Bit of a dilema

TheFarneyman

A long story that ill try make as short as possible...
I was going out with a girl last year and she has came back to me in recent weeks as she is now pregnant. We are no longer together but she is a lovely girl and will make a great mother. I have said i will support her and the child as much as possible but both of us have agreed that now is not the right time to get into a relationship just because of the child. Im not ruling this out in the future but for now its the right decision. financially we are ok as both have a decent job. She has put no pressure on me or anything and has a good support network of family and friends around her. I have told my family and friends and although in shock they have been very positive and supportive of the situation. I will always provide for my child and it will always be loved, I have another child and we are very close and i have joint custody of her for the past few years. The chances of 2 unplanned pregnancies in so many years is surely lotto numbers chances but i do believe children are a blessing and i can see the positives of it now, even if i am still very anxious about the whole situation. The few few questions i have are a) how do i deal with being a single father of 2 children on my own b) will any future girl come along and judge me on having 2 children with two different mothers and not give me a chance, that the stigma will hang over me. Please only constructive comments only.

strobe

Are you sure the child is yours?

P. Breathnach

First, credit to you for being positive about your role as a father. Of course you are right not to jump into a relationship in the circumstances.

It looks as if the mother is also approaching things in the best way, and I am guessing that you are working positively with the mother of your older child. In a way, your situation is not totally different from that of somebody in a relationship; two children involve more effort than one. Down the line, you will have to consider whether you keep them compartmentalised from one another, or if they should come to know each other as siblings.

Yes, you may find your girlfriend possibilities limited in the future. But that is as it should be: you don't really need to hook up with somebody who cannot or will not accept your family. There are women who will be okay with it, and many who will give you credit for accepting your responsibilities. [But they will be very careful about contraception until they are sure that the relationship is long-term!]

MugMugs

strobe wrote: »

Are you sure the child is yours?

Fair question really.

How long ago last year and are you completely satisfied that it is yours?

ie: You didn't use protection etc !

TheFarneyman

Its mine alright, its within the time frame we were going out, she was on the pill.

CaraMay

There is no doubt but it will put some women off mainly due to the fact there will be 2 ex's to negotiate with for weekends, holidays, Xmas etc before you have any more kids with any new partner.

Do you want more kids? If not, this could be a deal breaker for some women you meet.

I think the best thing to do riyals be try to have both kids over the same weekends and nights so they know each other and so you do have some spare nights for a new relationship. It's not going to be easy and if you have decided not to have more kids then it's important to tell any new partners but maybe you should consider getting the snip too.

You have been having unprotected sex so it's probably wise to have sti testing done to make sure you are ok. It would be no harm either to have a paternity test done when the baby is born. Did you have a test done on your first child?

Merkin

TheFarneyman wrote: »

The few few questions i have are a) how do i deal with being a single father of 2 children on my own b) will any future girl come along and judge me on having 2 children with two different mothers and not give me a chance, that the stigma will hang over me. Please only constructive comments only.

a. You'll be able to manage it. I think the best thing to do is to be totally transparent with both mothers and be honest about having another child. If you are honest from the onset, it will help you manage expectations with regard to visitation rights and maintenance etc.

b. Yes, I think it would put some women off. It will mean any woman that wants to start a family with you will already have two stepchildren (and step sibling to your own kids) to contend with. As Cara Mary pointed out, when dating, it will also mean there are extra demands on your time. Again, all you can do is be truthful from the onset with any potential partners.

Lastly, I would definitely advise you to have a paternity test. I wouldn't have any qualms about requesting one - if you are going to be part of the child's life going forward then you need to be absolutely sure it is yours.

Stigma is the wrong word. There's no stigma but there might be a reluctance to take on what they see as 'baggage'. It sounds rather unpleasant but the mechanics of establishing a relationship with two children with two mothers, with all the schedule differences that implies might be a dealbreaker, as would be your stance on further children. But if the right person comes along, she'll undoubtedly think you're worth the effort. It's all down to the individual, and your ability to show you cope well with your situation.

Get it running as smoothly as possible and you're likely to have less issues. The children should definitely know one another and spend time together, so try working with their mums to make that happen. It'll make your life easier and theirs fuller. Well done on doing so well with the mothers, it can't be an easy road to navigate. Best of luck.

IrishEyes19

I really advise getting paternity tests done. Of course no method of contraception is fool proof but when the pill is used with caution taken into account, you should be ok. Now as I said, not fool proof, illness, other medications ect....all play their roles. But it wouldnt hurt to be sure.

Czarcasm

TheFarneyman wrote: »

A long story that ill try make as short as possible...
I was going out with a girl last year and she has came back to me in recent weeks as she is now pregnant. We are no longer together but she is a lovely girl and will make a great mother. I have said i will support her and the child as much as possible but both of us have agreed that now is not the right time to get into a relationship just because of the child. Im not ruling this out in the future but for now its the right decision. financially we are ok as both have a decent job. She has put no pressure on me or anything and has a good support network of family and friends around her. I have told my family and friends and although in shock they have been very positive and supportive of the situation. I will always provide for my child and it will always be loved, I have another child and we are very close and i have joint custody of her for the past few years. The chances of 2 unplanned pregnancies in so many years is surely lotto numbers chances but i do believe children are a blessing and i can see the positives of it now, even if i am still very anxious about the whole situation.

Clearly OP you need to examine your choice of condoms to reduce the risk of further unplanned pregnancies, there are extra strength condoms available which while they reduce sensation, they also reduce the risk of unplanned pregnancy from breakages, etc. That being said, one thing that's commendable at least is that you are taking responsibility for your children with the support of both women involved and your respective families. The odds of two unplanned pregnancies aren't lotto numbers chances, but the odds of you being able to keep all the balls in the air (metaphorically speaking at least!) and juggling your career, your personal life, and preparing yourself for what is at best an unorthodox relationship setup, it's no wonder you're anxious. I think it's fair to say most people would baulk at the idea tbh when faced with the task ahead of you!

The few few questions i have are a) how do i deal with being a single father of 2 children on my own

You're not really a single father though, at least not in the conventional sense or the same way that your children's mothers are single mothers. They are the children's primary carers, who by all accounts seem to have good support networks in place. I've met men who ARE single fathers (20 years ago my ex's father had raised four girls and a baby boy that was born shortly before his wife died of cancer), and when asked how the fcuk did they manage, the answers pretty much always the same - "You just DO, because you HAVE to!". Incidentally I'm still great friends with my ex (even calling her my ex at this stage is silly but I'm trying to keep things simple here) and now she actually fosters children. Things didn't work out between us, but I still think the world of her while she still wonders will I ever grow up! Highly unlikely at this point, but less about me and more back to you -

b) will any future girl come along and judge me on having 2 children with two different mothers and not give me a chance, that the stigma will hang over me. Please only constructive comments only.

That stigma you speak of is only one of your own making. It's in your head. Sure, there are the obvious practical concerns like time management, some serious explaining to do, but more important than any of that is YOU as a person, and while I don't envy the task you have ahead of you, I can't help but have a certain admiration for you that you haven't abandoned your responsibilities. I'm reminded of the young girl I was talking to this morning who had a child at 17 and two years later was into her second year in University studying Child Development with a view to doing a Masters! She saw nothing particularly special about herself, but her maturity compared to many 19 year old's I know (hell, 37 year old's I know even! *cough*), was the more unconventional thing for me to get my head around rather than the fact she was a single mother in third level education. The stigma you speak of really doesn't exist any more, at least not in any sense I'd lend any credibility to!