I'm Breaking and don't know what to do anymore

Sugar Drunk

. I was going to say it isn’t me that is depressed but actually at this stage I feel that I am, I am down so down and so tired and lonely from dealing with a partner for a decade who has depression and won’t seek help. He has reasons to be depressed – few friends, death of a sibling, elderly parents who he financial supports, a divorce, health issues etc. he doesn’t sleep well and struggles to get a good night sleep.

When he is in good form he is the best in the world and great to be around but when this takes over, usually once or twice a year he is a different person. It starts with him being moody – noncommittal responses to a question, flat tone of voice (I ring him in good form and when I hear him I swear it would suck the life out of you as he is so down and uninterested in everything). If I ask him if he is all right I will get the ‘fine’ response for the first few days. During these days any form of physical contact from me is rejected, there is no affection and he doesn’t want me anywhere near him. He will then admit he is ‘not himself’ and will go on a bout of self-destructive behaviour usually drinking to get drunk. This will generate a conversation around it (he will finally talk a bit when drunk) where he will tell me he doesn’t know what’s wrong with him etc usually he also doesn’t know if he wants to be with me too which naturally gets me upset. Usually he will come out with a comment anyway just to upset me. I’ll tell him I love him,. I’ll ask what’s wrong, I’ll try and get him to talk and no joy at all. He will go to work and be fine as he can compartmentalise very easily and when he is in work he thinks of nothing else. I on the other hand am in work today feeling very down and worried sick. Basically as usual I’m left to wait and see will this blow over and will he be okay for a while or will this be the end. I feel on trial as I have many times before.

His only friends are in his workplace which is a fair while away from where we live. His only hobbies involve him being alone. He doesn’t make an effort to mix with or to get to know people. He obviously isn’t happy being alone but at the same time wont make an effort with people. He planned to leave a few years back and move to where he works and changed his mind. I offered to move half way as a compromise but no. I work a lot so while im home every night im not always around at weekends between work and a very active hobby. However I can’t win as my life is spent feeling guilty when im away at work / at hobby and feeling lonely when im at home as he has no interest in me being there. I got a smart comment last night about me always being on my phone and explained I was chatting to friends on it (not about us, I don’t discuss relationship with anyone) and that he needed to understand that if he won’t interact with me I need to interact with someone. I don’t want to be sat on a couch on my phone with someone sat on another couch across the room in a black mood but its that or sit there doing nothing.

He will not get help for this. One physical therapist we visited before feels the problems are physical i.e. related to head and neck stress but he won’t go back to them. He won’t speak to a councillor, won’t see a doctor. His answer is always to push me away and work. He pushes himself insanely hard in work which coupled by his sleeping issues (he can sleep but wakes up v early and can’t get back to sleep) is not helping. I am worried sick that this time is the end for us and I just don’t know what to do anymore as I am exhausted. We had a really lovely Christmas but even that I couldn’t enjoy fully as in the back of my mind I always know it will come back to this. I make excuses not to see friends and even my parents as I feel like Im already not home enough and also I find it so hard to pretend everything is okay. The only time I feel okay is when im doing my hobby or teaching my hobby. When I am in work or at home I just have a sick pit in my stomach. The irony of all this is while he is like this the past week he has been on a health kick and has been doing great lost loads of weight, gained so much fitness etc but its like he just cannot be happy.

Merkin

I really think he owes it you to go and seek professional help. Left untreated, his condition will likely only get worse and it is so hard on loved ones who have to pick up the pieces time and again. I am not making a diagnosis but he does sound like he's got some kind of manic depression, especially given the intense lows followed by the being in great form again.

Aware have quite an active forum, one of those being for relatives/partners of people with mental health issues. Another option is to maybe post over on the Long Term Illness forum as there are lots of people there who manage their illnesses well and may have some advice for you on how best to push for medical intervention.

I'm sorry I can't be of more help. I dated someone for a few months with bipolar and I found it incredibly hard, you have my sympathies. I think maybe talking to people in the same boat, as outlined above, may be a good start. I hope he seeks the help that you both need and deserve.

Tokyo

Hey OP,

It sounds like both you and your husband are really struggling with this at the moment, and you have my sympathies. Unfortunately for you, you are in a very difficult and frustrating position because much as you want to resolve the situation, you cannot do this alone without the help and cooperation of your husband who you clearly care about.

However, has hard as it may be, the healthiest thing that you can do for him, and for yourself is to tell him what your concerns are, and how they are affecting you and your relationship. Explain to him the damage that you feel his behaviour is doing, and while you want to be supportive, don't be afraid to let him know that this is concerning to you, and what you're worried may happen if he continues the way he is going. Be reassuring - if he responds with another negative comment, don't react, just let him know that this is not the case, that you're worried he's not coping, and that it's normal for people struggling in the way he is to need more help and support at times.

Encourage him to make an appointment with his doctor, see if it is possible for you to accompany him, at least for the first time. And have some input - make it clear to the doctor how things really are at home, otherwise it is possible that he will not be absolutely frank with the doctor and try to sweep things under the carpet. It's a difficult situation for you both, but only by confronting the problems will you really be able to help your husband and get matters resolved.

My one final piece of advice, for what it's worth - don't be afraid to seek out help for yourself. You are in a very difficult situation too, and it may be important that you have someone to offer extra support to you too. Good luck OP.

Sugar Drunk

thanks so much to you both it means a lot. I am unsure if he wants to be with me at all anymore. When he has these lows it usually goes hand in hand with him not knowing this and with me being worried sick that he wants us to break up. I'd be lost without him and feel like I am constantly in limbo. Its as if when he gets in these low period he somehow feels that if he left he would be better, I know that was the case before where he thought of leaving me and going off to have a new life down where he works and has friends. The irony is he could have friends in both places but he doesn't even try at home plus he goes out a good bit with work and enjoys it so its not like he is missing out. He will rarely come out with my friends they all like him a lot but he barely makes an effort so at this stage I just don't bother going out. I've turned down invites to nights out, weekends away, day trips with friends because I feel its more time away from home and I know that I will feel guilty and that when I ring him he will just be 'fine'. I will admit I spend a lot of time doing my sport / hobby but he will never ever come with me not to a competition not to a training session not even last year to some competitions that were a big deal to me. I would never force him to do anything he doesn't want to do so would never ask him to come now but it does break my heart to be there and see others with their husbands and boyfriends / partners there wishing them well lending them a hand etc. In the same way the odd time I am abroad with work and I ring home I;d give anything for him to actually sound happy or enthusiastic or positive when hearing from me. I see colleagues having conversations on the phone, sharing jokes, saying I love you and I think god do I not even have that anymore. So i feel that yes he is alone a good bit, yes he doesn't have that many friends or past times locally but we have a nice house (rented not bought), a warm house and while he does have money worries we are okay. In a way last night I felt like he was deliberately making comments to upset me because he is at the stage where he nearly wants me to break up / leave him so he can be even more miserable and can go off on another self destructing binge.

I am dreading going home tonight. Our stepdaughter is over tonight and he will put on a total pretence with her. I am glad he does it as I don;t want her to be worried or upset but it is heart breaking because he will be all positive and normal with her and with me its another story. It means I have to pretend too and thats hard.

I will definately have a look at the aware forum thanks so much i didn't even know they had one and to talk to like minded people right now would be a huge help. I will also think about getting myself some therapy I honestly need it as Im in danger of cracking up. I had depression myself years ago and got through it so I do understand in a way what he is going through but I am also at this stage worried about myself. I am in work and struggling to function today. I;ve a social meeting after work that I cannot get out of and I am dreading it I am so jaded of putting on a facade.

Hannibal Smith

Would you think about visiting your gp and asking them for guidance? If your husband is suffering from a condition like depression it could be very difficult to convince him to see some one. But a professional who is familiar with these kinds of cases might be able to help.

Sugar Drunk

It is a good idea but unfortunately he would go mad. he is intensely private, the sort of person who never uses social media and hates their business being known to others. he would go mad if he thought I was even talking to anyone about it all. He did speak to a friend who is in the medical profession a year or two ago and they advised him to speak to a professional but he won;t and he will dismiss it as 'not going to work'. everything to be honest is dismissed this way. Physical therapy / chiropractic type stuff was 'not going to work' because he didn't get better in a few sessions etc. He wakes up early so I understand cant take a sleeping tablet as he has to go to work in a few hours but for example if he is in a position to lie in even the suggestion of taking a sleeping tablet to go back to sleep for a while is dismissed too. When he is so unwilling to even imagine something will work, of course it won't.

The thing is I would imagine outwardly to his work colleagues etc he seems fine as he is able to seperate things that way - he is for example the sort of person that when they are in work just imerses themselves in work and doesn't think about other areas of their life. he also would always have a different persona inside and outside of work which I understand a lot of people do. I suspect I am the only person who sees what is really going on. I was worried last night he was down and quiet and yet wound up to ninety and agitated at the same time.

I am considering going to speak to someone myself even just to get an impartial view of what is going on. Sometimes my own judgement is skewed as I think is he really this down or am I being sensitive / hormonal / down but I realise he knows this and for example will make comments that if I react to im told i took up wrong or during those days where he will persist that he is 'fine' and that its in my head before admitting that no he is not. I didn;t find therapy personally was what helped me get past things before (when I was ill myself it was before I met him) but I do think even just being able to talk to someone might help. I don;t really talk to friends about things for one because he would go mad if he thought i was talking about personal stuff that involved him and secondly because to be honest if i admit it to anyone i have to confirm its real. I've one close friend who knows a bit about it as i've broken down before and told her - she has a relative with bad depression and understands what its like. my best friend and family would have no idea.

Merkin

I really feel very sorry for you. Reading through your posts, it is very hard to know how much of his coldness is attributable to his depression or whether this relationship is on its way out. I don't like the fact that he is sweetness and light the moment his daughter is on the scene and then reverts to his old self the minute she is gone. Nobody can possibly climb into the mind of someone who suffers from depression, rational thought often goes out the window, but I would hope that seeing you in such distress and the pressure this is putting on you would somehow precipitate a trip to the GP, for nobody else's sake but your own. If this carries on it sounds like your own mental health will be compromised if you're not careful. You have alluded to the fact that he won't seek professional help but have you actually sat him down and had a very serious chat about your relationship and the impact this is having on it? Does he even realise? Does he care? I really think you need to talk to him quite seriously about what's going on here.

Sugar Drunk

when his daughter is around he isn't up beat or anything but he pretends nothing is wrong and will make himself act as 'normal'. not in overly good form if you get me but not down. We had a serious conversation about it last time and it was a case of he understood how much it hurt me and how he wouldn't act like that again and refuse to talk about it. I tried to talk to him the end of last week but when he is in his 'im fine' phase he refuses to acknowledge there is a problem so I know at this stage that I have to wait it out until he cracks, has a few drinks in rapid succession with the only goal of getting drunk and then he will talk a bit. I begged him to tell me what is wrong last night and got 'when i know you will be the first to know' / 'theres just so much stuff in my head' / 'i don't know whats wrong with me' but at the same time he refuses to pursue any options to help himself, won;t talk to me in more detail about what the issues are, wont reassure me that he wants us to be together, nothing.

Sad part is if I think back i've had almost that same conversation with him as we had last night before over the years. Its always the same its always me that is upset and heart broken while he is trying to figure himself out. I cant tell you how many weeks like this i've had - crying myself to sleep alone and feeling like a zombie in work while someone is basically deciding if we still have a future and refusing to seek help for problems that they and I just can't fix. I don't know whether to give up or not at this stage. I am worried because if we do break up I honestly don't know if I will cope without someone who has been my partner and best friend for ten years. ironically i feel that he would cope as he seems so intent on not helping himself and will just carry on in the same way albeit with someone else. I am in a way curious if he has always been like this before he met me I wonder maybe he has been like this always but I can;t find that out obviously i only have his side of his break up with his previous partner and sometimes I wonder is there more I don't know about.

Sugar Drunk

Merkin wrote: »

Aware have quite an active forum, o.

I have been on the aware site and just want to say thank you as it has been a huge help already. I read through the list of symptoms and straight away alarm bells were ringing when I saw things such as 'under or over sleeping or waking frequently throughout the night'. Another that is making me think is 'aches and pains with no physical basis' because he recently had tests for pain he had and they can find nothing wrong and no cause. He was advised to try exercises such as yoga / pilates (he has not). I am now wondering if it all might be related.

at least upon reading through some of the information there I can start to believe that this isn't my fault and that something is really wrong even if he doesn't want to deal with it yet.

Tokyo

Sugar Drunk wrote: »

I have been on the aware site and just want to say thank you as it has been a huge help already. I read through the list of symptoms and straight away alarm bells were ringing when I saw things such as 'under or over sleeping or waking frequently throughout the night'

I'm glad that you found the AWARE forums helpful, and that you feel less alone. However, it may be worth your while picking up the phone and giving their helpline a call - from the sounds of it you could benefit form actually having someone to talk to, rather than just reading information from a screen. They will have spoken to people in your exact situation many times before, and will be able to point you in the right direction.

Also, if I'm not mistaken, AWARE has support groups across the country - the person you speak to may be able to advise you if there is one near your location. I imagine that speaking to people in a similar situation would be very helpful, for you at first, and maybe even your husband in the future.

Merkin

I'm really glad Sugar Drunk, you're welcome. I think reaching out to other people in the same situation really could help you enormously and as Mike suggested, they also have support meet-ups (similar to Al-Anon) which would be a great starting point for you.

Aseth

I would say OP that even though your partner is not willing to try counselling I think you should try it yourself. I can't even imagine the pressure and effect the whole situation is putting on you. You need someone who can offer you advise and support. If not could you maybe talk to a friend? Even if they cant offer advice sometimes having a supportive person just to talk to can already be enough.

Sugar Drunk

well im not breaking any more, Im broken. He finally wanted to talk on friday and spoke about how he wasnt happy and couldnt shake it off this time as it was going on longer than ever. He asked was i happy and I explained that I spent my time feeling guilty about being away from him and lonely when i was home as he didnt want to be near me. He wanted to talk it out to see if it helped clear his head. I said to him i understood his friends were from where he worked and id never had an issue with him being down there and going out with them. I didnt mind if he wanted to stay down there a few nights a week. Id often been keen to go down for a night out and meet them but he never wanted me to. I begged him to get help for himself as he is never happy and i understand how hard his life has been but he wont. he has genuinely had so much bad luck and tragedy that my heart has broken for him many times and i dont blame him for being depressed. I urged him to take up hobbies and try something new but he dismissed it as impossible as he doesnt get home til about half six. Tried to get him to get help he won't.

On sunday he was at the pub so I came up to join him when id finished my hobby. I dressed up and yet he didnt even notice. He seemed okay when I arrived but just got down and dark. We got home and he decided to tell me that he had put his arm around me in bed the night before and felt anxious and worse. So he decided he wants a new life for himself and to start over and he came home yesterday, packed a bag and left. I knew in my heart on friday that he would do this as he just dismissed any other idea or suggestion and refused to compromise. I told him yesterday id have done whatever it took, id have moved and driven the trek to work. I asked why he couldnt even try to make things work but he didnt want to know he just looked like a different person to the man I know. He felt last week that he was in a rut he didnt want to stay in but it was a vicous circle - he never wanted to do anything and on the odd time he did he couldnt afford it and I wasnt allowed to pay for it either. So I always felt like i couldnt win.

I dont think ive ever cried as much as i have in the past few days. I have lost my best friend, the person i instintcively call when im happy, when im sad, when something happens,the person i think about when i wake up and when i go to sleep. I am lucky to have my family who literally physically came and brought me to their home. ive spent most of my time blaming myself thinking if I had been home more this wouldnt have happened, At the same time i just feel like it wasnt my fault he had no friends or hobbies locally and wouldnt try to gain any. It wasnt my fault he sat at home watching tv instead of getting up and doing something. it definately wasnt my fault he would never ever let me pay a penny more than half of something . I'd gotten to the stage of buying things as I was feeling so down and then feeling guilty for buying a few bits in penneys as he was so broke and never bought himself anything and yet wouldnt let me either.

thank you to everyone who took the time to reply and to help last week. Yuo helped me get through a bad week and you helped me to realise what I never saw before that he is depressed and there is something wrong and that its not something that was all my fault.