Friend spiralling out of control

LegacyUser

Sorry if this post is lacking in detail. I'm too tired to include everything. Any advice given is appreciated though.

Back in October my friend confided in me that she had been raped at a house-party. When she told me she was quite drunk and she had had a particularly nasty run in with a guy in the niteclub we had been in. That's what sparked her to tell me. She said that she was suicidal and had been self-harming ever since (it happened in August). I was genuinely shocked at the time but I had noticed a huge difference in her personality since she had come back to college that September. For one thing she was drinking a lot more and I did wonder was something up.

Over the next few weeks I told her that she didn't have to deal with this alone, that there were people who could help. I said I would go with her to the Rape Crisis Centre if she wished, or book an appointment with the college counsellor or GP but no she wouldn't go. All this time she was just getting worse and worse and worse. Sabotage is the word I would use. Gets up late, misses college, starts drinking, goes out, gets so badly drunk, has slept with a lot of lads. I don't know what to do, I can't get through to her. She doesn't eat much anymore either so she looks like she's on deaths door. A lot of our friends have abandoned her, they all think she's gone mad. I've overheard a lot of lads talking about her too, saying absolutely horrible things. I won't tell anyone because I promised her but she's spiralling out of control. And I do realise it's not her fault.

One particular night before the Christmas holidays after our last college exam she was pretty upset. I advised her to talk to her Mam and Dad when she went home (because they are both v. understanding), go to her GP at home and discuss the best options to deal with the onset of depression, get a note off of him and then go into the retention officer and ask to defer that year. Her parents don't have a lot of money but I have looked into Pieta House and I think the counselling there would be a great option for her. She could use the few months to get a little better and then come back. I had convinced her somewhat but then she came back after Christmas and said that she just couldn't tell her parents because she was ashamed of herself. After that, the cycle repeated itself again.

I'm not looking for links to websites that will help, believe me I know them all. I just need some advice from people who have been in a similar situation/ know what's the best way to go about helping her. It's hard to know what to do at this point.

Tokyo

Hey there OP,

First I'd like to tell you that you are being a wonderful friend in what is no doubt an extremely difficult position to be in.

Before I continue, I'd like to preface this by saying that the following is just my opinion based on what friends that have gone through similar experiences have told me over the years, and is by no means the definitive guide as to what to do. I don't think that any of us could really tell you that, TBH.

As hard as it may be to do, I think that all you can do at this point is to be supportive, as you have been doing. The girl has been through a horribly traumatic experience, and as tempting as it may be to tell her parents, or arrange some form of intervention, your friend needs to be in control over who knows what has happened to her, and how she goes forward with dealing with it. She confided in you because she trusts you.

All you can really do for her is be there for her, and be patient with her. I'm not how much she has discussed the rape with you, but obviously enough for her to tell you that she is ashamed enough not to tell her parents. All you can really to is help her see past the shame and remind her whenever it comes up that what happened wasn't her fault, that she didn't ask for this to happen, not matter what doubts she may have now. Above all, believe what she says. If she sees that one person listens to her story without judgement, doubt or pity, she may believe that others will too.

If she is worried about telling her parents, suggest that you tell them together. Keep talking to her, and encourage her to seek medical attention, as the reality is, she needs to be tested for STD's, particularly if she has been sleeping with guys since.

I know that you haven't come here looking for numbers of support groups, but you too are in a horribly difficult situation OP, and the Rape Crisis Hotline isn't just for the victims of rape. You should call them yourself, as they can advise YOU on how best to help and support your friend.

I wish you the best of luck OP.

alias06

I just want to add to what Mike said. Fair play to you for being such a wonderful friend to this person. My heart goes out to both you and her.

The effects of a rape can be so devastating that the person we once knew becomes unrecognisable as seems to be the case here.

I think you should contact the rape crisis centre and ask them to advise you on how best to help your friend.

Ideally she should confide in her family at some point. She needs all the support she can get.

Very best of luck.

Merkin

You know, I read this thread before bed last night and it actually really upset me, I woke up thinking about it . Your friend sounds totally lost and is obviously going through a whole host of thought processes and emotions that she is obviously unable to cope with.

From reading your post OP, it seems that your friend was teetering on the edge of seeking help until it came to the daunting task of telling her parents. Regardless of how close and supportive they are, I don't think this is the way to go for now. Simply because I think she needs to start maybe processing what happened herself before she takes on the task of telling those closest to her. Right now she is a mess and having to face the despair and anger and confusion of her parents may just be too much to take on right now, especially when she is so messed up about it herself. It may just compound matters.

Incidentally, I think she is absolutely blessed to have a good friend like you, you've got a bit heart.

While she is getting pissed from morning to night she is not going to be thinking straight, it's obviously a coping mechanism which will inevitably lead to a nasty crash and burn so trying to steer her off the booze for now would be a really good first move. The sober clarity of thought that she will have is not going to be pretty either but it should hopefully precipitate the realization that some professional help would really do her some good. It may also prevent her from sleeping around like she has been, something that evidently is not going to be helping her mental health when the poor thing is so very vulnerable.

You also need to assure her that you're not going to be encouraging her to press charges or take it further than she wants to but she does need to talk to someone and it seems like she was close to seeking that help before.

I think a good first step like I say would be to encourage her to knock the booze on the head for a while. Take baby steps at a pace that she is happy with. Would you maybe go to yoga with her too? I know that sounds overly simplistic but I really do believe that being sober and taking part in something like that may help calm her mind a little in the short term.

Finally, the fact that she told you what happened to her means that not only she trusts you but also suggests that she probably is open to help. Just don't rush it. I really hope she gets the help she needs.

Big Bag of Chips

Just to echo what the others have said, you cannot force her to seek help. It sounds like she wants help, but it is going to take time for her to build up to getting it. It would have been a huge step for her to say it out loud to you. Because by telling someone, then it's out there, and she can't untell you, or pretend now that it never happened. For as long as her parents don't know, she can be "normal" at home. Because once they know, they know for the rest of their lives.

The best thing you can do for now is just be there. Talk about it if she wants to. Don't if she doesn't. If she does talk to you, you can suggest contacting places and people. Offer to go with her etc.. all the things you have already been doing.

Try to be normal around her too, though. Don't let this now become the focus of your friendship. You are in a very difficult position, but you are handling it as well as anyone could expect you to. Your friend will see this, and will appreciate it.. even if it doesn't seem that way.

Take Mike's advice and contact the Rape Crisis Centre yourself. Just to have a voice at the other end of the phone to help and reassure you will help.

Your friend is very lucky to have you in her life.

LegacyUser

Reading through all your replies is a great comfort, thank you all so much. I completely forgot to add last night (because I was wrecked) and to be honest it was one of the main reasons I came on here for help - due to the nature of my college course I'm away on work placement for this semester. I'm in a different part of the country to her, more than a two hour drive away. I can't keep an eye on her anymore. The first two weeks back I was in normal college and that was after Christmas when I thought she had told her parents. I presumed she would be getting support from her family at this stage because I wouldn't be there anymore. But that's when she told me she hadn't told them and she just resumed the drinking, not going to college etc. I looked after her as best I could when I was there but I just can't anymore.

I did ring the RCC back in November, I took their advice on board (which was great) but it just didn't seem to work with her. Like a lot of the posts here, they told me if she didn't want to tell her family/ go to a counsellor then having me there as a support source was the best thing for her rather than going through it alone. I know I'm only a phone call or text away but it just always seemed easier for her to talk face to face with me.

Merkin: I really have tried my best to stop her drinking but it's nearly impossible at this stage. The longest I stopped her drinking was a week and half, but she just went back again. Her drinking is what worries me the most.

Tokyo

Hey OP,

as you have pretty much realised yourself, as much as you want to be there for her 24/7, it's not always going to be possible, and you need to look after yourself too, and take care of the things in your life that you need to take care of. All you can really do for her is to be her friend, and be there at the end of a phone line when she needs it. You can continue to speak to her about sharing what happened with somebody and seeking help, and you can speak to her about her drinking and that you are worried about her, but ultimately she has to get through this ordeal herself and seek help when and where she wants to.

Continue to be the friend that you are - it's as much as anybody can really expect from you. And for what it's worth, the RCC isn't a one phone call per person kind of place - feel free to call them back for more support and advice too.

Hey op, while I agree with all the advice so far I'm afraid I'm going to maybe sound a bit harsh now. And thus is purely my opinion, with not much experience.
Your friend needs to be told, honestly, how SHE is now destroying her own life.
Yes, what happened to her was terrible and its going to take a long time to get over it.
But she will never get over it if she doesn't try. If she is the only one that knows, she is the only one that can do anything to help herself.
I'd try to explain to her that by continuing down the route she is going, she is likely to drop out/fail college.
Possibly drink more to cope with that to.
It doesn't take much to see her going downhill fast.

I'd say it to her And spell it out. Its up to her now to take control of her life now.
That guy that raped her did a terrible thing, there's no way she should let it ruin her life.

Emme

bubblypop wrote: »

That guy that raped her did a terrible thing, there's no way she should let it ruin her life.

I know you don't want to interfere but try to tell you friend that she is destroying her life while the guy who raped her is probably enjoying his to the full.

She must contact the Rape Crisis Centre as soon as possible even if it doesn't sit well with her. Rape or even attempted rape can leave serious psychological scars. Could Alcoholics Anonymous help her? I know they do good work but given the trigger for her drinking I'm not sure they could do as much for her as the Rape Crisis Centre.

Look at it this way - every day your friend destroys her life is another day the rapist is violating her.

alias06

bubblypop wrote: »

Hey op, while I agree with all the advice so far I'm afraid I'm going to maybe sound a bit harsh now. And thus is purely my opinion, with not much experience.
Your friend needs to be told, honestly, how SHE is now destroying her own life.
Yes, what happened to her was terrible and its going to take a long time to get over it.
But she will never get over it if she doesn't try. If she is the only one that knows, she is the only one that can do anything to help herself.
I'd try to explain to her that by continuing down the route she is going, she is likely to drop out/fail college.
Possibly drink more to cope with that to.
It doesn't take much to see her going downhill fast.

I'd say it to her And spell it out. Its up to her now to take control of her life now.
That guy that raped her did a terrible thing, there's no way she should let it ruin her life.

I think rather than telling her she is destroying her own life etc. it would be more appropriate to persaude her in a non judgemental way to get help. She can't get over this on her own. And no one should underestimate how hard this is. It sounds like she is genuinely really traumatised and damaged by what happened and is spiralling out of control as the OP said. She is actually trying to cope as best she can - but often in desperate ways like sleeping with lots of guys, drinking a lot etc. The best thing the OP can do is support her friend in getting professional help.

FollatonWood

OP, I can identify with your friends situation so I think I can advise a little.

Firstly, absolutely do not tell her she is ruining her life. Trust me, she already feels like it's ruined and anything negative you say could have dire consequence with her present emotional state. HE ruined her life and he is still ruining it and that is not her fault. The fact that she can't deal with it is normal. She is behaving in a normal way for someone who has undergone trauma. It may not be the best way obviously, but it is not abnormal and nor is it something she is in control of right now.

Give her time. You've given her a few months. It took me 2 years and I'm still dealing with everything. Granted, I sought out help asap but even after that and after being diagnosed with PTSD, I still went through the most hellish period of my life for the next 2 years. Where I am now is a better place than 2 years ago, but it's not a great place. However, I'm still dealing with things and I understand now that it takes time. You need to give her time. You can't make her see someone, she needs to decide for herself.

With regards to help. I wouldn't recommend the RCC based on my own exp, but I know a friend who went to them and it was fine. If she is this traumatised then PTSD is obviously a massive danger and she needs to see a psychologist or psychotherapist educated to MA level or above who is experienced in trauma therapy. If she goes to some dud counsellor who's done a 1 year course it's going to re-traumatise her further. Sometimes, survivors suffer post traumatic stress for a short time only and it doesn't evolve into a long-term disorder - so if she gets the right support soon enough then maybe she'll be lucky. Regardless, only she can make that decision and it's very important you don't take away her sense of control right now.

You sound like a great friend OP, but all you can do now is stand by her, listen to her and try not to judge or be overbearing whilst trying to help. She'll get there, but she needs to get there herself.

LegacyUser

Op I agree wholeheartedly with FollanWood. The "tough love" approach will do more harm than good to your friend. Unfortunately you are in a very difficult position. Until your friend is ready to open up to people and seek help, there is not much you can do apart from continue to support her. The excessive drinking is because she is trying to block out the emotional pain. You and I both know that it is not healthy and is only making her situation worse but unfortunately she is not ready to see this.

I commend you on not breaking her trust. It must be extremely difficult for you to see her friends abandon her and have lads talk about her. There must've been times when you wanted to tell them that it's not her fault and they should be more supportive but you can't. Even if you spoke to someone trustworthy out of concern, you can't guarantee that they wouldn't take matters into their own hands and "helpfully" tell her parents or try to talk to her.

When I was a child, I was sexually abused by a family member. I thought I could handle it but obviously not. When I was old enough to go to nightclubs I started drinking far too heavily. I knew I was drinking too much but I just couldn't stop it. One night, I confided in a friend when I was drunk. She seemed supportive and promised not to tell anyone but it got around. When it got back to me and I realised that my trauma was now general gossip and people were talking about me, it made me feel a million times worse. I already felt sh!t enough about myself and had low self-esteem. I used to ask myself was there something I could have done to stop it or maybe it was my fault somehow. I thought that everyone else was judging me just as harshly as I judged myself and it compounded my emotions and recovery.

I know my situation isn't the same as your friends' but sexual abuse of any type really fcuks a person up. Being violated in that manner messes with you emotionally and psychologically. Having someone that you can trust is vital. I know it's hard for you and there really isn't an easy answer here but the best thing you can do is continue to support your friend. I understand that you are worried now that you are moving to a different part of the country and wonder how your friend will cope. Keep in contact and when she is ready to open up and face her demons, be there for her.

I would also like to say to you that you are a great friend. It's not easy seeing someone self destruct. A lot of people can't handle it and try to "fix" the person. There is no fixing your friend. She has to come to terms with this herself. All you can do is be there for her. Also, take care of yourself. It is a massive burden for you to know what is troubling her but have no power to do anything about it. Don't feel guilty about taking your work placement. As much as you want to support your friend, you also have to live your own life.