Right to known birth father identity

iPink

My partner has given up. ..he was adopted at 1 week old to a family that already had 1 older adopted son & went on to have a natural born daughter after a coupe of years. ..

His adopted father was extremely violent & physically abusive, he eventually ran away from home & became homeless after finishing school as he was convinced his father was going to kill him.

He didn't have an contact with any of his family for more than 10 years & in the meantime he had a daughter of his own, went a bit wild but also traced his birth mother through the proper channels.

She seemed delighted to see him at first & invited him back to her house where most of his 'relatives' were waiting & others just happened to drop in... it was like a party for him, very bizzare and with people calling him the name she had given him rather than the name he was given by his adoptive parents! Very strange!

He also found out that he has 2 half sisters not much younger than him. He asked about his Father but was told she (birth mother) wasn't ready to talk about it now but would tell him who he was eventually. ..!!

Unfortunately he only saw her one other time at which she told him that basically she couldn't handle the pain or him & didn't want to see him again! !!

Though he didn't admit it at the time, he was devestated and now all he wants is to know who his father was/is... (This all happened more than 15 years ago)

He respected his mother's wishes and didn't try to force contact though he did write a letter a while later & recieved a phone call from someone who wouldn't identify themselves saying that his father was dead, he didn't have any relatives & he had to stop looking!!!

He went totally off the rails after all that for a long while.... but eventually he made contact again with his adopted family only to lose both his brother & sister within a short period of time to cancer

He has totally cleaned himself up now & is a lot more settled but I know this all bothers him a lot, though he won't admit it he DESPERATELY wants to know who his father is but just can't face any more rejection or hurt... he watches all the tv programmes & films about adoption & we chat about it regularly. ..

The last time we spoke about it (after watching Philomena!) he said he just couldn't face it but wished someone would do it for him. .. I said I would do what I could but have NO idea where to start. .. I would like to write his BM a letter to start off but he is scared it might look like harassment?

Does anyone have ANY advice for me. .. It kills me all that he has been through, I would really like to help him with this burden

iPink

iPink wrote: »

My partner has given up. ..he was adopted at 1 week old to a family that already had 1 older adopted son & went on to have a natural born daughter after a coupe of years. ..
his adopted father was extremely violent & abuse, he eventually ran away from home after finishing school as he was convinced his father was going to kill him.
He didn't have an contact with any of his family for more than 10 years & in the meantime he had a daughter of his own & traced his birth mother.
She seemed delighted to see him & invited him back to her house where most of his 'relatives' were waiting & others just happened to drop in... everyone calling him the name she had given him rather than the name he was given by his adoptive parents!
He also found out that he has 2 half sisters not much younger than him. He asked about his Father but was told she (birth mother) wasn't ready to talk about it now but would tell him who he was eventually. ..!!
He only saw her one other time at which she told him that basically she couldn't handle the pain or him & didn't want to see him again! !!
Though he didn't admit it at the time, he was devestated and now all he wants is to know who his father was/is... (This all happened more than 15 years ago)
He respected his mother's wishes and didn't try to force contact though he did write a letter a while later & recieved a phone call from someone who wouldn't identify themselves saying that his father was dead, he didn't have any relatives & he had to stop looking!!!
He went totally off the rails after all that. .. eventually he made contact again with his adopted family only to lose both his brother & sister within a short period of time to cancer
I know this all bothers him a lot, though he won't admit it he DESPERATELY wants to know who his father is but just can't face any more rejection or hurt... he watches all the tv programmes & films about adoption & we chat about it regularly. ..
The last time we spoke he said he just couldn't face it but wished someone would do it for him. .. I said I would do what I could but have NO idea where to start. .. I would like to write his BM a letter to start off but he is scared it might look like harassment?
Does anyone have ANY advice for me. .. It kills me all that he has been through, I would really like to help him with this burden

Sorry for the typos, I'm writing this on my fone...

I forgot to mention that the only person from his birth family he has ANY contact with now (not regular, last time was around 2 years ago, she rang him when she was drunk!) Is one of his half sisters but the other is like the mother & doesn't really want to handle it. ..

Around 6 months ago we tried contacting them both on Facebook with messages, jusy basically saying who I am but nothing about my partner looking for info etc. Just that he would like to stay in contact through my facebook...(as he isn't on facebook!!)
They both ignored my messages & friends requests...

He remembers that his half sister knew the 1st name of his birth father & insisted she didn't know anything else, but he forgot the name she told him. .. This was years ago! Would that have made any difference??

My head is wrecked with all this so I can't imagine what it must be like for him. .. I just can't understand how they could treat him the way that have.... Can they not understand the damage that all this rejection does to a person? It goes beyond cruel in my opinion (

Elizvonne

Hi iPink
I'm sorry to hear your partners adoption and reunion did not work out for him. Hopefully with all the publicity around adoption at the moment his birth mother may find the strength to go there again. It might be an idea to send a note just saying that he is thinking about them all. I don't know where you are based but Barnardos post adoption services are very good. They run a course for adoptees and offer great support which might find it beneficial. There is one starting in March. Wishing you both all the best.

iPink

Elizvonne wrote: »

Hi iPink
I'm sorry to hear your partners adoption and reunion did not work out for him. Hopefully with all the publicity around adoption at the moment his birth mother may find the strength to go there again. It might be an idea to send a note just saying that he is thinking about them all. I don't know where you are based but Barnardos post adoption services are very good. They run a course for adoptees and offer great support which might find it beneficial. There is one starting in March. Wishing you both all the best.

Thank you Elizvonne!! I will check that out. .. Do you know if he has any rights at all with regards to being told who his blood father is/was... Can he demand to be told. .??

The_Conductor

iPink wrote: »

Thank you Elizvonne!! I will check that out. .. Do you know if he has any rights at all with regards to being told who his blood father is/was... Can he demand to be told. .??

Unfortunately iPink- he is pretty much at the discretion of his birthmum as to whether or not she tells him who his father is. More often than not there is no information listed in adoption records (even where the birthmum clearly told the nuns who the father was)- you could ask the adoption agency concerned for assistance- but realistically what would happen is the agency would (eventually) contact the birthmum and ask her for the information.

Its far from ideal- and to be honest quite shocking that us adopted people have no rights whatsoever to information- but that is the state of play. We've been promised help time and time again- by Minister after Minister- by people like Geoffrey Shannon- and by the organisations themselves- to no avail. I'd suggest petitioning your TD- but unfortunately I've lost all faith in that avenue achieving anything at all. Essentially- the anonymity of birthmums trumps all else- and adoptive people have no rights, period. Frances Fitzgerald did promise to look at this- and it might be worth sending her an e-mail- but please don't get your hopes up.