My son: everyone is "beautiful!!" please read!!

Howyahorse

I have heard my son, who just turned 5, tell his female friends (of same age) "you're beautiful!" I thought this was harmless as I often tell him he's beautiful and figured he was just copying..

BUT, he told me today he told his teacher and classroom assistant this. The teacher told him not to say that anymore. I'm guessing he must have said it on more than one occasion for her to ask him to stop.

I know it's a compliment but I can see his teachers side of view that it must be disturbing.
Is this harmless or why does he feel the need to tell this to females he gets familiar with?
Am I reading too much into it now or should I be worried there's some sort of psychology issue behind it??
Comments please and thank you!

December2012

It's a bit superficial, even though it's a compliment.

It's not good for girls to be complimented solely by some people on their appearance and that may be the concern that the teachers have.

Howyahorse

it's not just on looks though.
he has told all close female friends (3-4 girls; friends children) and cousins they are beautiful.
now im confused

Lisha

I don't think the teacher finds it 'disturbing' but it is inappropriate.
Maybe tell him to only say it to family .

My 6yr old had homework that I'm guessing was part of the stay safe program. He had to say who he would say hi to, who he would hug, and who he would shake hands with.
So it shows that hugs are only for family and say hi to friends.
Maybe gently tell him the difference between family and friends and teachers.

Your little boy sounds gorgeous by the way. Enjoy him and don't feel bad. It's great to teach a boy how to show emotions and feelings.

Best of luck

Moonbeam

Maybe ask the teacher at the next parent teacher meeting.
I would not judge it as being superficial and would not think that a 5 year old was judging people by their looks more that he knows it is a nice thing to say and he likes them so he is trying to compliment them.

sawdoubters

https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/2488220-everyone-is-beautiful

Lisha

Howyahorse wrote: »

it's not just on looks though.
he has told all close female friends (3-4 girls; friends children) and cousins they are beautiful.
now im confused

I think he means 'beautiful' in the lovely sense not just on looks.
It's just part of his language . Maybe give him other words to use. And explain that beauty is really on the inside. But from what you've said he uses 'beautiful' as a compliment when happy with the company he is in.

Howyahorse

I probably should have added that.
He is a very emotional little boy and is great at letting his feelings be known.

He knows nothing other than pure love and affection so I think you're right; I should teach him who we show our affections to. That is a very helpful suggestion, thank you!

zoomaway

Howyahorse wrote: »

I have heard my son, who just turned 5, tell his female friends (of same age) "you're beautiful!" I thought this was harmless as I often tell him he's beautiful and figured he was just copying..

BUT, he told me today he told his teacher and classroom assistant this. The teacher told him not to say that anymore. I'm guessing he must have said it on more than one occasion for her to ask him to stop.

I know it's a compliment but I can see his teachers side of view that it must be disturbing.
Is this harmless or why does he feel the need to tell this to females he gets familiar with?
Am I reading too much into it now or should I be worried there's some sort of psychology issue behind it??
Comments please and thank you!

Really surprised that the teacher pulled him up on that. He sounds like a sweet affectionate little boy.Don't really know what to say. Maybe it is the times that we live in and being careful around strangers and the stay safe and such. I am a parent to a little one myself but haven't had that situation yet.

Victor

Lisha wrote: »

I think he means 'beautiful' in the lovely sense not just on looks.
It's just part of his language . Maybe give him other words to use. And explain that beauty is really on the inside. But from what you've said he uses 'beautiful' as a compliment when happy with the company he is in.

I agree. He is using the language he is used to.

I think add in more, different words, not just to describe things physically, but also actions and behaviours.

How Strange

I'm also kind of surprised at the teacher. Surely she could've taken the time to talk to him and see why he uses that word and give him other words to use.

I definitely agree with the other posters who said give him other words.

I think it's kind of sad that a 5 year old is being told that words like beautiful are inappropriate.

Ms2011

How Strange wrote: »

I'm also kind of surprised at the teacher. Surely she could've taken the time to talk to him and see why he uses that word and give him other words to use.

I definitely agree with the other posters who said give him other words.

I think it's kind of sad that a 5 year old is being told that words like beautiful are inappropriate.

Completely ageee, I think the OP's post is one of the saddest things I've read in awhile.
What has the world come to when we correct a small child for calling someone beautiful, shame on that teacher.

December2012

I disagree that it's sad. Fact is it's a very easy trap to fall into - complimenting them using superficial words. Far better for everybody to use words like friendly, funny, clever, kind, than cute, beautiful, etc.

eviltwin

Another case of an adult projecting a grown up meaning of a word onto a child. My son is 4 and would call everyone from me to the dog beautiful and lovely, he doesn't know what it means, he's not objectifing anyone. If it was upsetting another child or just being used in isolation with girls only I'd understand the teacher but I think its a shame as others have said. He sounds like such a sweet little boy.

December2012

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-bloom/how-to-talk-to-little-gir_b_882510.html


http://reelgirl.com/2013/12/open-request-to-strangers-doctors-teachers-dont-make-small-talk-about-my-daughters-appearance/

Commenting on children's appearance can be damaging.

Lisha

I agree with you a bit December 2012 but I really don't think the child is using it to comment purely on the other persons physical appearance.
Child's parents say 'oh you are beautifiul' possibly at times when they are happy doing things together.
Child feels happy and loved and safe in another persons company and he says 'you are beautiful' I think he is really saying 'you make me feel safe and happy'
IMHO child is really commenting on inner beauty , now the parent needs to equip the child with more words to say this.

I agree that kids should not judge themselves or others on physical appearance.

Just my opinion I could of course be wrong

December2012

I'm sure the child isn't being shallow or superficial - kids usually think Mammy and Nanas are beautiful all the time, even when by the most objective of standards we are clearly not (puke / food on clothes from them, hair scraped back, not done up or groomed less etc).

They think Mammy is beautiful because she gives hugs, kisses and takes care of them, but beautiful is the word they use because it's a compliment that is used all the time.

I'm sure the little boy here is trying to show affection and say why he likes the people he is complimenting.

But the problem is that when people use a common compliment to a child (usually gender reinforced), then that child is deprived of receiving a compliment that in the true sense speaks to their character.

The same is said for boys with sports.

My children are stunning and I get lots if well meaning complements on their appearance. I also got them myself on my height - aren't you a lovely tall girl, etc.

After a while it can become a thing a child becomes very aware of. It can be anything really, their hair, their height, their clothes.

I have daughters and nieces and since I've become a mum I make sure to complement them on their character, because the superficial messages are everywhere.

Big Bag of Chips

I wouldn't be too hard on the teacher. Teachers these days have to be overly cautious when dealing with children not to allow anything that might be construed as 'inappropriate', however innocent the intent, that could put their job in jeopardy. The child meant it as a compliment, the teacher probably thought it was cute, but was conscious of other little listening ears, who could carry a version of the story back to a parent who could take their own version of it, and possibly make either a complaint, or start a Chinese whisper at the gate.

That's not the teachers' fault, it's the fault of the way society has gone to an extreme.

The child doesn't need to stop using the phrase, but maybe he should be given the tools for more appropriate vocabulary to use. As others mentioned, kind, funny, nice, generous, helpful etc...

Expanding a child's vocabulary can never be a bad thing!

It's also being assumed that the teacher was being abrupt or rude or somehow mean to the child, when the reality is she probably explained in a very nice voice (as teachers of Junior Infants generally tend to have ) not to use that word.. remember this story is the retelling of a retelling of a 5 year old! The 5 year old probably isn't half as bothered by it as most of the adults are!

Edit: Why on earth would you be worried about psychological issues? He sounds like a lovely little fella, who is just repeating a word you use! Start using a wider variety of words, and he will too.

sari

Wow really shocked by this. Your boy sounds like a lovely little lad and I think this has been blown way out of poportion.
I understand where some are coming from with the appearance fixation but we should be teaching our children how to deal with comments and to be happy in themselves. That many words have differnent meanings.
Sadly the world our children are growing up in is a very materialistic one which is why it's so important to showing our children how to become happy, confident, self assured people

veetwin

December2012 wrote: »

I disagree that it's sad. Fact is it's a very easy trap to fall into - complimenting them using superficial words. Far better for everybody to use words like friendly, funny, clever, kind, than cute, beautiful, etc.

I think it's sad that you disagree. The child is 5 FFS. At that age they have no real concept of a difference between any of those words.

The child is merely using a word they like which they know is a compliment and likely to receive a positive response.

zoomaway

Really sad the way the world has gone.PC mad. I'm a teacher myself ( not primary) but if I had that experience I would want to know what motivated the teacher to react as such. He's a little child for God's sake and he was complimenting them( the teacher and classroom assistant) not bullying them.I have a little one( not at school yet) but I would be really upset for her if this were to happen.

Big Bag of Chips

Nobody knows how the teacher "reacted". All we know is the child told the teacher she was beautiful, and the child said that the teacher said not to use that word. He might have used it in an incorrect context, and she told him not to use it, that "kind", or "helpful" or "thoughtful" etc... was a better word to use. Maybe she was actually teaching him??!

iguana

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Nobody knows how the teacher "reacted". All we know is the child told the teacher she was beautiful, and the child said that the teacher said not to use that word. He might have used it in an incorrect context, and she told him not to use it, that "kind", or "helpful" or "thoughtful" etc... was a better word to use. Maybe she was actually teaching him??!

Then she was teaching him incorrectly as beautiful is a word that can describe more than just the aesthetic.

One can speak beautiful English - ie, do it very well. Score a beautiful goal, ie, score with great skill. Listen to a beautiful piece of music, ie, music which is illicits a strong emotional response. Both Websters and Oxford define beautiful as that which is pleasing to the senses or to the mind. As being around someone who is kind, helpful, thoughtful, etc is surely pleasing to the mind, then it is 100% correct to describe them as beautiful.

If the teacher was indeed attempting to correct her student's grammar than she didn't do so very well.

clairefontaine

Wow. Non issue of the century.

Teacher projecting her own malevolent meanings into something totally innocent.

How dare she.

Big Bag of Chips

Yes - but in school I remember my favourite book being the Thesaurus!! There are so many other words that might be more appropriate in the context that the child used it. All I'm saying is the teacher is being attacked with phrases like "shame on that teacher" and "what motivated the teacher to react as such"... when absolutely nobody here, including the OP, knows the context in which the child said it, or in which the teacher corrected him.

Huge overreaction to a very simple thing, with people berating the teacher, and the mother going as far as wondering if her son has psychological issues

As I already said - I'm guessing the child isn't one bit bothered!

Edit: I know we're getting a bit advanced for a 5 year old.. but (I'll go there anyway !) Language changes, evolves and developes all the time. So "beautiful" can be used perfectly in the context that you mention above iguana. But "You are beautiful" and "You are a beautiful person" usually mean 2 different things in language today. In the first instance, "beautiful" has evolved to mean very attractive. In the second instance with more context around it it means, lovely, generous, kind etc.

A 5 year old isn't to understand all that, though, and especially if it's a word he hears used all the time. But giving out about the teacher being wrong is pointless as without context, we have no idea whether or not she was!

It's like the word "hopefully" - it has evolved through use to mean something other than what it originally meant.. but it is widely accepted now to use it "incorrectly". If a child said "I'm going to the cinema tonight, hopefully", would the teacher be wrong to correct them by telling them not to use that word but to say "I hope, I am going to the cinema tonight"?

Jesus Wept

Ridiculous carry om from a teacher. He's five. Sounds like a funny little chap. :-)

xzanti

He sounds like a beautiful little soul himself OP... isn't it great that he has such a positive outlook and wants to see the beauty in others.

Nonoperational

To be honest it's no harm you have a chat with him and explain a bit when to use the word more appropriately. As you grow up you don't go around calling everyone beautiful all the time. That's just the norm in the society we live in. It's no big deal, but I'd consider two things.

Firstly it is not something you want him to be saying to everyone and anyone.
Rightly or wrongly it will be a bit creepy to some people and could be considered inappropriate.

Also, if he's going around telling his class mates they are beautiful, all it takes is for some smart ass to interrupt with something like "he/she's not beautiful he/she's fat/ugly etc" and you have a right can of worms for the teacher...

No big deal, but still something to chat about in my opinion.

sari

Nonoperational wrote: »

Firstly it is not something you want him to be saying to everyone and anyone.
Rightly or wrongly it will be a bit creepy to some people and could be considered inappropriate.

I'm sorry but if someone thinks that a 5 year old calling people beautiful is creepy then it's them that have issues and would need someone to have a word with them not with the 5 year old!

marizpan

I find this post a bit shocking! It is such a non issue!

My two little boys (5&6 yrs) tell their teacher all the time that she is a princess and beautiful etc.
And I get a very different reaction than the OP!
I get pulled aside a least once a week from other parents and school staff, teachers and assistants to tell me that I have raised wonderful children. That they are so caring and loving.
My boys use the word beautiful as any thing positive.
It is a beautiful day.
You are a beautiful mammy.
You are a beautiful princess teacher etc.

You have raised a loving innocent child.
If that was me, I would speak to the teacher for clarity. I would not have my boy feel bad over the incident.

eviltwin

marizpan wrote: »

I find this post a bit shocking! It is such a non issue!

My two little boys (5&6 yrs) tell their teacher all the time that she is a princess and beautiful etc.
And I get a very different reaction than the OP!
I get pulled aside a least once a week from other parents and school staff, teachers and assistants to tell me that I have raised wonderful children. That they are so caring and loving.
My boys use the word beautiful as any thing positive.
It is a beautiful day.
You are a beautiful mammy.
You are a beautiful princess teacher etc.

You have raised a loving innocent child.
If that was me, I would speak to the teacher for clarity. I would not have my boy feel bad over the incident.

Good to hear a similar story with a different take from the teachers point of view.

It just goes to show though how much we listen to teachers and how their comments about our kids can affect our parenting. I can understand the position of teachers but at the same time as someone with a child entering primary this year I am dreading the way every word or action will be judged. I never had this with my older kid.

miss no stars

Could just teach him the word lovely instead?

The Corinthian

Such open expressions are considered inappropriate in Anglophone cultures, of which Ireland, like it or not, essentially is - but with added Catholicism.

I moved to Ireland when I was about 7. At that stage I'd already done pre-school in Italy to the point that I was due to go into prima media (the equivalent of first class, primary school), so after six months of learning English, I was put in first class, in a mixed school (mixed only up to first class actually, like many other Irish schools).

The first thing I noticed was that boys and girls didn't really mix, which was totally the opposite to what I was used to in Italy. Add to this the idea that a girl might be 'nice' or 'pretty' or anything like that - saying this out loud was taboo and you would be branded a sissy for ever suggesting this.

The attitude in Italy was the diametric opposite. If a girl was nice or pretty you told her; after all, compliments make people feel good. I remember my great-grandfather teaching me how one kisses a woman's hand in greeting, which I learned went down a storm with any woman I was introduced to and would quickly be rewarded with chocolates and compliments in return.

In short, unless there is more of a story to what the OP's son was doing, it's a cultural thing. Some cultures are more repressed than others where it comes to self-expression; the Anglophone ones are famously so.

_Whimsical_

The Corinthian wrote: »

In short, unless there is more of a story to what the OP's son was doing, it's a cultural thing. Some cultures are more repressed than others where it comes to self-expression; the Anglophone ones are famously so.

I don't think it's a cultural thing at all. It's an instance of an individual teacher being over the top and inappropriate herself. As a 5 year old he probably said it once to his mammy or granny and got a good reaction and now believes it's a way of being nice and showing love,appreciation or affection. There's no way it's a manner of objectifying people or that it's shallow.

OP I think if I was you I'd speak to the teacher and ask her what the problem was. I don't think she should make any negative reinforcement of what is just a childish expression of a sweet little heart. If she has an issue with the word it is her issue. In that instance it would've been easy to say "how kind you are to say something nice to me, other nice things to say are "you are intelligent","you are kind" , "you are generous" etc.
She sounds like she handled it poorly to me.

The Corinthian

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

I don't think it's a cultural thing at all. It's an instance of an individual teacher being over the top and inappropriate herself.

I don't disagree that it also a case of the teacher handling the entire matter badly, but I can assure you, having experienced different cultures, that it is very definitely a cultural thing too.

Howyahorse

Of course the child has an extended vocabulary beyond the word "beautiful".
This just so happens to be the word he uses more often.

clairefontaine

Howyahorse wrote: »

Of course the child has an extended vocabulary beyond the word "beautiful".
This just so happens to be the word he uses more often.

Teacher has a dirty mind that's all. Poor kid, getting all sorts of inhibiting messages for doing no wrong.

If he were older I'd tell him to tell the teacher to get an injunction and tell him to carry on using it.

Femme_Fatale

What a sweet little boy. "Beautiful" is a word that is usually reserved for something kinda exceptional rather than mundane, but he can't be expected to know this yet. Maybe if someone suggested to him that it might be an idea to use that word for really special instances rather than all the time, as some other people might not understand why he's using it, but god... gently and positively. Not harshly the way it seems that teacher has done.
It's such an innocent, harmless, funny thing to do - I'd have thought adults would just laugh at it/find it cute...

Out of the mouths of babes like... nothing more.

December2012 wrote: »

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-bloom/how-to-talk-to-little-gir_b_882510.html


http://reelgirl.com/2013/12/open-request-to-strangers-doctors-teachers-dont-make-small-talk-about-my-daughters-appearance/

Commenting on children's appearance can be damaging.

But it's not comments on their appearance.

Hannibal Smith

December2012 wrote: »

I disagree that it's sad. Fact is it's a very easy trap to fall into - complimenting them using superficial words. Far better for everybody to use words like friendly, funny, clever, kind, than cute, beautiful, etc.

It's very sad that beautiful is seen as superficial and negative

wolfpawnat

In a world where there are so many girls that feel ugly and so unhappy in themselves, being told they are beautiful should nearly be a daily requirement. Same with boys. Are we that obsessed with offending people, that we cannot let kids be kids.

My son is 5 this week and I was told just yesterday his teacher is prettier than me (she is, but that's not the point) I asked him what he meant, he said that "She doesn't take away my toys when I'm bold" So he doesn't know what it means.

4-6 year olds have more emotions and thoughts than they know how to express or describe what they feel, so they use words they think come close to it.

For example, if they see a butterfly, they are told it is beautiful, they may get a lovely feeling of happiness or joy from looking at it. They then get a feeling of joy (a different one) from their friends, but they recall beautiful was the word to describe the butterfly, ergo to them, they may think it is the same. We adults are forcing adult understanding to people far too young to understand any of it.

Or in many cases, we buy new clothes, or get a new haircut and our friends/family/partners tell us we look beautiful and they see us genuinely happy, and they want to make others feel like that. A simple thing behind it all.

My son's teacher has had to correct him for giving girls in his class kisses, and that is grand, it is not a behaviour you want to get them into, I try to stop it myself. But to call it wrong when two children have no idea of the gravity of the act, says more about the adult that the child.

Femme_Fatale

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

It's very sad that beautiful is seen as superficial and negative

Exactly. Plus, "beautiful" does not just mean good-looking.

CarMe

My 2.8yr old tells me I "look so beautiful" anytime I wear a dress. Never really thought of it before but she never says it when I'm in my scruff so perhaps she is a shallow little sod!

clairefontaine

wolfpawnat wrote: »

In a world where there are so many girls that feel ugly and so unhappy in themselves, being told they are beautiful should nearly be a daily requirement. Same with boys. Are we that obsessed with offending people, that we cannot let kids be kids.

My son is 5 this week and I was told just yesterday his teacher is prettier than me (she is, but that's not the point) I asked him what he meant, he said that "She doesn't take away my toys when I'm bold" So he doesn't know what it means.

4-6 year olds have more emotions and thoughts than they know how to express or describe what they feel, so they use words they think come close to it.

For example, if they see a butterfly, they are told it is beautiful, they may get a lovely feeling of happiness or joy from looking at it. They then get a feeling of joy (a different one) from their friends, but they recall beautiful was the word to describe the butterfly, ergo to them, they may think it is the same. We adults are forcing adult understanding to people far too young to understand any of it.

Or in many cases, we buy new clothes, or get a new haircut and our friends/family/partners tell us we look beautiful and they see us genuinely happy, and they want to make others feel like that. A simple thing behind it all.

My son's teacher has had to correct him for giving girls in his class kisses, and that is grand, it is not a behaviour you want to get them into, I try to stop it myself. But to call it wrong when two children have no idea of the gravity of the act, says more about the adult that the child.

Alright, I have to admit I read this thread with a raised eyebrow mostly in a state of bewilderment that it's even being considered as a problem, but seriously "the gravity of the act?" What is the gravity of the act?

looksee

Heavens, what a storm in a teacup! This discussion is, as someone else pointed out, about a child's interpretation of a teacher's comment. It really is not worth getting in a tizzy about. There could have been any number of scenarios, none of which are very important. Take an interest in what he says about school, try and figure out if he has problems, but don't make a production of something that you don't even really know the whole story of.

In no time at all he will have found a new word, or habit, or activity for you to be concerned about, and in all these cases you have to remember 'its only a phase, it will pass'.

wolfpawnat

clairefontaine wrote: »

Alright, I have to admit I read this thread with a raised eyebrow mostly in a state of bewilderment that it's even being considered as a problem, but seriously "the gravity of the act?" What is the gravity of the act?

Kissing every girl he comes across at 5 years old. If you let it go on until he is older, he could get in trouble.

marizpan

wolfpawnat wrote: »

Kissing every girl he comes across at 5 years old. If you let it go on until he is older, he could get in trouble.

He is still learning social ques. The reaction (from the girls) will adjust his behaviour.
No need to 'let it go on', he is learning everyday by himself and modelling his environment.

wolfpawnat

marizpan wrote: »

He is still learning social ques. The reaction (from the girls) will adjust his behaviour.
No need to 'let it go on', he is learning everyday by himself and modelling his environment.

The girls are as bad, it is not even a kiss, grabbing each others faces, you'd say something if I watched romantic programmes with him in the room, no idea where he got it. So we correct him and we don't make an issue of it. I am sure he is not the only boy in the world doing it.But we don't freak out at the message it gives. We just nip it in the bud.

Big Bag of Chips

My 5 year old has a few gfs! One he particularly likes. But he told me he doesn't think he can marry her, because she doesn't like kissing! I asked "Do you like kissing", and he answered "No, but you have to do it at weddings, don't you?"!!

_Whimsical_

wolfpawnat wrote: »

The girls are as bad, it is not even a kiss, grabbing each others faces, you'd say something if I watched romantic programmes with him in the room,

This reminds me of something a neighbour told me about her 6 year old daughter. She found her out the back with her jumper taken off trying to force another 6 year old boy to kiss her. When her mum told her to stop and no more of that she came back with "LEAVE ME ALONE MAMMY, WE ARE IN LOVE!".
There was no more Home and Away for her after that. You never know what gets into their heads I guess and what theyre imitating.

D Trent

Howyahorse wrote: »

I have heard my son, who just turned 5, tell his female friends (of same age) "you're beautiful!" I thought this was harmless as I often tell him he's beautiful and figured he was just copying..

BUT, he told me today he told his teacher and classroom assistant this. The teacher told him not to say that anymore. I'm guessing he must have said it on more than one occasion for her to ask him to stop.

I know it's a compliment but I can see his teachers side of view that it must be disturbing.
Is this harmless or why does he feel the need to tell this to females he gets familiar with?
Am I reading too much into it now or should I be worried there's some sort of psychology issue behind it??
Comments please and thank you!

Did he see her face .... In a crowded place And he didn't know what to do .............because he'll never be with you ?

The Corinthian

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

But he told me he doesn't think he can marry her, because she doesn't like kissing!

Sounds like he has more foresight than some of the adults who post with their marital problems on the Personal Issues board.