Beginning again after a life of mistakes

LegacyUser

My problem for the greater part of my life was confidence. Self confidence. I had absolutely none.

I spent thirteen awful years in the school system, trying to make myself invisible. Terrified of my peers, my teachers, of authority. Terrified of everything. I learnt nothing. The pity was, I was quite clever enough, and could pick things up. But I spent the entire school day watching the clock, worried sick about how I was going to get the mile home without getting bullied. The ironic thing is, I hardly ever was bullied, I was so adept at being 'invisible.'

I left school, and aimlessly went to college. A waste of time, as my terrible social abilities meant I would never be able to engage properly. I walked out of a diploma course without finishing, and took on a whole series of underpaid jobs, none of which advanced me or gave me any kind of proper basis to build a life on. The couple of half decent jobs I did get, I generally left for ridiculous reasons, looking back now I know down to my lack of confidence around my employers.

Leap forward a couple of decades, and here I am in my late forties, trying to figure myself out. I now finally, in the last few years, have the self confidence I dearly wish I could have had all my life. I can deal with people now. It's like something just clicked with me a couple of years ago.

So what is my problem?

Well, here I am in my late forties, in a dead end, underpaid job, working for a very careless and unsympathetic employer, who is simply using me. I have no qualifications. I do have a mortgage, although to be honest, it is a millstone, ties me down, and means I haven't the flexibility to just drop everything and do something different.

I cannot seem to find a relationship. I suppose the old default position of lack of self confidence is kicking in, even though I make a conscious effort now to get on with things. I had forty years of conditioning to be a non-confident person. It's a bit like trying to walk up a down escalator. I feel that women want a good successful man, and a guy in his forties still working for not much above minimum wage is never going to be a good catch.

And I am stuck.

I would dearly love to bring life to a complete stop, and do something entirely different. Start again from scratch. I still have time. But I don't know how. My working hours are long, and all over the place, so I cannot commit to evening education. An impossibility. And even if I could, I could only make a success of it with a calm, stress-free mind. Which I don't have. I can't give up work, because I must pay the bills, and I cannot get a better job, because there aren't any. I have tried.

I literally have no idea what to do. I feel completely and utterly stuck. And life today is just going through the motions. I am rapidly losing interest in everything. The joy and the horror is gone out of life, to be replaced with a dull resignation. Tomorrow will be the same as today. And nothing has any point.

I am paying now for forty years of mistakes and bad judgement. How do I take control of the rest of my life still left to me? How can I begin again at this late stage? Where should I be focussing?

omahaid

Hi OP,

I don't think you should dismiss education as an impossibility. I left secondary with a disastrous leaving cert but went back as a mature student. As my results in college went from strength to strength so did my confidence. When I left with my degree I was a lot more confident. Something like Open University fits around your schedule so I think that's an option. And you can do it at home, which I imagine is a stress free environment?

LegacyUser

You ask a very difficult question, OP, and I suspect everyone has a different answer. I know it sounds trite, but the most important part of the process is beginning it. You're clearly thinking about your options, which is good, but you can't seem to come up with any viable escape route. I know it is easier said than done, but if your job is a milestone and is keeping you from education etc, you might just have to take the risk of finding something new if that is remotely possible. Depending on where you live, there must be some similarly placed job that would allow you to start studying without bringing work home, and that wouldn't expect you to be at the boss' beck and call.

You sound very intelligent so education seems like a good choice, but be realistic about what a degree / diploma is worth these days. Consider your options very carefully - don't walk into courses for the sake of it. Maybe make a plan that between now and September (well, a bit before for applications etc) you look into what your affordable options are and also dip your toe into possible subjects. Do some reading, with an open mind pick up things in the bookshop and start improving your mind now, regardless of the job or the mortgage. Once you find a subject or subjects you have a fire in your belly for, think about your options for formal study (the OU I found pretty decent, though a brick and mortar university experience is totally different and for me much more rewarding). But most importantly, don't postpone changing your habits and improving yourself until things beyond your control change. We all go through peaks of motivation and you have to learn to grab them while they're there. So, if you're fed up with life as it is today and you have the motivation to change it, start today. Change your diet. Throw out your tv. Commit to improving on your flaws. Think carefully about all the things, major and minor, you want to change, and itemise how you're going to do it. Plan your day so you get more out of your spare time. Consider carefully whether or not you can leave your job or re-establish boundaries with your boss. Join a book club - not a hoighty toighty one - and see if you can connect with people through the shared interest. Use the motivation you have now to make concrete changes TODAY, or you'll slink back into routine again.
Incidentally, there is something to be said for a boring-ass day job that demands nothing of you, if you have the motivation to steer yourself in your private time. I know someone who has worked all his life as a porter in hotels and restaurants, and he's read and travelled like a highflyer.

December2012

I have found that talking things out with a therapist has helped me process my past and clear my mind. This helps me make better decisions in my life and stop being wasteful with my time.

thefeatheredcat

about_turn wrote: »

working for a very careless and unsympathetic employer, who is simply using me.

You say you can't get a better job, why not a similar job but with a better employer? Look perhaps to your employer's competitors and see how things are there?


Don't let erratic work hours end up being a means to not change your life, to the point of it becoming an excuse, that you sacrifice what could have been due to the hours. I have done that and kicked myself for it. Can you find similar work with more structured hours?

You should focus on what options you do have. Imagine for a minute you did have a reasonable employer and reasonable less demanding working hours. What would you do next? What options would that open up for you?

Focus on what is possible, what is open to you and how you can change your current situation to one that opens up more options for you.

I read a book by Alison Haynes called Change: How to kickstart the future and refresh your spirit. It's a fairly straightforward book on change looking at 6 key areas including relationships and work, some of which is common sense, but interesting, if you google it, you can preview it on google books with extracts. I don't know if it would be of benefit to you, though, but might be worth a try.

I don't think there is an answer that solves your situation overnight. It would take time in taking steps to alter your life and in keeping with your commitments. I think you might need to ask yourself some fairly tough honest questions about what you actually want, and what lengths you are willing to go to achieve that.