I don't know where the *race* is, let alone know where to start.

Peanut Butter Jelly

Right here we go. As the title suggests, I have no clue about what it takes when it comes to asking a girl out. I've looked at threads but I haven't really spotted something that fits my criteria.

There's a girl I like that I went to school with, probably a 8/9 on your scale, but an 11 on mine. I'm 17 and she's 18. She is now in college while I've taken a year out meaning weekends are the only realistic time we could meet up.
Now, for the last 4 and a half years, I've had depression and I was suicidal for a while in 2013 and was 6 inches from been 6 feet under at one point. That left me with absolutely zero confidence and I am extremely shy and have terrible approach anxiety. I've talked to this girl before but I've never got to anything meaningful with her. We both like a lot of the same things. We get along well enough.

What I came here for was advice on how can I man the hell up and ask her on a date. She knows I do magic tricks because I've done them in school on a few occasions so I was wondering if I could use that some way. I know some psychological tricks that I can turn into a bet, she wins, I buy her a drink, I win she goes on a date with me sort of thing. I can get my phone number to turn up in cards she picks, and say that she has to call that number and ask whoever answers out on a date etc.

I'd also like to know what possible activities we could do if I got her to go on a date with me. We live in Mayo so options are kind of limited but feel free to post suggestions below and I'll look into if they're near at hand.

Penny Tration

Tbh, if you were suicidal as recently as last year and have issues with anxiety and self esteem, I wouldn't ask her out.

You need to control your own mental health first.

If you do decide to ask her out, don't bother with magic tricks and bets. Just text her and ask if she'd like to go for coffee.

ivytwine

Seconded, don't bother with magic tricks and bets. It's not a movie. Just ask her for a drink.

But if she says no don't let it upset you too much. Look after yourself.

ElleEm

Agree with the others, don't do magic tricks and for god's sake don't mention "scales". Ever again!

Ring her up and ask her out for a cup of tea/ go for a walk. Something simple to get to know each other.

But mind yourself. Be prepared that she might say no. If she does, just chalk it down to experience and move forward.

Big Bag of Chips

jane82, welcome to the Personal Issues Forum. Please take a few minutes to read the Forum Charter before posting again.

LegacyUser

It sounds like you are lonely and would like a girlfriend. And as you said, this one is the one the caught your eye so far.

This may sound a bit awful, but... if you are still feeling vulnerable, unsure, etc... could you not try to find another girl that is not a "9"? Could you not go for a "6"?

I mean, ok, maybe this girl is really nice, sweet etc and happens to be a "9", but is it really the case? Or is it platonic and you are setting yourself a really high challenge? If she's a "9" (and this is a huge stereotype, but here we go) she probably has lots of other guys hitting on her and might already have a bf and lots of other options. Probably lots of other guys who are also a "9" and are offering flowers and chocolates and all that jazz.

Even if she went out with you, would she have the time/patience to deal with the ups & downs of depression? (And I can say this as I've been through 2 depressions and I know I was not always the most delightful company, and also needed a lot of support and reassurance during those dark phases)

Why don't you ask out a girl who may be perhaps a "6" but you know more about her, and know she is mature, understanding, and can help you to get stronger? If you were/are depressed, the last thing you need is a high-maintenance girlfriend (again a stereotype but...) or a rejection.

Have you thought about online dating?

Best of luck and sorry for the generalisation.

Peanut Butter Jelly

aldkjffadlkfasdf wrote: »

It sounds like you are lonely and would like a girlfriend. And as you said, this one is the one the caught your eye so far.

This may sound a bit awful, but... if you are still feeling vulnerable, unsure, etc... could you not try to find another girl that is not a "9"? Could you not go for a "6"?

I mean, ok, maybe this girl is really nice, sweet etc and happens to be a "9", but is it really the case? Or is it platonic and you are setting yourself a really high challenge? If she's a "9" (and this is a huge stereotype, but here we go) she probably has lots of other guys hitting on her and might already have a bf and lots of other options. Probably lots of other guys who are also a "9" and are offering flowers and chocolates and all that jazz.

Even if she went out with you, would she have the time/patience to deal with the ups & downs of depression? (And I can say this as I've been through 2 depressions and I know I was not always the most delightful company, and also needed a lot of support and reassurance during those dark phases)

Why don't you ask out a girl who may be perhaps a "6" but you know more about her, and know she is mature, understanding, and can help you to get stronger? If you were/are depressed, the last thing you need is a high-maintenance girlfriend (again a stereotype but...) or a rejection.

Have you thought about online dating?

Best of luck and sorry for the generalisation.

Right, first up, thank you for the response. We're good friends so I thought I'd try and take it one step further. I've been on nights out with her and she really tends to stay with the girls. She doesn't have a boyfriend yet and isn't really seeking one.

As for the depression, I keep it quiet in public, don't display any signs of it as I look forward to nights out and just enjoy myself. It only effects me at home/ when I'm alone.

The girl I'm talking about is the best girl I know, so I couldn't really find another girl that I'd be totally comfortable with yet.

And at the tender age of 17, I've not considered online dating.

Tokyo

green_screen wrote: »

Tbh, if you were suicidal as recently as last year and have issues with anxiety and self esteem, I wouldn't ask her out.

You need to control your own mental health first.

If you do decide to ask her out, don't bother with magic tricks and bets. Just text her and ask if she'd like to go for coffee.

I couldn't agree more with this.

Just one thing though. Seeing as you are still working on your confidence and self esteem, are you prepared for the fact that she might say no??? Do you think that you will be able to maintain the friendship afterwards, or would you take it too much to heart?

Roselm

Peanut Butter Jelly wrote: »

Right, first up, thank you for the response. We're good friends so I thought I'd try and take it one step further. I've been on nights out with her and she really tends to stay with the girls. She doesn't have a boyfriend yet and isn't really seeking one.

As for the depression, I keep it quiet in public, don't display any signs of it as I look forward to nights out and just enjoy myself. It only effects me at home/ when I'm alone.

The girl I'm talking about is the best girl I know, so I couldn't really find another girl that I'd be totally comfortable with yet.

And at the tender age of 17, I've not considered online dating.

I think you should totally ask out the girl you actually like.It's not like we really get much of a choice in who we are attracted to. If ye are already friends you must already get on well and have things in common which is a great start! I say go for it

iwantmydinner

Hi OP, gosh you sound way more mature than 17!

A quick question - if she says no, how will you feel?

I like the phrase "don't let the fear of striking out prevent you from playing the game" and generally would advocate going for something you think will make you happy, but since you've been through so much, so recently, I'd be kinda concerned that rejection from her (which is of course a possibility) would have a severe effect on you.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Thanks for your reply and for more information. I didn’t realise you were friends with this girl, so this changes everything, in this case, yeah, def go for it! If you know her already and you know her personality and everything, then go for it. My bad for assuming it was platonic.

As for age, I was 17 when I had my first depression and you sound very mature. I don’t know about legal details of it etc, but the reason why I suggested the online dating is cos I find sometimes it’s easier to get to know someone’s personality and values online than on the pub/school scene. I can tell you I tried online dating recently, one of my dates was going through depression, we had a very good chat about it over email and decided to meet up in person no matter what and it worked out really well.

I’m not trying to lecture you, but as I mentioned, I’ve been there before before reg depression. “It only effects me at home/ when I'm alone” --> it’s true, because we are remarkably good at hiding it.

But eventually when we allow someone to get very close to us (such as in a relationship), either they will notice it and have to deal with it, or we live in a parallel universe with them.

They will notice when we cancel a date and don’t feel like seeing anyone for a week. Or they will notice mood changes. You know what I mean. The other option is to keep them far away so they don’t realise these things. Or to not date anyone till you have it all “sorted” (it’s been almost 10 years since my last depressive episode and it’s still a huge part of myself, so…)

I’ve tried both approaches – telling the other person and pretending it was not there- since I had bfs during my depressions bouts and this is a chat for another thread. What I was trying to say is 1) please don’t think I was being patronising (and apologies if I sounded like it) when I suggested online dating and/or finding someone who is mature and willing to deal with depression/difficulties in life and 2) please don’t fool yourself (as I did…) thinking I could hide the depression bit and it was no big deal being depressed during a relationship.

Even if you overcame it, the experience will affect who you are (for the better and for the worse) and I humbly think it’s wise to choose a partner who is mature and sensitive enough to go through this path with you. With the wrong partner, it can break a relationship and yourself. With the right partner, it can make you and your partner much more stronger and better human beings.

I guess what I was trying to say is, take all this in consideration before considering what number she is in the scale.

Wishing you all the best xx

Peanut Butter Jelly

I was 13 when I first got depressed, after my Granddad passed away. I'd also like to say, it was nearly a year ago exactly when I was standing on the ditch, 23rd of February to be exact. I carried on the feelings for a few months but it hasn't been a factor since. I've made sure I can control my feelings before I even contemplated seriously asking her out. I thought about it before and said to myself "What if she says no?" and instantly went into my shell. Now I'm heading into not expecting to hear no, but I'm heading in knowing it's not the end of the world if that's the answer.

As for her noticing my depression, well I'm going to be honest, I had planned on bringing it up at some point after we got together, like a month or so. If she reacted adversely, even though she's the "girl of my dreams", I would in all honesty reconsider if it was her that I wanted beside me if it hit the fan. She's quite light hearted but doesn't joke about the serious stuff as far as I can tell. I have already thought about if she could be mature enough to handle such a matter and I have decided so.

ivytwine

Peanut Butter Jelly wrote: »

I was 13 when I first got depressed, after my Granddad passed away. I'd also like to say, it was nearly a year ago exactly when I was standing on the ditch, 23rd of February to be exact. I carried on the feelings for a few months but it hasn't been a factor since. I've made sure I can control my feelings before I even contemplated seriously asking her out. I thought about it before and said to myself "What if she says no?" and instantly went into my shell. Now I'm heading into not expecting to hear no, but I'm heading in knowing it's not the end of the world if that's the answer.

As for her noticing my depression, well I'm going to be honest, I had planned on bringing it up at some point after we got together, like a month or so. If she reacted adversely, even though she's the "girl of my dreams", I would in all honesty reconsider if it was her that I wanted beside me if it hit the fan. She's quite light hearted but doesn't joke about the serious stuff as far as I can tell. I have already thought about if she could be mature enough to handle such a matter and I have decided so.

You really do sound like a very mature person, fair play to you. I hope it all works out for you.

My very first boyfriend shared something similar with me, we were quite young and it was only a month into it. I respected him so much for telling me, and although I come across as skittish and lighthearted, I've been there too. Him telling me brought us closer I think.

I think you should ask this girl out, and if she does say no you know it's not the end of the world. You sound like a great guy, and I think your future will be bright x

Peanut Butter Jelly

Now here's where my immaturity abounds me, how does one ask one out?

iwantmydinner

How do you normally communicate with her?

Tokyo

Peanut Butter Jelly wrote: »

Now here's where my immaturity abounds me, how does one ask one out?

"Hey, would you be interested in going out to a movie/drink/bite to eat sometime?"


It really is that straightforward....

Peanut Butter Jelly

iwantmydinner wrote: »

How do you normally communicate with her?

It's usually Facebook now that she's in college but we meet up on nights out every oncein a while.

The Pepper

aldkjffadlkfasdf wrote: »

It sounds like you are lonely and would like a girlfriend. And as you said, this one is the one the caught your eye so far.

This may sound a bit awful, but... if you are still feeling vulnerable, unsure, etc... could you not try to find another girl that is not a "9"? Could you not go for a "6"?

I mean, ok, maybe this girl is really nice, sweet etc and happens to be a "9", but is it really the case? Or is it platonic and you are setting yourself a really high challenge? If she's a "9" (and this is a huge stereotype, but here we go) she probably has lots of other guys hitting on her and might already have a bf and lots of other options. Probably lots of other guys who are also a "9" and are offering flowers and chocolates and all that jazz.

Even if she went out with you, would she have the time/patience to deal with the ups & downs of depression? (And I can say this as I've been through 2 depressions and I know I was not always the most delightful company, and also needed a lot of support and reassurance during those dark phases)

Why don't you ask out a girl who may be perhaps a "6" but you know more about her, and know she is mature, understanding, and can help you to get stronger? If you were/are depressed, the last thing you need is a high-maintenance girlfriend (again a stereotype but...) or a rejection.

Have you thought about online dating?

Best of luck and sorry for the generalisation.

OP don't listen to this, ask out whatever girl you want to.

Peanut Butter Jelly

Can someone recommend a first date? We're 17 and 18 so a history tour would be kinda low on the list.

Roselm

Peanut Butter Jelly wrote: »

Can someone recommend a first date? We're 17 and 18 so a history tour would be kinda low on the list.

The zoo?!

CaraMay

Peanut Butter Jelly wrote: »

Now here's where my immaturity abounds me, how does one ask one out?

I don't think it's immaturity, it's just lack of experience and we all had yo start somewhere.

What about going to the cinema or a comedy show?

Btw there is nothing wrong with being shy, I think it's attractive actually.

Peanut Butter Jelly

These are the activities that are close to us that are divided into what are near eachother.

Cinema
Bowling
Arcade
Food
Football game
Shopping
Park
Theatre/Comedy show/Concert
Pitch and putt
Leisure centre


Cinema
Food
Shopping
Mini golf
Karting
Forest walk
Spa

KERSPLAT!

Mini Golf! Always a good laugh! Go somewhere that you can keep a conversation going, I'm not a fan of the cinema for a first date myself but others may disagree.

Good luck

Edit: pitch and putt or bowling would be fun too

Peanut Butter Jelly

Well the mini golf is weather dependent so how does this sound as a back up: Bowling, arcade and then food?

thegreatgonzo

Bowling and food sounds great. I'd say yes anyway!

Tokyo

Peanut Butter Jelly, please take the time to read the Forum Charter, particularly regarding posting etiquette. RI is a tightly moderated forum, and posting links to animated gifs and the like is not permitted.

regards,

Mike

Peanut Butter Jelly

If the weather is good, I'd like to do minigolf, icecream and walk on the beach. All of them are beside eachother so if there's a good day, I hope to get doing it.