My girl broke up with me after 6 years..help me..

broken

Hi Everyone,

I hope i can get some advice as to what i do next. edit: sorry this is long

So i have been going out with my girlfriend for 6 years. Both in our thirties we started living together roughly 3 years in when we bought a house. Everything was great. Then i lost my job.

To be honest, since i lost my job 2 years ago everything turned sour. I lost my motivation, drive and ambition. I also lost interest in my girlfriend in an intimate way. As she was paying for everything, bills, mortage etc i became vulnerable and lost my self esteem. Being a guy i am meant to provide for her. We began to fight a lot too. She always supported me and never gave me any hassle but encouraged me to try new things and go for it. I am currently retraining. As i write this there is now a tear rolling down my cheek as i love this girl so much.

So a few days ago she came home and dropped the bombshell that she wanted to end her relationship with me. Yes, there had been a few conversations in the past about our ups and downs but i never had taken her seriously as i always believed we were soul mates. Anyway, she said she wanted to end the relationship reasons being stress and strain of our relationship, constant arguing, and the lack of intimacy. She loved me but was not in love with me. Her heart was not in it anymore.

She also has seen other fellas looking at her in work, gym etc something that she has never noticed before. She sees this as a another telling sign that our relationship is over. She has been thinking about this decision for awhile so she was quite calm telling me and was adamant in her decision that a switch has been turned off in her feelings for me. We both cried in each others arms.

She is not seeing anybody else for sure. So she is at the stage where she has accepted that our relationship is over and i'm still in shock (so she's ahead of me in the morning process). Whilst i am around in the house still she still can see me etc i did plead with her to take me back but to no avail.

I am now in complete shock. I walked around town like a lost puppy today you may have seen me! Before i left today i wrote her a letter explaining where i went wrong and admitting my mistakes and asking for one more shot. She said that this was a beautiful letter and that if i had written this 6 months ago our relationship could have been saved.

She says our relationship is dead in the water but wants to remain friends with me. And as i am not earning a wage i am unable to move out. So i have moved into the spare room. I cried like a baby last night as i know how i have been moody, arrogant and have literally thrown away the best thing that has ever happened to me. I blame the unemployment and she does agree that it has played a big part but does also mention that people that have no jobs still have sex i.e the lack of intimacy.

I have told her i will fight to win her heart back, that i will change back to the way i was before i lost my job and i will show her my old self once again and she has said that this is my choice but her feelings are zero for me apart from the fact she still cares for me and wants to see me right, move out get a job etc. She does say if there is a slither of hope of her feelings changing she will let me know. I will probably have to move out and then date her like it was from the start. But then this will only happen if she has feelings for me which she does not have right now.

I am just wondering how i can get my girl back? Do i move back to my parents for awhile and cut contact and try and make her miss me? and then come back and fight back for her? or am i wasting my time? How long do i wait?

I really love this girl and would love to have her back in my life. My heart is broken.

Thanks in advance.

a broken man.

Standman

It's completely normal to feel terrible at the moment, you should know that you are not alone in this. Millions of people around the world go through exactly what you are going through right now all the time and they get through it and go on to have happy lives with other partners. I know it doesn't seem like it now and it won't make you feel much better, but it is the truth. A break up can be the most shocking and emotionally draining experience a person goes through, and there is no quick cure. All you can do is endure and you will get through it with time.

With regards to your ex, the relationship is over and she has very clearly made her decision. You can't "make her miss you" as she doesn't want you in her life in that way any more. I know it's very hard to accept at the moment but she is no longer in love with you and she will not change her mind. The more you beg and plead and attempt to "make" her have feelings for you, the more you confirm for her that she has made the right decision in breaking things off. There is no magical set of behaviors or strategy that can make a person have feelings for someone else, human beings simply do not work that way no matter how desperately you may wish they do at this moment in time.

A couple of guys I know have gone through very similar situations over the years after being broken up with, i.e. him jumping through hoops and playing elaborate games in an effort to "get her back", finding out where she is going out that night in order to "coincidentally" go to the same place, stand near her while ignoring her in the hope that she will see him and initiate conversation etc. These kind of games don't work, anyone who knows you can see through it (especially her), and it is not attractive in the slightest. The saddest thing of all is that all this does is prolong the pain and heartache, and can make things a lot worse than they have to be. Instead of going through the heartbreak and coming out the other end, this behaviour postpones healing in the hope you can somehow jump through the right hoop, say the right thing, act the right way to make her love you again. Do yourself a favour and avoid this at all costs!

It is likely that you have slipped into depression since losing your job, and it is possible that because of this and your low self-esteem that you have become dependent on her not only financially, but emotionally too. You should definitely move out of there and stay with your parents so you can have time away from her to grieve for the relationship. It will be hard but you can and will get through it. From there you should focus on getting your self esteem back up and start to believe in yourself more, maybe talking to a counselor would help. One thing I would advise is have something to do other than sit at home and obsess over your ex. Personally I find exercising is a great way to get my mind of things and get a bit of perspective.

Best of luck and keep the chin up! You will be OK!

Tokyo

Hi OP

I know that you are here hoping for advice on how to win your girlfriend back, so I know that you will not want to hear this... but in my experience when someone says that they love you but they're no longer in love with you, it's the death knell for the relationship.

The hard truth is that while you say that your partner "dropped the bombshell" a few days ago, and you are in shock, from her perspective the reality is that you haven't treated her well for a long time now - you neglected her needs, lost interest in her sexually, you fought with her, you never took her concerns seriously when she tried to speak to you about them, and all the time, by your admission, she spent the last two years trying to prop up a boyfriend and encourage him to try new things and get back in the job market. It sounds to me that this is far form being a spur of the moment decision for her - she has put a huge amount of thought into this, and has exhausted all of the possibilities in her head before coming to you to tell you that it's over. There is no room for interpretation here, in her own words, she "is adamant in her decision". Right now, you are just realising that you treated your partner badly and once she decided it was over, you realised what you had, and unfortunately it is too late. She has moved on with her life.

Right now she is trying to do 'the right thing' by you - in her own words she "wants to see me right, move out get a job" and move on. No doubt she still cares for you, but when she said that she "loves you but is not 'in' love with you", her her statement is basically saying she no longer sees you as someone she is sexually attracted to but still loves you in a way that she doesn't want to see anything bad happen to you.

I know it's the last thing you want to hear, but you need to move on and live without her. Waiting for her to come back does you absolutely nothing except delay your moving forward. She has already taken this step, and is likely to keep moving on. She has given you pretty clear instructions, in the kindest way she can - she wants you to move out when you can, she wants you to get a job, and she wants you to stand on your own two feet again. Sadly, she doesn't want to be the partner by your side while you do these things, and hard as it may be, you need to learn to accept that.

In my experience of breakups, the hardest part is the 'acceptance' stage of the relationship ending. And hanging around the girl in the hope that she changes her mind is only going to confuse that, and prolong the healing process. She has made her choice, she wants to be single again for her own reasons, and you need to accept that. You mention the possibility of moving back in with your parents again, I would suggest you do it. It will be a clean break, it will give you a chance to regroup, and you will be surrounded by people that care about you and your wellbeing. Also, spend time with your friends - let them know what is happening without going overboard - if they care about you, they’ll help you cope. And try to get on with your life - it's the only thing you can really do. It doesn't seem like it now, but each day will slowly but surely get easier with time.

Tomsh307

broken wrote: »

Hi Everyone,

I hope i can get some advice as to what i do next. edit: sorry this is long

So i have been going out with my girlfriend for 6 years. Both in our thirties we started living together roughly 3 years in when we bought a house. Everything was great. Then i lost my job.

To be honest, since i lost my job 2 years ago everything turned sour. I lost my motivation, drive and ambition. I also lost interest in my girlfriend in an intimate way. As she was paying for everything, bills, mortage etc i became vulnerable and lost my self esteem. Being a guy i am meant to provide for her. We began to fight a lot too. She always supported me and never gave me any hassle but encouraged me to try new things and go for it. I am currently retraining. As i write this there is now a tear rolling down my cheek as i love this girl so much.

So a few days ago she came home and dropped the bombshell that she wanted to end her relationship with me. Yes, there had been a few conversations in the past about our ups and downs but i never had taken her seriously as i always believed we were soul mates. Anyway, she said she wanted to end the relationship reasons being stress and strain of our relationship, constant arguing, and the lack of intimacy. She loved me but was not in love with me. Her heart was not in it anymore.

She also has seen other fellas looking at her in work, gym etc something that she has never noticed before. She sees this as a another telling sign that our relationship is over. She has been thinking about this decision for awhile so she was quite calm telling me and was adamant in her decision that a switch has been turned off in her feelings for me. We both cried in each others arms.

She is not seeing anybody else for sure. So she is at the stage where she has accepted that our relationship is over and i'm still in shock (so she's ahead of me in the morning process). Whilst i am around in the house still she still can see me etc i did plead with her to take me back but to no avail.

I am now in complete shock. I walked around town like a lost puppy today you may have seen me! Before i left today i wrote her a letter explaining where i went wrong and admitting my mistakes and asking for one more shot. She said that this was a beautiful letter and that if i had written this 6 months ago our relationship could have been saved.

She says our relationship is dead in the water but wants to remain friends with me. And as i am not earning a wage i am unable to move out. So i have moved into the spare room. I cried like a baby last night as i know how i have been moody, arrogant and have literally thrown away the best thing that has ever happened to me. I blame the unemployment and she does agree that it has played a big part but does also mention that people that have no jobs still have sex i.e the lack of intimacy.

I have told her i will fight to win her heart back, that i will change back to the way i was before i lost my job and i will show her my old self once again and she has said that this is my choice but her feelings are zero for me apart from the fact she still cares for me and wants to see me right, move out get a job etc. She does say if there is a slither of hope of her feelings changing she will let me know. I will probably have to move out and then date her like it was from the start. But then this will only happen if she has feelings for me which she does not have right now.

I am just wondering how i can get my girl back? Do i move back to my parents for awhile and cut contact and try and make her miss me? and then come back and fight back for her? or am i wasting my time? How long do i wait?

I really love this girl and would love to have her back in my life. My heart is broken.

Thanks in advance.

a broken man.

This "fighting to get her back" will only make her less attracted to you.

Pull yourself together and accept her decision, meet new women and get a job.

Dixie Chick

Its a very hard time for you. But unfortunately I think your girlfriend has come to this decision over a long course of time where you have mistreated her. No matter what the reason is, she didn't just decide one day she was done. So while this is hard for you now, she has been through the mill as well, enough to walk away from the relationship. I think you need to respect this, keep retraining and move on. God love ya though, its not an easy road.

Merkin

She has mourned for the relationship while still in it. She has probably agonized over the split and what's right for her and now that she has made the decision there is no turning back I'm afraid. She is at peace with it while it's a total shock and a "bombshell" to you.

There is no point in trying to win her back. If I was you I would try and move out as soon as possible so that you can both get on with your lives and you can begin to pick up the pieces. While staying in the spare room is fine as an interim measure, I'd aim to be out of there in the next few weeks.

I'm sure it must be very hard but you now need to concentrate on your own future and the practicalities involved rather than harboring hopes of winning her back.

December2012

Would she go to relationship counselling with you?

She makes very valid points - lack of employment does not mean no sex, no taking her seriously, letting your love die, stopping showing her what she means.


The thing is if you want to make those changes you can't do them if you're not in a relationship.

You should have made these changes when she brought them up months ago.

I don't know if you can win her back, only she can answer that.

I think the thing to do is for you to talk to a third party about this, to process it.

Give each other space, but tell her you are giving each other space - don't just hide away.

Maybe counselling would convince her that you are serious about changing.

Maybe.

No matter what OP it's time for you to change your life. You can do it.

Starokan

Horrible position OP and I really feel for you and your partner, while she has decided to make the break I can guarantee you it is not easy for her either.

As hard as it may seen she is doing you a favour by being honest. Right now the first thing you need to do is accept the relationship is over, you are in for some difficult times but you will get through it .

You need to look after yourself, its a devastating blow, don't be afraid to talk to friends family etc , people will understand and will be there for you. Some of us have a tendency to place people on pedestals when they break up with us, we place all the blame on ourselves, once time has passed I think you will see that there you both were simply growing apart, I can guarantee you the blame is not all on you, so in other words stop eating yourself up with guilt, it will do you no good.

Lastly you need to look at the accommodation situation, if your name is on the mortgage it means you have both rights and responsibilities, don't just move out without figuring out what that means for you.

Good luck in the coming days/weeks

Perhaps your girlfriend would consider moving out and letting you take in housemates to help pay the mortgage? Otherwise, move out as soon as humanly possible and respect the decision the girl has come to. She's made her choice over time and for compelling reasons and didn't do it lightly.

Best of luck.

broken

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for all your replies it has been a very tough road. I have, after alot of turmoil accepted her decision. Obviously, i would love if she changed her mind and probably will still live in hope over the next few months.

I have realised now she has this plan in her mind to just get me sorted finish training, job, move out etc and this is what she seems to be focused on. Given that she has probably agonised over this decision for a period of time before ending our relationship she is now just focused on seeing me right now. Maybe after i have gone she might realise she has made a mistake? As when I am gone she will have nothing more to focus on except and obviously getting on with her own life.

Her friends etc are now wondering what she is after doing and trying to get her to change her mind. Like me, everyone is shocked. I think they all feel she is throwing her life away. Not trying to blow my own trumpet or anything but i am well liked by everyone.

Friends of mine have asked if she is having an affair, seeing someone etc but she is not the type of girl. She could have her eye on someone but thats as far as it goes.

I do still hope that maybe she might have a change of heart in time and realise that all the problems we have can be fixed but deep down i feel that this relationship is over.

I am now going to continue on with my own life, remain in house and start doing my own things, new hobbies, meeting friends etc to get the drive back that i once had.

If she sees these changes she might have a change of heart over the course of the next few months who knows? I am not sure what people think of this?

Thanks

broken

broken wrote: »

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for all your replies it has been a very tough road. I have, after alot of turmoil accepted her decision. Obviously, i would love if she changed her mind and probably will still live in hope over the next few months.

I have realised now she has this plan in her mind to just get me sorted finish training, job, move out etc and this is what she seems to be focused on. Given that she has probably agonised over this decision for a period of time before ending our relationship she is now just focused on seeing me right now. Maybe after i have gone she might realise she has made a mistake? As when I am gone she will have nothing more to focus on except and obviously getting on with her own life.

Her friends etc are now wondering what she is after doing and trying to get her to change her mind. Like me, everyone is shocked. I think they all feel she is throwing her life away. Not trying to blow my own trumpet or anything but i am well liked by everyone.

Friends of mine have asked if she is having an affair, seeing someone etc but she is not the type of girl. She could have her eye on someone but thats as far as it goes.

I do still hope that maybe she might have a change of heart in time and realise that all the problems we have can be fixed but deep down i feel that this relationship is over.

I am now going to continue on with my own life, remain in house and start doing my own things, new hobbies, meeting friends etc to get the drive back that i once had.

If she sees these changes she might have a change of heart over the course of the next few months who knows? I am not sure what people think of this?

Thanks

You say you're a nice guy and I'm sure you are. But try not to forget that the people who are telling her she's throwing things away haven't had to live with what you detailed in your first post

I lost my motivation, drive and ambition. I also lost interest in my girlfriend in an intimate way. As she was paying for everything, bills, mortage etc i became vulnerable and lost my self esteem. Being a guy i am meant to provide for her. We began to fight a lot too. She always supported me and never gave me any hassle but encouraged me to try new things and go for it.

She put up with a lot for two entire years of her life, and now she's keen to move on but is helping you sort yourself out first.

Thats not someone who's throwing anything away, it was a considered and reasonable decision, not a spur of the moment thing after a row.

She's done and needs to go, you need to let her - and to learn from this and move on. Too little too late, and don't try to guilt her. She actually sounds like a really nice person, she put a lot of effort in and still is.

Respect that she knows her own mind and want's to go, and don't hang around waiting for her to decide it was a mistake - lets face it, it probably isn't.

Good luck with sorting out your life.

Merkin

What do you mean you're going to remain in the house OP? Are you going to continue sharing a house?!

Tokyo

broken wrote: »

Her friends etc are now wondering what she is after doing and trying to get her to change her mind. Like me, everyone is shocked. I think they all feel she is throwing her life away. Not trying to blow my own trumpet or anything but i am well liked by everyone.

Friends of mine have asked if she is having an affair, seeing someone etc but she is not the type of girl. She could have her eye on someone but thats as far as it goes.

With all due respect OP, this is not very fair to your ex partner. By your own admission you have treated her badly over a long period of time, and there is no reason to let any rumors develop as to why she wanted out of the relationship. If you are honest, you'll admit to your friends the reason behind your breakup. You don't have to give them every detail, but you do need to let them know that this was on you, in the interests of fairness. And, if they continue to try to force you two back together, they are only going to antagonise her even more, and damage whatever friendship that is currently remaining.

deep down i feel that this relationship is over.....

....I am now going to continue on with my own life, remain in house and start doing my own things, new hobbies, meeting friends etc to get the drive back that i once had.

If she sees these changes she might have a change of heart over the course of the next few months who knows? I am not sure what people think of this?

This isn't moving on. What you are doing is looking for a liferaft in the sea of your breakup, and taking advantage of the fact that she is giving you the opportunity to pick yourself up and put your live back on the right track by staying in the house and forcing yourself to be in her constant presence. If you really want to get your life back together, you need to do it independently of her, and more importantly, do it for yourself.

Xaniaj

I'm sorry to hear that OP but you need to realise that this is completely over and probably has been for some time, at least for you ex.
Whilst this is a shock for you, no doubt your ex has been thinking about this for some time (it's never an easy thing to do, especially for such a long term relationship).

You really need to sort our the living arrangements ASAP, staying in the same house will only make the situation worse. Can you (or her) move home for a while? Obviously not ideal but better than the alternative.

It's sad that the OP thinks that if he works on himself and gets his drive back that his ex will reconsider.

Instead of reconsidering she'll just wonder why you put her through two years of bad times - why it took a break up - to make you put the effort in. She hung in there, and you didn't love her enough to put in the effort until it was too late.

Move out asap since she's paid all the bills. All you can do is learn the lesson that you can't take people for granted and expect them to be there indefinitely when you contribute nothing but rows. She's being incredibly good to you, even now. Be good to her and leave her be.

Eeden

Surely we all know what it's like to be in denial at the end of a relationship (usually, but not always, when we were quite young). When in shock, you always think that if only you do the right thing, you can put back the clock, get things back to how they used to be.

After a while, you learn that this is never going to happen. But if it's your first relationship, or a long one, it's very hard to let go and you fool yourself into thinking you can get it back.

Don't think like this, OP. If one person in the relationship says it's over, then it is over.

Merkin

I understand that you are hurting over the breakup OP but I think you are behaving really appallingly. I actually thought I had misunderstood your post about remaining on in the house but obviously not. You can't do that. This is simply not on. You're continuing to rely on her heavily, having discussions with your friends that she may have someone else and convincing yourself that she will have a change of heart.

The best thing for you and your recovery and for her and her own peace of mind as well as in the interest of FAIRNESS most importantly, you need to move out and you need to do so immediately. Planning to stay on ad infinitum is very unfair and quite selfish. Move out and respect her decision and you will be able to get over this quickly.

homemadecider

Oh dear, OP. Have some dignity. You treated her badly for 2 years, didn't earn any money, let her pay for everything and didn't engage physically... and now you are surprised she broke up with you?

You really need to pack your stuff and get out of her house. Yes, her house. She has paid for everything and you should not continue to sponge off her. Have some dignity and leave on your own terms before she throws you out. She has the patient of a saint btw, I'd have chucked you out long ago.

miamee

OP, I'm very sorry for you that your relationship has broken up. However, I would echo what others have said...this girl has been supporting and looking after you for the past two years, by your own admission with no thanks from you and in fact, arguments, zero affection, no intimacy. She has finally reached the end of her tether and now you think you can win her back by being a better person while living in the same house and letting her continue to pay all your bills indefinitely?!
Please move out as soon as you can and give her the breathing space she needs. You have no chance of even remaining friends with this girl if you continue living there with her supporting you financially and short of some sort of miracle, it is likely to turn sour when she decides you have stayed long enough and meanwhile you are still looking for one more chance.

dixiefly

I am sure that this has been a big wake up call for the OP who has behaved v badly since losing his job.

However, he has come on here looking for advice.

I would agree with others that you should move out asap. Not just because it is better for your ex but the best chance that you have of getting back with her is to show some respect for her by giving her space and also that you are not reliant on her. If you are going to ever get her back, get some space between you now.

It sounds like you got into a rut big time upon losing your job. It can happen and losing a job can have different effects on different people.

Have a listen to David Corkery, ex rugby international, who was on the John Murray show on radio1 this morning.he spoke about depression following job loss and how he got out of it.

Basically the only person that can get you out of this is you and it is only after you change that you can hope to win her back.

But first step.......move out if at all possible. Parents, siblings, friends etc.