Guy messing me around

LegacyUser

About a month ago I started seeing a guy. He was only about 2-3 weeks out of a relationship so I probably should have kept my distance, but I let things proceed anyway.

Anyway, we started meeting up, and he seemed very into me, he would text me a lot, tell me how much he liked me (when he was drunk), and he talked about making me food once he had moved into his new place. Things went on like this for about 2 weeks, we slept together and stuff. He also told me he was falling in love with me, and he hung out with my friends a few times too.

Then I thought he started getting a bit more distant and stuff in text, but then we met up and things were okay. I text him the next day because I just had an odd feeling about everything, asked him what the story was and he said that he didn't want anything serious. I was pretty upset because I felt I'd been led on, and told him so. He said he still really liked me and that he didn't think i would be wasting my time on him. That night I got verrry drunk and made the stupid mistake of going back to his and sleeping with him. When I went home to next day I felt so ashamed of myself for not resisting.

A few days later he texted me asking would I like to hang out and stuff, so I met up with him in college for coffee. It was okay, we got on fine, I didn't mention anything about how I was feeling. When I was leaving he went to kiss me but i just ignored it and turned away. I didn't want to be kissing him and gettting hopes in my head.

I ended up meeting him again yesterday, and despite telling myself over and over "no, bad idea" I went back to his place. I thought maybe I would feel okay after it, but I don't. I am wishing I had a bit more self respect and would stop messing around with him, when it seems he just wants a friend with benefits type situation. Like, he told me he still really likes me, yet was asking me how many guys I scored when I was out the other night in a very very casual way, a way in which someone who actually really liked you wouldn't ask.

So, basically, I don't know what to do. I am torn between hanging out with him as JUST friends, and hoping for some time when he's "ready", bjut I know this would be torture, and I'm scared I would end up going back to his and feeling ashamed all over.

I just can't seem to get the courage to tell him that I can't hang out with him any more. As much as I know this is the best thing I could do for myself, and as crappy as he has been treating me, I still really like him. I have never been in such a situation before, and it's driving me absolutely crazy and its interfering with my college work and everything.

Should I tell him exactly how I'm feeling, or should I just break ties without gushing all this pathetic stuff. I'm scared if I do tell him i don't want to hang out with him, he will convince me otherwise.

It's funny, any time one of my friends has had a similar problem I've always told myself I would never let myself be led on or messed around like that, yet here I am! I'm a complete idiot for this guy.

loalae

Listen, he's told you he doesn't want anything serious. He's also said that he still wants to see you. So he wants a fairly casual relationship with someone who is mad about him where he doesn't have to attempt to fulfil any of her needs. To me that sounds like he's not that into you and he wants your permission to treat you the way he is even though you're not happy about it. Don't give him that permission. Have a few stock excuses to avoid his company and don't be available to "hang out and stuff."

GreeBo

Have to say OP that it really doesnt sound like this guy is "messing you around".

He has said he doesnt want anything serious and, from his point of view, you are ok with that and happy to be almost FWB; otherwise, again from his POV, why would you keep calling over and hanging out/sleeping together?

If you want more than he is willing to give then you have to walk away, he has been honest, albeit maybe a little late in the game, but the continued relationship is on your head imo.

ash23

If you want a relationship then cut your losses and move on from him. He's told you upfront what he is willing to give you and if you accept it, then the only person "messing you around" is yourself.
You'll be selling yourself short if you get into a FWB situation with him and it seems highly unlikely you will stay friends with him without falling into bed regularly.

You're not compatible so don't waste your time.

oscar_mike

Us guys DON'T ask how many people you have been with on a night out because we want to hear details! He is jealous on some level, believe me!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

I guess I just feel like he is still messing me around a bit because he keeps saying when he said he didn't want anything serious he meant he wanted to take things slow. So I guess I was confused over this - either he does or he doesn't want something in my opinion, and he isn't making that clear. Maybe he's just trying to keep me on the hook.

I know it's best for me to not hang out with him any more. It would only drive me up the walls, and god, I've been so unhappy the last few weeks, it's really not worth it at all.

Thank you again for the replies

marykitty47

Hi OP I was in a similar situation a few months ago where my daily life was effected i couldnt sleep, crying etc.The just been friends thing does not work as much as you want it too. You clearly have feelings for this guy so as hard as it is you need to back away or it will slowly drive you insane. The constant what ifs, will he change his mind...I've been through it all. Keeping my distance was so hard at first because we were so close but bit eventually got easier. Don't let this continue any longer you are worth better than this x

IrishEyes19

OP, its only messing around if you were going out and he was cheating, but unfortunately he has made it clear he does not want anything serious. Be kind to yourself and get out of this, you will only get more attached and ultimately hurt in the end of things. Just be straight with the guy. Don't be all dramatic and text him at the dead of night or when out. Either speak to him person or contact him during the day and explain that you want different things to him and wish him well or whatever way you feel like ending it.

It sounds cruel, but you are the maker of your own story here. Its you who are messing yourself around because he is quite happy to have things as they are but you are lying to yourself everytime you meet up, because it goes against what you want with this person.

I just read your post there, OP, he probably said taking it slow afterwards because you kept coming back. You have a pattern here, OP, just as much as this guy does and look a lot of people have been there, myself included, and trust me the end result is awful, you wake up pretty quickly when they find someone else and all of a sudden you aren't as important anymore, realising you werent important enough to be that girl for him. So come on, shake yourself a little here and get that respect back. Cut him loose, be civil about it and save those feelings for the right person.

LegacyUser

Thanks again. The replies have given me perspective.

I think I'm just not gonna text him any more. If he texts me, I will make my excuses, and if needs be explain to him that I don't feel I can hang around with him any longer. I don't think I can meet him in person because I'm not confident that I'd be able to stand my ground.

At this stage I know what he wants and it's just me clinging on to some silly hopes, which is something I never thought I would do. Guess it happens to the best of us!

Thanks again for the replies.

Merkin

I think you're messing yourself around in this situation m'dear.

He has expressly said he does not want to be your boyfriend so every time you sleep with him, you are saying to him that you're ok with casual sex and ok if he goes off and finds himself a girlfriend while he gets his jollies with you. If that is not what you want, and you evidently don't, then you need to put a stop to it.

Human nature is what it is and while you continue to sleep with him after he said he will not commit to you, he is of course going to have his cake and eat it. Why wouldn't he?

Cut him loose. This is obviously making you unhappy and you want more so stand up for what you want - it's not going to be with him.

Stavro Mueller

Someone here once said you should never have to convince someone to go out with you. Never was a truer words spoken. It's hard to accept this when you like someone and they're paying you some sort of attention. To you, the crumbs from the table are an encouraging sign. To them, they're just a means of keeping you reeled in. To be fair the guy has been straight with you..you've been choosing to ignore his words and this has turned into a friends with benefits arrangement. I can't see this ending well. As soon as Miss Right shows up, he'll be dropping you like a hot snot. Guaranteed. You're only keeping the seat warm for the next occupant, so to speak.

beks101

I would never consider getting involved with someone when they are mere weeks out of a relationship.

His behaviour smacks of rebound. Relationships aren't on his radar and you've made it perfectly clear that you're willing to stick around for sh1ts and giggles anyway, despite your protests to the contrary. Of course he's going to take what he can get.

Put a price on yourself. Dont jump into bed with someone who you KNOW can't give you what you want and then complain when he doesn't change. His intentions have been loud and clear - it's you that has been muddying the waters by engaging with him despite knowing that he's not willing to commit.

As human beings sometimes we do that when we're wildly attracted to someone. It takes a bit of discipline and self control to disengage, but it's the kindest thing to do for yourself. If you continue down this road, the headfcuk will continue.