6 months pregnant - cheated on

JW1982

Hello,

I don't even know why i'm writing this but need to get it all off my chest. Sorry it's long!

I currently live in the UK, originally from Ireland but moved over a couple of years ago for work.

I met a man and we began a relationship. About a year into the relationship I found out he cheated on me with his ex and we broke up. He managed to talk his way around me and we got back together about a month later.

In September I found out that I was unexpectedly pregnant. We were both shocked but we agreed to have the baby and to move in together and make a proper go of things as a family.

Throughout he hasn't been all that supportive. Hmming and hawwing about coming to the scans, really wanting it to be a boy (it's a girl), putting me down about weight gain (even though i've only gained 3 pounds) etc etc. He had his good points and was good to me in his own way but the bad really outweighed anything good he did or said.

He likes a drink and to socialise which I had no problem with and presumed he'd cut down when the baby was born. He already has a son that he is fighting through the Courts to see as his ex is witholding access. They broke up whist she was pregnant too but got back together for a few months when the baby was a couple months old. They broke up and since then the relationship has been strained hence why he is now going through the Courts to see his son.

Anyway, on Friday he went out with a friend of his. He text me at 1.45am to say that he was staying in another friends house as he was going to watch the football around his the Saturday afternoon. I wasn't impressed and told him to come home but by this stage he'd turned his phone off.

His phone remained off all of the next day. It hit about 6pm and I started to get concerned. His sister and mum were around ours and were understandably worried as well. We managed to get in touch with the guy he said he was staying with but he said he hadn't seen or heard from him. I then called someone else who would have the number of the friend he went out with the Friday and he said he was still out with him. Unbeknownst to me his sister didn't believe this so went to another room and called him back and asked him to tell the truth. Well the truth was that he had gone out with this friend but when the night was over he met his ex and booked into a Travelodge. At the same time this came to light I got a call from a friend who also saw him getting on the train with this girl an hour before. So not only did he spend the night with her he had also spent the whole day with her and was going out again with her Saturday night. All the while leaving his phone off and having me worried at home about his whereabouts.

This girl and I have a friend in common so we managed to get her number. His sister called her and she denied it to the ground. Said she wasn't with him etc etc, that even if she was with him that she is single and has no obligations. This is a girl who wrote stuff on Facebook and Twitter about me when she found out I was pregnant so knew damn well what the situation was. We eventually told her that when it got to 24 hours of him being missing that we were going to report it to the police and tell them we had 2 people confirming that she was with him and that we'd pass on her number. At this stage she got scared and eventually handed the phone to him - he hung it up.

An hour later he arrives home, I didn't want to be near him so left straight away and went to his mums. I haven't seen or spoken to him since. He was pretty drunk, said he is a robot, he knows he is a c*nt and that it's all because of his dad's sudden death 2 years ago, all of which in my opinion is no excuse. He said he didnt care about that girl and actually was in a strip club with her and that she just tagged along with him. He then just went to sleep and the next day got up and went to a football game and went about his day as normal. His mum went to the apartment that night and tried to speak to him but she said he didn't really say anything. He then spoke to his sister last night and was fishing for my whereabouts but she didn't tell him anything as right now he has no right to know where I am or what i'm doing. I'm just so hurt that he could do such a thing. He told his ex that I tricked him into the pregnancy and that he has no feelings for me. Despite declaring his love for me on a daily basis and begging me to take him back last year. He also told his sister that she means nothing to him and that he wants nothing to do with her however it's now come to light he was ringing and calling her at Xmas whilst I was in Ireland seeing family!

I'm never going to take him back, i've no doubt about that but my heart is broken. I spent 2 days crying and barely eating but now for the sake of the baby i've had to start looking after us both.

I've decided for now to take early maternity leave and come to Ireland to give birth. I want him to have a relationship with his daughter however for now it looks like it's going to be long distance. I'll visit when she's born and go back and forth and at Xmas can make some arrangement because I think we both owe it to her to try to make their relationship work. I feel bad though for taking her away from him but at this stage what am I supposed to do?

I'm also stressed now about moving back to Ireland and not being entitled to anything. I have always worked - since I was 13 and mostly always had 2 jobs so have never had to think about benefits or claiming off the State. I've emailed Social Welfare but if anyone knows how I can go about checking what I can get I would really appreciate it. I don't want to claim forever but for now I have no other option.

Sorry for the long post, it seems like quite the Jeremy Kyle eposide reading over it!

JW1982

Mods just realised I should have posted this in Relationship Issues - can you move it? Thanks.

LegacyUser

It's rare that a thread makes my blood boil, but honestly I am absolutely FUMING reading your post.

He is an utter SCUMBAG. There is no excuse on this planet for his behaviour and the way he treated you. I am actually struggling to believe what he did.

Well listen missus, you seem to already be certain that you wont take him back - good for you. He's a rotten creature and he will only bring you heartache - considering his past escapades with the ex (mother of his first child) I think you would be best off away from him at least for the sake of your pregnancy.

Obviously things are going to be scary for you coming home - but PLEASE, it cannot be as bad as what he just put you through!!

Keep your head up, keep eating for yourself and baba, and keep away from that muppet.

I am still gobsmacked here...

CaraMay

Can you not get paid your maternity benefit while you are in ireland?

I think the move home is the best thing for you. Id let him do the traveling if he wants to see his child as you need to keep every € you do get to help support the baby and yourself.

Sorry this has happened to you.

Tokyo

Sorry to hear about your troubles OP. Normally I try to see if there is hope for a relationship even if somebody has cheated, but in this case the guy seems to be a trainwreck of a human being, who has repeatedly cheated on you and lied to you, and has yet to take responsibility other than to deflect blame onto his father's death. Not often I say this, but you are well rid of him. If he wants to be a part of his child's life, it's up to him to make the effort at this stage.

If you've worked in Ireland and only moved over a couple of years ago, to the best of my knowledge you should still be entitled to Social Welfare back home. I moved back after seven years overseas, and had no trouble signing on while I was looking for work. I can't help you with the maternity benefits side of things though. IF I were you I'd give SW a call and see what they say - they were very helpful on the phone to me when I needed advice.

Merkin

Congratulations on the pregnancy OP.

I would leave your partner and not look back.

As far as I am aware, once you earned the right to maternity pay/benefit, you can still claim this for the duration of your maternity leave, whether you are in Ireland or the UK.

As far as benefits go, I am not sure of your entitlement in Ireland but there is an active State Benefits forum and I am sure if you start a thread there on the issue someone will be able to help you.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=861

I hope everything works out well for you.

JW1982

Thank you all for your replies.

There's so much more I could write about the things he's said and did the last few months. I found flirty messsages to a girl he works with on his phone. We went to a wedding in November and he spent the evening ignoring me and staring at and trying to talk to a girl he had previous relations with.

I just think he's messed up in the head - only last week he surprised me with theatre tickets and took me to the West End for the day. He was drunk on NYE and said how much he loved me and was looking forward to meeting our daughter and about how proud he was of me. I just don't get it!

CaraMay

All you need to know is that he is a self absorbed a-hole who will never be anything other than a mess. That's the second relationship he has cocked up and probably for the same reasons. You had a lucky escape.

ted1

He is a cheat and always will be.

especially if its with an ex as there must still be candle burning there.

Best thing to do is to come back to Ireland and file for maintenance over there.

LegacyUser

Your doing the right thing in ending thing with this man. He seems unwilling to take any responsibility for what has happened, has been saying nasty things to you since you got pregnant and seems quite happy to blame other things on his behaviour.

I think that it is better for you to move back to Ireland as you need support at the moment. When you have a baby it is nice to have family/friends near you even if is just that you have have a hour away to have your hair done.
I would ring the department of social welfare, give them your Irish pps number and explain to them what has happened. I would then say to them that you plan to move back to Ireland and ask them what would they need from one to process a payment once you come back to Ireland.

From what I know you will need prof of address in England, your national insurance number, letter from a landlord saying you are no long living at your english address and I would look at getting a letter from you bank saying you have closed your uk bank account.
The reason the department of social welfare will look for this to establish you have moved back to Ireland, you have no ties any longer to the uk and also the stamps you have paid in England should enable you to claim here. See if you could get any of these sent to your Irish address to confirm you are living there.

My feeling is that you will have to apply for an unemployment payment and once you have the baby you will then apply for single parents allowance.
Also once you move back from the uk I would contact revenue in England as you may be entitled to some tax back from them.
I hope that this helps you out and that your move back to Ireland will work out well for you.

macplato

OP, don't think you are not entitled to anything in Ireland. You have Irish nationality, and you have worked in Ireland previously so there is no waiting period of 2 years before you can claim benefits. Since the UK is part of the EU, the time you worked there, will be looked at as if you worked in Ireland (or any other European state).

You will have to fill in some forms, give details of your employment and possibly provide some proof of your employment in the UK (copy of your contracts will do).

Contact the Department of Social Protection and they will explain everything to you in detail. Don't worry though, you won't be left with nothing.

Witchie

Firstly congrats on the new life growing inside you. This baby will be worth all the hassles.

Well done on being such a strong woman and knowing that you won't put up with that kinda crap. As others have said it is great that you are coming home because there is nothing like having good family and friends around you when trying to raise a baby on your own.

Best of luck. x

Hi op, I think you have definatly done the right thing in coming home. You need to get right away from this loser.
Also, I'm sure you will be entitled to some help here.

Oh, and I hate to say this but, I think you should prepare yourself for the chance that he may not make much of an effort to see his child. Just a possibility based on what I have read.

missjm

Definitely come home. Do not hesitate. I've been in your situation but without the pregnancy and it was tough enough even then. What he has done is unforgivable and that behaviour won't change. I moved to UK for my guy and from the minute he got me there he started behaving bad. Eventually 10k down from him sponging off me, many sleepless nights, mysterious texts and him blowing all his money up his nose and in strip clubs- I moved home and it was the best decision I ever made.
You can't stay in a situation like that, it's not good for you and won't be good for the child.
I wish you the very best of luck.

Boombastic

JW1982 wrote: »

Thank you all for your replies.

There's so much more I could write about the things he's said and did the last few months. I found flirty messsages to a girl he works with on his phone. We went to a wedding in November and he spent the evening ignoring me and staring at and trying to talk to a girl he had previous relations with.

I just think he's messed up in the head - only last week he surprised me with theatre tickets and took me to the West End for the day. He was drunk on NYE and said how much he loved me and was looking forward to meeting our daughter and about how proud he was of me. I just don't get it!

You do get it- he's full of sh1t

Good luck

JW1982

Bit of an update. I sent him an email on Thursday evening and he was in the pub (seen by a friend). It basically outlined what i thought of the situation without being insulted and telling him what I plan to do in the last 3 months of my pregnancy and what I expect of him both emotionally and financially.

He replied basically saying 'saw your email, sounds like you got it all worked out'. This pi**ed me off no end and I sent him a choice reply. He then replied saying he knew he f**ked up and he'd say sorry but he knows it's pointless and that he will never say a bad word against me. We sent a couple of texts back and forth and left it at that.

I then went away for the weekend with his family and began having doubts about moving back to Ireland so I text him and asked him what he wanted me to do. I got 2 word answers from him basically saying it's up to me and whatever is easiest for me. I told him i'd like to stay in the UK but my only housing option for now is a single mothers hostel so I feel i've no other option but to go home. His reply 'ok'. Any other sort of man would have offered to help (he's minted) or at least tried to sort out an alternative. I don't want a penny of his money however to not even offer to help both me and the baby is just beyond me. He's no fight in him at all - I give up..

LegacyUser

Hey OP

I'm sorry I really don't know what else to say but that I think he is a waster I honestly don't think he will change the way he is for anyone.

I feel awful saying that to you because you must feel horrible about it all, but I have to be totally honest here and say that you and your child would be better off making a life for yourselves without him in the equation.

He doesnt seem to care. Even your first post how he belittles you (weight gain, wanting baby to be a boy etc) that is not someone who you would want by your side throughout this time.

It seems his family have been better for you than he has.

Really sorry, hate writing negatively but I cannot see any positive in this man at all

gg2

Your situation is heartbreaking OP. I bet you'll be glad in time that he didn't fight for you, he doesn't sound like he's capable of being anything but an ass. The day will come when you explain to your daughter what happened between you and her dad, and she is going to be so proud of you for being so strong. Best of luck with everything..x

Oryx

I don't want a penny of his money

For the sake of your child, you need to change this attitude. It is not greedy to get him to pay his way. Its his child too.

JW1982

Sorry I phrased that wrong. I meant I didn't want his help with a deposit for housing, i've my own money for that but I just wanted to see if he would offer.

In the email I sent him I outlined what I expected financially from him both before and after the birth and i've already opened an account that he can pay into seperately from my own personal account in order for me to prove if I ever have to that all of his money goes on our daughter. I plan on getting what i'm entitled to, he's gotten away with enough, he won't get away with financially providing for his daughter! I just hope he does the right thing in this regard but anything goes with at this stage.

JW1982

Another update.

I spoke to a family friend this weekend who spoken to him last week after he had had a few drinks. He said he didn't want another baby as he feels guilty that he doesn't have his son in his life and all he wants is his son.

I just dont get it as 2 days later he was telling me that he cared even if I didn't think he did after I text him letting him have it for everything he's done. He also used to constantly rub and kiss my bump and talk about baby names, after the baby was born etc etc, not the actions of someone who didn't want to be involved!

I don't understand him, I truly give up.

CaraMay

He is full of waffle. That's all you need to know. He says what he thinks people want to hear.

Merkin

Rubbing your bump and being all lovely dovey is totally disingenuous given the appalling way he has been to you.

Don't drag this sorry mess out any longer, it has been protracted enough as it is. It's not good for you or for your unborn little one. I'd be cutting my losses and returning to Ireland if I were you.

JW1982

Rubbing my bump etc was before all this happened when we were still together, i haven't seen him since this all happened. In fact, haven't heard from him since last Tuesday.

He has a son he doesn't see and is fighting through the Courts for access and he's now blaming that on not wanting to be involved - i.e. 'afraid' of losing another child which I have always assurred him wouldn't happen.

I'm leaving for Ireland in 2 weeks, can't come quick enough.

Merkin

JW1982 wrote: »

I'm leaving for Ireland in 2 weeks, can't come quick enough.

Good, you're well rid.