Advice needed asap.

kate1991

Hi guys,

So I need some advice on a tricky little possible love-interest situation I have going on at the moment. My head is a bit fried. I guess an out siders opinion is really what I need.

Okay, on a night out with a mate in October - we decided to go to see a dj duo who were over from the UK playing at a Dublin club night. Had a really good time, after the set we got talking to the lads - getting on really well and ended up going to an after session with them till the early hours the next morning. I got talking to one of them in particular for ages, we left the others for a cigarette and sat alone for about two hours discussing pretty much everything including the fact that both of us had broken up with our ex's the week before hand, laughing about being alone and giving each other advice! Nothing happened between the two of us as we were ****ed and fairly heartbroken - but there definitely was some chemistry. The next morning we added each other on FB and all the other social networking sites.

Didn't hear anything off him again until December when they were due to come back over and play another gig. The guy in question mailed me about two or three days before asking if I could make it. Unfortunately I couldn't due to work commitments 😞 but we continued to stay in contact from then till now! Literally fb mailing most days for the past two and abit months! We've built up a really nice relationship I guess, chatting constantly about **** all really. Obviously when we first met there was an attraction and now I still think there is. Like we briefly touched on the subject once or twice but he's quite shy and never really says anything about it straight out, which is a bit annoying cause I guess I'm subconsciously trying to suss the situation.

A few weeks ago I told him I had gone on a date with a guy here, haven't a notion as to why I did - possibly just putting out the feelers to see what reaction I would get. He was fairly blasé about the whole thing but took the piss out of the guy for where he brought me etcc..

They have a gig up North this weekend and I told him I would head up to see him. He seemed proper buzzed about the whole thing, got the promoter to change the flights to earlier in the day (stating he didn't want to be hanging around the airport all day waiting to fly over) but my mates figure he got them to change it so we would be able to hang out for longer before the gig. Again I couldn't make it, all my mates bailed on the idea as it was valentines weekend and they were all broke. So I mailed him apologising, the usual devastated I can't make it, was really looking forward to seeing you etc etc etc. I don't actually know what response I was looking for but when he mailed me back saying 'Ah man that's abit of a ****er, it would have been fun' I was fairly disappointed 😕 I guess I hoped for more of a reaction? I just didn't reply after that, I thought **** that.

He mailed me again the next day. Casual chats as always. I asked him what he'd been up too and he responded saying he'd gone on a date the day before - with a girl he'd met at a club from home a few weeks ago. I was fairly devastated tbh - I know I've no right to be cause we're not anything and I did tell him I had gone on one afew weeks previous. So I replied saying give me the deets. He did. And proceeded to tell me it went well, and he had ended up going back to her place after. I just said 'sweet'. He then said he didn't think he'd see her again.
I told him after all of that I was abit like WOW didn't expect to get that sort of feeling that I did when he told me - obviously hinting at being abit gutted. He didn't acknowledge that part of the message and continued on replying to everything else.

I'm so confused as too what's going on / where I stand / where I could stand / if he likes me / if he was trying to make me jealous or get a rise out of me? H E L P.

Also.. I'm going over to the U.K in two weeks with a group of friends - 45 minutes from where he lives. He has previously asked what dates we are over to make sure he's not touring - he isn't! So I imagine we will 100% link up while I'm over there! When we do meet up though - I'm really unsure how to play it. Like. Obviously were meeting up to catch up and hangout but I don't want to be going into it thinking their could be more if there's not yeno! All my mates are biased obviously and are telling me he likes me / to go for it, but I dunno I guess I'm just a bit paranoid and don't know what to think!

Advice and opinions would be GREATLY appreciated!

k

Merkin

I think it's an awful pity you bailed on him for the gig in the North because after not going to see him the second time he came over AND telling him you're going on dates etc you just come across as a bit of a head wreck to be honest. Arrange to see him in the UK when you're over but only do so if you're actually going to turn up and try and hook up with him just the two of you at some stage rather than bringing all your mates with you. He seems interested in seeing you but stop with the mind games and thoughts of 'how to play this'. You've made a few stabs already at sabotaging it for yourself so why not just show up and be yourself?

Meauldsegosha

Why couldn't you go up North to see him? Just because your friends couldn't go didn't stop you. I also don't understand what was wrong with his reaction to you not going.

Boombastic

Did I get this right?


You were supposed to meet him and didn't and he found himself another 'date' for the night? Doesn't sound as if he's that in to you tbh.

Why couldn't you meet him without your friends if it was a date?

kate1991

Boombastic wrote: »

Did I get this right?


You were supposed to meet him and didn't and he found himself another 'date' for the night? Doesn't sound as if he's that in to you tbh.

Why couldn't you meet him without your friends if it was a date?

Hiye! No I was meant to go up North to his gig tonight but as all my mates bailed on coming with I didn't want to go alone - as I live in the south east and it would be a serious journey to make alone - considering he would be DJing most of the night. He had gone on a date during the week and told me about it over messaging!

thegreatgonzo

If you like him I think it's your move now. He made two attempts and each time you didn't show, and even if they were good reasons or not, he may have already decided that it's going to be too difficult. Also telling him you went on a date, and then making matey comments about his dates totally sends out the message that you aren't really interested.

MagicMarker

I really don't understand people.

OP, you clearly both like each other. Why don't you just cut the BS and tell him so, and that when you seen him in a couple of weeks you want to go on a date?

What's the point in agonising over this for the next two weeks?

osarusan

Maybe he played down his disappointment at your news that you couldn't make it to Belfast after all? To not make you feel guilty?

This was after him possibly changing flights to be able to spend more time with you. I can imagine him coming to the conclusion that you weren't that serious about things.

kate1991

osarusan wrote: »

Maybe he played down his disappointment at your news that you couldn't make it to Belfast after all? To not make you feel guilty?

This was after him possibly changing flights to be able to spend more time with you. I can imagine him coming to the conclusion that you weren't that serious about things.

But it was never a 'thing' in the first place if you get me. It could possibley be a thing now, but I'm confused as to if he thinks it is!

Czarcasm

kate1991 wrote: »

But it was never a 'thing' in the first place if you get me. It could possibley be a thing now, but I'm confused as to if he thinks it is!

OP to be honest it doesn't sound like there's any real potential for a relationship there. Neither of you seem particularly interested in developing a relationship and it looks like you're both wondering how the other one feels and neither of you are willing to put yourselves out there for fear that the other person doesn't feel the same way. For both your sakes just call a halt to the thing and move on with your lives a bit closer to home, because right now it looks like you're just torturing each other - you're gutted that he was with someone else and yet you still ask him to tell you the details? You tell him you were with someone else and are upset when he doesn't react like he's upset?

That's playing games, and playing games is never going to lay the foundations for a healthy relationship, especially one that looks like it would mostly play out online over long distance, where the possibility of miscommunication is rife, leading to further upset and hurt and headaches.

You'll save yourself an awful lot of further hassle and heartache by nipping this one in the bud and moving on with your life closer to home.

fallen01angel

Hi OP, a couple of things from your opening post jumped out at me.

Ye added each other on social networking sites in Oct but the 1st communication was in Dec when he was coming up over for a gig....if he felt the same/similar connection you felt surely he would have been in touch a lot sooner.....But you didn't contact him either??

He was blasé about you going on a date and only teased about where the guy took you.....maybe he was playing it cool,but maybe he wasn't too bothered.

Didn't seem terribly put out by the fact you couldn't make the Northern Ireland gig and then the next day told you he had gone on a date that night anyway.....this is the one point that screamed at me tbh.

I think you should tread very carefully at the very least OP,this guy sounds flaky at best and if you were a friend of mine I would be recommending you to stay far away.

CaraMay

Ah op there is serious messing going on here before you even factor in the long distance aspect.

You made two mistakes one which was playing head games by telling him you were out dating and then not going to the gig up the north.

This is a dead duck. Move on and accept ye will just be friends.

jane82

Sometimes djs and musicians ad girls on facebook to get them to go to their gigs. I wouldnt try play games chances are he would play circles around you.
Just ask him how he feels straight out and if you get any middle of the road question avoiding answer you can guess what hes at.
Alot of the time you can see things that arnt there caught up in the excitement.
If he turns up when you travel over its a good sign.
Think of it this way though you are a travelling fan bringing a crowd of friends with you to his gigs. Of course he will chat to you now and again.

AnonMouse

The dating scene in Ireland is pretty messed up if you ask me - everyone playing it cool, not wanting to show a person that you like them etc. It seems weird to me. If you like someone, you should be able to say it, rather than playing head games.

As others have said, you should probably just move on from this, for reasons of distance between you, head games, fear of going to meet him alone, to name but a few.

dellas1979

All this too'ing and fro'ing aside, before it even goes anywhere, sit down and have a think what it would mean if you got more attached to him. He tours around. Communication is intermittent. Meeting up not possible. It seems pretty hard, even now. Is this what you want?

If you decide to go for it, and if you dont know where you stand, find out where you stand.

I dont know why people are so scared to find out these things off people. If someone is scared away because you tell them/suggest you like them, then it really wasnt meant to be, now was it?

Mr. Incognito

So you like him....

And let him know this by telling him you were dating other lads, and bailing on him twice.

A guy you know is shy.

I don't think ye are compatible.

He changed his flights to see you. You bailed and then blanked him because he wasn't upset enough about it. You are living on a different planet.