My First Ever Short Story - Feedback Appreciated

sdevine89

Hi

I normally post over in photography, but took the plunge and wrote my first short story. I published it today on Medium. It's only a couple of hundred words so if you have a few minutes I'd love some feedback.

https://medium.com/tobacco-smoking/eb5c62d19b62

For those interested. These were the notes I scribbled down when the idea came to me watching a man on the DART platform:

Platform. Old man. Cigarette. Train Approaching. Glamour. Flicker. Wind. Dejection. Stubbed out. Well Dressed. Marlboro. Descending Time. Another Time.

RoyMcC

Nice, brooding sketch. I'd suggest it might work better with a bit of suspense - hopelessness, no escape, platform, approaching train... Then, the crisis over, back to the mundane. Give a few more physical attributes maybe so that we can imagine your MC better. Personally I'd break up your sentences a bit for more edginess.

Well done :-)

The_Gatsby

I liked the scene you painted but I would liked to have known more about your MC. I struggled to put a face to the man the story was about which made it harder to visualise. I think you painted a good scene though, well done