now maybe he's embarrassed, or psssed off, or just exhausted?

From what you say, to not even sign a card seems out of character, so look at what else is going on in your lives. Is he stressed about the baby?

You need to both work on communicating.

Calmsurrender

It sounds to me like he had planned to do something and messed it up, it happens I'm afraid.
If he was going to do it he should've been better prepared in hindsight but sometimes things just don't go as planned. I don't understand giving you the card with nothing written on it though that's just bizarre he would've been better off not giving it at all !
Actually he would've been better off altogether not giving anything and telling you it would be the next day or whatever instead of giving you gifts YOU KNOW are hand me downs.

I'd leave it for now, you've told him how you feel and it's out there.

Calhoun

I think in ways you probably are overreacting but i dont put much value in such a commericalised made up holiday. The effort should be there in some way all the time not just on one day a year but thats beyond the point.

Normally on valentines day i will treat us both to something we enjoy rather than the usual rush to lidl for cheap card and flowers that i have seen so many do.

However like already mentioned on the thread communication is key, both my wife and i have talked about this and she knows my feeling on the day and what i like to do instead.

I wouldnt be to hard on him as you are having a busy year, engaged, marrier and now pregnant in a short space of time. If he forgets your birthday, Christmas or your wedding anniversary then you probably have problems but something like valentines day just requires some expectation setting.

maguic24

Personally, I hate the whole Valentines Day thing but if you're upset about it you should talk about it. I don't think you're over-reacting but you could be reading too much into it. Your husband could be a bit like me, not really into the whole Valentines Day thing. :P I would simply sit him down and have a chat about it.
I definitely don't think 'he's not trying' anymore because you are married, he may have just been a bit busy.

Let us know how you get on anyway. Remember if something upsets you, talk about it (when you're not as upset). Good luck OP.

username123

username123 wrote: »

Next year talk to him the week before it and let him know what your expectations are.

I get where she's coming from, but I can think of nothing worse than telling someone that I expect them to buy me gifts. The gift loses all value if it was bought because I asked for it.

Then again, the whole Valentines thing is completely wasted on me.

purplecow1977

Maybe a more important question for you to think about is:

How does he treat you the other 364 days of the year?

Personally, I would prefer little treats and surprises throughout the year rather than a forced gesture for Valentine's.

Whilst I understand your disappointment, it's not the end of the world.

If he proposed last Valentine's, then he must have SOME romantic bone in his body and maybe as someone suggested, he had something planned but it got messed up.

You'd surely expect the card to be written though!

Calmly explain to him that whilst you're not expecting any wild gesture but a small thought would be nice to mark the day.

username123

Candie wrote: »

I get where she's coming from, but I can think of nothing worse than telling someone that I expect them to buy me gifts. The gift loses all value if it was bought because I asked for it.

Then again, the whole Valentines thing is completely wasted on me.

It does sound bad like that! But its usually more "now - are we doing pressies this year?" from him followed by "why would we do pressies this year when we never have any other year?" from me. He sighs a huge sigh of relief and I have a quiet smile that despite us never doing presents he still made sure to check so I wouldnt be disappointed.

Jenneke87

I'm gonna go against the grain here but I can kind of understand the OP's reaction. If you got engaged on Valentine's day(so I guess the day means at least something to the both of them otherwise you wouldn't pick that date specifically) Even if you don't expect a present, getting a gym voucher of a gym you're already a member of and one that you got for free in the first place, sounds a bit cheap and like he spontaneously forgot what you like and don't like. The same effort could have been put in buying a nice card or something simular.

Tell him you appreciate the effort and indeed establish a "Valentine protocol" like another poster said. That should solve it.

anncoates

Valentines day is so impersonal. I hate it. You have a birthday, wedding anniversary and Christmas for specific gift days plus any surprise gifts /gestures during the year.

clairefontaine

First mistake was getting engaged on Valentines Day. Not that it has ever happened but I would automatically turn down a proposal if it were made on Valentines Day, because I would be afraid that it's the day that's in it messing with my synapses.

Secondly, then you have all these anniversaries loaded with significance because they land in and around Valentines Day. Expectations way over the limit, drunk with disappointment and a loss of perspective is bound to happen.

Ok, so this may not help you now, but what you will have to do is put this ONE day into a wider perspective of your marriage.

You can say something like "It would be nice if you had.... " and work it out.

People get resentful when they feel obligation, but still and all sometimes love means doing things you really don't feel like doing.

Tramps Like Us

Sure you had a wedding last month and maybe a honeymoon too was that not enough extravagant romance for a while?

And the two of you went out for dinner on valentines day too?

Although the "I have something for you too, I'll give it to you later" coupled with crap gifts suggests he forgot about it and went panicking looking for something

I'd cut him some slack and wouldnt think much of it

cletus van damme

i don't think you are over reacting
those presents were ****e. It would have been more acceptable to get nothing and say "sorry , don't believe in valentines"

m'lady

I don't think your over reacting OP. I don't care if a person doesn't 'believe' in valentines day (in my opinion that's an excuse to not make an effort to be honest), he should have made some sort of effort, and by that I mean he should have wrote the card he bought for you and not given a gym membership to his pregnant wife.

I'm glad you spoke to him and hopefully he will make an effort next year. Don't stress too much over it, maybe he is under pressure etc..

Nicman

Ditto what MagicMarker said. This is why my fella and I decided long ago we wouldnt "do" Valentine's. It's just another row-causer that we can do without. If you're going to be disappointed with what he' giving you on Valentine's going forward you need to tell him what's expected of him. From my experience they're far from mind readers and we expect a level of telepathy from them that is just not reasonable. Tell him how you feel, what you expect going forward and put this down to your lack of experience/ thinking - not his.