First Date, Nerves & Not Making a Tit of Oneself

LegacyUser

Hey all,

Kinda need to go annoy on this one(Too Many People Know Me on Here )

So I have a first date sorted in principle with a girl, firstly some background.

I'm 26 and my own background is one that is devoid of any sort of relationships. I've never had a proper date, I was seeing a girl before, but that was just drinking and sex before I left the country a few years back(She knew the situation before anything started and was fine with that, in hindsight not my proudest moment). I've never had a girlfriend, I was with a girl before and we'd arranged to go on a date but it never materialized, this not being the first time of this happening. As a result I'm terrified to open up and in most cases take a chance with women. But last weekend managed to do with the help of some dutch courage and I kissed this girl I've fancied for a few months and I'd be considering doing it for a while.

Now, here is a fun part...We work together(I know I've made a big mistake is what your going to tell me) But in my life thus far I've had way too many regrets with letting my fears get in my way. We have arrange in principle to go on a date next week, has she can't find anyone to mind her daughter this week. She has openly stated her apprehension as we do work together and i can totally understand that, and she was very forthcoming about this, but has said that she does want to go on a date with me...

One part of me is full of fear that she will take that apprehension into the date and it will sabotage the date before it gets started, or that I'll make a complete tit of myself as I'll be very much out of my comfort zone as this is an actual date...

Now on advice for the date itself, I was thinking either a few quiet drinks or maybe dinner, we can chat and get to know each other better, but as we work together I know a bit already and don't know how much is appropriate to ask on a first date...

I'm just kinda lost to be honest and I've got no friends who understand my fears or who have all of the above about to offer good advice, as I'm not very open about this stuff, and stuff in general which is something I've been able to do a little bit with this girl when we've been exchanging texts...

Help me boardies

Tokyo

Hey OP,

believe it or not, the things that you are worrying about the most actually put you ahead of the game, not on the back foot. You've kissed, and the girl has explicitly said that she wants to go on a date with you, and on top of that, you already know a certain amount about her, so you have a basis on which to ask questions about her life. Seems good to me.

happydude82 wrote: »

One part of me is full of fear that she will take that apprehension into the date and it will sabotage the date before it gets started, or that I'll make a complete tit of myself as I'll be very much out of my comfort zone as this is an actual date...

First off, you're going on a date with her, not stepping up to the altar. So try not to dwell on it too much. Seeing as you have a comfort zone, try to stay within it - don't try to overreach because you saw on TV that you have to act a a certain way on a date, or you have to say certain things. The girl has met you before at work, and has agreed to a date, which means she likes you for who you are. Don't try to change that - just be yourself.

Now on advice for the date itself, I was thinking either a few quiet drinks or maybe dinner, we can chat and get to know each other better, but as we work together I know a bit already and don't know how much is appropriate to ask on a first date...

Your plan seems solid. You don't have to commit to the "drinks AND dinner" plan from the get-go, if you don't want - meet for the drinks first, and if all is going good you can suggest grabbing a bite to eat somewhere. As for what you talk about, well, stay away from the work stuff - no doubt she'll have had enough of that all day. I don't have a history on the girl, so you'll have to improvise somewhat, but be natural, and give the girl a chance to talk about herself.

If she's not originally from there, you can ask her what brought her to that city, why she got into that line of work, what she does as a hobby when she's not working, what she does at the weekends, what kind of music she's into, her family, if she has siblings, etc etc. The big one to talk about is her daughter, maybe stay away from "tell me about the daddy" kind of questions, but certainly how old she is, if she's a handful to take care of, when will she be going to school, etc etc. These are just suggestions, there are a million other things you can talk about, but, pretty much, just be yourself.

It'll all be good OP - enjoy the date.

Merkin

Wow, I think you're off to a great start!:) You've already enjoyed a snog and she has articulated that she does want to go on a date with you - great!

Easier said than done I know, but you need to try and relax. Don't plan conversation topics too much or what you are going to do. Suggest a few drinks and then if you fancy it maybe a bite to eat. It can be nice walking around town deciding together what you both fancy and looking at menus together. Personally I think something like tapas is good for a date - informal and inclusive and you get to know a little bit about the other person when discussing choices etc. And of course a few glasses of vino should help relax you and get the conversation going too.

Don't be so hung up either on not having had a relationship, you're just a late bloomer. This has no bearing on how women perceive you. Don't let this knock your confidence, you're already off to a great start.

Likewise, don't entertain conversations about how dating would impact your working relationship - that really is a case of putting the cart before the horse. You're two people going out for a drink and getting to know one another better - that's all. Avoid having any kind of heavy conversations like that at this early stage.

Most of all enjoy it. You mention in your post that you have a date arranged "in principle" so if I were you, and to show you mean business, I would start firming up the details soon of what day and where you will meet. Above all I hope you have a wonderful time - I have a feeling you will and afterwards you'll be wondering why you were even worried

LegacyUser

Cheers for some solid advice feeling less nervous already. With regards to setting date and place soon to show I mean business is kind of out of my hands, I told her to get back to me with the day that suits her with regards to having a sitter for her daughter

LegacyUser

I would follow the advice here. Let her come back and tell you what night suits her.
When you meet her go for drinks and see what happens from there.
If your are going for drinks have some soft drinks as being drunk does not impress a girl.
Also doing this will stop you from saying or doing something to embarrass yourself or her.
Keep the conversation general and don't ask her why are you not with the father of her child as he may have done a runner, been the pubs best customer ect.

I would also tell you that you may think that other guys you know have a load of experience but they could be telling you a pack of lies.
I have to be honest most people don't want to get involved long term with people who have seen more action than a porn star.
Also relationships require give and take and some times the smallest things can mean a lot to another person.
Good luck and let us know how it goes

LegacyUser

Also relationships require give and take and some times the smallest things can mean a lot to another person

Sorry but this sentence just seemed a little out of the blow and not sure in what context it was meant, i know any sort of relationship requires compromise to a certain extent on both sides in cases...It just throw me a little reading it...I'm not the only thinking it seemed a little out of the blue?

aca2801

i swear upon reading your inital entry, i am like the female version of you & I can totally relate but look be yourself, she clearly already likes you and hope it goes well. Dont dwell on the past. Let us know how it goes(",)

bee06

Loads of great advice on the actual date already but on the working together thing don't stress about it. Loads of people meet boyfriends/girlfriends at work including me. It's kinda the same as dating a friend … you have some common ground to build on and you know she knows you already so she must like what she knows if she is going out with you.

LegacyUser

So just got a text from a mate asking did I get any word back yet, so I replied and said no not yet.(we last texted Monday night, on big deal here until)To which he replied "Jesus man it's been a long time since she said she'd get back you"(she never gave me a timeframe for getting to me) To which I start to panic and send him a text only to realise he was talking about something totally different, as I've not told this mate about the girl...

I really need to grow the duck up and grow some balls and get some patience, but my text back to him confused him a lot so I'll let him be confused a little longer ha ha

LegacyUser

No word back yet, should I be worrying even a little?

In the past I'd be in a panic if I didn't get a text back within 20 minutes, so this is a sign I've grown...but not by much :P

Tokyo

Ignore your friend, he's just putting unnecessary pressure on you because he wants the gossip, basically. She said that she would get back to you, so take her at her word. By your own admission, she has a daughter that requires a sitter, (not to mention a host of other things), and that has to come first. And can take more time than you think.

You've asked her out - that's where your responsibility ends, so leave her be. There's nothing more offputting than a person asking you out, then getting back to you a few days later along the lines of "I haven't heard form you... have you picked somewhere yet? huh? huh?"

LegacyUser

@mike_ie thats what I was thinking, but the fact that there has been no texting over the week is probably whats got me worrying i suppose

LegacyUser

So go into work this morning and she is work(was supposed to be off) so a little surprised. First time I've seen her sense I asked her out and it seems fairly normal from both sides, take that as a good sign, having a bit of a laugh and joke but no mention of date, but assume cause its work it'll not be talked about, even tho it's mainly just been to two of us working today.

Bet my friends are glad I'm using here to get my worries off my chest and vent:-P

CaraMay

happydude82 wrote: »

So go into work this morning and she is work(was supposed to be off) so a little surprised. First time I've seen her sense I asked her out and it seems fairly normal from both sides, take that as a good sign, having a bit of a laugh and joke but no mention of date, but assume cause its work it'll not be talked about, even tho it's mainly just been to two of us working today.

Bet my friends are glad I'm using here to get my worries off my chest and vent:-P

You asked her out on Monday and she hasn't responded to you yet? How rude.

Don't even consider asking her out again. I suspect she isn't interested but doesn't want to come out straight and say it. If she were, she would have responded by now. Sorry op

LegacyUser

Cheers caramay, that's what I was thinking, but I did give her a get out when I did originally ask her her out. but I am certainly thinking nothing is going to come from this, and this is the second time I've had a girl agree to a date and for nothing to happen. but i can alkways dream...

Would love to know what is wrong with me...sure that's another discussion for another day

LegacyUser

Just wondering should I just ask her what day suits next week in a casual off the cuff way?

happydude82

happydude82 wrote: »

Would love to know what is wrong with me...sure that's another discussion for another day

The only thing that's wrong with you is that you haven't met the one you click with yet, and she hasn't met you. It'll come from both sides when you least expect it.

Sorry you've been disappointed

LegacyUser

well she just hasn't said nothing really, I'm just wondering if I were to ask her if she was still on for next week in a next would it be very needy/pushy?

Tasden

Just wanted to say that sometimes arranging a sitter can take a while so maybe that's what is taking her so long, although I would always send a text explaining this was the issue if I was having hassle arranging a sitter. If she is working especially then she may be calling on family a lot to look after the child so asking them to mind the child while she goes out as well may be too much.

This may not be the issue but if it is then its something you're going to have to get used to I'm afraid, its not as simple as arranging a date that suits you and her, you've to factor in the child and their minder too. Having said that she should be communicating with you and explaining to you if it is down to arrangements etc.

LegacyUser

Just a little update, we were texting a little today while i was working and she asked if i still wanted to do something this week, I was left confused, but agreed to meet for a drink thursday after work...

After the long wait and with my own lack of self confidence i'm going into this with the attitude that we're just going for a drink and if nothing else it should be a little fun, not expecting anymore out of it, probably more relaxed about it as in the back of my mind its going nowhere, so i'll probably not put too much excess pressure on myslf...If anything else i'll pop my first date cherry:)

Merkin

Yay!! Have a great time!

LegacyUser

So much for not being nervous...meeting her in a few and pretty darn nervous now

Tokyo

You'll be fine. Just remember that you have to buy the dozen or so people in this thread a pint when it all works out

Enjoy the night!

LegacyUser

So back from my date at 8.50 this morning,

Date started off well we were chatting and having a bit of a laugh, then went back to hers had a few more drinks and kiss, and kissed some more, got a little hot but no sex of any sort, which I can took off the table myself(to which she was surprised and couldn't believe how gentlemany i was). People are going to be like why take sex off the table... 2 reasons;

Reason 1: I've ruined a lot of relationships with sex before they even started

Reason 2: We were both a little tipsy, so not a smart move

So we just kissed a lot and curled up in bed together, which is the kind of thing I miss as opposed to sex...

Then this morning wake up and kissed a little more before I'd to leave for work...

If I'd to rate my night, probably give it a 7.5/8 out of ten...

Now how to approach a second date, something devoid of drink me thinks

Tokyo

OP, glad that your date went so well! Hate to say "I told you so", but...

Mod hat off here for a minute, lest this be mistaken for a mod instruction.....

People on the forums will always be glad to help you and to give you advice, but at some stage you are going to stand up on your own two feet and choose for yourself where you want to take this girl for a second date, and a third date, and a fourth, etc. At the end of the day, she wants to be with you and to spend time with you, not with what the general consensus here thinks she wants. And despite your own doubts and apprehension, everything that you have done so far has worked out just great, as evidenced by the turn of events last night. Your gut instincts have gotten you a 7.5/8 out of 10 first date, which is pretty high on the scale in my estimation, so why not run with your gut instinct again? You know the girl better than any of us?!

So... do you have any ideas of where you would like to take her on a date next???

LegacyUser

mike_ie wrote: »

OP, glad that your date went so well! Hate to say "I told you so", but...

Mod hat off here for a minute, lest this be mistaken for a mod instruction.....

People on the forums will always be glad to help you and to give you advice, but at some stage you are going to stand up on your own two feet and choose for yourself where you want to take this girl for a second date, and a third date, and a fourth, etc. At the end of the day, she wants to be with you and to spend time with you, not with what the general consensus here thinks she wants. And despite your own doubts and apprehension, everything that you have done so far has worked out just great, as evidenced by the turn of events last night. Your gut instincts have gotten you a 7.5/8 out of 10 first date, which is pretty high on the scale in my estimation, so why not run with your gut instinct again? You know the girl better than any of us?!

So... do you have any ideas of where you would like to take her on a date next???

Oh sorry I wasn't looking for ideas for dates more so advice on when is an appropriate amount of time before I ask her, despite everything I still her a little hard to read, she said something along the lines "that she forfeited the right for a relationship when she had her daughter"
When put with everything else just confuses me

LegacyUser

So was chatting to her earler via facebook, and asked if she wanted to do something next time she's free, replied with a yes

Think i'll leave it at that, may post an update when we get married