Dont look forward to seeing husband

LegacyUser

Hi,

I am with my husband with close on 12 years. We have a child together.

Recently Ive found that Im some days almost dreading my husband coming home from work, I am a stay at home mam. I was made redundant last year.

The last few months have been very difficult with my husband, the only thing he seems to have an interest in is his computer, I have become the invisible woman, I become visible if the dinner is not made or our son needs something. When my husband does interact with me he corrects trivial things that I say and tends to disagree even if I said its cold today he would say no your wrong its warm. He also watches sometimes when Im reading with our son and corrects me or makes jokes at my expense. The norm now tends to be he asks and asks when am I going to bed, he then stays up on the computer.

I have actually started to not really speak much at home because I don't want to be corrected or for him to look at me like I am an idiot which he tends to do.

I don't know maybe all marriages go through patches like this? I haven't spoken to him about it because I just know he will blame everything on me and I will end up apologising again as I always do. Its just not a nice feeling when it seems as though he is only happy when I am on a downer but the minute I am feeling good he will correct me or just look at me like I am nothing and this really puts be back in an unhappy mindframe.

Merkin

I would find the asking repeatedly when you are going to bed as very odd - what exactly is he up to on the computer that he is so anxious for you to be out of the way? Do you think he could be cheating or in touch with other women?

It certainly sounds like there is great big chasm between you and you're not communicating at all. Do you still love him? Do you want it to work?

He seems to be absorbed in an online world that's more important than you. You need to ask him about that, because he's being a complete bully picking on you all the time.

I'm not surprised you don't look forward to seeing him, he's being quite abusive.

gerrybbadd

Its bullying is what this is. The computer thing is a worry. Maybe he has a porn addiction?

alias06

Anonymously wrote: »

Hi,

I am with my husband with close on 12 years. We have a child together.

Recently Ive found that Im some days almost dreading my husband coming home from work, I am a stay at home mam. I was made redundant last year.

The last few months have been very difficult with my husband, the only thing he seems to have an interest in is his computer, I have become the invisible woman, I become visible if the dinner is not made or our son needs something. When my husband does interact with me he corrects trivial things that I say and tends to disagree even if I said its cold today he would say no your wrong its warm. He also watches sometimes when Im reading with our son and corrects me or makes jokes at my expense. The norm now tends to be he asks and asks when am I going to bed, he then stays up on the computer.

I have actually started to not really speak much at home because I don't want to be corrected or for him to look at me like I am an idiot which he tends to do.

I don't know maybe all marriages go through patches like this? I haven't spoken to him about it because I just know he will blame everything on me and I will end up apologising again as I always do. Its just not a nice feeling when it seems as though he is only happy when I am on a downer but the minute I am feeling good he will correct me or just look at me like I am nothing and this really puts be back in an unhappy mindframe.

Sounds like the relationship is already dead and he resents you for being married to him. He's being majorly passive aggressive. He is critical of you and keeping you down. And he is surely up to something dodgy on the computer late at night after you have gone to bed. Hard to see a way back from this to be honest.

Tokyo

Hey there OP,

Sorry to hear what's going on in your life - it sounds like you have taken quite the knock in the past while, with being made redundant, and your husband's treatment of you.

I'm not trying to deflect blame form your husband here but have you considered that your redundancy may be a factor in how you feel? I've come back to Ireland recently myself, and am looking for work, and it's quite a blow to the ego to have to face into it on a daily basis. Some of my friends are in the same situation, and have experienced every emotion from rejection to worry, to loss of self esteem. In a lot of ways, these emotions come across in your post. I don't doubt that your husband’s behaviour is causing you to feel invisible, insignificant, and rejected, but you may also want to take a look at how you treat yourself and what you believe about yourself too. Your husband's actions can make you feel sad and angry, sure - but those emotions will be ten times stronger if you are already down on yourself.

Anyhow, on to your husband. From what you say, your feelings of loneliness and being invisible are, sad to say, legitimate. In a lot of ways your husband has opted out of his marriage - he spends little enough time with you, spends most of his time online instead, and more importantly, puts no effort into any form of being with you at all. I can't speculate why he might ask you constantly if you are going to bed - there are a multitude of innocent and not-so-innocent reasons for this, but from what you say, he has changed, how he treats you is wrong, and that needs to be discussed.

Its obvious that you don't like confrontation. But confrontation has to be better than being invisible. And it doesn't have to be nasty. It's quite possible that you need counseling, that you have been more depressed than you realise, perhaps both of you do, but first you need to talk to your husband, and say it like it is. And ask for a real response.

m'lady

You poor thing, it's an awful situation you are in.. No OP most marriages don't go through this, and it's really not the 'norm'. I echo what others have said and be concerned about what exactly he's up to on the computer, warming bells rang out to me also . He sounds like a frustrated bully and it's unfair on you and your son too, I'd be sitting him down and showing him exactly what you wrote here.

I've been where you are to a certain point, ex permanently at his laptop, guarded with his mobile and staying up till all hours at said laptop. While he wasn't a bully like your husband, he hurt me badly.
I'm a lot happier now and have met the person I want to spend my life with, who I can use his phone/laptop if necessary, and not be left lying in bed while he's online.

OP if your not happy you need to tell him and if that fails to work then I'd seriously suggest you think about your options. Do you want your son picking up his bullying attitude?, of course you don't. My heart really does go out to you, do you have a good friend you can confide in?

Czarcasm

Anonymously wrote: »

I don't know maybe all marriages go through patches like this? I haven't spoken to him about it because I just know he will blame everything on me and I will end up apologising again as I always do. Its just not a nice feeling when it seems as though he is only happy when I am on a downer but the minute I am feeling good he will correct me or just look at me like I am nothing and this really puts be back in an unhappy mindframe.

OP nothing at all will change if you continue to remain silent. You NEED to pull him up on his behaviour and how he's treating you. As alias said he may very well be resentful of the fact that he is now financially supporting three of you and that's not how he planned things working out.

You need to think back on when his behaviour became evident, and then look back on signs you may have missed, because I can guarantee you his passive aggressive behaviour didn't just come out of the blue. There had to be a trigger, whether it was the birth of your child changed his plans or whether it was your redundancy and the fact that you're now a stay at home mother.

What I'm getting at is that you need to find the point in your relationship where communication started to break down, and then approach him and make it clear to him that the situation cannot continue, and if there's something on his chest, he needs to talk to you and get things out in the open.

The chances are he doesn't look forward to coming home either and there's a lot of tension bubbling beneath the surface, and his passive aggressive manner combined with the fact that he's effectively closed himself off from you means that it's going to get to breaking point eventually if neither of you are prepared to communicate your frustration to each other.

If your husband isn't prepared to do that much, then it may be time to explore other alternatives before you are physically and mentally drained and find yourself incapable of coming back from this, then letting yourself settle for being treated this way by your husband for the sake of keeping the "peace" between you both.

anamara86

Hi OP, hope you're ok, that sounds like a really toxic situation.

Communication really is key here - stand up for yourself and don't let him talk you down. Mocking you whilst reading to your child is a horrible thing to do, it's actually very passive aggressive. The longer you put up with it, the more you'll lose your voice, and the more all those put-downs will chip away at your confidence. Maybe write down exactly what you want to say and tell him how you feel.

Best of luck.

eviltwin

Was he always like this OP or is it since you lost your job? Do you think maybe part of it is resentment at you for not working, maybe he feels the pressure of being the sole earner and thinks you have the better end of the deal?

I wouldn't put up with his abuse though, no excuse for that in front of your kids. Pull him up on that and ask him to respect you. Find out what it is that is making him want to look at the computer so much. Perhaps a bit of counselling might help, if he is not open to it then consider it yourself. It might help you get a bit of your confidence back and help you address the problems.

stickybookmark

Anonymously wrote: »

The norm now tends to be he asks and asks when am I going to bed, he then stays up on the computer.

OP, this is terrible So sorry to hear that your marriage has ended up like this. The only reason a husband should be asking his wife what time she's going to bed is coz he wants to join her hoping for a cuddle or a bit of action.

Asking you when you're going to bed in order to hurry you up and get rid of you so he can do whatever it is he does on the laptop in peace is absolutely awful and unacceptable! You should not put up with this!!
Next time he asks you turn around and ask him why does he want to know? And keep doing that in future until he stops asking you this question out of embarrassment.
And if he corrects you while reading with your child, why don't you reply by saying ''Do you want to take over then?'' and keep doing that everytime it happens. He will stop eventually.

The internet addiction is something that sadly, we're all becoming guilty of in the modern world. This came up recently with my husband, I found that oftentimes we end up in bed talking for up to an hour, and then we're wrecked tired for work in the morning. I realised after a while the reason this happens is because when we're in bed with the lights out, is the only time we can't possibly be distracted by the internet and hence the only time we give each other undivided attention and actually discuss the stuff that needs to be discussed. So I pointed this out to him and suggested we start having a few ''screen free'' evenings per week. We are starting off with 1 evening per week - no internet. Telly/watching a film is ok coz that is a communal activity but internet surfing is a solitary activity. I think it's one of the perils of modern life unfortunately, after sitting in front of a computer all day, we come home and sit in front of our laptops. Our parents didn't have this distraction in their marriages - they actually sat around talking to each other alot more than we do these days! Something we all need to work on I think. How would you husband react if you suggested an internet-free evening per week?

LegacyUser

What a horrible situation to be in. I can understand why you don't want to see you husband home from work each day when your been ignored or if he decides to talk to you he is just making sniping remarks. I would not be to impressed either with the fact the computer is more important than you.

I would also do the following
Get someone you know to mind the computer for a few nights.
Get someone to mind your child some evening/night and be on your own when you husband comes in from work.
When your husband comes in from work I would tell him that you want to have a chat with him over your dinner. I would ask him why is ignoring you every evening for the computer?
I would ask him are you looking at porn, for another woman or are you gambling every night on the computer?
I would also ask him why your invisible woman unless he notices the dinner is not ready or has some smart comment to make at your expense.
He may be unhappy with the fact you are not working, as a couple you don't have as much spending money ect but you both need to talk as adults about things.
Also if you are married 12 years your child could be old enough to know that things are not great between Mammy and Daddy which is unfair on them also.

He may not want to talk and walk off to the computer but you can give him the good news that the computer is not there so he has no choice but to talk to you.

Once you have this chat with him I would not put up with been ignored or with the smart comments. I would start to make a smart comment for each one he gives you.

If his still continues with this I would bring the computer to someone who knows about computers and IT. I would tell them that the computer seems very slow and you want to know what it is been used for. Your husband may be deleting things as he goes along but even doing this does not remove it fully from the memory.

December2012

I dunno, I think the situation is more sad than abusive. It sounds like the two of you don't know how to get along any more.

If I were you I would make an appointment with a marriage counsellor to discuss your relationship.