Advice on how to get out of a rut

LegacyUser

I am 35 single and I am not a very happy person at the moment. There are alot of areas in my life I need to change

1. How I currently look

I am currently 18 stone

Last year I went from 22 stone to 17 stone, I went on a 3 week holiday , ate and drank all around me and then came back home, its was Christmas so I did the same. I put back on a stone of weight over a 5 week period which is disgraceful, I am starting to get back on track with this though

2. my lack of a social life

This one really gets me down, at 35 most of my friends have settled down and have started families and I have yet to have a serious relationship, its embarrassing to be honest.
My life revolves around going to work , going to the gym ,going home rinse and repeat, I don't have anything to look forward to at the weekends. I live in a very small town so there aren't many clubs and things to join and become involved in

3. No girlfriend

This one ties in with my lack of a social life, to be honest with I don't necessarily have to have a girlfriend but it would be nice to go out socialise, hook up , have a good time etc . As I said part of it is my lack of a social life but I have always been shy and self conscious because of my weight, plus I,m not the best at chatting to women, I lack game and my conversational skills aren't the best

4. My drinking

This is probably the worst habit of all, I feel like my drinking is out of control. Its not unheard of me to have 2 bottles of wine 4 nights a week, it would be bad enough if I hectic social life and that was the cause of my drinking but I'm doing this in my apartment on my own, why do I do this? perhaps I am an alcoholic but I know its a bad habit that I've gotten into that needs to stop, one of the reason I do it is because I'm just bored


For me to be happy in life I need to start making some changes

1. Get in shape(ive all the info I needs here)
2. Try to build up a social life(no idea how om going to do this, its hard to make new friends at 35)
3.Kick the drinking or at least the drinking at home alone
4.start approaching women and be more confident around them

I'm my mind for this to happen at the very least, i will need to be in shape . I don't care what anyone says to me I just don't and wont have confidence in myself to approach women the way I currently look, I will also need to my no 2 on the list to happen first also

I would appreciate any advice you can give me

AnonMouse

I don't have much advice, as you seem to know what you need to do to change your lifestyle.

When I was in a similar situation to yourself, I started doing online dating. There are literally all shapes and sizes on the dating sites and there is always someone that will find you attractive. I'm not joking, the online dating really helped my confidence because I realised that I wasn't ugly, or at least not to some people. When girls wrote to me and I went on a few dates, I really gained confidence that I never thought I would have. This prompted me to go and lose weight and I became even more confident again. This got me out of the rut I was in at the time, which sounds similar enough to your own one.

I wish you well

IrishEyes19

Hi, OP, first of well done on writing this post, cant have been easy, second, well done for losing the weight. Its a start. I looked at your numbered goals there at the end of your post and I felt they need re-ordering, I understand that you want to lose weight and look better, but I would be putting the issue of alcohol at number one. Two bottles of wine a night is crazy, never mind one. You are doing yourself no favour physically or emotionally by drinking that much and it needs to be your number one priority right now, the rest will fall into order.

As for losing the weight, you were clearly on the right track before, so you just need that motivation to kick start and get going again. You can do this. If you could at over twenty stone get up and lose that weight, you can surely do it now at 18 stone. You are clearly a very strong person and all you need is to focus that energy into being the fittest you can be, both emotionally and physically.

Merkin

If you're to make just one change in the short to medium term I'd advise you to knock the wine on the head. I think in doing so you would precipitate a whole positive series of changes which would improve your life no end. Most notably to your weight and to your state of mind. Going to the gym is totally counterproductive if you're consuming 1,500 calories alone in alcohol most nights of the week. If you cut that out there is a good chance that all your issues will resolve themselves over time.

derstern

Firstly well done on writing the post, can't have been easy to do and it shows you're aware of the situation and want to change.

You remind me of myself a few years ago. I drank alone in the evenings out of comfort and for company. This piled on the weight. I felt sorry for myself, was single and felt I was trapping myself.

The other poster is correct, you first need to change your drinking habits. For me, going cold turkey worked best. It's hard at the beginning but a whole new world opens up for you. I have the odd drink now, but I've learned how to socialise (much better) without it.

Cutting out the drink will IMMEDIATELY help your weight loss. Join a slimming club.. you'll hate the first night you go, I know I did, but everyone is in the same boat as you. Or go somewhere you can get private consultations. Set yourself small achievable goals and don't ever give up.

You already go to the gym, so maybe try and focus it more. Give yourself a goal to work towards. I took up running, or should I say jogging. I trained first for a 5K, then 10K etc until I did a full marathon which then led me into triathlons.

A healthier body will lead to a healthier mind and outlook on life. You'll feel better and look better and will want to expand your social circle. Then try other avenues to meet someone such as online dating. It can be frustrating, it took me a long time and many dates but I met my now husband that way. I'm now pregnant with our first child.

I would never swap the life I used to lead for what I have now and it all started with cutting out alcohol.

You and only you can change your current circumstances. Best of luck, you've a bright future ahead.

KrustyUCC

fair play on weight loss. 4 stone loss in a year is impressive

as others have said no 1 priority should be to sort out drink issue.

keep up exercise. i'm sure your gym can help draw up plan for you to get stronger and help with added weight loss. plus endorphins will help you get good feelings

don't know where you are from OP but i've found meetup.com very good for broadining social circle. lots of different groups that cater from cinema to coffee to running to nights out

everytime i go to event there are new people and as others want to meet new people too everyone is pretty friendly

LegacyUser

Meetup.com is great if you live in Dublin, good if you live in cork and okay in every other place but where I live its crap.

I'm in a good job in full-time employment but I've been toying with the idea of moving to Cork or Dublin, I know it would be a risk in today's climate but I'm single and only have myself to worry about.

Merkin

OP Here 18feb14 wrote: »

Meetup.com is great if you live in Dublin, good if you live in cork and okay in every other place but where I live its crap.

I'm in a good job in full-time employment but I've been toying with the idea of moving to Cork or Dublin, I know it would be a risk in today's climate but I'm single and only have myself to worry about.

What about the drink OP? Do you think you can quit it or has it become a problem?