Am I being taken for granted?

LegacyUser

Hi,

I am looking for some opinions on this issue and looking for advice on how to address and change them, if they can be changed.

My boyfriend and I are together for almost three years, both mid-twenties. This is my first relationship and his second serious relationship.

I want to start by saying that I love him dearly and want to address and rectify these issues, I do not want to break up with him.

Today really showed me how uncaring and sometimes insensitive my boyfriend can be.

Generally for Valentines we don’t do anything, maybe cook a nice dinner and watch a movie or something but that is about it.

I suggested to my boyfriend last week that maybe today (V-day) we could go for lunch in town just for the day that is in it and also because we have both been stressed lately so maybe lunch out would be nice for us and a chance to relax a bit too. He said yes and thought it was a good idea and then changed his mind, he then suggested that as he has an upcoming exam I could go to the city with him (where his exam is) and after his exam we could grab lunch, do something and then get dinner and head home, grand I thought so we agreed to do that. He then suggested that I choose something to do on the day as it is two days after my birthday so I suggested some shopping (I don’t mean a full day shopping, just a look around one of my favourite shopping centres) and he rolled his eyes and sighed. I should add, I do not go shopping regularly, I pick up bits and pieces when I have money, but I don’t actively go on shopping days/trips, and the last time I did was last summer, with my boyfriend.

My boyfriend said that for Valentine’s Day he would get me flowers, chocolates and a voucher for a beautician I go to (and I only go when I have money, it’s not a regular thing) and I thought “great, a chance for a treat”, but none of it happened. No flowers, no chocolates, no vouchers, no nothing. Not even a “Happy Valentine’s Day”. Last night after 12am I said to him “Happy Valentine’s Day” and his reply was “Bah Humbug” in a cold tone and that was it. So I said no more and just went to sleep.

Yesterday he met me outside his place of work as he had to go and collect a voucher for his friends girlfriend for today, and was telling me about how his friend was ordering flowers for his girlfriend, he also told me about another friend who spent €50 on flowers for his girlfriend and was having them delivered to her place of work and said how it was a waste of money and there’s nothing to show for it. About an hour ago he asked me when was I going to the beautician and I said “whenever I have money” and he said to ring tomorrow and make an appointment for next week. Romantic, eh?

He regularly tells me about little things his friends do for their partners, such as picking up a bottle of wine/beer or something small they'd like, or take them for lunch/dinner/get takeaway etc., yet he rarely does any of that. A few (maybe 3) times we have gotten take away and I genuinely had no money for it and he has paid, but I’ve always paid him back in other ways, maybe by doing something for him or picking something up for him etc.

We have a wedding next week of one of his friends and when we found out when the wedding was (we were told about three weeks ago) he got huffy when I said I wouldn’t go because I couldn’t afford it and eventually said he would buy my dress as I had none suitable.

He also lives with his brother, who is, quite frankly, pig ignorant and messy, lazy, untidy, inconsiderate and has no regard for anyone bar himself. Constantly he leaves their house in a mess and most recently didn’t clean it for a number of weeks (my boyfriend and I stayed in my house most of those weeks due to the state of his own house) and in the end my boyfriend ended up cleaning up after his brother and of course my boyfriend then asked my would I do some of his clothes washing for him as he was so busy tidying up after his lazy brother and I eventually agreed.

This has happened a few times and on a few occasions when his brother (or brothers girlfriend) has mixed up all his clothes (clean, dirty, wet and dry) I have brought suitcases full of clothes back to my own house (I live with my mother) and have washed, dried and sorted them for him so he had clothes to wear. I usually only get a quick ‘thanks’ and that’s it, never anything else.

I always do all the cooking, preparing for cooking, and the washing up after, and he dries usually. I used to love cooking but over the past few weeks I have found myself enjoying it less and its becoming more of a chore for me because I always do it and most things associated with it (shopping, preparing, washing etc.). Sometimes I wish he would just do it all and see how hard it actually is.

Today he cooked lunch, well put the sausages in the oven and turned them twice, put the rashers on and then asked me a few times to check them but I didn't so he had to do it. I was left to wash up everything, cook the eggs, the toast and then wash up again and tidy everything off.

For birthdays we have a budget of €150 for presents/dinner etc. and last year I spent approx €170. I bought him clothes, dinner and gave him €60 for his theory test (which he never did!).
This year when he asked me what I wanted and what was the budget I explained that I hadn't thought of gifts etc yet and that the budget is €150, as it has always been and he looked at me and asked if I expected him to pull "€150 out of his arse" and I explained about last year and every other year and he sighed and rolled over and went to sleep.
It's fine for me to spend it on him - but when it comes to turning the tables he's not happy - and it was him who suggested the budget amount, not me.

I don't expect him to spoil me or spend all his money on me or buy me things constantly, but even offering to cook dinner or wash up etc. is something. I always prep, and cook and wash the dishes, he usually dries them, and that it. Rarely does he help with anything else, unless he is nagged into it.

I'm just tired of it. I can't help but feel a little jealous when I hear stories of things his friends do for their partners, and he never does any of them.

He says he’s "got no money" apparently, but will have €500 this week between this week’s wages, refunds and money left over from last week’s wages, yet he is broke. I have 41 cent in my purse and €30 in my bank, but he is broke, and he has 16 times the amount I have and yet he his broke. No rent until the end of Feb, no bills for another two weeks either.

He also suffers from depression and was out of work a few times last year on Dr’s certs and on October he got a self-referral letter for therapy for his depression and only last week was it posted off because I posted and I was also the one to fill it out for him, all he did was sign the consent page and that was it, I did the rest.

I suffer from depression and anxiety myself and last week had two panic attacks and as a result I was put on two types of medication for it and will need to see my doctor once a month for as long as I am on the medication and also to make sure my anxiety/depression is under control, I also have therapy every two weeks for my depression.

I have had a lot going on in my own life too over the past few months, my dad moved abroad and I rarely speak to him (not by choice, I might add) and also my half-sister has decided that she ‘doesn’t know if she can cope with having a sister’ – we spent three years building a relationship (my dad kept me secret from his family until I was 19, and up until then, I knew nothing about my dad either, who he was, where he was, that I had half-siblings etc.) so it was quite a blow when she started ignoring me over the course of a few months and eventually explained what was wrong, after I’d spent nearly a year wondering what I did to her etc. when I hadn’t done anything at all.

Sorry for the long post, I have so much on my plate and really needed to get it out somewhere.

LegacyUser

I also want to clarify - its not about my boyfriend not getting me anything for Valentine's Day, its the fact he said he was and I got excited and then received nothing, not a card, nothing.

Big Bag of Chips

Obvious question - but why don't you say something to him about it?

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Obvious question - but why don't you say something to him about it?

Because I am unsure if I am being unreasonable and demanding or if I am actually correct.

I am also unsure how to broach the subject with him.

Generally I have no problem speaking my mind, and telling him when he is being inconsiderate etc and if he is out of line I will make him aware of it and he will apologise (when he realise's he is in the wrong) but this issue has me stumped.

Big Bag of Chips

Well it's something that is bothering you in your relationship. Something that has upset you. You went to the trouble of typing out a rather lengthy and detailed post to explain why you are feeling like this.. so.... why not say it to him?!

Really. If you were doing something in your relationship, that really bothered him, would you rather he brought it up so you could discuss it, or would you rather he said nothing and just let it simmer?

Meauldsegosha

so much on my plate wrote: »

I want to start by saying that I love him dearly and want to address and rectify these issues, I do not want to break up with him.

Today really showed me how uncaring and sometimes insensitive my boyfriend can be.

OP you've written a very long post and nowhere have you said anything positive about your boyfriend, how he behaves or how he treats you. I understand you love him but the issues you mention are part of his personality and you can't change or rectify them. And only he can do that.

Ham Sambo

I think you answered your own question before you even asked it..if that makes sense, clearly you are a very obliging person and I think you good natured has been hijacked by this guy who by all accounts doesn't appreciate you at all. If you love him sit him down and talk to him, if that doesn't work and you both have exhausted all avenues then it is time to move on. Best of luck.

mblay

Are you being taken for granted ?i think so . After reading that I can't see the good this guy does for you ?you say you suffer with anxiety ,his attitude doesn't help you as he creates stress and anxiety for you , he makes little or no effort . If you don't want to split up take all advice and approach him about these issues .i hope you can find a good outcome as you found like a really nice person

Czarcasm

OP your post is very confusing tbh (and not just because I've a few drinks down) because on the one hand you say it's not about your boyfriend not having got you anything, then you dedicate almost your whole post to running him down, before finally explaining that you both suffer from depression and in the final paragraph you throw a rather complex family situation into the mix, which makes it sound more like tonight is just the straw that broke the camels back, and there are a whole multitude of issues going on in the background.

Your brother's relationship with his brother, you're living at home yourself, you both have budgets of €150 for presents yet neither of you has a cent to your name so to speak. You're both in your mid-20's and tbh it just sounds like your relationship is doing neither of you any good as you're both resentful of each others behaviour and looking at relationships outside your own, envious of what you both could have and what you should be.

I understand OP you said you love your boyfriend and you don't want to break up with him, but I'm wondering are you both just staying with each other (and I'm trying to be as sensitive as possible about this) because you're both miserable as each other and you're almost comfortable in that misery because it's the one and only thing either of you are certain of?

What do you see as your future together if you both stay in this situation and you're both dragging each other down? Would you consider even a trial separation and both of you make a concerted effort to concentrate on building your lives back up again as individuals and then examine the possibility of a relationship when you're both on a much steadier individual footing?

It's very hard to feel love for anyone OP when you're suffering from depression, hell it's very hard to feel even love for yourself, very hard even to feel anything full stop, so maybe what you're both feeling isn't so much love for each other as opposed to just a need for an anchor to keep you both grounded.

I think OP tonight's been a bit of an eye opener for you, and it's given you a place to start to examine your relationship. You'll both have to make some tough decisions over the next couple of weeks, and tbh my concern isn't so much for your relationship as it is for you both as individuals.

Stavro Mueller

OP, I am genuinely wondering what you're gaining from being in a relationship with your boyfriend? That post from you is quite an outpouring of hurt, anger and resentment from a woman who has been treated pretty shabbily by the man who supposedly loves her. From your point of view, it's worrying that you don't feel like you can sit him down and have a conversation about it. In your second post you wondered were you being unreasonable and demanding. That you no longer can tell the difference is something you should have a think about.

Sometimes people stay in bad relationships for the wrong reasons; they can't cope with the idea of being single again, they think being in a bad relationship is better than no relationship, they don't think anyone better will come along... ask yourself do you fall into any of these categories?

You've got a lot going on in your life and you sound like you're somewhat fragile. Is this guy the right person for you? What good does he bring to your life?