Tell her you love her

little_stars

The only time my bf will tell me he loves me is when I tell him I love him. It's not like he's saying it of his own conviction. It just seems reactionary. This is my assumption I know but
He use to say it so tenderly in the past and now never says I love you anymore.
I miss it so much and now more than ever because I feel me growing deeper into him I want to say it more but am afraid that by doing so I'll receive a forced response.
I have talked about it with him and he's not really given any reasons why and nothing has changed. Should I just keep bringing it up? I know he loves me but don't we all love to hear it from the one we love too! Anyone any advice or tips have you had something similar to what I am going through?

LegacyUser

Hi OP. This happened to me, but with my husband of 21 years. It turned out to be the beginning of the end, sadly. He wanted out of the marriage, but he was putting off telling me, until I confronted him about it.

I don't know what you can do if you have spoken to him about it and he says nothing has changed, though. Are you still physically intimate - not just sex, but hugs and kisses, etc? Because if that's on the wane, I'd be worried.

Neyite

Does he show you that he loves you?

That's more important than saying it, in my book anyway.

Tokyo

OP, you say that you *know* that he loves you, which means to me that, other than the words, he is showing you in every other way that you are the one for him. From that it sounds like the type of guy that DOES love you, but feels like he doesn't need to say it to you for you to know it.

The bigger thing for me would be how he acts towards you. For some guys, actions speak louder than words and he may just not be that into saying it. Does he otherwise seem like he loves you? Does he do nice things for you, care for you, etc? If there are other things in the relationship that are making you feel like he might not be in love with you, you may have a bigger issue on your hands. But it may be a simple issue of him just being an actions vs. words guy....

Tyrone Shoes

Hi Op I think if he is an actions are better than words type manthen why was he more verbal about his love before and not anymore? Has he just become an action versus words man?
And all he says is nothing has changed?

Kidchameleon

OP if you know he loves you then what is the problem? Some people just don't say those words, they express their love in other ways. By bringing this up with him again and again you are putting strain on a relationship that looks like it is otherwise fine.

Just tell him it would mean a lot to you if he told you more often, tell him you know he loves you but hearing it makes you happy.

It's three little words and it wouldn't cost him anything to reassure you, and it certainly does no harm.

little_stars

coldanddamp wrote: »

Hi OP. This happened to me, but with my husband of 21 years. It turned out to be the beginning of the end, sadly. He wanted out of the marriage, but he was putting off telling me, until I confronted him about it.

I don't know what you can do if you have spoken to him about it and he says nothing has changed, though. Are you still physically intimate - not just sex, but hugs and kisses, etc? Because if that's on the wane, I'd be worried.

The physical side is poor.
I am the one who instigates the sex...

little_stars

Neyite wrote: »

Does he show you that he loves you?

That's more important than saying it, in my book anyway.

Of course this is important he is an absolute gentleman a good provider and caring.
He is this to all he holds dear within the circle of family and friends.
I am left wanting for nothing other than those three little words.

little_stars

Kidchameleon wrote: »

OP if you know he loves you then what is the problem? Some people just don't say those words, they express their love in other ways. By bringing this up with him again and again you are putting strain on a relationship that looks like it is otherwise fine.

Indeed, I've only brought it up once hence my question. If he's not had any problems saying it before then why now ...that is my problem.
Plus I miss it if it wasn't there to begin with then I would think your answer would have made sense to me. I'm not sure if this love, his love is diluting.

little_stars

Candie wrote: »

Just tell him it would mean a lot to you if he told you more often, tell him you know he loves you but hearing it makes you happy.

It's three little words and it wouldn't cost him anything to reassure you, and it certainly does no harm.

I know
That is what 'the talk' was about....
He nods his head and then nothing happens.

All you can do is bring it up again and ask if there's a reason he's not saying it any more. It might end up in a conversation that might upset you, or it might impress on him that it's important for you to hear.

I hope it works out.

Kidchameleon

Hmmm, I see what your saying OP. I'd be worried that talking to him and asking him to say it is going to make him say it for the sake of it, just to keep you happy. If your talking to him perhaps try to find out why he isn't saying it as much? How long are you guys together? Perhaps the honeymoon is over and things are "normalizing" now?

little_stars

mike_ie wrote: »

OP, you say that you *know* that he loves you, which means to me that, other than the words, he is showing you in every other way that you are the one for him. From that it sounds like the type of guy that DOES love you, but feels like he doesn't need to say it to you for you to know it.

The bigger thing for me would be how he acts towards you. For some guys, actions speak louder than words and he may just not be that into saying it. Does he otherwise seem like he loves you? Does he do nice things for you, care for you, etc? If there are other things in the relationship that are making you feel like he might not be in love with you, you may have a bigger issue on your hands. But it may be a simple issue of him just being an actions vs. words guy....

He does nice things for me.
I am the one who has to take the lead if we are going to have sex and that would fall under the action category.
If I make no move there would be no sex.
If I don't say I love you he doesn't say it back.

I am afraid that this is a bigger issue.

Tokyo

little_stars wrote: »

He does nice things for me.
I am the one who has to take the lead if we are going to have sex and that would fall under the action category.
If I make no move there would be no sex.
If I don't say I love you he doesn't say it back.

I am afraid that this is a bigger issue.

Then the original post is a little misleading, as what you are actually saying is "My boyfriend doesn't make me happy", which is a whole different issue. What you are now describing sounds like you and your boyfriend have grown apart, and it's getting to the point where you either need both parties to work on it, or to walk away.

It sounds like you need to have a long and honest conversation with him. Your conversations thus far sound a little bit confrontational, which may not be the best approach. Talking to him about your problems doesn't necessarily mean you should jump on him to talk about what's wrong the relationship. He'll likely feel cornered by that and will pull back more. But you do need to talk to him honestly, and explain that you feel like you are growing apart, much like you have told us here. Let him know that you feel that you need to make changes, one way or the other, and discuss with him what you are both willing to invest in the relationship.

Your boyfriend sounds like a decent guy, and from what you say he is doing a lot of the right things in your eyes, so from my viewpoint here, it seems to be worth working on. But at the end of the day it all boils down to what you want, as an individual, and as a couple. Relationships go through phases, and not all of them are meant to last. My best advice would be to look at your relationship and imagine it in 20 years. Do you see yourself being happy?

alias06

Its not just that he is not saying 'I love you' - he has also lost interest in sex with you. As mike says above its more that you have drifted apart. That's what you need to talk to your boyfriend about.

little_stars

mike_ie wrote: »

Then the original post is a little misleading, as what you are actually saying is "My boyfriend doesn't make me happy", which is a whole different issue. What you are now describing sounds like you and your boyfriend have grown apart, and it's getting to the point where you either need both parties to work on it, or to walk away.

It sounds like you need to have a long and honest conversation with him. Your conversations thus far sound a little bit confrontational, which may not be the best approach. Talking to him about your problems doesn't necessarily mean you should jump on him to talk about what's wrong the relationship. He'll likely feel cornered by that and will pull back more. But you do need to talk to him honestly, and explain that you feel like you are growing apart, much like you have told us here. Let him know that you feel that you need to make changes, one way or the other, and discuss with him what you are both willing to invest in the relationship.

Your boyfriend sounds like a decent guy, and from what you say he is doing a lot of the right things in your eyes, so from my viewpoint here, it seems to be worth working on. But at the end of the day it all boils down to what you want, as an individual, and as a couple. Relationships go through phases, and not all of them are meant to last. My best advice would be to look at your relationship and imagine it in 20 years. Do you see yourself being happy?

Thanks for the advice